Played the Trump card too soon?!! Need male advice esp!

RedOG

I've been casually dating this guy for about 2 weeks and am starting to really fall for him. However, last night things went further than supposed to and we ended up having sex. It was great and I didn't regret it at the time but now I'm feeling really vulnerable and upset as I feel like he may not want to even progress to a relationship as there's nothing to 'work' for. Every time we're txting and he doesn't reply straight away, I'm on edge. On the one hand, I feel like sex shouldn't be used as a bartering tool to keep a man interested and you should life the moment.. but on the other I feel really powerless and exposed. I hate feeling like this but don't feel like I can talk to him about it as don't want to sound intense or clingy!

Guys- would you still be interested or should I not get my hopes up... Is a conversation about it with him a total turn-off and a big no-no??

Please help!

JCDUB

You'll be grand OP, don't worry!

For me it's just the first date, if she comes home with me after one date then I can pretty much guarantee things wont go any further.
Never say never though.

You were dating for a couple of weeks so no hassle, especially if you both had fun and enjoyed yourselves, you're cruising.

Maybe make him wait another couple of weeks now though just to keep him sharp;)

VaioCruiser

Hi OP.

As a guy I can see how you might be worried. Guys are guys after all. It's not conscious or willful, it's just the way we are.

I can only suggest to stay cool and see how things go. Don't let things move to sex again for a few weeks and make sure you have a few dates that end well short.

Suss it out during this period and I hope that it will go well for you.

All the best.

redorblack

Be direct, tell him what you are thinking, you will know then by what and how he responds how and where you stand. If you don't like what you hear just move on and keep your chin up.

dyl10

redorblack wrote: »

Be direct, tell him what you are thinking, you will know then by what and how he responds how and where you stand. If you don't like what you hear just move on and keep your chin up.

In a perfect world, I'd give the same advice.
However, I don't think a conversation like that after 2 weeks would go down successfully with everyone.
Use your discretion and make your own judgment on him.

blairbear

To be honest, I don't think two weeks in is that early to sleep with someone. Had you been on many dates in the two weeks? It might seem a bit soon to you if you'd just met twice but could seem totally natural if you guys were seeing each other every second day or even just on the phone a lot to each other.

I don't think you should stress about it too much. I agree with maybe making the next couple of dates sex-free. Do something during the day and not alcohol-fuelled so you'll be sure to resist tempation!! I think having a chat with him about it might make him think it over too much. He's probably at home thinking, "wow that was great!" and the fact it was after only two weeks may be the furthest thing from his mind. You don't want to introduce seeds of doubt needlessly!

Seriously..stop stressing yourself out...it wasn't the first date. Loads of people I know in good relationships slept together after that length of time or sooner. You can't predict what's going to happen with him now. Only time will tell. But definitely play it a bit cooler physically and it'll probably put your mind at rest.

LegacyUser

ok i disagree with the others. the way i see it is this. if he's into you he is into you. overanalysing it - surefire way to dampen the spark between you. u guys did it, it was good. if you start holding back now so as to make him keen, well thats entirely your right, but it might come across as game playing. if it REALLY soemthing you are worried about just talk to him as casually as possible. if he's a grown up then he'll be cool with it. if he's not well then you established that early on. Either way....whats done is done. u can't change it now so work from where things are now.....which doesn't sound that bad. best way you can be is self-assured in yourself

Terodil

RedOG wrote: »

now I'm feeling really vulnerable and upset as I feel like he may not want to even progress to a relationship as there's nothing to 'work' for. [...] I feel really powerless and exposed. I hate feeling like this but don't feel like I can talk to him about it as don't want to sound intense or clingy!

Hi OP, you wanted sex, he wanted sex, you had sex. There's nothing more to it. I can understand how you're worried but please, please understand that sex is not to be used as a bartering or pressure tool in some kind of power game. If you start a relationship on that foot it's surely going to go very, very wrong! You have tons to work for, the height of a relationship is not the sex. You need to really get to know each other, get more comfortable, and still maintain that little 'extra' that keeps relationships alive after the initial thrill has worn off. Tons of challenges, and each of them harder than having sex.

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Guys are guys after all. It's not conscious or willful, it's just the way we are.

What rubbish. :rolleyes: Talk for yourself please and don't presume to be talking for men in general.

Beruthiel

RedOG wrote: »

Every time we're txting and he doesn't reply straight away, I'm on edge.

Quit with the texting then. My head would be melted if someone kept texting me.
If you need to talk, call them or wait until the next date.

Also, you need to relax, big time. You're coming across as needy and clingy.
If he's into you then he will continue to see you.
All you need to do is relax and be yourself.
If it's meant to be then it will happen.

I never saw the use of game playing. Do what you want, when you want.
People who feel the need to play games most lightly have no confidence in themselves and who they are.
Never second guess yourself.
Sex isn't a 'trump card'.
It's something you do when you feel like it and thinking it's some sort of holy grail is building it up to be more than it is.

And for goodness sake, quit over analysing everything. Men are simple creatures and do not tend to over think any situation beyond what it is/was.

tbh

can I just emphasize two very important points from Berus post:

Beruthiel wrote: »

Sex isn't a 'trump card'.

Beruthiel wrote: »

Men are simple creatures and do not tend to over think any situation beyond what it is/was.

RossFixxxed

Except for the ones that do. Obviously enough. Right that's sorted.

OP get out on more dates and don't blow sex out of all proportion in the relationship. Constant texting etc and being clingy will be the downfall much quicker. Good luck!

shellyboo

OP, if he was just in ot for the sex, he was just in it for the sex - that would have been the case whether you slept with him after two weeks or two months. If he's into you, he's into you.

It's not a game... there is no trump card. Have a little faith that he's not a user or an asshole and just see how things go. DEFINITELY do not bring it up in conversation.

RedOG

Thanks for all the solid advice there guys, you really put it all into perspective.

I guess I'm freaking out because when I told a friend of mine the gossip, she called me 'a fool' for doing so which began the whole process of over- analyzing. And because if it does all go pear- shaped and I don't hear from him again, I'll find it hard not to blame myself for not waiting (even though rationally I know I'm better off without someone like that)

But sure I'm just going to have to wait and see what the story is. We were supposed to meet up either today or tomorrow before said sex happened so we'll see if he gets in contact. And if he does, I'll be cool, calm and collected.. promise !

Thanks again everyone!
x

VaioCruiser

Terodil wrote: »

What rubbish. :rolleyes: Talk for yourself please and don't presume to be talking for men in general.

All posts here are assumed to be 'speaking for ourselves'. I am sorry you find my opinion 'rubbish'. However it remains true, whether you like it or not.

Zoodlebop

VaioCruiser wrote: »

All posts here are assumed to be 'speaking for ourselves'. I am sorry you find my opinion 'rubbish'. However it remains true, whether you like it or not.

Then at least do the rest of us men the courtesy of familiarising yourself with personal pronouns.

I also find your opinion rubbish. I live (and believe that humans in general do) in a society which elevates me (or should) above basic animal urges. I believe that the inability to resist said urges renders the indulger uncivilized and gross.

To the OP: I would try not to worry about it. As hard as it seems, don't plan your entire emotional existence around this fella. Keep doing your own things. If it's (he's/you're) on the right track, then sex after two weeks won't throw it off at all. It sounds like maybe you are the one who's been thrown by the sex, not him!

Edit: Dear, Vaio. Please note use of personal pronouns.

DamoDLK

RedOG wrote: »

IEvery time we're txting and he doesn't reply straight away, I'm on edge.

Just some advice on this point OP, i'm not really a texter more of a talker meself! When i was a teenager i was.. but now, no don't really like it. If i was into a girl i'd let her know from the outset that i'm not much of a texter.. this would hopefully dispel any doubts she has. Oddly tho, at the moment theres a chick i'm into - but i find myself texting again, simply because she rather's it that way... under the thumb.:o

Eve_Dublin

From personal experience, I didn't wait anywhere CLOSE to two weeks to sleep with exes when I started seeing them first and I had a good run of 2 -3 years with each (yep, I'm a slapper but I like to think I've plenty more to offer than just sex as I'm sure you do too OP). Sex is most definitely NOT a trump card and it would be a very sad day for women if this was the case. If this guys likes you, he will want to see you again and believe me, if he was the kind of guy VaioCruiser talked about in his post, then he wouldn't have hung around if he didn't get what he wanted on the first date.

prinz

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

If this guys likes you, he will want to see you again and believe me, if he was the kind of guy VaioCruiser talked about in his post, then he wouldn't have hung around if he didn't get what he wanted on the first date.

Not necessarily with you on this one Eve. There are plenty of guys who would keep dating a girl a lot longer than 2 weeks just to get the leg and then drop her. It's not like they're only dating one girl at a time, so a wait of a few weeks or months means nothing tbh when it comes to guys like that.

As to the OP wait and see. Maybe he's still into you, maybe he's not. Don't stress it too much or over think the whole thing. Just continue as if nothing had happened with him, until you feel the time is right to sleep with him again and just be natural. Don't get into the whole game playing thing, far too much of that going on and it's the cause of most of the RI's on this forum.

And here was I thinking this was going to be about Donald..

Eve_Dublin

prinz wrote: »

Not necessarily with you on this one Eve. There are plenty of guys who would keep dating a girl a lot longer than 2 weeks just to get the leg and then drop her. It's not like they're only dating one girl at a time, so a wait of a few weeks or months means nothing tbh when it comes to guys like that.

Yeah. Maybe I'm being a little naive on this one...it hasn't been the case in my experience. I'm not doubting there's plenty of fellas out there after only one thing (and women too!)...but I'm guessing the amount of men who'd shmooze a lady for 2 weeks or more JUST to get his leg over are thinner on the ground, no? Seems like a lot of bother to go through to have sex with someone you're only interested in physically but yeah, I've no doubt it happens.

You're right though....time will tell and it's all part of the fun. No point giving OP false hope if none of us know for sure...

LegacyUser

OP here!

Just to let everyone know, I think whatever 'spark of interest' that was there has faded. I let him get in contact and there have been some friendly txts but he has made no move to arrange another date- even though previously to the whole saga he did suggest to go out yesterday or today, but has not mentioned it since and had not used the same kind of affection in the txts. Instinctively, I feel like I should wait for him to make the effort to see me again and give him time to miss me so am not going to ask him (plus I did arrange the last date.)

I guess I'm just disappointed, disillusioned and slightly hurt. I know it was very early days, but I did really like him and thought he felt the same way. I'm not sure whether it was because I let him stay over that it has diminished, or that he wasn't really feeling it in the first place. Sometimes I really feel like it's better to just be alone and not get involved with anyone, at least you're guarding yourself from inevitable hurt that comes your way. So young (20's) and such a cynic!! I know you can't live life protecting yourself like that though.

Anyway thanks for the advice again, wish this had a happy ending for you guys to read. Sorry to bum you out! x

prinz

Pity. Would tell you not to worry that there are plenty more where he came from but you don't want to hear that now. Chin up. Don't bother chasing him up, you did the right thing there. Best of luck, and go out and get yourself a better one

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here!

Just to let everyone know, I think whatever 'spark of interest' that was there has faded. I let him get in contact and there have been some friendly txts but he has made no move to arrange another date- even though previously to the whole saga he did suggest to go out yesterday or today, but has not mentioned it since and had not used the same kind of affection in the txts. Instinctively, I feel like I should wait for him to make the effort to see me again and give him time to miss me so am not going to ask him (plus I did arrange the last date.)

I guess I'm just disappointed, disillusioned and slightly hurt. I know it was very early days, but I did really like him and thought he felt the same way. I'm not sure whether it was because I let him stay over that it has diminished, or that he wasn't really feeling it in the first place. Sometimes I really feel like it's better to just be alone and not get involved with anyone, at least you're guarding yourself from inevitable hurt that comes your way. So young (20's) and such a cynic!! I know you can't live life protecting yourself like that though.

Anyway thanks for the advice again, wish this had a happy ending for you guys to read. Sorry to bum you out! x

hey there, really sorry to hear this. to put a positive spin on it, at least you haven't gotten yourself even more attached. better in the long run and all that
<<<<<<hug>>>>>>>>

Eve_Dublin

Ah OP, don't be so cynical! He was one guy out of many. I know it's no consolation but you can't let these things get to you. This has happened to all of us or if it hasn't happened yet, it will but it's just another lesson learned (which is not always blatantly obvious but perhaps the guy WAS only out for one thing and in the end, wasn't worth your time...better now than later when more emotions are involved).

You have to psychologically pick yourself off the ground, go for a big long walk, meet up with friends, enjoy a bit of time alone, do things you like doing and without sounding like an utter hippy, realise that the only person that will make you happy is you. Don't look for it externally and don't presume that because this guy lost interest (which you're not 100% sure about...you're expecting an awful lot after only 2 weeks OP...get some perspective here! You've no idea what's going on in that fella's head), that every other guy will. If you expect bad things to happen and you don't have a bit more faith in yourself, these things WILL happen to you. If you've no faith in yourself, no one else will.

Try and have a bit more belief in yourself and your worth as a person OP so you can take these kinds of knocks on the chin

Liam Byrne

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here!
I guess I'm just disappointed, disillusioned and slightly hurt. I know it was very early days, but I did really like him and thought he felt the same way. I'm not sure whether it was because I let him stay over that it has diminished, or that he wasn't really feeling it in the first place. Sometimes I really feel like it's better to just be alone and not get involved with anyone, at least you're guarding yourself from inevitable hurt that comes your way.

If it's any consolation, OP, even us guys are on the receiving end occasionally.

But nothing ventured, nothing gained......so don't let one time-waster ruin the chance of meeting someone worthwhile.

Oh, and for the record, sex isn't the "trump card" - honesty, trust and respect are.

G86

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Oh, and for the record, sex isn't the "trump card" - honesty, trust and respect are.

+1
Couldn't have said it better.

You did the right thing OP, if he wanted to call he would have, don't waste your time on it. Chin up