Permission requested

LegacyUser

Ok, I'm not quite sure where to start when it comes to this so I'll just say it. I feel like I need permission from my partner to do anything. I know its largely myself to blame having gone through 5 years not really saying anything. Just letting them have their way and in an argument just sitting there and apologising, even if I'm not quite sure I'm really in the wrong. My problem may have been the fact that I am just an easy-going and relaxed person.

I was never a social person, a bit in college but I tended to hang around with people when I had to and then when they moved on, so did I but now its like I'm getting stir crazy. I've gone out and met some people but my partner really doesn't like them. Its not as if I'm leaving her on her own at home while I'm heading off and having a great time, she has more friends than I've ever really had. I don't know how to bring it up with her and talk to her about it without her getting either really annoyed or really sensitive thinking I'm going off her. I know for relationships to work there has to be compromising and communication but is it fair for me not to see people purely because she doesn't like them? She has never once come right out and said I can't but its the whole guilt trip element that gets laid one me. I just want to get some sort of a life outside of my relationship, is that so wrong? If anyone can help me out with this or give me some feedback, I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks and sorry for the long post.

Trixielicious

You are entitled you be friends with whoever you like. Your gf doesn't have to like them but unless they are causing you harm there is nothing she can do about it. I would ask her straight out does she not like them, she may be feeling insecure or jealous but honesty is the best policy. She's wrong to lay a guilt trip on you just because you spend some time with your friends. Explain to her that you need your friends just like she needs hers and that you have no problem with her spending time with her friends and you would appreciate it if she would do the same for you.

Has she met these friends?

shellyboo

She's definitely in the wrong, but you had your part to play in creating the situation, as you've acknowledged.

I've been in a similar situation before and ended up not liking myself very much at all... so I ended it with the guy, and it was the best thing for both of us. We'd also been going out five years.

The problem is, now you've created the dynamic, it's very very hard to change that and break out of your roles - it involved re-establishing the very foundations of the relationship, and to be honest I'm not sure that's even possible with someone so long-term.

However, if you want to try - it's definitely not fair of her to "ban" you from seeing people she just doesn't like. You need to point out her behaviour to her, and explain to her gently that it's unfair. Then *tell* her you'll be going out more, doing a few more things alone, as you feel it's essential to saving the relationship. See how she takes it and start from there.

prinz

submissive wrote: »

I just want to get some sort of a life outside of my relationship, is that so wrong?

Absolutely not. In fact it's fairly crucial to a happy relationship in my book.


That however does not mean your OH has to like your friends or encourage you pursuing a friendship that she may see as being detrimental to you or your relationship. Often times we don't see the faults in some friends, and an outside perspective is often helpful so it would be an idea to talk this out and determine why exactly she doesn't like them. She may have perfectly valid reasons.

But yeah feeling like you need permission and that - not good. Definitely need a life outside of your OH though, for sanity reasons if nothing else.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here again.

She has met them and hates them all, Trixielicious, I have asked why and got no real reason except for her not liking them.

She seems to take it as a personal affront if I'm going out without her, i.e. that I don't want to spend time with her. But we've been living together for 4 of the years we've been together so I do see her. Its hard with us both working but we have 6 evenings out of 7 together.

I think trust is definitely an issue but after 5 years shouldn't the trust already be established?

Shellyboo, I tried to tell her that I was going out but I ended up with first a guilt trip and then a curfew. I took what I was given on this occasion and was home well within my 'designated time frame'. I'm a 26 year old with a curfew!

This is my first long term relationship so I'm still trying to figure out how we both should be feeling. We are planning on getting married next year but, as stupid as it sounds, I'm worried about my side of the church being empty!

prinz

submissive wrote: »

Shellyboo, I tried to tell her that I was going out but I ended up with first a guilt trip and then a curfew. I took what I was given on this occasion and was home well within my 'designated time frame'. I'm a 26 year old with a curfew!

You need to put your foot down and put a stop to that. She sounds like she has some serious issues, something that should be worked out before you marry her.

ManOfMystery

OP, if you think things are bad now, they will only get worse when married. Sort the issue out now entirely or don't contemplate moving any farther towards marriage as it won't make you happy.

I went out with someone very similar for 5 years who would try and dictate what I did and who with. I'm not submissive in any aspect so I invariably told her where to go on most occasions, and it would end up in an argument. She could never see anything wrong with her 'calling the shots' and I rarely got an apology. Any attempt to talk or communicate about it was met with a stone wall, or else she was too sensitive to talk about it, etc etc.

Finally I had enough and we split up. I'm glad we did as it would never have worked. Luckily, I kept my network of friends and family through that time and am still close to them. I suggest you take this issue very seriously and if she isn't willing to sort it out, then make some changes - don't give up time with your friends and family as you'll end up losing them and be left with someone who wants to lock you in an isolated relationship with them - and that's a situation that will NOT work in the long run.

shellyboo

submissive wrote: »

Its hard with us both working but we have 6 evenings out of 7 together.

What are you doing with those evenings, first of all? Sitting in watching telly, or doing housework, or her reading and you on the PC... none of that counts as spending proper time together. Are you still socialising with her? Taking her out? Doing datey things together? All these will help her feel more secure.

submissive wrote: »

Shellyboo, I tried to tell her that I was going out but I ended up with first a guilt trip and then a curfew. I took what I was given on this occasion and was home well within my 'designated time frame'. I'm a 26 year old with a curfew!

You should have ignored her, tbh. I say have the talk again, and try again to go out. Deal with the tantrum. She might threaten to dump you - let her. She's just trying to exercise her control.

It sounds *awful*, like she's a toddler, but don't reward bad behaviour. Her putting a curfew on you is not only not on, it's COMPLETLEY MENTAL. Like, proper crazy bunny boiler stuff. If she tries it again, tries to guilt trip you, whatever... remain calm and do your thing. If and when she comes around to letting you have a bit more freedom... then reward that positive behaviour. Thank her for being a good gf. Bring her home flowers on occasion after you go out. That sort of stuff.

submissive wrote: »

This is my first long term relationship so I'm still trying to figure out how we both should be feeling. We are planning on getting married next year but, as stupid as it sounds, I'm worried about my side of the church being empty!

You are nowhere near ready to marry this girl. You *have* to get this sorted first. Are you prepared to live like this for the rest of your life? Becaause if you marry her while this is still going on, that signals your acceptance of the way things are.

Things aren't magically going to change, you have to make them change. And for god's sake don't marry her until you do.

kmick

A curfew and your not even married. Thats impressive on her part. I hate to say it but this is going to get worse before it gets better. This is not good advice so dont follow it but what I usually do is that I go out and do something so bad that all the other usual stuff seems to pale in comparison.

If it were me next Friday I would text my OH that I am going out. Then I would purposely "lose" my phone and hit the pub after work and not come home until Saturday lunchtime. I would then be "unable to see what I did wrong".

As I say not good advice so dont follow it but it would allow you to reclaim your balls. The most likely result is that you will be in a world of pain for a month or more. Maybe years in your case

Oh The Humanity

Curfew? And you accepted it? :rolleyes:

You should have laughed in her face and told her to get the boat!!!

Never let anyone control or domineer you.

Do as you want, you are a grown adult and you dont ask permission for anything.

There is a complete difference between negotiating things and one person dictating what another does.

You have created this situation by allowing someone else to tell you what you can and can't do.

Thats wrong.

YOU decide what YOU do.

Wibbs

You're getting good advice here IMHO. It's nada to do with trust. It's all to do with control. If she is as you describe, it will be a lousy marriage IMHO. Plus everytime you give in to her you she will think less and less of you. The joke is she's the one more likely to cop off with someone else. Now I've only known three couples in my life like this and in each case the controller went off with another, either for good or for an affair.

Stand up for yourself. Have boundaries. If she doesn't like that, well tough. Sooner or later the worm will turn and you'll react, either by establishing your rightful boundaries or by leaving. Better to do that today and not years down the line married with kids. You probably have shared financial commitments after this time. Try not to think too much of them as they can be sorted. A lousy isolated life can't be. I've seen the results of that in my own extended family. Not good.