Marriage or not?

LegacyUser

Ok, I've been with my girl 11 years, everything's great. We've lived together for the past five years in rented accom in my home town. She's the love of my life and I'm fairly certain she feels the same way. And I want to marry her. Not immediately, but at some point in the near future. Thing is, I don't want to ask her and for her to say no, for whatever reason.

The reason I'm confused is she seems all over the place on the topic of marriage. She has a friend who is getting married and who was joking with her the other day that she (my girl) will be getting married soon enough. My girl freaked out they had a fairly serious tiff, my girl saying she had no interest in marriage and it was meaningless unless you are going to have kids (we don't want kids). This wasn't the first time I'd heard her giving out about marriage, either.

But, at other times, she seems to take it as a given that we'll get married (which really confuses me). She'll be talking about the future, and say things like "when we're old and married", or refer to my sister having kids and us being "Aunt and Uncle UnregDude". She's made reference to my parents being her "inlaws some day", and even a while back pointed to a wedding dress in a picture and said "that's the sort of dress I want."

I've no idea where I stand, basically. I love her. I want to marry her, but if I ask her and she says no, I'd be destroyed. I'm thinking she would like to get married, but doesn't like the institution of marriage maybe? I've brought the topic of marriage up in general conversation (e.g. when our friends got married), and she just agreed that she'd said she was against it - i.e. no explanation.

I don't want to marry her because she's too embarrassed to say "no", so how can I figure out where she really stands on this? If I press the issue without asking her, it will be totally obvious what's going on

shellyboo

I think she was just saving face with her friend. Brides-to-be can be... let's say a tad smug at times, and that sort of wedding superiority complex can get pretty old pretty fast. I'd say your gf was just taking her down a peg or two, tbh, pointing out that marriage isn't the be all and end all.

At the end of the day, what she says to you in private is probably her real feeling on the matter. I'd take all the little hints over the massive blowout, and take it that she does want to get married.

missmatty

Definitely she is saving face. Maybe after eleven years she has lost hope of you ever asking her? Go for it I'd be pretty certain she would be thrilled. From your post it seems she sees her future with you and that you have a good secure relationship.

coffee_cake

Why don't you sit down and discuss the possibility of you two getting married with her? I mean if you're still really inclined to you can surprise-propose at another time, but I don't think something this serious should be so one-sided.
Just sit down with her and ask her how she feels about the idea of you two marrying and TELL her you'd like to .

Beruthiel

OP
Sit her down and talk to her.
I'm with my bloke 10 years and have no interest in getting married.
Why fix what ain't broken is the way I see it. Perhaps she does too?

Anyway, talk to her, see what she really wants.
If she does want to marry, then leave it for a while so that when you propose some months down the line, it will be a semi surprise.

GirlatdRockShow

Sit down and talk to her about it! She may have been saving face or she may just not be into the whole marraige thing.Either way at least you will know where you stand. Even if she dosen't want to marry you,it's no slight against you,you have been with her for eleven years,I think you are in there!:P

newtoboards

Sounds like she was being defensive wit her friend if you ask me. As another poster says those getting married gush about all the love and it can be a bit much to take! Ask her what she really wants and tell her what you really want and go from there

LegacyUser

You are together eleven years and you still aren't ready to marry her - of course she is going to tell people that she isn't interested. I do the same, it's silly really but I find it a bit embarrassing that he is scared to marry me (we have lots of kids and a house) and I think it is too late for us now. People have actually said to me before that he must not be interested in a commitment if he hasn't even proposed. I find that mortifying so now I say we both aren't interested which is sort of true.

I know I sound like I'm contradicting myself but I've never been bothered or interested in marriage. It's only when other people put it into my head that I feel like maybe I'm missing out. I know we are in a relationship forever and that we are fully committed but I also know that I would probably marry him tomorrow if he really wanted to. Maybe your girlfriend's head is as screwed up as mine!

Oh The Humanity

If she's with you 11 years I doubt she will say no!

Beruthiel

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

If she's with you 11 years I doubt she will say no!

Never count your chickens before they're hatched.

VaioCruiser

OP..

The thing is there is no real need to sit her down and 'pop' the question... out of the blue. I have been in this situation before and maybe some people would think I chickened out but I just steered the conversation in that direction one evening when we were both relaxed and talking about being together .. I just moved the conversation sideway slightly and asked her what she thought about us staying together long term and what she thought about marriage ... etc ... and that I thought marriage was a good ideas ... and once I knew she clearly wanted the same I asked her well would she marry me... she said yes. Then of course she said are you asking me officially ? so she made me do the official 'ask'... and it went fine

It might be the best way for you too.

All the best

SarahSassy

UnregDude wrote: »

She'll be talking about the future, and say things like "when we're old and married", or refer to my sister having kids and us being "Aunt and Uncle UnregDude". She's made reference to my parents being her "inlaws some day", and even a while back pointed to a wedding dress in a picture and said "that's the sort of dress I want."

Listen to this bit the rest is self protection. How do you respond when she says this? This could be the trigger for everything else she says.

She is putting up a front in front of her friends cos maybe she is a bit embarrassed that you have not asked her after all this time. Likewise, she is sometimes telling you what she thinks you want to hear...

MissHoneyBun

Having been together for 11 years I'm sure it's possible for you both to sit down and have a chat about your futures together. Just get the timing right, as in have a chat about it when you're both in a relaxed frame of mind and in a position to actually give the discussion some thought.

Toots

TBH, it sounds like she's in the same boat you are. Are you together 11 years and have never actually seriously discussed whether or not you want to get married? The bit about 'inlaws' etc suggests to me that she probably does want to get married at some stage, but perhaps she's wondering if maybe you don't because you've never discussed it with her. Just because you discuss it doesn't mean the proposal can't be a surprise. You should chat and see what page you're both on, then take it from there. I wouldn't put too much stock in what she said to her friend, as Shellyboo said, some brides to be can be a tad smug, and that's putting it mildly, she probably just had enough and snapped. Talk things over and see what you both want.

MJOR

Talk to her... See what she says and take it from there.