Tuesday quickies

Homer

I'm so skint at the moment that all I can afford to eat are herbs my mate has lent me.

I'm living on borrowed thyme.

---

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered
'Is that one word or two?'

---

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought...
that's Abboriginal.

---

A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move"

Rufus.T.Firefly

Excellent....have some Stars

dh0661

LOL there Homer - have some stars

Stargate

Homer wrote: »

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered
'Is that one word or two?'

hahahaha

Mialin

was anyone else dissapointed by this? not by the jokes they were so bad they were hilarious. however i was dissapointed when the title had me expecting something totally different

jakestevens

Strict Dress Code!!!
Two lads from Dublin (dressed in snickers gear!) making a delivery to a Dunnes Stores in Cork . The manager stops them at the back door and tells them they cant come inside without a hi-vis vest on.
"No problem" says the older fella, "Can we just borrow two from the store while we drop the stock off?"
"Ah no" says the manager "that's only one issue. I cant let yis in dressed like that lads, it's slacks and black shoes only."
With that the younger fella comes out with a classic: "Jaysus, we're not trying to get into a f**king nightclub!"

TanG411

You know Caster Semenya, the 800m runner being accused of gender changing?

the anagram of her name is ''yes, a secret man''

Crazy!

ciaburkie

:P