Catch 22

LegacyUser

I dunno how to word this but I'll try. I am depressed and lonely. It's a catch 22 situation, can't get into a relationship because depression puts people off, yet lack of relationship causes depression. It's one o'clock and I'm still in bed, fed up with life. Work doesn't help, my job usually requires me to work evenings, which messes up my days.

I don't stay in bed moping. I make huge efforts to get over it, get cleaned up, brighten my attitude. I go out, and laugh and crack jokes, and people love my company. But I have very few real friends, and never a girlfriend. People appear to take pity on me. I sense it in their attitude. Poor x, he's a great guy, love having him round, but it's like nobody takes me seriously.

I have dabbled in the internet for years, with varied success, but never made a true girlfriend from it. Recently I went all out, funny emails, nice profile, and got about ten contacts all at once, after a sustained effort. Wondered how I'd juggle them if some of them came to anything. Needn't have worried, some arranged dates, and never showed up, one texted two hours before and said sorry, she'd changed her mind. Others just disappeared into thin air after a week of very successful chatting and laughing. One I keep in touch with, like me suffers from depression, I can read it in her, but she doesn't admit it. All our conversations are her describing her problems to me. That won't make a relationship, all she is doing is making me feel worse, God help her.

That is the curse of the internet, it's full of depressed people who won't admit they are depressed. So many times I have ended up being a kind of pseudo counsellor for women online, and I'm good at cheering them up and giving them a lift. But it drains me, and I end up even more depressed. The other women are all looking for Billy Connolly in the first email, or they don't respond. I am reasonably good at getting to know a woman over a few emails, and developing the humour and the banter. But 95% won't respond to your first message. We might click if they'd give me the chance. I have tried every tack, over hundreds of times, short messages, long messages, serious, funny, madcap, everything. Get precious little response.

I have had hundreds of dates. I'm always a great guy for a night's entertainment, but no second date. Ever. I have tried everything. I've tried being myself. I've tried being the funny guy. The mad guy. The bad guy. Everything. Nothing works. I've spent twenty years practicing. I don't appear to be doing a whole lot wrong, as I've had many good nights out. But nobody wants me long term. Then I read about girls giving out because guys use and abuse them. Only want them for sex. I can tell you the girl who settled with me would never want for attention and affection, I'm the easiest person in the world to get on with, and twenty years of loneliness means I'd bloody appreciate a good relationship. But it just won't happen.

I had one relationship that could be called a relationship. It lasted three months. She was a girl in work, and she fell hook line and sinker for me! I couldnt believe it. It proved I wasnt a complete ass. But she was prone to fits of rage. I mean screaming rage. It happened once a month. The third time it happened, I tried to reason, but it seemed to be a trigger in her brain, she wasn't reasonable. It was related to a kind of manic depression. I never get angry or shout at people, and I hate people who are that way with me. So I had to end it. Relationship or no relationship, I couldnt have that in my life.

I don't meet girls in work, that was a one off. It's a male environment. I can't change jobs, if there was another job, I'd do it. The evenings mean I cannot join clubs or things. I'm not into sport at all. I hate pubs and drinking. That doesn't mean I won't go into a pub, it just means I'm not happy or relaxed there. I'd really rather not meet a girl who wants to be in the pub all the time. We wouldn't be suited.

I've heard all the talk, read all the stuff I can find. I've tried everything. Women just won't take me seriously, what ever tack I take. I'd really rather be myself than pretend to be someone else, but either way, it doesn't work. I'm well able to chat and be funny. But it takes time. I can't be Billy Connolly in the first five minutes. I think the internet has spoiled some women, in that they demand the good looking hunk with the great sense of humour and the muscles, and they won't give anyone else a chance to prove themselves.

Sorry for the long post, but I'm sure it registers with loads of other guys too. I've tried everything. And now I find the loneliness is being replaced by hopelessness and depression. And that frightens me. Don't tell me to click out of it. I've spent twenty years clicking out of it. All I want is someone to come home to at night. Not just for sex. But for a hug and a kiss and someone who really cares what kind of a day you've had.

wylo

what are your interests? to say you hate all sports sounds a small bit close minded cause its such a general statement, you tried running clubs a the weekends or anything like that?

How do you look? Are you very overweight or anything like that? If so hit the gym , start to exercise and make yourself feel and look better.

how do you dress? Read up and find out about dressing well. Itll make you feel more confident too.

You dont describe yourself as a very confident person despite being chatty and funny etc. You seem to put yourself down alot in your own head.

Are you being too nice to the girls? Putting them on some sort of pedestal? Being the 'bad' guy does not cut it. Maybe when you were trying that you were making yourself come across as an arrogant pr1ck. You can be the 'good' guy too you know, just a good guy who is confident and happy with himself and well able to make his own decisions and doesnt let himself get bossed around by women.

And finally what about that girl that was depressed? Were you just not into her at all anyway despite that? Maybe you could started taking her out places to spice up her life and make her happier, maybe you would have been more suited than you think if you gave it time.

RossFixxxed

Sorry if this is corny but if you dont' like your self how can you expect others to.

Secondly a relationship is NOT NOT NOT going to cure your depression. I know it sucks and can be lonely but you have to FIX YOU first. There's no point in putting up the act of the mad/bad/nice/chatt/funny guy if you're miserable. Most people can tell.

It's not a 'click out of it situation'. It's a difficult road, but it's one well, well worth travelling. You really really need to sort your life out.

I've been where you are, and if you are honest with yourself you're looking for someone to make you less miserable and to have for that reason, rather than for the right reasons. I'm not trying to be harsh, but those relationships are clingy, destructive and unfair.

I think a GP visit might be an idea tbh. Keep an open mind and look to fix yourself in anyway recommended (by professionals not me or the interwebulator)

good luck OP.
R

Ross

LegacyUser

Chin up OP. I know it seems like the right one will never come along, but if you keep plugging away it will happen eventually. My sister was very similar to you for a long time. Very depressed when she did not have a man in her life. It lead to her making some very bad choices with partners in order to keep them around even if they were wrong, so watch out for that. She has found someone nice now and they have been together for over a year, and although many say someone else in your life willl not fix your depression, a nice partner can give you the self esteem and confidence boost you need to really improve yourself. It just needs to be a nice person, so son't get sucked into settling for someone who is not right or doesn't treat u well. They will only bring u down further. Keep plugging away at it, and even though its lonely don't settle for the first one to come along if they aren't right just to fill the void cos it won't work. Persistence and perseverance, and try to think positive.

By the way, those crazy rages your ex was having once a month may have been extreem PMS. Just a thought...

LegacyUser

Hey there O.P,
From what I've read it's seems you are extremely down in yourself and I really think going to a councillor would be a good idea. It's nothing to be ashamed of and I think they'd be able to focus on why exactly you have low self esteem and lack of belief in your own qualities. They would also be able to make suggestions on how you can resolve this issue with yourself.. I know I've been to one myself and they did just that!

From your post there's an overwhelming sense of desperation.. and to be honest that can be picked up a mile off by women and by your friends. If you can't love yourself, how can you expect others to love you? If you were to choose a person to date, who would you pick- an easy going person, clearly happy with themselves and content in their life or someone who's slightly needy, eager to meet someone/ anyone. You know who you'd prefer. I don't mean to come across harsh or unsympathetic because I really know how you feel, I've been there.. I think the majority of us have been but it's about changing your attitude to yourself and your life.

I'm wondering why you believe a relationship is the answer to all of your problems? I understand you're lonely but truthfully I think a relationship would be disastrous at this moment in your life. You could fall for them, lean on them for support but if it wasn't to work out (which often happens) you'll be back to square one, but feeling wretched and heartbroken. Put dating on the back bench for now. Instead I think you should focus thoroughly on yourself. Make a list of goals of things you've always wanted to do, take up a hobby/ sport you've never done before- like kayaking or swing dancing or something! Take yourself out of your comfort zone and challenge yourself. Then when you tick off a goal, you'll get that burst of accomplishment. Little by little you'll see that you're a person worth knowing, worth dating.. and others will see it too I promise. You'll be that relaxed, easy going person that won't have to assume personas of the 'bad- guy' the 'funny guy' to make woman like you.. you'll be you and perfectly happy with that.

Good luck!
x
p.s pity in your friends' eyes- PARANOIA!!