I can't connect, no trust, no friends

LegacyUser

Hi.

I want to help myself. So I hope you will help me out there fellow readers.

My issue is this:

I have always been paranoid from my background. We came from nothing. As in. We lived 8 of us in a two bedroom council house. I got beaten up as a little girl. I remember walking up a lane aged no more than 6, being grabbed and smashed against the wall and being thrown on the ground. My reason for going up the lane at the time was courage that I would stop anyone who tried to get in my way and stop harassing my sister. This and much more was before my parents managed to scrap together money in savings, an horrific accident with a motorbike that landed my father and mother in hospital, along came a new house, with 3 bedrooms and space for us to play. We moved to a decent area. We were put into school with posh children. I discovered how much discrimination an accent can get you, being only 6 I quickly adapted. I quickly learned how it went in these places. Where money to some kids was not an issue. But learning wouldn't stop me from having to wear my sister's old runners. My brother's old tshirts and my sister's old coats. I was the youngest, it didn't bother me, it bothered those around me.

I went on school tours, and went alone. Imagine, lonely child running around clara lara. Nobody wanted to be around me. I was clean, I didn't smell (mother showered us every day) , I didn't have lice and I didn't look ugly. I was a happy child despite everything that went on at home. We had a rough time at home with an older sister and brother who didn't get along. Drink and drugs destroyed my childhood and my relatives. I witnessed a lot of pain and went through a lot of painful things, but they only hurt now. Back then, you just got on with it.

I sat alone most of my childhood. In the schoolyard. I had a book, but i didn't read it. I sat there angry at the other children. I sat there resentful of how people treated me, when I knew myself I was alright. Other girls criticised me. One christmas I got new runners. I came into school in January hoping they would help me get "in" with the others. They said they were nice. Said they had to be "broken in" , by that, they meant stand on my feet. Telling me everyone did it. I knew it wasn't true. But I still had no friends after it. One girl I trusted. But she left me on my own then and joined the popular gang, even though she was fat and they were "glamorous" in comparison. One of those girls grew to hate me. I was outspoken in class, loved English and Maths, I had a rival at the top of the class. It wasn't her, it was another person, a bright boy called Jeremy. I was forced to attend the 6th class disco. The girls from the popular group pushed me on the ground and poured coke on me. A guy i sat next to during school term helped me up. Our neighbours drove me home. I ran into the house and tore my certificate from school and class picture into pieces. Glad I'd never have to attend again.

Now , after so long. I can't talk to people properly. I find it hard to take them seriously. I can't form relationships with people at work, I have no friends in college, I fear the groups. At work I learned to smoke so I'd fit in, but then I stood in the corner on my own. Anytime I'd give input to their conversations people looked at me as if i had two or three heads. Whenevr I spoke they stared at me. I don't get it. It happens everywhere all the time.

It's getting me down. I live on my own. I have a boyfriend but he goes out with his friends a lot when he's not working so I seee him once or twice every now and then. I can't ever find anything to talk about with his friends so dont get invited along. I don't know much or something. I don't know. There's something wrong with how I think or how I talk to people. I try , i get numbers, talk to people, but it never amounts to them wanting to take me up on invitations to places etc...

I'm doomed to be on my own forever if this continues. I'm 22. And I've never had a best friend or anyone in my life i could depend on. This doesn't bother me. I'm just not able to get used to being on my own so much.

LegacyUser

I hope this doesn't sound harsh but you have to stop using other people and the past as an excuse not to trust people. You don't connect because you throw up a wall. You have to put yourself out there and I mean make a real effort. You're making yourself be a loner because you're giving other people and the past power over your actions. It's probably an instinct in you now but I'm willing to bet that you come across unapproachable and you expect the worst from people so they don't disappoint you anymore. And when you expect little from people, that's usually what they give you.

I understand exactly how you're feeling, trust me. I could be you in a lot of ways. Similar childhood except the being beaten up was by my own parent on a regular basis. My father left us and to this day doesn't care that we went hungry without him. I do what you're doing in your post, reliving the past, feeling like it all just happened, not being able to let anything go. I'm always on the outside looking in. I'm not good with people, making small talk, making friends. I was always different to the people I lived near or went to school with. I've had some horrible things done to me. I know how all consuming the memories can be. The bitterness will take you over if you don't let go of it now. Hiding away and not going out with your boyfriend just makes it easier to stay how you are and harder to learn how to interact with people. I'm half talking to myself with this post by the way. It's your personality type that is making you feel like this. You are probably very sensitive and in a different setting would probably be surrounded by loved ones. You take it all to heart more than a lot of people do. I know I don't know you but your post comes across (to me) as if you might overthink things and put a lot more into something than other people would. Hard to explain but it's like you would take things a lot harder than the people who are doing horrible things to you would expect.

All of these memories you have, you have to let go of. You have to stop reliving them in your head. Stop telling yourself your story over and over again. Make a fresh start. If I was you (and it would be lovely it was this simple) I would write down everything. Every single feeling. Every single memory. Then I would burn the paper and let it go. Let it all go. Be accountable for yourself and make a fresh start in life. You've gotten this far alone so you must have strength. Turn that strength into something productive, make something of yourself and let go of that need for approval that's deep in there.

People are probably staring when you speak because they are surprised that you are actually interested in talking to them. Believe me, what you're not doing can speak volumes...it takes time to change but you can do it. Make yourself happy and forget about what anyone else thinks. If you're happy and confident by yourself then the right friends will come to you. When you let people get to know the real you then they will see what you are really about. I'm older than you and I've never had a close friend so you're not the only one that feels this way. And there is plenty of time for you to change and adjust and live a full life in the way that you really want. Sorry for the long post and I hope you read it as it was meant.