Can't get rid of this chip in my shoulder

LegacyUser

For as long as I can remember I've had a chip in my shoulder when it comes to other people and money.

I grew up in a household with one functioning alcoholic parent and now the other is disabled. Money was always tight. Now I never went hungry and I didn't live in poverty but all I can remember from growing up is having less than everyone around me.

I live in an affluent area. My parents bought the house almost 25 years ago for a tiny price and since then the area became very wealthy whereas we didn't. I remember putting on damp clothes every morning going to school because my room was so cold (we have no heating). When I went to secondary school, only one shop sold the right coloured knee socks and my Mum could only afford two pairs. So I handwashed a pair every night and left hoping they'd be dry by the morning.

When I started college, I met a huge number of people who'd gone to expensive private secondary schools. They spent the kind of money on their education I could only dream about. People are always taking about holidays, heading off to Australia and America for months on end. I remember one close friend commenting on how she had become a bit of a "car snob" because they first car her parents bought her was a new mini. I'm not saying I want this kind of thing. I can't drive and I'm a bit of a home bird so travelling's never appealed to me that much. I just can't help but grit my teeth and get angry when I hear people talking about buying new €80 handbags and not thinking of spending less than €100 on shoes. I almost want to hit them and tell them how lucky they are. I feel like such a damn odd ball when I live in a house that didn't have hot water for 9 months when the thermostat broke.

I might be making myself sound a little self pitying here but I'm really not. I'm know fantastically lucky to be able to go to college and my parents help me out as much as they can. Apart from blowing so much money on booze they really did the best they could by me, but it just drives me mad seeing people with so much and they don't even seem to realise it. Part of me wonders where I'd be if I was born into a family with money. I just want to stop burning up with jealousy when people start to talk about what they have or where they're going.

Oh The Humanity

Ehm, stop comparing yourself to other people!

Who cares what they have!

To the outside eye it all looks dandy and maybe it is but so what. Everyone was dealt a different hand, what can you do!

Maybe people brought up with less than you look at you and think you have it good!

Comparisons really are a waste of time, all they will do is make you bitter.....thats a waste of a life!

ManOfMystery

You simply place a different value on money than other people.

You think it's crazy blowing £100 on 'just' a handbag. They may think it's crazy not to as you can't take money with you when you die. Everyone has a different attitude to it and no-one is really right or wrong, so long as they live within their means.

Just try not to let it annoy you. As long as you manage YOUR money correctly, everyone else is free to do what they want.

VaioCruiser

OP ..

There has always been and there always will be people with more money that you - no matter how much or how little you have. Equally people with less.

Money buys NO happiness, NO health.

You need to let this whole thing go before you waste your ONE life in this pointless and worthless craze instead of living your life for YOU.

Life is the way it is. Let it be. Be yourself. Live life. Stop being so concerned about other people !

All the best.

RossFixxxed

Who gives a damn what people do with their own money? Look the anger has to be coming from SOMEWHERE.... Sure things were crappy money wise for you, but was it happy or horrible? Are you jealous of others?

I enjoy spending money on something stupid the odd time (dvd, xbox game, book or whatever) or the odd mad expensive meal as a treat, but I appreciate these things and I work to get them.

I see people wealthy beyond any logic every day and fair play to them. I hope to get there someday myself. But i'm gonna enjoy things I have now...

SarahMc

Scatch the surface and most people have their own story. Sure in comparison to many people of your age you had it tough, but hardship breeds character. You can either use your experiences to have fire in your belly, or to be venemous and jealous to those you percieve had a better childhood than you.

You are an adult now, and you pave your own path.

LegacyUser

A guy I know drives a big car, owns a few houses and property...

He got given a lot by his folks.

He's an eejit. And, he measures himself by his little empire. Money certainly hasn't made him intelligient. It also hasn't made him happy. Because even though he uses his status / money as a way to pull women, he also is paranoid about gold diggers who will try to get it from him.

I don't envy anyone really apart from those in happy relationships. I have some very wealthy friends they put the hours in to earn what they have.

You seem to have your head screwed on. Remember this about those who "need" that shiny new car and the bags and the clothes and so they have to work hard to get them so they tie themselves into a world of work to keep up with the Jones'. You on the other hand will be able to get by.

Also remember, when someone buys a new car, they've taken a loan out to do so. There are also many people living on their credit cards month to month.

There will always be people richer than us and people poorer than us.... we just have to accept that.

castle

Look I can understand your feelings and this is why this site is here,you need to get closure of some sort and you and you alone can only make this closure happen.
The old saying is you don't know how lucky you are until it's gone comes to mind,if those people you talk about suddenly had no money then you think they would appreciate what they once had had.
Take the person who moans about having to walk to work everyday maybe if they had no legs for a week then they would appreciate their legs more and not worry so much about the walk to work.
How many times do children moan about their dinner maybe send them to Africa for a week then they would come back and be happy with the dinner they have.
These are all similar to what you say,
Like the person who breaks an arm in an accident people always say it could have be worst.
If all that makes no sense then if you put a second chip on your other shoulder then you would be a very balanced person.
Look in the mirror and love the person looking back at you and don't think about could of been's etc,live for the future for no one can do anything about the past as far as I'm aware.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I understand where you are coming from, I had a similar experience to you growing up, and when we were young- kids always- want- want- want and compare what each other has. I felt very inadequate for a long time, my childhood was steaped in poverty and also very abusive sexually and physically so i had to do a lot of work on myself to heal and see a positive side of life.

What i now know is that what i have experienced in life has taught me humbleness, it has taught me reality, it has taught me that if i ever have children myself i have a lifetime of wisdom to pull from, it taught me to appreciate myself and how brave i was to cope with what i went through, it taught me to help others and to give back to people who needed compassion in life.


You are the same, your parents and your experience have humbled you and you know the real side of life, it may sound strange but you are in a better situation than another person who only knows how to appear good, and flash the cash, to me this is a shallow existence.

I had a friend in school who's parents were millionaires she had everything she wished for, i evenied her so much as a kid but when we grew up she envied me, I asked her why do you envy me i have nothing, no family no money im struggling to cope, she said to me you are so strong and have so much confidence in expressing yourself which she noticed i got respect over from guys and friends, I never saw this in myself but i then realized i had gifts too!


So from the book 'the secret' by rhonda byrne it taught me that "nothing new can come into your life unless you are grateful for what you already have", every day i try and write out all the gifts i have and every day my life gets better and better.

muboop1

Unregistered wrote: »

For as long as I can remember I've had a chip in my shoulder when it comes to other people and money.

I grew up in a household with one functioning alcoholic parent and now the other is disabled. Money was always tight. Now I never went hungry and I didn't live in poverty but all I can remember from growing up is having less than everyone around me.

I live in an affluent area. My parents bought the house almost 25 years ago for a tiny price and since then the area became very wealthy whereas we didn't. I remember putting on damp clothes every morning going to school because my room was so cold (we have no heating). When I went to secondary school, only one shop sold the right coloured knee socks and my Mum could only afford two pairs. So I handwashed a pair every night and left hoping they'd be dry by the morning.

When I started college, I met a huge number of people who'd gone to expensive private secondary schools. They spent the kind of money on their education I could only dream about. People are always taking about holidays, heading off to Australia and America for months on end. I remember one close friend commenting on how she had become a bit of a "car snob" because they first car her parents bought her was a new mini. I'm not saying I want this kind of thing. I can't drive and I'm a bit of a home bird so travelling's never appealed to me that much. I just can't help but grit my teeth and get angry when I hear people talking about buying new €80 handbags and not thinking of spending less than €100 on shoes. I almost want to hit them and tell them how lucky they are. I feel like such a damn odd ball when I live in a house that didn't have hot water for 9 months when the thermostat broke.

I might be making myself sound a little self pitying here but I'm really not. I'm know fantastically lucky to be able to go to college and my parents help me out as much as they can. Apart from blowing so much money on booze they really did the best they could by me, but it just drives me mad seeing people with so much and they don't even seem to realise it. Part of me wonders where I'd be if I was born into a family with money. I just want to stop burning up with jealousy when people start to talk about what they have or where they're going.

Ah op, you need to stop being resentful of the luck other have.

Sure others had it easier, but im sure your stronger for it, and actually value a days work and know the value of money. These people on handouts might not, everything has an up and a down.

You are far more lucky then some people i know.

But op, did you ever think that some of these perceived to be "rich" kids(not the mini girl obviously) might of worked for what they got?

I have very nice clothes, a car, been to Australia, America, heading Thailand next year...

I paid for pretty much all of it along the way!(bar my car which was cheap, and i pay insurance tax and petrol)

Granted my parents pay my registration fees for college. And maybe a bday present or whatever along the way. But all else is self funded.

I work my arse off, last year for the second semester i was pulling 3 jobs on top of doing third year in engineering.

I could sit there and be grumpy that i had to work for what others are handed out, but then where do i get? i get miserable and spent time sulking that i could of spent working for the money to have what they have.

And to be honest, i think i have a better idea of the world then them. And more appreciation for all i have etc...

My friend would all of gone to good schools and look posh or whatever... but honestly, very few of them get the type of hand outs you are talking of. The rest get something and work for extra etc others get nothing.

The world is going to be full of people who work less but earn more, are more successful so have better cars etc... in a more lucrative field... who knows!
You need to just accept this.
Money isn't everything.

kmick

There will always be people who have more money than you but there are a hell of a lot of people out there who have so much less. Its about time you decided like most people that jealousy is an emotion that you can do without.

itsadeathtrap

Jez lad you really need to stop looking at what other people have and start worrying about your own life.... these feelings will just keep eating away at you and you will become more resentful towards others... you'll loose friends and more if it is not handled and sorted now.....

Milk & Honey

O/p you have two problems. One is that you are living in the household of an alcoholic. This is going to give you problems in itself. Alcoholism causes ripple problems for everyone in it's wake.
The second problem is the difficulty about money and other people. I had the experience of growing up in a large family on a small income. Not pleasant. Watching other people living it up was horrible. There was no money for third level. Professional qualifications for myself and another brother were obtained by starting into full time work at 17 and getting work sponsorship for nigh courses. I don't feel too bad about it now but my brother has never got over his not having the university experience and of being the poor one at school.
I now have contact with a lot of wealthy people who were born with a platinum ( not a silver) spoon in their mouths. I made a resolution that I would not let it get to me. I decided that my experiences have equipped me for the rough and tumble of life to a greater degree than the allegedly privileged.
jealousy is highly corrosive. I know many who have succumbed.

LegacyUser

Of course you want cars , and holidays , of course you want to be able to drive , of course you want to feel whats it like to have the wind blowing through your hair as you cruise up the m50.

Who doesn't want these things and the brilliant freedom and quality of life they provide!

I would say ... decide what you want ... And make sure you work really hard to get it!

Monkey61

Hey Op,

I totally understand where you are coming from. I grew up in pretty impoverished circumstances too, but never really noticed as we lived down the country and nobody had money. It was shocking moving to college and suddenly being surrounded by a class load of very wealthy people living in penthouses whilst I was working full time.

I think the most difficult thing for me is to have it constantly hanging over my head that all of my friends have parents who own their own homes - the idea of that to me is like the ultimate in security, imagine inheriting a house...wow. But at least it has made me determined. I am going to buy a house one day and damn it I will appreciate it when I do. I frequently get annoyed at people because I have supported myself entirely with no parental help since I was 18, I don't know anyone else who has done that - but feck it, I think that is something to be proud of.

People never appreciate the money they have, and really you can't make them. But as others have said, those people are probably finding lots of other things in their lives to be miserable about.

To be honest though OP, it probably isn't really about the money for you anyway. I think you are just focusing on that because you are unhappy in your life. Money only gets me down when I am miserable and other things in my life aren't going well. That is when I become obsessive about it because it is then that I think it would solve all my problems. I know that people telling you to count your blessings and think of your health isn't very helpful, because everything is relative really.

What can you do? Well, work hard. Get a decent job. Make enough money to live happily and remember that it is only money. It is not what is making you unhappy. Look at all the other aspects of your life and figure out what else will make it better, because once you do that, the money thing will stop mattering so much.

Also, maybe don't hang out with such affluent people so much. It can be very draining and very difficult to keep up with.

Alessandra

I think people tend to compare themselves to others to an unhealthy degree in Ireland. The notion of "keeping up with the Jones'" springs to mind.
By many standards things were tough for you growing up, no doubt about it.
You need to look positively on your experiences. Fair enough things may have been tougher for you than others but there are always people worse off than you in the world. Take from your upbringing a sense of pride in knowing your parents did their best. Let it make you more determined to do well in whatever you do in the future. Money is not everything. Many of the wealthiest people I know are the most troubled. Everyone has some trouble in their life. You are still here and can use your experience to build for your future..