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Is a first love the strongest? What if an ex hangs around? Paranoid?

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  • 20-08-2009 12:05pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Me and a girl are have been going out the past few weeks. Things are great, its just that recently she has been getting back in touch with her ex. Now she and her ex have been friends since they were very young and got together for 4 years and just broke up a year ago, when I appeared on the scene.
    He was her first love (and Im falling for her for MY first love,hook, line, and sinker) and all that jazz so because they have been friends for so long, he is a very special guy to her. I can respect that but its annoying to have that guy still in contact with her knowing their past. They are in regular contact and she facebooks him with x's and all (where she doesnt usually to anyone else) . Just a few quick questions

    1. Is a girls first love the strongest? One that mine couldn't ever match up?
    2. Will there always be a residual love for him?
    3. Is it normal for a girl and an ex to be so close?
    4. Am I being just too damn paranoid??!

    As always, thanks guys, you never steer a brotha wrong ;)


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    #2
    Eve_Dublin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,886 ✭✭✭Eve_Dublin


    Everyone and every relationship is different OP but here's my answers to your questions as they apply to me (which might not be the case with your girlfriend)

    1. Most definitely not. My first love was when I was 18 and I've had much deeper loves since.

    2. I have no feelings for him but with my other exes, yes, I would have some residual feelings for them but only in a nostalgic sense. They were great guys, we broke up for a reason, I'm in touch with a few of them but wouldn't DREAM of getting back with any of them and visa versa. We broke up for good reasons as I'm sure is the case with your own OH.

    3. Is it normal...personally? If all the contact amounted to was regular contact (which all the world can see including yourself) on Facebook, then I wouldn't call that especially close OP? If they were meeting up and hanging out regularly without me, then I'd be jealous, yes.

    4. I think so from what you told us. The only real contact you mentioned was Facebook messages. Facebook ain't the real world and I'm sure she only has sentimental, nostaligic platonic feelings for this guy that she's known for year or else she wouldn't be so open about putting the messages on a social network site.

    I think you have to accept that your ex will have a bit of baggage just like you do. She's with you so she loves YOU...staying in touch with an ex through the internet is nothing to be worried about in my opinion. Keep a rational head about this, keep that little bit of jealousy in check or it will destroy your relationship in the end.

    Hope I steered this brotha right a little bit. Good luck.


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    #3
    prinz
    Registered Users Posts: 14,598 ✭✭✭✭prinz


    From my perspective, as a guy... (you know this being your first love you could be in her shoes yet OP, and things aren't always that different for guys and girls)

    1. First love the strongest..hmmm definitely not always. For some people maybe, for others not. Probably unforgettable though.

    2. I do remember her though (aaahhh good times) am in contact with her sometimes, but like Eve pointed out we broke up for a reason, and I wouldn't ever want to go back. Nothing compares to my current OH. Still though from time to time the memories do come back.. nostalgia..

    3. Is it normal? They've been friends for years as you say, so I don't see anything particularly odd about it. My OH is friends with an ex. I've met the guy nice chap. I have no problems them being friends. And like I said I still have, albeit irregular, contact with my first love.

    4. Paranoid - no, but you're learning. That's good. Think about these things but don't obsess. Always, always look for the life lesson in everything and before long you'll be doing ok. Try not to get on her case about this either.. that will only cause trouble. Tbh you might even like this guy, ever suggest you meet up? I know my OH's ex and I will never be best buds or anything now, but I know if I had met the lad under different circumstances he's exactly the sort of guy I'd get on well with.
    Eve_Dublin wrote: »
    Hope I steered this brotha right a little bit. Good luck.

    Fo shizzle.... :P


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    #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Eve and prinz, thanks. You guys have kinda settled me a bit. As you said prinz, Im TRYING to learn these life lessons haha. Its a rough and rocky road, but hopefully, slowly and surely, I'll get there. Eve, thanks for your response too! Put my mind at ease!

    Just wondering....does anyone else have an opinion? Different, similar, or otherwise??


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    #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Unregistered wrote: »
    1. Is a girls first love the strongest? One that mine couldn't ever match up?
    Don't see what being a girl has to do with it. Answer = no. As you get older and more mature, I find at least, what you define as 'love' becomes deeper over time. When I look back at my 'first love' it pails in comparison to my more recent loves simply cos i'm older nad know myself better etc etc
    2. Will there always be a residual love for him?
    Never say never, never say always. No one can answer this except her. But, dude, she is with you, not him. That says enough no ?
    3. Is it normal for a girl and an ex to be so close?
    No such thing as normal. sometimes yes, sometimes no. They're friends and its not like it hidden or secret now is it.
    4. Am I being just too damn paranoid??!
    Nah. Just asking fair questions. as last guy said - don't obsess!


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    #6
    Monkey61
    Registered Users Posts: 1,137 ✭✭✭Monkey61


    Hey OP, I don't think it is anything to worry about really.

    I am friends with all of my exes and see them on a very regular basis.

    My most recent ex, and yes, my first love if you will is my best friend. We would speak almost everyday and yes of course we love eachother very deeply and always will. But we don't actually want to be together. We don't fancy each other or want anything like that from each other. It is in no way flirty either. We just have a huge connection and will probably be best friends for the rest of our lives.

    My current girlfriend knows this and is absolutely fine with it, because she understands that it is in no way threatening to our relationship. It is just my best friend, and the fact that we were in a relationship for years is sort of incidental to the friendship now.


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