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I'm crazy about her, but......

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  • 19-08-2009 10:13pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    This is the most frustrating relationship I've ever had with a woman. Been seeing her for about 4-5months now. We get on great when we're together....its getting together thats the problem. She doesn't make much of an effort to meet up, for instance would make very few suggestions about going out etc, and from what i can see, I'm pretty low down on the list of priorities. If she can't meet me because she's going out with friends (mixed, not girls only), then she doesn't invite me along. We've spent 1 night together in the last 5 weeks, but she seems ok with that, whereas its driving me crazy.

    In short, she seems content to let me make all the running, but I'm fed up of getting knocked back all the time for one reason or another. We talked about this a few weeks ago, and she was genuinely upset that I'd even consider the possibility of breaking up as a result, and sent me a very affectionate text message.

    We're both over 30 so not love-struck teenagers, and I think we could have a real shot, but I'm worried we're moving at different speeds.

    Any ideas whats going on ? Women in particular.....please explain !!


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    #2
    Terodil
    Closed Accounts Posts: 809 ✭✭✭Terodil


    While her behaviour may be okay for the short term, it's not on in the long run. It's a lop-sided relationship and that's not good. Heck, seeing each other once in five weeks... I'd hardly call that a relationship, actually (assuming that you're not in a LDR)...

    If you've already talked to her about it and she hasn't changed at all after it, then I would consider her text a lip confession. Ultimatum time, methinks. Tell her that you consider the relationship excessively one-sided and that you cannot help but feel pushed back by her total lack of drive or dedication. Tell her she needs to make up her mind if she wants to be with you or not.

    You deserve somebody who cares as much about you as you care about her.

    Good luck.


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    #3
    XarcherX
    Registered Users Posts: 87 ✭✭XarcherX


    i agree with terodil, it's way too one-sided and this is bound to drive you crazy, specially if you really like the person...
    you don't mention previous relationships, is it that she's been single for a while and has just gotten used to having a single lifestyle? Out with different friends, keeping busy all the time etc.might be finding it hard to change?
    Either way, that's no excuse.. meeting just 1 night in the space of 5 weeks doesn't sound very promising.
    I'm not in favour of playing games within relationships but don't make yourself too available or she'll just get used to this and start to think you'll be there whenever she clicks her fingers. i reckon ask her straight out just once and tell her what your thinking, after that, she should be the one to make an effort to be with you...
    As they say, actions speak louder than words (or text messages!)


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    #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Unregistered wrote: »
    We've spent 1 night together in the last 5 weeks, but she seems ok with that, whereas its driving me crazy.

    She is not your girlfriend simple as, tell me something, and its just a guess here, when you do see her do you per chance buy her things?


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    #5
    Sephiroth_dude
    Moderators, Computer Games Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 80,003 Mod ✭✭✭✭Sephiroth_dude


    Simple solution,dont contact her,see if she contacts to make plans.Its not acceptable really what shes doing.


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    #6
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    i'd agree, tell her your sick of making the running and if she wants to see you she needs to contact you in relation to it, you'll soon find out where you stand one way or the other.


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    #7
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,075 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Personally I would scrape her off, If she's like this 5 months in I can't see it getting better. You sound like an little addition to her life, a monthly thing like meeting some friend she likes well enough but doesn't want to see regularly. I would ignore the affectionate texts type stuff. If she hasn't the insight to see that the relationship is one sided, then she's not really relationship material, if you want something more concrete.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



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    #8
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 1,007 ✭ [Deleted User]


    All of the above. And bear in mind also that if this is how she is at the beginning of the relationship, when you could expect that all parties were making more of an effort, how will it be a year down the line?

    It can be tough when two people have busy social lives and they're not yet at a point where they can introduce you to their friends and mix it all up. But this is dragging out and clearly upsetting you.

    Tell her what you want, you have needs too!


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    #9
    Qprmeath
    Registered Users Posts: 902 ✭✭✭Qprmeath


    There is "playing hard to get" but there comes a stage where its goes too far and she is just treating you very badly


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    #10
    Eve_Dublin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,886 ✭✭✭Eve_Dublin


    Female perspective!! You're not in a relationship, OP. You're in your 30s and I'm guessing you have an idea what a relationship entails at this stage....this is a casual relationship at best. I've seen this happen before...people having someone in their lives as a kind of safety net who they refer to as their boyfriend/girlfriend but never actually see...they like the security of knowing that they're not completely single (which some women are terrified of and particularly in their 30s) but would drop that person in an instant if someone better comes along. You need to be honest with yourself OP and give yourself a bit more credit that you deserve more.


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    #11
    Beruthiel
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,362 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    Unregistered wrote: »
    We've spent 1 night together in the last 5 weeks

    Womans perspective.
    As others have said, you're not in a relationship.
    If I was seeing someone over a five month period and only spent one night with them during the course of five weeks, then that man is nothing more than a diversion cos I had nothing better to do that night.

    She's not that into you.
    If she were, you'd know it and she would be spending a lot more time with you.

    Cut your losses and move on.


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    #12
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi OP.
    I'm in a new relationship similar to yours. He is making all the effort and I really do appreciate it. The reason I am letting him do this, to be brutally honest, is because my last relationship ended so badly I just don't want to get in as deep so quickly and have my heart broken again. I really love that he asks me out for proper dates and treats me so well. For me, one night in five weeks just means she is unsure of how she feels-I am in the same position. I am not the kind of girl who jumps into bed after a few dates and need to know the guy is somewhat interested in some sort of a relationship before spending the night with him.
    She is into you, but if she is anything like me she is probably deciding if you're worth opening up to and sharing her life with-I don't mean marriage but a relationship for the moment!! She is being affectionate is a guarded way-the text message was a good sign. My advice would be to ask her to dinner in yours, don't have to much to drink, and tell her what you've told us. At least you will know where you stand, but I think she is interested.


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    #13
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Sorry to say but I agree signs are not good. Five months and still not really knowing where you stand it not good. I agree with poster about asking her to dinner at yours and chatting about it.

    If she is into you I can't see why she doesn't invite you out with night wither friends. Have you even meet her friends? Or any family?


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    #14
    Greyfox
    Registered Users Posts: 3,722 ✭✭✭Greyfox


    Unregistered wrote: »
    This is the most frustrating relationship I've ever had with a woman. Been seeing her for about 4-5months now. We get on great when we're together....its getting together thats the problem. She doesn't make much of an effort to meet up, for instance would make very few suggestions about going out etc, and from what i can see, I'm pretty low down on the list of priorities. If she can't meet me because she's going out with friends (mixed, not girls only), then she doesn't invite me along. We've spent 1 night together in the last 5 weeks, but she seems ok with that, whereas its driving me crazy.

    In short, she seems content to let me make all the running, but I'm fed up of getting knocked back all the time for one reason or another. We talked about this a few weeks ago, and she was genuinely upset that I'd even consider the possibility of breaking up as a result, and sent me a very affectionate text message.

    We're both over 30 so not love-struck teenagers, and I think we could have a real shot, but I'm worried we're moving at different speeds.

    Any ideas whats going on ? Women in particular.....please explain !!

    Your not in a relationship and your firmly under her thumb, your the back-up plan if her more interesting plans don't work out. one night in 5 months would indicate she's not really that into you! She knows your crazy about her so she knows she can go ages without seeing you and then call you and you'll jump at the chance to go out with her. You only small chance of salvaging this is to ignor her for a while and let her know that your annoyed that she leaves it so long without meeting up and if she leaves it too long again she could lose you.


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