'Sweet Madness'

Killer_banana

Hey I'm seventeen and I'm working on a YA novel at the moment. I know this mightn't be a genre some of you usually read but I just need some impartial opinions so if you could give it this a quick read and some constructive criticism that would be really helpful. And be as honest as possible, I won't be offended. I just need to know if it's any good, needs a serious rewrite is just plain crap. I've started to waffle and repeat myself so without further ado he's an extract from the first chapter.

Chapter One

Belle was woken by a loud bang. She groaned. Please no. Not tonight. She listened but there was silence now. It was a false alarm. She rolled onto her side and was just closing her eyes when there was another bang, louder this time; slurred cursing and stumbling steps coming up the stairs.
‘For ****'s sake.’ She was going to wake the neighbours if she wasn’t careful. She threw back the covers and ran across the room to the door. She reached for the handle just as it turned from the other side and Adrienne fell into the room, just about steadying herself so as not to end up flat on the wooden floor. The stench of alcohol was unavoidable but it wasn't needed to tell she was drunk. She was always ****ing drunk. She collapsed onto the bed and was closing her eyes but Belle wasn’t going to let her get away with it that easily.
‘Get up!’ No response. ‘Get up and change, you smell disgusting!’ She didn’t expect it to work, it never did, so she was surprised when Adrienne sat up almost immediately, eyes still closed, swaying softly. Belle opened her mouth to tell her sister that she couldn’t just sit there but she shut it again as she began to whimper.
‘His face is gone,’ she croaked. ‘We never had a chance to know him, to remember him, to do anything with him. And now his face, his face is gone.’ Belle noticed for the first time her sister’s face was tear stained. She sighed. She couldn’t shout now, even if it was the right thing to do she couldn’t bring herself to.
‘You’re drunk. It’s harder to remember things when you’re drunk.’
‘It’s gone! It’s completely gone.’ Her voice was gaining in pitch.
‘If you just go to sleep-’
‘It’s not there! I can’t remember anything about it at all’ she was becoming hysterical.
‘We have photographs.’ Belle was clutching at straws now. She needed to quieten her. ‘In the morning we’ll look through them all and then you’ll remember again. Every single detail.’
‘But it’s not the same!’ She was screaming now; there was no stopping her. ‘I don’t want to have to look at a photo to remember my own father’s face. I want to know how it looks from memory, a memory that has no chance to fade. I want to see him every day and every night and take in every feature of it so it will never disappear, so I’ll have it forever. I want him.’ The last words came as a whisper like her voice had ran out. ‘I want a dad.’
Her tears were running down her face in cascades now and she shook with the force of her sobs. Belle was at a loss of what to do. She had never seen her sister like this, even when she had been drinking, and she could barely hold back her own tears now. She was still hovering, unsure of her options, several minutes later when Angela came in.
‘What’s wrong, what’s happening?!’ She sounded calm and enquiring but her face was alarmed. Her eyes were a mix of concern, confusion and sleep.
‘Go back to bed,’ Belle said hurriedly. ‘She’s just a bit drunk, she just needs slee-’
‘I want Dad! I want Dad!’ It was like she was five again and they were in the horrible waiting room once more. He hadn’t been coming that time and he wasn’t coming now either. She was rocking back and forth, hugging herself. There was no way to disguise this as okay.
Her mother was by her side in a shot. She wrapped her daughter up in her arms and patted her back soothingly. ‘I know you miss him, we all do, but there’s no way to bring him back. We need to remember that.’
Belle felt sick as he watched her mother cradle her sister like a baby. She shouldn’t have to do this, she was nineteen years old; she should ****ing act it. She felt her pity be replaced by anger and her hands clenched into fists. She left the room before she started yelling again.

Killer_banana

Yes I'm bumping it but only cos I really need some motivation right now.

PurpleBee

I liked the depiction of anger melting to pity and suddenly flushing once more to anger. The idea of it at least, though the writing needs to tell less and show more in my opinion.

weiming

How about some "objective" criticism instead? (if such a thing exists)

Tell less, show more!
Tell less, show more!

This is certainly solid writing, but I couldn't have said it better. Killer_B, I suggest you make it your mantra. As it is, this kind of reads like a highly detailed stage script. Too much of it is told through dialogue (external or internal).

Keep at it through.

pickarooney

weiming wrote: »

Tell less, show more!
Tell less, show more!

This phrase is lost on me. What does it mean exactly?

weiming

Hey don't quote me, purbleBee wrote it first. It's supposed to mean that rather than simply stating something in writing like:

"It was cold"

The same end is achieved (probably more effectively) by some rhetorical method i.e., metaphor, idiom, etc. like:

"His nose was red and blistered from the cold" or

"Her breath curled up in front of her face and was swept away by the chilly breeze"

In effect showing the result or effect of a condition/emotion, rather than directly stating it in narration or dialogue.

At least that's what I meant, I can't speak for purbleBee

pickarooney

weiming wrote: »

"Her breath curled up in front of her face and was swept away by the chilly breeze"

That's telling two things in order to show one. Is that not a little counterproductive?

iguana

Not bad OP, definitely worth keeping at it.

Killer_banana

Thanks guys. I think I get what you mean. I'll keep it in mind. I think I need to do some editing before moving on. My goal was ten chapters and then editing but meh....

I'll post the rewritten chapter when I'm done.

Actually could ye give some examples of lines that tell rather than show cos I'm finding this rather hard to do.

weiming

The red text below are all examples of "telling", that is, supplying information about things that may not be immediately observable (mainly emotions) directly to the reader by way of narration. The hallmark of these sentences is that they all use a simple "to be" verb structure, rather than actions, or sentences with verbs of doing.

...Adrienne fell into the room, just about steadying herself so as not to end up flat on the wooden floor. The stench of alcohol was unavoidable but it wasn't needed to tell she was drunk... [this piece of information is unnecessary, the reader is fully aware at this point]

...‘Get up!’ No response. ‘Get up and change, you smell disgusting!’ She didn’t expect it to work [she said halfheartedly], it never did, so she was surprised [her eyes widened] when Adrienne sat up almost immediately...

...She sighed. She couldn’t shout now, even if it was the right thing to do she couldn’t bring herself to...[she fought to keep her voice even]

‘We have photographs.’[Mom can tell you about him...you know..." Belle trailed off uncertainly] ...Belle was clutching at straws now...

...‘But it’s not the same!’ She was screaming now; there was no stopping her... [Belle waved her hands frantically, pointing to their mother's room, but Adrienne ignored her]

...Belle was at a loss of [for] what to do...[Belle wrung her hands, looking about the room for some clue as to what to do next] She had never seen her sister like this, even when she had been drinking, and ...she could barely hold back her own tears now. [She scrubbed at tears that seemed intent on forming in the corners of her eyes]She was still hovering, unsure of her options [She opened her mouth to say something encouraging, but closed it again], several minutes later when Angela came in.
‘What’s wrong, what’s happening?!’ She sounded calm and enquiring but her face was alarmed. Her eyes were a mix of concern, confusion and sleep[She brought her voice under control, but her knitted brows above half-closed eyes that looked searchingly from one face to the other could not disguise her weariness confusion and concern/ but her brows remained closely knit, above heavily lidded eyes that looked searchingly from one face to the other].

...She was rocking back and forth, hugging herself. There was no way to disguise this as okay... [Belle started to wave their mother away, but decided against it]

...Her mother was by her side in a shot... [rushed to her side]

...She felt her pity be replaced by anger... and her hands clenched into fists.COLOR=RoyalBlue]the softness in her eyes vanished[/COLOR], she [COLOR=RoyalBlue]clenched her fists[/COLOR] and [COLOR=RoyalBlue]stormed out of the room[/COLOR

If the inserted verbs of doing do not convey the exact same meaning as the red text, that's only because I'm a bad writer, but if you examine good books you've read, you will see that nuances of action and detail in everything help to create a mood and describe what is going on emotionally in the story, whether it is revealed in the setting, in dialogue, in specific actions, or in the way the characters perceive the world around them. Compare:

She was angry and sad

She cried bitterly, fists quivering as she clutched her skirt.

Note again, the first is a "to be" sentence, we receive this information second-hand from the narrator. In the second "to do" sentence, we observe the character's actions directly and draw (hopefully) the conclusion that she is angry and sad.

I hope the difference between "telling" and "showing" (as I have described it) in writing is more clear now.

pickarooney

I hope the difference between "telling" and "showing" (as I have described it) in writing is more clear now.

Well, it certainly is for me! I can understand how in general it does 'read' better when less direct language is used, although I think there are instances where it's fine, e.g. "Her mother was by her side in a shot."

PurpleBee

weiming wrote: »

The red text below are all examples of "telling", that is, supplying information about things that may not be immediately observable (mainly emotions) directly to the reader by way of narration. The hallmark of these sentences is that they all use a simple "to be" verb structure, rather than actions, or sentences with verbs of doing.

...Adrienne fell into the room, just about steadying herself so as not to end up flat on the wooden floor. The stench of alcohol was unavoidable but it wasn't needed to tell she was drunk... [this piece of information is unnecessary, the reader is fully aware at this point]

...‘Get up!’ No response. ‘Get up and change, you smell disgusting!’ She didn’t expect it to work [she said halfheartedly], it never did, so she was surprised [her eyes widened] when Adrienne sat up almost immediately...

...She sighed. She couldn’t shout now, even if it was the right thing to do she couldn’t bring herself to...[she fought to keep her voice even]

‘We have photographs.’[Mom can tell you about him...you know..." Belle trailed off uncertainly] ...Belle was clutching at straws now...

...‘But it’s not the same!’ She was screaming now; there was no stopping her... [Belle waved her hands frantically, pointing to their mother's room, but Adrienne ignored her]

...Belle was at a loss of [for] what to do...[Belle wrung her hands, looking about the room for some clue as to what to do next] She had never seen her sister like this, even when she had been drinking, and ...she could barely hold back her own tears now. [She scrubbed at tears that seemed intent on forming in the corners of her eyes]She was still hovering, unsure of her options [She opened her mouth to say something encouraging, but closed it again], several minutes later when Angela came in.
‘What’s wrong, what’s happening?!’ She sounded calm and enquiring but her face was alarmed. Her eyes were a mix of concern, confusion and sleep[She brought her voice under control, but her knitted brows above half-closed eyes that looked searchingly from one face to the other could not disguise her weariness confusion and concern/ but her brows remained closely knit, above heavily lidded eyes that looked searchingly from one face to the other].

...She was rocking back and forth, hugging herself. There was no way to disguise this as okay... [Belle started to wave their mother away, but decided against it]

...Her mother was by her side in a shot... [rushed to her side]

...She felt her pity be replaced by anger... and her hands clenched into fists.COLOR=royalblue]the softness in her eyes vanished[/COLOR], she [COLOR=royalblue]clenched her fists[/COLOR] and [COLOR=royalblue]stormed out of the room[/COLOR

If the inserted verbs of doing do not convey the exact same meaning as the red text, that's only because I'm a bad writer, but if you examine good books you've read, you will see that nuances of action and detail in everything help to create a mood and describe what is going on emotionally in the story, whether it is revealed in the setting, in dialogue, in specific actions, or in the way the characters perceive the world around them. Compare:

She was angry and sad

She cried bitterly, fists quivering as she clutched her skirt.

Note again, the first is a "to be" sentence, we receive this information second-hand from the narrator. In the second "to do" sentence, we observe the character's actions directly and draw (hopefully) the conclusion that she is angry and sad.

I hope the difference between "telling" and "showing" (as I have described it) in writing is more clear now.

Exactly, I suppose it's more of a style issue. Like those Concern ads full of starving children, as opposed to telling us they are starving. It's a much more effective way of engaging with the audience.

Killer_banana

weiming wrote: »

The red text below are all examples of "telling", that is, supplying information about things that may not be immediately observable (mainly emotions) directly to the reader by way of narration. The hallmark of these sentences is that they all use a simple "to be" verb structure, rather than actions, or sentences with verbs of doing.

...Adrienne fell into the room, just about steadying herself so as not to end up flat on the wooden floor. The stench of alcohol was unavoidable but it wasn't needed to tell she was drunk... [this piece of information is unnecessary, the reader is fully aware at this point]

...‘Get up!’ No response. ‘Get up and change, you smell disgusting!’ She didn’t expect it to work [she said halfheartedly], it never did, so she was surprised [her eyes widened] when Adrienne sat up almost immediately...

...She sighed. She couldn’t shout now, even if it was the right thing to do she couldn’t bring herself to...[she fought to keep her voice even]

‘We have photographs.’[Mom can tell you about him...you know..." Belle trailed off uncertainly] ...Belle was clutching at straws now...

...‘But it’s not the same!’ She was screaming now; there was no stopping her... [Belle waved her hands frantically, pointing to their mother's room, but Adrienne ignored her]

...Belle was at a loss of [for] what to do...[Belle wrung her hands, looking about the room for some clue as to what to do next] She had never seen her sister like this, even when she had been drinking, and ...she could barely hold back her own tears now. [She scrubbed at tears that seemed intent on forming in the corners of her eyes]She was still hovering, unsure of her options [She opened her mouth to say something encouraging, but closed it again], several minutes later when Angela came in.
‘What’s wrong, what’s happening?!’ She sounded calm and enquiring but her face was alarmed. Her eyes were a mix of concern, confusion and sleep[She brought her voice under control, but her knitted brows above half-closed eyes that looked searchingly from one face to the other could not disguise her weariness confusion and concern/ but her brows remained closely knit, above heavily lidded eyes that looked searchingly from one face to the other].

...She was rocking back and forth, hugging herself. There was no way to disguise this as okay... [Belle started to wave their mother away, but decided against it]

...Her mother was by her side in a shot... [rushed to her side]

...She felt her pity be replaced by anger... and her hands clenched into fists.COLOR=RoyalBlue]the softness in her eyes vanished[/COLOR], she [COLOR=RoyalBlue]clenched her fists[/COLOR] and [COLOR=RoyalBlue]stormed out of the room[/COLOR

If the inserted verbs of doing do not convey the exact same meaning as the red text, that's only because I'm a bad writer, but if you examine good books you've read, you will see that nuances of action and detail in everything help to create a mood and describe what is going on emotionally in the story, whether it is revealed in the setting, in dialogue, in specific actions, or in the way the characters perceive the world around them. Compare:

She was angry and sad

She cried bitterly, fists quivering as she clutched her skirt.

Note again, the first is a "to be" sentence, we receive this information second-hand from the narrator. In the second "to do" sentence, we observe the character's actions directly and draw (hopefully) the conclusion that she is angry and sad.

I hope the difference between "telling" and "showing" (as I have described it) in writing is more clear now.

Thanks. That helped a lot. I could pick out some of the sentences that needed changing but you highlighted a lot I would have missed.

weiming

pickarooney: I agree with you

PurpleBee: Ｉ　agree that it IS a matter of style, and not necessarily a rule of writing. I guess the beauty of writing is that there are so many different ways to do it, all of which are successful and good.

Killer_banana: I was so busy pointing out this technical aspect of your writing that I　failed to mention that I the scene that you posted here is quite real-to-life, and that the emotions and feelings you have written about seemed well explored as well.

You can play around with this different style if you like, or not, but I hope you keep writing. You mentioned this is part of a novel you're working on, and I'd sure like to read how it turns out.

Killer_banana

weiming wrote: »

pickarooney: I agree with you

PurpleBee: Ｉ　agree that it IS a matter of style, and not necessarily a rule of writing. I guess the beauty of writing is that there are so many different ways to do it, all of which are successful and good.

Killer_banana: I was so busy pointing out this technical aspect of your writing that I　failed to mention that I the scene that you posted here is quite real-to-life, and that the emotions and feelings you have written about seemed well explored as well.

You can play around with this different style if you like, or not, but I hope you keep writing. You mentioned this is part of a novel you're working on, and I'd sure like to read how it turns out.

Thank you. I have about six chapters in total although they need a lot of work. I might post some where when I've re-written cos they're terrbile at the moment.

Killer_banana

Just remembered I was meant to post the rewritten version of chapter one. I've rewritten most of the other chapters and am a lot happier with them although there are still some parts I'm unsure of so might post hem later. Also are any of ye interested in giving me feedback regurlarly? I have a few friends who read this and although I trust them to be honest I would like a impartial reader. Anyway enough waffling. This is chapter one extract version 2:

Chapter One

Belle was woken by a loud bang. She groaned. Please no. Not tonight. She listened but there was silence now. It was a false alarm. She rolled onto her side and was just closing her eyes when there was another bang, louder this time; slurred cursing and stumbling steps coming up the stairs.
‘For ****'s sake.’ She was going to wake the neighbours if she wasn’t careful. She threw back the covers and ran across the room to the door. She reached for the handle just as it turned from the other side and Adrienne fell into the room, just about steadying herself so as not to end up flat on the wooden floor. The stench of alcohol was unavoidable but it wasn't needed to tell she was drunk. She was always ****ing drunk. She collapsed onto the bed and was closing her eyes but Belle wasn’t going to let her get away with it that easily.
‘Get up!’ No response. ‘Get up and change, you smell disgusting!’ she said half-heartedly. She was surprised when Adrienne sat up almost immediately, eyes still closed, swaying softly. Belle opened her mouth to tell her sister that she couldn’t just sit there but the words died in her throat as she began to whimper.
‘His face is gone,’ she croaked. ‘We never had a chance to know him, to remember him, to do anything with him. And now his face, his face is gone.’ Belle noticed for the first time her sister’s face was tear stained. She sighed. She couldn’t shout now, even if it was the right thing to do she couldn’t bring herself to.
‘You’re drunk. It’s harder to remember things when you’re drunk.’
‘It’s gone! It’s completely gone.’ Her voice was gaining in pitch.
‘If you just go to sleep-’
‘It’s not there! I can’t remember anything about it at all’ she shrieked hysterically.
‘We have photographs.’ Belle was clutching at straws now. She needed to quieten her. ‘In the morning we’ll look through them all and then you’ll remember again. Every single detail.’
‘But it’s not the same!’ She was screaming now; there was no stopping her. ‘I don’t want to have to look at a photo to remember my own father’s face. I want to know how it looks from memory, a memory that has no chance to fade. I want to see him every day and every night and take in every feature of it so it will never disappear, so I’ll have it forever. I want him.’ The last words came as a whisper like her voice had ran out. ‘I want a dad.’
Her tears were running down her face in cascades now and she shook with the force of her sobs. Belle stood stock still her heart and mind racing. She had never seen her sister like this, even when she had been drinking. She tried to ignore the tears pricking at the back of her eyelids as she searched for a solution. She was still hovering, unsure of her options, several minutes later when Angela came in.
‘What’s wrong, what’s happening?!’ She sounded calm and enquiring but her wild eyes and furrowed brow showed she wasn’t as in control as she was trying to sound.
‘Go back to bed,’ Belle said hurriedly. ‘She’s just a bit drunk, she just needs slee-’
‘I want Dad! I want Dad!’ It was like she was five again and they were in the horrible waiting room once more. He could hear her calls back then and he couldn’t hear them now either. She was rocking back and forth, hugging herself. There was no way to disguise this as okay.
Her mother was by her side in a shot. She wrapped her daughter up in her arms and patted her back soothingly. ‘I know you miss him, we all do, but there’s no way to bring him back. We need to remember that.’
Belle felt sick as he watched her mother cradle her sister like a baby. She shouldn’t have to do this, she was nineteen years old; she should ****ing act it. She felt her pity ebb away as her fists clenched by her sides. She marched out of the room before she could complicate the situation further.