Should I get involved in brothers access to child

LegacyUser

Sorry in advance for this long post.

3 years ago my brothers then girlfriend had a child. 6 months later they broke up as he admitted to her that he had kissed a workmate one night on a night out (before she was pregnant but while he was going out with her )and the girlfriend (lets call her Mary) moved back home to Sligo. My brother moved back home with my parents in Dublin. At that stage in the relationship they were fighting a lot anyway so I think my brothers admission was the straw that broke the camels back.

Since they broke up he has been paying €100 a week into Marys account for his daughter. Up till a few months back my brother would travel to Sligo every Sat afternoon to meet up with his ex and his daughter in a shopping centre where he would basically walk around the SC with the 2 of them and then she would drive home with the child.

She wont let him come to the family house as her parents dont like him and she still lives with them so his only option to see his daughter is this weekly trip to the Shopping Centre.

Mary has only come up to Dublin twice in the last 2 years to see my parents. Each time the child was very distressed as she doesnt really know her grandparents or me so tended to cling to her mother and cry a lot. My grandparents felt that this was very distressing on the child so suggested to my brother that he perhaps take his daughter one weekend every month and bring her up to Dublin and let her get used to this side of the family.

Anyway my brother hasnt wanted to 'rock the boat' and has said nothing to Mary so far about having weekend access. In the last few months he has been going to Sligo less and less as Mary will ring a day or two before to say that either their daughter is sick or she has to go somewhere etc etc.

A month ago my mother wrote Mary a letter asking if there was any possiblity that her grandchild could come for a vist. She also mentioned that she didnt think that bringing the child up twice a year for a couple of hours was enough time for the child to get to know us. She mentioned the each time the child came up she was distressed because she didnt know us and my mother would rather that if the child was to visit that it be for a longer period of time and without her mother for some part of the time she was there.

Mary took this to mean that my mum didnt really want to see her grandchild (dont know how) and told my brother that as his parents dont want to see the child see doesnt see why she should bother coming up to Dublin at all. She also told my brother that their daughter sees her grandfather (Marys father) as her father. I thought that was a very cruel thing to say.

My parents dont have a car, my brother doesnt know how to drive (though I have been telling him for the last year to learn) and even though I have a car I live 100 km away. Anyway it is the childs birthday in a few weeks so I had suggested that I drive my parents to Sligo and perhaps stay in a hotel and then Mary could visit with the child. When my brother heard this he had to tell my parents what Mary had said. Understandably my mother was very upset and was on the phone to me crying. She has had some medical problems this year also which have gotten her down and this hasnt helped at all.

I was really annoyed when I heard what had happened and I decided (rightly or wrongly) to ring Mary. As it turned out I had her old number so couldnt get to talk to her. This was probably for the best anyway as the call may have decended into a shouting match.

Instead I rang my brother. I told him about our mother being very upset and I asked him what he was going to do about it. I asked him if he was happy seeing his daughter every so often in a shopping centre and not having any quality time on his own with her. I asked him if he wanted to have the chance to have his daughter spend some nights with him at home? He said he wanted more access so I asked him why the hell he hasnt done anything about it.

Once again he said that didnt want to 'rock the boat'. I told him the worst thing that could happen was that Mary will turn around and tell him that he cant see his daughter anymore. The way things are anyway he hardly sees her anyway so I told him that I think he should go down the legal route and get court appointed access to his daughter.

He is going to see his daughter tomorrow and I told him that I am going to ring him that evening and if he hasnt talked to Mary about the situation and come to some arrangement I will find out her new number and ring her myself?

Should I be getting involved in this? My brother is the type of person that needs a rocket under his ass to do anything. He is very lacksadaisy and perfers a simple life without any conflict. I just feel that if he isnt going to make arrangements to see his daughter more (if not for his sake than for my parents) than somebody else is going to have to.

Id appreciate your comments/advice.

Thanks

metrovelvet

This is going to remain impossible until one of the parents have their own space in which to continue or even begin access.

Unfortunately, as beloved as grandparents are, they are also quite often interfering and problematic in these situations.

I take it the child is three?

In a way your mother is right, it will take time for the child to trust her enough to be left alone with her. If they have only seen them a couple of times a year they are no more than strangers. She may as well be left with the postman. As for the comment that the child sees her maternal grandfather as a father, well it shouldnt be taken personally. It's pretty predictable that would happen if the child is living with the grandparents. But it should be a wake up call to your brother. Children spell love like this: T-I-M-E. ANd her mother and maternal grandparents are the only consistent people in her life, and that counts for a lot.

As for you getting involved in all this, I would tread carefully. You are not a trained mediator and emotions run high here. But what you could do, is try to distance yourself from your family and try to build your own relationship with your neice without triangulating.

Also when terms like "access" to the main carer or the non main carer it smack of legalities and is impersonal so it can start making people defensive, which is not what you want when trying to work something like this out.

The suggestion of taking the child up to Dublin one weekend a month on her own... well... it's really not that simple.

One of them needs to get their own space and boot all the grandparents out of the picture until they get themselves established with a routine.

OS119

metrovelvet wrote: »

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As for you getting involved in all this, I would tread carefully. You are not a trained mediator and emotions run high here. But what you could do, is try to distance yourself from your family and try to build your own relationship with your neice without triangulating.

what Metrovelvet said.

perhaps you could, given that aren't one of the 'interested parties', offer to help sort out some agreed 'principles' on which to base the relationship that you're family - including your brother - has with the child, and then try, with everyone, to agree a way of putting those agreed principles into a programme?

if 'Mary' lives with people who don't like your brother, she probably doesn't have a more 'neutral' person to talk to about the situation. you're obviously reasonably intelligent, articulate and see both sides, you could be a big help.

other than that, i'm afraid that this is going nowhere fast: you're brother isn't helping this child my maintaining this 'wandering around a shopping centre for 2 hours every 6 weeks' relationship, infact he's probably doing it quite a bit of harm, so either a 'proper' Father-Daughter relationship needs to happen, and quickly, or he needs to get out of her life - sadly, the fact that he can't be arsed to learn to drive probably means that the latter is what will/should happen..

newname

Hi OP

I have been through this a few years ago. I brought the matter to court for access because the relationship between my family and my ex's side of the family wasn't great.

Since I went to court there hasn't been one bit of trouble in years, infact things have improved. I think my ex was glad that I really showed I wanted access.

In my opinion your brother will deff get access in court especially if he can prove he has been paying 100 per week maintenance and if your family really wants to see the child.

By the way €100 per week is quite a large sum for an unmarried father to be paying if he is not earning much himself.