have partner and kids but attracted to another woman

LegacyUser

Hi,

I have been with my partner nearly 3 years and while everything at the beginning was fine, im not feeling the same anymore. We have a kid now too, 1 year old, and while the baby is part of my life, im just not happy anymore.

honestly, i never felt true love for my current partner, but she tells me she loves me nonetheless daily.

am i wrong to want to leave the relationship, knowing what become of my childs future?
am i wrong to want to be with someone else?

i wouldnt dare tell her that i like someone else because that would be too hurtful.

p.s. the other woman has a child too and is married, but she is younger than me, and i am young myself at 30.

any comments are very appreciative.

Lady Muck

Red flag. She is married. I bet my bottom dollar she has no intention of leaving her husband either so think carefully before you do anything.

If you really want out, and not because of this other woman, then it is only fair to end it but this woman is just a crush IMO.

prinz

I wouldn't do anything OP. There are many reasons you could be feeling like you are. People develop crushes etc. People see things where there is actually nothing... I mean has this other woman made clear any interest in you for example? I would see your case as this; a form of post natal depression perhaps. You've been together 3 years, baby is 1 year + 9 months pregnancy, adds up to about two thirds of the length of your relationship altogether. Which means for a good half of the length of your relationship the focus was probably off you and off your OH and concentrated on the baby. You say you never felt love for your partner but you also say 'in the beginning everything was fine'.... would this have been before she got pregnant perhaps? Becoming a parent is a massive step which can have many psychological ramifications for both the mother and the father. Often times PND is seen as a female only issue, which is wrong. I would recommend a counsellor to help you work out exactly why it is you want out tbh, and for me I don't think it's because of this other woman.

Beruthiel

prinz makes some good points above.

First off, stop thinking about this other woman, she is unavailable and you do not want to be responsible for wrecking two families here.

Secondly, concentrate on yourself and your partner. As prinz said, when a baby comes into the picture, couples can and tend to neglect each other.
Organise babysitters, bring your partner out for a romantic dinner. Get one of the Grannies to take the baby and take her away for a weekend.
Long term relationships require work and effort, if you don't put it in, the relationship slides.
If you do work on it, the rewards are fantastic and you owe it to yourself and your child to make a big effort on this before you start thinking about more drastic steps.
At least you will have less guilt if you know you tried everything before leaving.

in two minds

prinz wrote: »

I wouldn't do anything OP. There are many reasons you could be feeling like you are. People develop crushes etc. People see things where there is actually nothing... I mean has this other woman made clear any interest in you for example? I would see your case as this; a form of post natal depression perhaps. You've been together 3 years, baby is 1 year + 9 months pregnancy, adds up to about two thirds of the length of your relationship altogether. Which means for a good half of the length of your relationship the focus was probably off you and off your OH and concentrated on the baby. You say you never felt love for your partner but you also say 'in the beginning everything was fine'.... would this have been before she got pregnant perhaps? Becoming a parent is a massive step which can have many psychological ramifications for both the mother and the father. Often times PND is seen as a female only issue, which is wrong. I would recommend a counsellor to help you work out exactly why it is you want out tbh, and for me I don't think it's because of this other woman.

I would second this. I actually have a thread myself about similar circumstances as my husband is feeling the same as yourself but he chose to act on his feelings..

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi,
I have been with my partner nearly 3 years and while everything at the beginning was fine, im not feeling the same anymore. We have a kid now too, 1 year old, and while the baby is part of my life, im just not happy anymore.

honestly, i never felt true love for my current partner, but she tells me she loves me nonetheless daily.

am i wrong to want to leave the relationship, knowing what become of my childs future?
am i wrong to want to be with someone else?

i wouldnt dare tell her that i like someone else because that would be too hurtful.

p.s. the other woman has a child too and is married, but she is younger than me, and i am young myself at 30.

any comments are very appreciative.

Hi OP.

I have experienced this in my life. I am a lot older.

Firstly it is very disappointing that you chose to go ahead with marrying this lady when you did not fully love her. That was not just a bad decision but in my view you were deeply dishonest with her to go ahead with it. Sorry if that is harsh - but I think it is fair.

Secondly who is most important to you in this life ? You ? or other people like your new baby ? What has he done to deserve being abandoned by his father because he is "not happy anymore" ..?

What you are feeling could quite honestly be just a passing feeling. The object of your desire is also in a committed relationship so I think that your feelings are quite likely flourishing because you know, subconsciously, that she is 'safe'.

You need to step back and look at the big picture and not just at things through the "what makes me happy" filter.

It is my opinion that you owe this innocent baby to stick with him and give him the chance in life that he deserves and not be abandoned for the sake of his farthers whim. There is no going back. He will be blighted by this for the rest of his life. Can you say that it will be worth it - for you ? Can you ?

I know you may think I am being a bit hard on you - but OP this is how life is. Our decisions have repercussions on others. What we do can have major impacts on other people.

I hope you make the right decision.

Liam Byrne

Unregistered wrote: »

honestly, i never felt true love for my current partner

Then why the hell did you have a child with her ?

Unregistered wrote: »

p.s. the other woman has a child too and is married, but she is younger than me, and i am young myself at 30.

So what makes you think that she'd even contemplate being a cheating b***h ?

Accept your responsibilities and make it work. Looking elsewhere is deluding yourself.

starchild

you need to get some perspective on this and you cant do that while thinking about someone else

If this relationship is truly over for you and its very possible it is, then you should be able to leave your partner without having someone else to go too

If indeed you decide to exit your current relationship, there is nothing wrong with doing that if its finished for you. However you should consider your partners feelings and not head off with someone else immediately.

LegacyUser

Last year my partner said exactly the same thing to me... Im not happy, Im bored etc.

And sure why wouldnt he be bored.... his life had not changed much

Our baby was only a few months old.....

He has basically destroyed my life........... my family is broken up and I still dont know the reason

He did tell me he didnt love me anymore......

He never tried to save our relationship....

Please try everything you can before you just walk out...... A year on Im still feeling devastated...... and my baby hardly knows his father.

And as for your crush...... if she cheats on her husband, she would do the same to you

XarcherX

I've been in this situation before and was pregnant when my guy got sudden notions he wasn't happy..
you went and made a family and future with someone you were never in love with, in my opinion that's just selfish... you seem to be looking at this situation as if you are trapped, that story probably won't sit well with your child when they're older.
I'm sorry for being harsh and i don't know the full story but the grass is NOT always greener on the other side of the fence... if you go after this woman you'll wreck her family and lose your own and cause them an untold amount of pain..
Relationships take work, they're not rosy all the time and it doesn't sound like you've been making any attempt to fix things, just looking elsewhere. you need to get your priorities straight.

sam34

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Firstly it is very disappointing that you chose to go ahead with marrying this lady when you did not fully love her. That was not just a bad decision but in my view you were deeply dishonest with her to go ahead with it. Sorry if that is harsh - but I think it is fair.

the OP never said he was married, he referred to his partner and relationship, not to his wife and marriage.

Miss Fluff

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Firstly it is very disappointing that you chose to go ahead with marrying this lady when you did not fully love her. That was not just a bad decision but in my view you were deeply dishonest with her to go ahead with it. Sorry if that is harsh - but I think it is fair.

Am in complete agreement here. Why string the poor girl along and father a child with her when you never gave a sh1t in the first place? The mind boggles. Have you actually been waiting for someone "better" to come along all this time OP?

LegacyUser

i am not married to my partner, we are girlfriend and boyfriend. My girlfriend is a rebound from a previous serious relationship. We did not plan to have a child, which happens a lot im sure, but that is neither here nor there.

The other woman is married but she has told me that has strong feelings for me, we feel it together.

Nothing has happened because we know the consequences of what will happen. But i dont want to pass the chance with this woman if it can work.

Its hard to fix whats wrong with the current relationship. you can start loving someone if you never really loved them, and if i did love them, i wouldnt have eyes for anyone else.

I love my baby, and will always be there for it no matter what, they are my number one. I just dont want to keep living this relationship as a lie to myself and my partner.

LegacyUser

Fair enough you say the baby wasn't planned and these things do happen but it's a bit late now to call your OH a rebound... exactly how long did it take you to figure this out??? i've seen this in lots of relationships, you're in a "rebound" but u were too gutless / lazy etc. to do the girl a favour and finish with her when u knew u didn't love her.
its bad enough that you've got to the stage where you and the other woman have discussed your feelings... even tho you haven't done anything physical, you're still emotionally cheating and that's just as bad.

Quote original OP "Its hard to fix whats wrong with the current relationship. you cant start loving someone if you never really loved them, and if i did love them, i wouldnt have eyes for anyone else."

To me that statement says you're dooming the relationship without even trying which is beyond selfish considering you now have a baby. Relationships take WORK!!

Get your head out of your ar$e. you could at least give it a try instead of just giving up and going for a married woman u know u can't have.