Slept with brother's girlfriend, does he need to know?

LegacyUser

Last friday my brother brought his girlfriend over for dinner. He's been going out with her for a while and seems mad about her.

Problem is about 3 years ago me and her had a few nights of passion. Liked each other but it would have been long distance(I don't live in this area) so we decided to leave it at just having the odd shag.

She started going out with someone about 2years ago so we kind of lost contact the last while. As you can imagine friday was literally the most awkward I've ever felt in my entire life.

We were introduced and she pretended not to have known me. However she gave me "oh good god" eye contact. We weren't alone the entire evening so didn't get to talk to her

I don't suspect she's done this on purpose or anything. We weren't friends on facebook/bebo or anything, we met in a pub and I only met one of her mates,(and only the first night we met) its really just a horrific coincidence.

Me and my brother don't get on well. Civil the last while(and getting better) but we never talk like brothers. I'm convinced he'll hate me over it even though I've done nothing wrong. On the other hand I feel it will be worse if she tells him and I have to face him.

Should I just pretend it never happened? If I was him I think I'd find it really weird and end the relationship. However he's never had a girlfriend before and I don't want this ruined on him. He seems in great form now and my family all love her. She's said nothing yet so she might keep her mouth shut.

I'm 26, he's 23

Any thoughts?

JCDUB

Whoah, tough break man.

I know it if was my brother and he told me we'd probably laugh it off and I would probably break up with her because of the weirdness, but me and my brother are very close.

You and your brother aren't, so it's more difficult to call.Also, the fact that she's his first GF probably means he likes her alot, to which you referred in your post.

If I were you, I'd wait to meet the girl again, make sure I got some time to have a quick word with her and ask her how she wants it to play out.If she likes him a lot and the feeling is mutual and you both agree then say nada.

All well you say, until 6 months/2 years down the line they have a big row and she blurts it out, then wtf??
I don't think she'd be the type though if she's sincere enough to want to have a relationship with him without this fact being outed.

One point to remember though, if you do tell him, him and his OH are almost certainly over.

gogglebok

unsurestephen wrote: »

Problem is about 3 years ago me and her had a few nights of passion. Liked each other but it would have been long distance(I don't live in this area) so we decided to leave it at just having the odd shag.

Tough one. I would be inclined to lthink of it as her decision, but I'm really not sure. They're in a relationship, and they get to decide how much of each other's history they explore. But how angry or upset would he be if he found out in a few years time?

How much did you let on when she turned up? I suppose you could pretend not to remember her, or not to make the connection between this girl and the one you had a fling with. It's a bit of mutual fiction, but if she can tell herself that you have forgotten, she might latch onto that and just pretend that you have no history together. However unlikely it seems logically, it might make emotional sense to simply move on as if nothing had happened.

The real danger, as I see it, is that the shared past will give you two a little secret that your brother doesn't share. You should be very careful about any air of conspiracy in which he is the dupe. If you did decide to blank the past you would both have to do it with fierce dedication. Can you imagine having this secret from him for twenty years? For forty? In the year 2036, when he is asking you for advice about her?

If not, one of you should probably tell him (but it should probably be her).

Firetrap

I think you and her should have a chat and decide where to go from there. The easiest way out of it is to say nothing but this is a small country and there are possibly other people who know that you and her have met before. Perhaps you could water it down a but and say you knew her to talk to. Whatever you do, you'd want to resolve it fairly quickly

Toots

If it were me, I'd keep my mouth shut. It happened before they got together, and as far as I'm concerned, people's sexual past is their own business. Frankly I can't understand why some people practically want names and addresses of people their partner has slept with before them, IMO provided they're STD free then I couldn't care less who they'd been with. I think coming from you, it could damage your relationship with your brother, and TBH it's not something he needs to know. While you may say it with the best possible intentions (ie, you're my brother, I didn't want you hearing it off a mate) it could very well come across as gloating, ie "ha ha, you've got my sloppy seconds". I also reckon the chances of her telling him are very slim.

tbh

how likely is your brother to find out?

Normally I would say that things like this always - ALWAYS - come back and bite you on the ass. Your problem will be that if your bro finds out from other sources (or her), he'll not believe anything you say on the matter. So you may as well be up front and tell him yourself.

However, it's really an incidental detail - you've not thought of this girl since you saw her last, and hopefully she's the same. If just the both of you know, and neither wants to say anything - if she likes your brother, she's probably more worried about you telling him than you are - then let sleeping dogs lie.

castle

As long as there are no feeling from either of you's to each other,then have that chat and agree that you will go forward and be adults about it,do not tell your brother he does not need to know.

kmick

No way dont tell him. You didnt sleep with his gf - you spent some time with a girl who subsequently started going out with your brother. Its all about the phrasing.

Oh The Humanity

Bit of a 'Dan in real life' moment there!

I'd say sweet feck all.

Yourself and the girl should keep a cordial distance. No secret huddles. Become born again strangers.

Two of you need to wipe your memory banks and start relating as though you are sister and brother.

What happened can't be helped now. Let their relationship take its natural course and keep well away from herself.

ManOfMystery

A very tricky situation alright!

You have to weigh up the pros and cons of telling him/not telling him.

If you tell him, he will no doubt find it weird. However, people have gotten over worse things. Neither you nor her betrayed your brother - no-one cheated, no-one did anything behind his back - it's simply as you say, a horrific coincidence. That's something he'll have to accept. You may find that he will deal with it fine after a while; in fact, given that the two of you haven't gotten on before, he might appreciate your honesty.

If you don't tell him, then both you and her have got this secret to carry for potentially a long time. What if her and the brother fall in love and get married? Then it's not just a case of "I once slept with my brothers current g/f", it will be "I slept once with his wife". Could you keep this hidden for years?

Personally I think honesty is the best policy. No matter what comes of the situation, at least you can hold up your hands and say you did nothing wrong. You slept with a girl once, she later went out with your brother, you told him the truth - there was no deceit or betrayal.

I would advise however that whatever you decide, do it soon - don't wait until 3 months down the line when he might have fallen heavily for this girl and the emotional impact will be far greater on him.

Good luck

wexford202

I wouldn't say anything if I were you and if your brother ever did find out and mention it just play dumb and say that you couldn't remember.

itsadeathtrap

talk with her 1st.... if she is planning on tell him, then it will be probably would be better coming from you.... but on the other hand you only had a quick shag with this girl.. so if she is willing to say nothing then a shut mouth catches no flies....

iguana

None of us know you or your brother so it's difficult to give advice. How close are you to the rest of your family? Could you have a chat with one of your parents about this. Maybe in a not so detailed way, just be vague and say you two dated at some point. Your parents might have better insight into how your brother would take it. I know it's what I'd do if I was in your situation.

davej

If there is a remote possibility that they could go out together for say 5 years and then decide to get married, how would you feel then if it all came out ?

davej

LadyJ

Ugh, this is a really horrible situation!

Thing is though, this is a pretty massive secret for someone to keep in a relationship. I mean, how would you feel if the situation was reversed? Would you feel comfortable having such a huge secret hanging over your relationship? I realise that relationships are probably better off without knowing all the tiny details of a person's past but at the same time, this is quite a big detail not to know....

damienmcd

Firstly you've done nothing wrong here so don't go worrying that you have done anything sinister.

Secondly, tell him! If you don't then she eventually will. And if it comes out from her then your brother will probably find the need to kick your ass!

Thirdly(if this is actually a word), What would you do if you did get time alone and tried to talk to her and she started coming on to you. Que awkward situation and your brother feeling the need to kick your ass!

Also since she's his first girlfriend, and you've been there and done that, and you don't tell him, then you deserve to have him kick your ass!

Looks like the only thing to do is tell him and let him deal with it or you'll be getting your ass kicked.

gogglebok

damienmcd wrote: »

Firstly you've done nothing wrong here so don't go worrying that you have done anything sinister.

Secondly, tell him! If you don't then she eventually will.

OK, I've changed my mind. I think he should be told. It's just too big a secret to keep. Having the secret also reinforces an intimacy between you and his girlfriend, which excludes him - and that's exactly what you don't want. Thirdly (it's a fine word), sharing the secret with his girlfriend means it is never in the past. You shouldn't really know stuff about his girlfriend's sex life that he doesn't.

As to who tells him, I think it should be her. Maybe tell her that you're going to talk to him on Sunday, giving her the chance to break it to him in the meantime.

But I'd do it soon, because it's going to get harder and harder, and more and more inappropriate in the meantime.

dyl10

Don't go chatting with the girl about it, behind his back.
I reckon you should tell him, if it all came out in a couple of years time, he'd know you had kept it a secret and you'd seriously be ****ed then.
What if they break up and as a parting shot, she let him know all about it?

If I were you, I wouldn't trust anyone enough to keep a secret like that to themselves.

Annie Bananie

Honesty ftw! He will find out sooner or later anyway. Its just the way it is.
Better for both you and her to be honest with him. You are his brother and she is supposed to have a relationship with him, hopefully an honest one.
Talk to her and then deside who is gonna tell him would be my advise.

Vasco

I was pretty much the exact same boat as you. Except i was the younger brother. My brother found out early on. It proved to be the thorn in the side of their relationship for the rest of the time they were together (10 years).

He is better off finding out now rather than later. Trust me.

Carsinian Thau

Don't say anything. It sounds like it could make things terribly complicated for all of you.


If you can manage it, try and talk to her on her own about it. I'm sure she probably feels the same way.

I wish you the best of luck OP. I do not envy you.

Wagon

Dont say a bloody word. She'll keep her mouth shut about it im sure. Also if you two dont get along well then his reaction could well be to break your nose over it. Not saying that's what will happen but its a possibility so keep your mouth shut. HE DOES NOT NEED TO KNOW.

fizzynicenice

Have been here before mate, trust me, say nothing, funking nothing