26 & never had serious relationship

bellasays

Hi everyone

I'm in my mid twenties, quite good looking but my downfall would be that I'm slightly on the chubby side....slightly. Like I'd be about a size 14 on a good day. I like to think I've an interesting, bubbly personality, but I've never had a serious boyfriend. I have had one boyfriend in the past when I was a teenager but that fizzled out pretty quickly.

I have lovely friends who I socialise with whenever I can, I am on social networking sites & have lots of photos up on those. I am also friends with a few guys that I would be interested in going out with on those sites but they never seem to contact me/interact with me. Even though I might meet them the odd time in the pub etc they never take things any further or text/contact me even though they have all my details. I have left them messages etc but they don't seem interested in replying at all or else they'll just reply quickly and that's it.

I have been described by some as a bit stuck up and I've been called a cold fish on occasion - both of which I completely disagree with and I think it's just jealousy. I am always getting compliments on my hair, makeup, clothes etc.

I am often jealous of my friends and their relationships but I tend to find lots of faults with my friends' partners and could never picture myself with them, even though my friends would be quite similar to me.

I have a younger brother and he is in a very serious relationship and has been for the last few years. I don't really get on very well with his girlfriend, or him for that matter. I think they're a bit dull to be honest because they like to spend a lot of time together and rarely go out. I think he is too young to be in such a serious relationship and that he should be out enjoying himself more. I will admit that a part of me would be slightly jealous of their relationship at the back of my mind because it's obvious how in love and happy they are together. It's sickening quite frankly - they're always pawing each other. His girlfriend is also very attractive, smart, funny and loved by all - which gets to me sometimes as I think she's just annoying most of the time and that she tries too hard. I would describe her as an annoying fly that I'd like to swat away.

I also have an older sister who is married and has a baby etc and she gets on very well with my brother and his girlfriend so I feel a bit like the black sheep of the family. I think her life is boring and I wouldn't be jealous of her in any way, I also think her husband is a bit dull and I don't know what she finds to talk to him about.

I'm looking for any advice on how I could let the guys I'm interested in know that I'm not going to bite their heads off if they talk to me. I don't want to have to spell it out for them because it would be very embarrassing if they didn't have any interest in me. And I don't ask guys out.

Is it normal to get to my age without ever being in a serious relationship?? Is my weight the problem?

RossFixxxed

I doubt your weight is an issue from what you say. But your confidence could be an issue. Also if you don't see yourself with anyone that could be a factor.

Have you tried meeting people, dating etc?

LegacyUser

Apologies if I'm wrong but I'm just getting a sense from your post that you have a dislike of people & consider yourself to be a bit better than them. Maybe that comes across with the men you know also & that's why they're not contacting you. Everybody is different so try to lighten up a bit & appreciate people for what they are, even if it's not your ideal.

bellasays

Yeah I have, my friends have set me up with people as well and I've been on a few dates etc but I really wouldn't be bothered with any of the guys they're interested in. Why would my confidence be the problem?

Michellenman

You appear to have too much of it. Bit of humility wouldn't go astray.

Terodil

bellasays wrote: »

Is it normal to get to my age without ever being in a serious relationship?? Is my weight the problem?

Yes and no, there is no 'normal'. I was 28 before I met my OH who I love to bits. Chill. You'll find happiness in your time, be that as a single or in a loving relationship. Your weight is not your problem. This, however may be:

bellasays wrote: »

I have been described by some as a bit stuck up and I've been called a cold fish on occasion - both of which I completely disagree with and I think it's just jealousy. I am always getting compliments on my hair, makeup, clothes etc.

The criticism relates to your personality. You argue on the basis of compliments about your looks. There is a mismatch here that you may want to look into.

bellasays wrote: »

I am often jealous of my friends and their relationships but I tend to find lots of faults with my friends' partners and could never picture myself with them, even though my friends would be quite similar to me.

Nobody's perfect, you know... maybe you're being too critical, and, tbh, all your criticism of your siblings and their relationships does sound a bit spiteful.

bellasays wrote: »

I don't want to have to spell it out for them because it would be very embarrassing if they didn't have any interest in me. And I don't ask guys out.

I know the stuff above was partly conjecture. This, however, is definitely where you couldn't go 'more wrong'.

RossFixxxed

OK you've said you seem a bit stuck up and cold fishey to some people, so I'd ask do you think you're better than these people OR are you insecure around these people and put up a big wall?

She may not be that arrogant as other's have suggested, but has blocked herself away in fear.

R

bellasays

I'm just being honest, I know nobody's perfect but I don't want to end up with just anyone! I also don't want to end up alone, bit of a dilemma!

I know the compliments I mentioned were to do with my looks and not my personality but I'm well liked by my friends and we have a good laugh together so my personality can't be that awful.

People always say to me "oh you don't understand, when you're in love with someone it's different" but I still could never imagine myself falling for some average joe like some of my friend's have.

bellasays

I don't think I'm better than anyone, maybe I have higher standards or something. I really don't know where they get the cold fishey thing from, admittedly I wouldn't be the warmest huggy lovey dovey girl but I'm a good friend and a good person once you get to know me.

I was teased a lot when I was younger because of my weight so I would be a bit sceptical of people I suppose

Lux23

bellasays wrote: »

.

People always say to me "oh you don't understand, when you're in love with someone it's different" but I still could never imagine myself falling for some average joe like some of my friend's have.

Well what kind of men would interest you? What exactly do you mean by average joe?

RossFixxxed

bellasays wrote: »

I'm just being honest, I know nobody's perfect but I don't want to end up with just anyone! I also don't want to end up alone, bit of a dilemma!

I know the compliments I mentioned were to do with my looks and not my personality but I'm well liked by my friends and we have a good laugh together so my personality can't be that awful.

People always say to me "oh you don't understand, when you're in love with someone it's different" but I still could never imagine myself falling for some average joe like some of my friend's have.

Some average joe like your friends. Right that answers my arrogance question. That attitude is the very reason, right there.

Anyone on initial encounters is average. Anyone seems to be quite normal, especially as they are just getting to know you. I woulnd't go announcing some of my weirder, or better or worse traits to someone on a first few dates.

So now the questions are: what do you want in a man. Do you want a millionaire, super stud, that's BETTER than your friends OH's. Which leads to the final question: what makes you so better than any of these people?

You do not have any idea what it is like to be in love, that is very true. EVERYONE has flaws, faults and weird things that they do. It's loving all those things too that makes a realatinship work (or at least the ability to openly talk about them)!


to be honest, your friends seem to be happier and better off than you in their lives... Have you considered they are happy and fulfilled with these 'average joes'

You will meet a man when you become a woman, i.e. when you grow up and develop a sensible and mature attitude to these things.

If you can't see yourself with any man you meet, I'd love to know who will be able to climb into your house of cards and glass with you to start chucking stones!

R

bellasays

I just have this thing that people would talk about me if I was going out with some run of the mill ordinary guy. It's almost like I feel they would expect me to be with someone super successful, funny, interesting. In a way, I'd rather be on my own than have people talk about me being with someone they didn't approve of or they had something to say about. I am very concerned about what other people say about me.

Sometimes I wonder if my friends really are happier than me because they seem to have lots of rows with their other halves as well.....maybe I'm better off!

LegacyUser

I had to reply to this because it could have been me!
I'm in my late 20s and was horribly dumped last year-but it was the best thing that ever happened to me because the guy was totally, brutally honest about why he wanted to end it.
I'm a good-looking, intelligent girl and have a fair level of self-confidence - or so I thought. I was always wondering why some lucky guy wouldn't snap me up when my friends were all coupled up. Anyway, met this great guy and had a great (so I thought) relationship until it all went pear-shaped. He sat me down to do the "break up talk" but said "it's not me, it's you" and proceded to outline a few home truths in cringe-making detail about how I had been arrogant, self-righteous and frankly obnoxious to him-I thought I was being jokey or fun but I got a real wake-up call about how to treat people.
OP, if things are happening for you, it is you-be it your weight or personality. It's not nice to hear your faults outlined in stark relief to you, but maybe this would be good for you. Perhaps you need to hear from others what your faults are so you can fix them-if it's not working you need to change it.
It worked for me-I definately had a major slice of humple pie on that awful break-up day but I can honestly say it was the best thing that happened, because I woke up, smelt the coffee, and met someone who I appreciate and who appreciates me. I still have my faults but I've come off my high horse about many things. I only wish I had been told to cop on years ago and maybe I would have met someone sooner.

LegacyUser

OP, you are never going to be happy until you stop worrying what other people think about your life choices, and you're certainly never going to be happy until you realise that you are on exactly the same level as all of your friends and their 'average joe' boyfriends.

You can't go through life being worried about what other people think. People will always make judgements and have their own opinion on the lives and decisions of others (certainly sounds like you are judgemental of your friends' choices), but the truth is we're all mostly concerned about ourselves and our own lives. I mean this in the kindest way, but I doubt they'll spend longer than 5 minutes analysing any new man you may find.

I wouldn't worry about your weight, I'm the same as you weight-wise and I've never had a problem getting boyfriends. Perhaps just be open to people, warts 'n all, and focus on their good aspects, and please stop obsessing about what your friends think. This is your life and if you're happy with whomever you may meet, isn't that all that should matter to your mates?

puglover

You're arrogance is the problem as far as I can see. You need to get your head out of your ass.

Some of the nicest guys in the world could fall into what YOU class as an average joe.

Personally I don't think anyone is average.

muboop1

bellasays wrote: »

Yeah I have, my friends have set me up with people as well and I've been on a few dates etc but I really wouldn't be bothered with any of the guys they're interested in. Why would my confidence be the problem?

I hate to say this but you seem insanely stuck up or over confident?

Everyone you mention isnt good enough for you or interesting enough for you...

Can I ask you, what interests you?

What would you expect from a man?

The whole point of dates are gettig to know people. But it comes across in your post like you instantly decided they weren't interesting...
How can you actually know that?

We cant all go out with rockstars or super models... And if we did, I think we would get a shock very fast!
Performign in a new venue to a different crowd every day will seem great at first, then it will just be work...(my rockstar example )

You say you are good looking but over weight slightly...
Actually impresed you think this! Most girls are to self concious to admit something like this.

Firstly in a club that can be a major problem. You could easily give off an unatainable aura. See other threads here reacently for examples of this.

You say your brother and sister have dull lifes...

No offense, they are with soemone they love enjoying themselves...
They have what you covet...
Are you sure you arent just saying this out of jealousy?

What do you do that makes you so interesting? What more then your brother and sister?

Relationships and life arent a roller coaster.

There is so much more to a relationship then having as exciting a life as possible.

It’s a person to share all your experiences with whether they be mundane or exciting. A person you can connect with who makes you happy.

LegacyUser

You really need to let go and stop worrying about what other people think because you'll never meet someone unless you're completely open and willing to give all different kinds of men a chance. You should quit being so cold and let people in, they might surprise you! I myself am going out with what some people like yourself might call an "average joe" but he is the kindest, most loving, caring man I've ever met and I couldn't be happier. We have such a laugh together even though we come from totally different backrounds and are complete opposites in many ways. I think he's the sexiest most gorgeous man alive but some of my friends (who would be very like me in ways) wouldn't be bothered with him if he was the last man on earth! Some of my friends did pass comment in the early stages and said they never would have put the two of us together but I let it slide and they gradually got to know us as a couple as opposed to us as their single friends and they love him as much as I do now! They see how happy he makes me and they're delighted for us now. You could be missing out by being so reluctant to give people a chance

rhyolite

bubbly = annoying, irritating and doesn't know when to shut up.

OP, having read your initial and subsequent posts, i have to say that you sound utterly repellent. i wouldn't touch you with someone elses...

you are great - except that you're insanely jealous of that which you claim to be above, and are ridiculously critical of the way other people choose to live their (much happier) lives.

you are obsessed with how good looking you are - how great your hair and make-up are, what nice clothes you have. problem is, you're a size 16. now being a size 16 isn't an issue, but it is when you go on about how attractive you are to men. the sniggering sound you hear when you flirt with blokes or talk to your friends about how wonderful you are, that's a sign that you're deluded.

you're deluded, vain, spiteful, jealous - and given how your social life is web-based - unlikely to have any social skills. i can't imagine why you'd have problems getting into relationships...

websites with friends, for people with none.

the helpful bit: stop being a condascending git when you've not got the legs for it, and take a good hard look at your posts and ask why men don't like you. if you have problems with that, just write out the words 'deluded' 'vain' 'spiteful' 'jealous' 'virtual life' and 'probably a bit porky to have such faults and still expect men to want you'.

good luck.

RossFixxxed

rhyolite wrote: »

bubbly = annoying, irritating and doesn't know when to shut up.

OP, having read your initial and subsequent posts, i have to say that you sound utterly repellent. i wouldn't touch you with someone elses...

you are great - except that you're insanely jealous of that which you claim to be above, and are ridiculously critical of the way other people choose to live their (much happier) lives.

you are obsessed with how good looking you are - how great your hair and make-up are, what nice clothes you have. problem is, you're a size 16. now being a size 16 isn't an issue, but it is when you go on about how attractive you are to men. the sniggering sound you hear when you flirt with blokes or talk to your friends about how wonderful you are, that's a sign that you're deluded.

you're deluded, vain, spiteful, jealous - and given how your social life is web-based - unlikely to have any social skills. i can't imagine why you'd have problems getting into relationships...

websites with friends, for people with none.

the helpful bit: stop being a condascending git when you've not got the legs for it, and take a good hard look at your posts and ask why men don't like you. if you have problems with that, just write out the words 'deluded' 'vain' 'spiteful' 'jealous' 'virtual life' and 'probably a bit porky to have such faults and still expect men to want you'.

good luck.

Very harsh, but not unreasonable. OP you seem to be deluded, but I think you have no spine or confidence. Your snobbery seems to be that 'people' will talk about you, not what YOU want. Your whole life seems to be based on some mad idea of what other people think. That's a fast road to being miserable and single... oh wait. Yeah I see the problem I think.

In order to battle your crippling social inabilities, you have to put up this wall of 'nobody is good enough' and defend it with what others would think. If you had a backbone you wouldn't give a proverbial what anyone else thinks of your partners and choices in life.

It's almost like some kind of relationship anoxrexia, you've put it up so high on a pedestal you don't know what it is and any reality won't compare to this ludicrious image you have of the whole thing.

This is not about standards, or lowering them. This is about giving someone a CHANCE and looking past any of the stupid sperficial crap you are son hung up on. It also means looking out for what YOU want, not what aunty nora will think of your Jimmy.

Are you depressed? Are you finding it harder to be social and get out? What has put this insane wall in front of you?

I am in shock at the arrogance that you think no men are good enough! I wonder what they think when they meet you. Ain't NOBODY perfect out there. You are flinging stones about in a big glass house from your deluded soapbox.

Ross

OP, if i ever found one out one of my friend's thought how you did, i wouldn't even give them the time of day. you want a superstar boyfriend but deserve nothing. absolute spite for friends and family is a disgusting trait and i'm sure you're the 'fly they'd all like to swat away'

at 26, you need to decide to lose the attitude and lose the weight. size 14 on a good day means size 16 and whens there's shops specifically for that size and over, you're too big. sounds like you've based your personality around denial.. "i've no boyfriend.. but sure none of my friends could be happy anyway. i might be better off."

yea, clearly.