BF going through my phone

LegacyUser

My bf is was going on a business trip for a few days and had to be up early this morning around 5am.

So when his alarm went off this morning he turned it off quickly and got up. I was kind of half awake but kept my eyes closed as I was snoozing. I was sort of opening and closing my eyes and watching him get ready as I wanted to make sure I gave him a kiss goodbye. Then he did the stangest thing, he unplugged my phone and went to the bathroom. he was there for about 10 mins and tbh I didn't know what to think. I considered that he might be putting a funny reminder in my calendar or something for me to get while he was away. When he came back he held it behind his back.

I don't know why I did but I closed my eyes and let him put it back thinking I was asleep. I knew he'd be really embarrassed being caught in the act and I just didn't want to do it to him really.

So when he left I had a look through my calendar and there was nothing, he had left it just as he found it.

I am a bit bothered by the invasion of privacy but I could forgive him and tbh I have nothing to hide. What really hurts me is that he felt the need to do this.

I haven't said anything to him and I don't know if I should?

Nevyn

Ask him what he was doing and if he says nothing then tell him that you would consider anyone going through your phone as an invasion of privacy.

prinz

There's two ways of looking at it this IMO..

One, what was he doing, invasion of privacy kind of thing - perfectly legitimate, and something that should be sorted out, so yeah definitely like Thaedydal, I would be all for asking him straight out.

Two, why does it really bother you that much, we don't know how long your relationship is or how serious it is but personally my gf messing about with my phone wouldn't even register tbh she often has my phone playing games, looking at pictures etc, sure she could be going through my messages but what of it, I have nothing to hide from her in there, I just see being in a relationship as significantly altering your 'private sphere'. I mean yeah it if it's some stranger, but it's your boyfriend. Trust works both ways.

Beruthiel

prinz wrote: »

personally my gf messing about with my phone wouldn't even register tbh she often has my phone playing games, looking at pictures etc, sure she could be going through my messages but what of it, I have nothing to hide from her in there, I just see being in a relationship as significantly altering your 'private sphere'.

Not everyone does.
There is nothing to hide on my phone. Yet my OH knows he will loose a limb if I were to catch him going through it. I consider that a big invasion and I would certainly have no interest in going through his.
I have a big thing about boundries and space and the respect of both.
If someone is going through your phone at 5am in the morning and hoping you don't notice, they are up to something.

Personally OP, I would tell him you saw exactly what he was doing and you want to know why he did that.

MissFlitworth

I have no probs with my boyfriend messing round with my phone in front of me, but if he was taking it into the jacks with him when he thought I was asleep to go through it I'd be a bit nonplussed to say the least. Not because I have any problem with him looking through what's on it, but because I'd have a massive problem with the sneakiness of doing it behind my back and also because I'd want to know what he thought was on there.

I'd definitely say it to him, even just so he knows you know that he's been doing it. Sometimes when you're doing something you know you shouldn't be doing you need someone to tell you that they've noticed to help you break out of the habit! if you think you're getting away with it a a sneaky look can turn into full on obsessive checking of stuff

itsadeathtrap

jez women go through phones emails post etc. but thats ok women are just nosie.... look the guy went into the bathroom maybe he wanted to play the games, maybe he text some, (no credit on his own phone). if this bothers you so much comfront him....

GigaByte

Unregistered wrote: »

My bf is was going on a business trip for a few days and had to be up early this morning around 5am.

So when his alarm went off this morning he turned it off quickly and got up. I was kind of half awake but kept my eyes closed as I was snoozing. I was sort of opening and closing my eyes and watching him get ready as I wanted to make sure I gave him a kiss goodbye. Then he did the stangest thing, he unplugged my phone and went to the bathroom. he was there for about 10 mins and tbh I didn't know what to think. I considered that he might be putting a funny reminder in my calendar or something for me to get while he was away. When he came back he held it behind his back.

I don't know why I did but I closed my eyes and let him put it back thinking I was asleep. I knew he'd be really embarrassed being caught in the act and I just didn't want to do it to him really.

So when he left I had a look through my calendar and there was nothing, he had left it just as he found it.

I am a bit bothered by the invasion of privacy but I could forgive him and tbh I have nothing to hide. What really hurts me is that he felt the need to do this.

I haven't said anything to him and I don't know if I should?

I have one of those Pocket PC phone thingy's and my girlfriend is on it all the time! She can even read my emails on it if she wanted to without me knowing but I've no secrets or anything to hide from her so I don't care.

Why don't you just ask him, instead of wasting your time posting here, no one is going to know what reason he had for using your phone only him.

If I had a suspicious mind like you, I'd be thinking like you.

LegacyUser

It does seem a bit odd to bring your phone into the bathroom.
Assuming he took it to read your messages (obviously not proven), it seems like the actions of a suspicious person. You said he's going away for a few days, do you think there would be any reason for him to suspect that you might be up to something while he's gone?

I am a very open person and wouldn't care if my OH looked through my phone, or used it or whatever, but i would find it strange if he was hiding the fact that he wanted to look at it. I would presume he didnt trust me and was trying to catch me off guard or something...
I would definately ask, it's going to bother you if you dont and if that kind of mistrust and non-communication starts, it can get way out of hand very quickly, better to nip it in the bud...

LegacyUser

We're together almost a year, living together about 3 months.

I don't have a suspicious mind at all, I'd always try to give people the benefit of the doubt and I'd have no problem with him doing anything with my phone if he was upfront about it. In fact my first thought was that he was going to out a reminder with some funny/romantic message for me to get later but I've gone through my calendar for the next month.

It's also a pocket pc so it has my calendar, emails, fb & bebo accounts as well as all the usual phone stuff, it basically records my whole life.

It's the fact that it was very obvious that he was trying to hide it. And as i said before I'm not too worried about the invasion of privacy, I'm worried that he doesn't trust because that can't be good.

damienmcd

I'd never be comfortable with someone going through my phone even though there's nothing on it that I would feel the need to keep hidden. It's the pure fact that it's my phone and nothing to do with anyone else. Complete invasion of privacy here so say something to him.

You're obviously uncomfortable with him going through your phone. Maybe he's been in relationships before with someone who would have no problem with this or maybe he thought nothing of it. But if it makes you uncomfortable, like so many other things, it can be thrown back during an argument and that's only going to make things worse.

These are the sort of things that need to be sorted out if you intend to make the relationship last.

Eve_Dublin

I would be annoyed OP and like yourself, I'd be annoyed because it MIGHT indicate that he didn't trust me a 100%...or else it could be completely innocent and he's just curious and trying to find some juicy, gossipy but not necessarily incriminating texts...a bit like someone leaving their diary out and not resisting the urge to have a sneaky look (not that I personally ever have...but I had the chance...). It depends on the circumstances of your relationship. It might not mean he doesn't trust you, it's probably just something to pass the time while he's on the loo.

Still sneaky behaviour though, childish but forgivable and he shouldn't have done it without asking. I'd leave it if I were you, to be honest. Unless you feel there are trust issues in your relationship and things have been a bit hairy lately (you gave no indication that this was the case), then try and forget about it. I can personally see why he might do this (as I said, just to pass the time) and how it could be misconstrued as something more serious. Blowing it out of proportion could cause acute embarrassment and more hassle than it's worth, imo.

OS119

OP, there are only three possible explanations.

1. he wanted to use an application on your phone that his doesn't have - internet, credit to send an SMS etc... problem is, he did it in a way that suggests he doesn't know the difference between 'your things' and 'his things'. and even 50 years into a marriage there's still 'your things' and 'his things'... (if i need to use my wife's phone - as i did in not dissimilar circumstances to call a taxi to the airport at 5am - i ask permission, i do it in front of her, and i do it for the minimum time neccessary to make the call. not fcuk off downstairs with it!)

2. he doesn't trust you, and went looking through your phone for incriminating evidence. if he doesn't trust you what was he doing in your bed?

3. he's a very controlling person who, even if he has no reason to think something is amiss, believes he has the right to trawl through your phone (contacts, call log, SMS, calender, web-browser etc...) just because he's bored.

none of these are nice things.

challenge him on it - and make sure he knows you want this conversation right the fcuk now (for me this would be akin to finding another blokes boxer shorts in my wardrobe) - and if you aren't entirely happy with his explanation have his stuff in black bags asap.

trust, and the display of trust, is the absolute foundation of any relationship.

prinz

OS119 wrote: »

if i need to use my wife's phone - as i did in not dissimilar circumstances to call a taxi to the airport at 5am - i ask permission, i do it in front of her, and i do it for the minimum time neccessary to make the call. not fcuk off downstairs with it!)......
....trust, and the display of trust, is the absolute foundation of any relationship.

Sorry but I'm not seeing the slightest shred of trust there. You have to ask permission to just pick up your wife's phone to call a taxi to me that's just plain odd tbh. Whatever happened to 'what's mine is yours, and what's yours is mine'.. lordy..

OS119

prinz wrote: »

Sorry but I'm not seeing the slightest shred of trust there. You have to ask permission to just pick up your wife's phone to call a taxi to me that's just plain odd tbh. Whatever happened to 'what's mine is yours, and what's yours is mine'.. lordy..

i ask permission because a) its hers - in the same way i wouldn't just rifle through her purse because i wanted £20, and b) i'm a polite person who asks if its ok do do something even if technically i probably don't - they're called manners - and c) its also so that she knows i'm not doing anything underhand with it, it demonstrates that i'm not going through her messages and that i'm not indicating that i don't trust her.

the house is ours because we both bought and use it, the phone is hers because she bought it and she uses it. easy distinction.

meditraitor

on first read it looks like a trust issue, and depending on the seriousness/openess of your relationship this can either be no big deal or a massive intrusion.

But it could also be something he is planning which he needs numbers you have that he doesnt, have you a birthday coming up? maybe he wants to call your father/friends to tell her/them he is going to ask you to marry him, and is planning a party for you. Did it myself ;-)


Personally I adore and respect my misses so her looking at my phone does not even register and visa versa. Its only a phone.

below is usual PI post but maybe (hopefully not)
He might have trust issues and you may have some communication difficulties which is normal in most new/adolescent(ish) or damaged relationships and were one or both of the partners might have other personality/phycological issues (perfectly normal, we are human and lack perfection after all) but this can be ironed out with some good old fashioned talking..
Give it a go
Dont worry about it too much

castle

There is a chance he is cheating and even though he loves you this could be the case.
So if he is cheating he thinks that maybe you are to,he might be hoping to find something on your phone to justify why he is cheating,like double psychology people do funny things when they cheat.
Now of course this is just a theory but might be worth checking out ,ie go thought his phone.
Does he always have his phone on him around the house if it rings does he rush to get it.
Are sure it is a business trip?
Best of luck

prinz

OS119 wrote: »

i ask permission because a) its hers - in the same way i wouldn't just rifle through her purse because i wanted £20, and

Apples and oranges here, but I'll roll with it. Let's say your wife is out and you order a take away but then you remember when it comes you've no cash, but there's some in your OH's coat pocket or something you wouldn't just use it and tell her after the fact, oh by the way I used €20 for dinner or whatever...... Or after you've gone to the airport at 5 am you couldn't just talk to her later and say 'i used your phone this morning...' simple as. Asking her permission and then having to stand in front of her while you make the call and consciously keeping it as short as possible is just overkill tbh. Making a mountain out of a molehill. That sort of existence would drive me nuts, it would be like sharing a house with a flatmate and not a spouse, do you do separate food shopping?

OS119 wrote: »

b) i'm a polite person who asks if its ok do do something even if technically i probably don't - they're called manners - and

Thanks I'm well aware of manners. I'm a very mannerly chap myself as it happens.

OS119 wrote: »

c) its also so that she knows i'm not doing anything underhand with it, it demonstrates that i'm not going through her messages and that i'm not indicating that i don't trust her.

That's not something that I think should even be a factor. It wouldn't even cross my mind if I saw my OH with my phone. I trust her, she trusts me, we don't need to continually remind each other of that fact.

OS119 wrote: »

...the house is ours because we both bought and use it, the phone is hers because she bought it and she uses it. easy distinction.

Do you ask her if you can listen to a CD she bought? Or a DVD? I can't even begin to imagine what life would be like if my OH and I had to ask permission to use things belonging to the other. Where does it end?

OS119

i don't have to ask, i like to ask.

for us there's a clear deliniation between ours and mine/yours, phones, purses/wallets and laptops the latter, pretty much everything else the former.

i always have cash on me, my phone is always charged and i have a spare laptop - so i have to work pretty hard to need to use any of those things, and we deliberately have separate 'life strands' and rigorously respect each others privacy, so if i absolutely have to use her phone/laptop/purse i feel like i've moved outside our normal boundaries, and personally, when you have an ability/opportunity to delve into the 'separate' bits of your OH's life then i think you should feel a bit awkward.

cafecolour

Do you have a more advanced phone than him or anything? Since to me it more reads like he grabbed your phone to surf the web/play a game while he was taking a dump. Did the toilet flush after he came out of the bathroom?

muboop1

cafecolour wrote: »

Do you have a more advanced phone than him or anything? Since to me it more reads like he grabbed your phone to surf the web/play a game while he was taking a dump. Did the toilet flush after he came out of the bathroom?

I'm not saying he isnt going through texts etc...

But if my gf was asleep beside me with a nice iPhone on the bed side table for example, and i needed a poo...

Definitely nick hers to listen to some music while browsing through facebook! might not even sign her out first, because we likely have same friends added, so be a simple matter to check up on all i want without signing her out.

I wouldn't wake her up to tell her, because to be honest, waking her up for something that takes 5 mins... i would just feel bad! Waking her up to ask her if i can use her stuff while going toilet... i'd be kicked!

I'd assume she wouldn't care and go with it!

I'm just giving myself as an example, that it might not be so sinister!

Also, do you really care if he went through your stuff?
Unless he went through it with the mindset to check up on you(ill admit its hard to know) and didn't just view it as something to read while he was in there.

I wouldn't see a problem with that as long as its not overly possessive of his phone, and he would let you do same to him... If he felt he need to check ur stuff... bad!

But honestly, you will never know unless you ask him!

LegacyUser

meditraitor wrote: »

on first read it looks like a trust issue, and depending on the seriousness/openess of your relationship this can either be no big deal or a massive intrusion.

Personally I adore and respect my misses so her looking at my phone does not even register and visa versa. Its only a phone.

Him looking at my phone is no big deal. I feel the same way about my bf and again normally it wouldn't register.

What registers is the fact that he tried to hide this and do it sneakily.

meditraitor wrote: »

below is usual PI post but maybe (hopefully not)
He might have trust issues and you may have some communication difficulties which is normal in most new/adolescent(ish) or damaged relationships and were one or both of the partners might have other personality/phycological issues (perfectly normal, we are human and lack perfection after all) but this can be ironed out with some good old fashioned talking..
Give it a go
Dont worry about it too much

We're certailnly not adolescents and we have never had any sort of trust issues. We have a fantastic relationship and are very happy together. We talk about absolutely everything and I will definitely bring this up with him when he returns.

There is a chance he is cheating and even though he loves you this could be the case.
So if he is cheating he thinks that maybe you are to,he might be hoping to find something on your phone to justify why he is cheating,like double psychology people do funny things when they cheat.
Now of course this is just a theory but might be worth checking out ,ie go thought his phone.
Does he always have his phone on him around the house if it rings does he rush to get it.
Are sure it is a business trip?

I trust my bf 100% and I am certain that he is not cheating. I wouldn't dream of going through his phone to check up on him(not that he'd have any problem with me doing anything with his phone, I often play with it in front of him) and I don't think that is very good advice. That is a very unhelpful and unfounded speculation you are making. And yes it is definitely a business trip, it's a meeting with potential clients that I set up.

LegacyUser

muboop1 wrote: »

I'm not saying he isnt going through texts etc...

But if my gf was asleep beside me with a nice iPhone on the bed side table for example, and i needed a poo...

Definitely nick hers to listen to some music while browsing through facebook! might not even sign her out first, because we likely have same friends added, so be a simple matter to check up on all i want without signing her out.

I wouldn't wake her up to tell her, because to be honest, waking her up for something that takes 5 mins... i would just feel bad! Waking her up to ask her if i can use her stuff while going toilet... i'd be kicked!

I'd assume she wouldn't care and go with it!

I'm just giving myself as an example, that it might not be so sinister!

Also, do you really care if he went through your stuff?
Unless he went through it with the mindset to check up on you(ill admit its hard to know) and didn't just view it as something to read while he was in there.

I wouldn't see a problem with that as long as its not overly possessive of his phone, and he would let you do same to him... If he felt he need to check ur stuff... bad!

But honestly, you will never know unless you ask him!

No I don't really care if he went through my stuff. He isn't overly posessive of his phone at all, nor am I of mine. He did try to hide it when he returned though, he was trying to check if I was awake of asleep before putting it back.

I do trust him and I'm not all worried about that, I would be very hurt if he didn't trust em though

meditraitor

Unregistered wrote: »

Him looking at my phone is no big deal. I feel the same way about my bf and again normally it wouldn't register.

What registers is the fact that he tried to hide this and do it sneakily..

I can only go on what I read and if you dont mind me quoting

unregistered wrote:

My bf is was going on a business trip for a few days and had to be up early this morning around 5am.

I certainly wouldnt wake the queen up at 5am to ask her could I use her phone.......

Unregistered wrote: »

We're certailnly not adolescents and we have never had any sort of trust issues. We have a fantastic relationship and are very happy together. We talk about absolutely everything and I will definitely bring this up with him when he returns...

Thats great, so why worry?

Unregistered wrote: »

I trust my bf 100% and I am certain that he is not cheating. I wouldn't dream of going through his phone to check up on him(not that he'd have any problem with me doing anything with his phone, I often play with it in front of him) and I don't think that is very good advice. That is a very unhelpful and unfounded speculation you are making. And yes it is definitely a business trip, it's a meeting with potential clients that I set up.

Again, why are you worrying?

Its only a phone and you love and trust this guy.. you should have spoke to him at the time if it is eating away at you enough to post your feeling on an internet forum.

prinz

Unregistered wrote: »

Him looking at my phone is no big deal. I feel the same way about my bf and again normally it wouldn't register.
What registers is the fact that he tried to hide this and do it sneakily.

muboop1 wrote: »

I wouldn't wake her up to tell her, because to be honest, waking her up for something that takes 5 mins... i would just feel bad! Waking her up to ask her if i can use her stuff while going toilet... i'd be kicked!

This is fairly spot on IMO. Are you sure you're not just confusing him trying to be quiet and not disturb you, with being sneaky..

GigaByte

prinz wrote: »

This is fairly spot on IMO. Are you sure you're not just confusing him trying to be quiet and not disturb you, with being sneaky..

Good point prinz, if there's one thing that we can definitely tell without needing any explanation is that the OP is been sneaky by pretending to be a sleep the whole time from the moment he got up to the moment he got back.

If I wake up and my girlfriend is going to be away for awhile I'd not be "pretending" to be sleeping until they leave???

LegacyUser

GigaByte wrote: »

Good point prinz, if there's one thing that we can definitely tell without needing any explanation is that the OP is been sneaky by pretending to be a sleep the whole time from the moment he got up to the moment he got back.

If I wake up and my girlfriend is going to be away for awhile I'd not be "pretending" to be sleeping until they leave???

I wasn't "pretending" anything, I was awake but snoozing, I was trying not to fall back to sleep because I wanted to give him a kiss goodbye. When he got back I was awake, I could see that he was trying to hide the phone from me and was acting awkward, so I closed my eyes for 30 seconds. I thought he'd have put something funny or romantic in my phone so I didn't want to spoil the surprise for him.

I didn't check the phone to see what he'd doen til after he left.

Eve_Dublin

Unregistered wrote: »

I wasn't "pretending" anything, I was awake but snoozing, I was trying not to fall back to sleep because I wanted to give him a kiss goodbye. When he got back I was awake, I could see that he was trying to hide the phone from me and was acting awkward, so I closed my eyes for 30 seconds. I thought he'd have put something funny or romantic in my phone so I didn't want to spoil the surprise for him.

I didn't check the phone to see what he'd doen til after he left.

Really OP...if you're not worried, then what IS the problem??

Sorry...just read your post above...your worried he doesn't trust you. I think you know you have to speak to him then. Everything else is just speculation on our part.

finbarrk

castle wrote: »

There is a chance he is cheating and even though he loves you this could be the case.
So if he is cheating he thinks that maybe you are to,he might be hoping to find something on your phone to justify why he is cheating,like double psychology people do funny things when they cheat.
Now of course this is just a theory but might be worth checking out ,ie go thought his phone.
Does he always have his phone on him around the house if it rings does he rush to get it.
Are sure it is a business trip?
Best of luck

This is probably the most likely explaination unfortunatley for the op. Make sure to give an odd check to his phone if you can ever get your hands on it.

Eve_Dublin

finbarrk wrote: »

This is probably the most likely explaination unfortunatley for the op. Make sure to give an odd check to his phone if you can ever get your hands on it.

Really? Jaysus talk about assuming the worst about someone!! :pac: Personally I feel if you don't think in your gut that you've anything to worry about with regards to your relationship, then you probably don't.

I personally (but I've no idea...more speculation) think that he was whiling away the minutes messing with the programmes on your fancy phone while he was taking a (excuse the crudeness) dump. End of. Innocent until proven guilty and all that jazz...giving the person you trust and love the benefit of the doubt is a sign of a healthy relationship.

VaioCruiser

People who have relationships with each other are generally extremely naive when it comes to 'managing' their relationship, in my experience and opinion. Not a lot of thought goes into it and as a result many run into trouble like this. Especially where people are dating and allow their passion to control their brains.

It is a complete fallacy, in my view, for people to have this expectation and entitlement that their partner's life be an open book to them and that their partner must immediately terminate any contact with previous boy/girl friends and people they may have an attraction to but do not intend to have a relationship at the moment etc etc etc.

This kind of entitlement/ expectation has become part of the culture of dating and marriage and in my view it is not just wrong - it creates a situation where failure is more and more likely because modern life involves so much interaction with other people, and relationship are complex.

By creating this open-book situation it is human nature that one partner will feel limited/trapped/controlled by it and there the seed is sewn for eventual trouble down the line.

Does it cause every partnership to fail ? of course not. But in my view it creates a completely unnecessary and unwarranted and unnatural state between two adults and narrows the chances of a successful relationship from the start.

I have found that smart and mature people who have learned from mistakes they make in life learn to adopt a 'respect' state with their partners where they allow them to have their own life as part of their exclusive commitment, their own privacy for the adults they are. They have learned that we all need our independence, our ability to live certain parts of our lives as independent adults and then as part of that independence, chose to share it with our partners. This respect relationship creates space for partners to breathe and in my opinion creates relationships that have a much much higher chance of succeeding in the medium and long term.

My two cents

All the best.

redapple

VaioCruiser wrote: »

People who have relationships with each other are generally extremely naive when it comes to 'managing' their relationship, in my experience and opinion. Not a lot of thought goes into it and as a result many run into trouble like this. Especially where people are dating and allow their passion to control their brains.

It is a complete fallacy, in my view, for people to have this expectation and entitlement that their partner's life be an open book to them and that their partner must immediately terminate any contact with previous boy/girl friends and people they may have an attraction to but do not intend to have a relationship at the moment etc etc etc.

This kind of entitlement/ expectation has become part of the culture of dating and marriage and in my view it is not just wrong - it creates a situation where failure is more and more likely because modern life involves so much interaction with other people, and relationship are complex.

By creating this open-book situation it is human nature that one partner will feel limited/trapped/controlled by it and there the seed is sewn for eventual trouble down the line.

Does it cause every partnership to fail ? of course not. But in my view it creates a completely unnecessary and unwarranted and unnatural state between two adults and narrows the chances of a successful relationship from the start.

I have found that smart and mature people who have learned from mistakes they make in life learn to adopt a 'respect' state with their partners where they allow them to have their own life as part of their exclusive commitment, their own privacy for the adults they are. They have learned that we all need our independence, our ability to live certain parts of our lives as independent adults and then as part of that independence, chose to share it with our partners. This respect relationship creates space for partners to breathe and in my opinion creates relationships that have a much much higher chance of succeeding in the medium and long term.

My two cents

All the best.

Well put. I totally agree.