Sexual misfit

LegacyUser

ok, my sexual history but more so my sexual preferences history is a bit strange to me. it has left me almost a-sexual for the last 3 years ( i'm 21 ).
i guess it's the internet that ruined me.. with masturbation, the whole thing of 'has to be more extreme to get same thrill' has led me to every corner of the web to things people would never admit ( no pedo btw ). this has left my sex life quite sparse since orgasm was next to impossible with the idea of regular sex..

one thing i've identified is that i'm fairly bisexual.. find men completely unattractive but the act itself quite appealing. ie. anal play. i will never act on it tho.. 1. im way more attracted to girls and 2. when i was young, like 14, i gave a handjob to a neighbour twice for money. we don't speak now. that fuked with my head up until i was 18 maybe cause i felt used and disgusting (he was 16 maybe). no amount of sexual desire will outweigh those feelings..

but anyway, where i'm going with this.. recently, it feels like i've hit puberty. a mad desire to be with women in a regular way. i've also stopped searching the porn i used to.
i seen someone post on a forum before about how sometimes after a big circle of fetishes, you can come out the other side and just be normal again.. well now i'm hoping this is happening.. with that tho is a loneliness i've never really felt before. i want a girlfriend, the companionship being the biggest thing i crave.

i still have my demons and i have my massive regrets about my lack of sexual desire for real people. this has left me out of the game too much. i still have my confusions over sexuality but hope nothing comes of it in the end. i just need a girlfriend to get me to where i want to be, sexually normal.

this post is more a place for me to write down how i feel. sorry if it doesnt fit in here but i hope the mods allow it and people understand that i just need to get it out there. i'm 21, male, work in an office, have a wide social circle, have a car and go out regularly. normal in every way except for all the above. does everyone go through this rollercoaster or just a few of us?

Taltos

Hi OP,

a few things jumped out at me from your post, but I just want you to know that it will get better for you. You have already made the first step.

What am i? wrote: »

i guess it's the internet that ruined me.. with masturbation, the whole thing of 'has to be more extreme to get same thrill' has led me to every corner of the web

This happens to quite a lot of people, while single as you currently are or even those in loving relationships. This kind of activity if not controlled can actually destroy marriages. I am not saying there is anything wrong with it - but each person is different just as each relationship is and it affects different people in different ways. Great start though - give it a few months, so skip this and skip those porn channels on sky etc.

What am i? wrote: »

one thing i've identified is that i'm fairly bisexual.. find men completely unattractive but the act itself quite appealing. ie. anal play. i will never act on it tho..

Yes you could be BI - but you could also be a straight guy with an anal fetish - and again there are quite a few women out there that enjoy this.

What am i? wrote: »

when i was young, like 14, i gave a handjob to a neighbour twice for money. we don't speak now. that fuked with my head up until i was 18 maybe cause i felt used and disgusting (he was 16 maybe). no amount of sexual desire will outweigh those feelings..

Man - this is a form of abuse - and those feelings of disgust you are talking about - they could still be there. Personally if it was me those feelings of disgust might have turned into rage - and who knows what would have happened then. You also spoke about your demons. There is a chance that this encounter has affected you more than you like to admit. Would you consider going to talk to someone about this - and instead of hiding your disgust - accept it and move past it?

What am i? wrote: »

i want a girlfriend, the companionship being the biggest thing i crave.

You have already started to take the action needed to meet someone. While porn can be really good when used in the right way - it can also play with our minds so that how we perceive things is altered. Again - go talk to someone, but stay away from the porn or if you can't then you might be looking at an addiction.
However taking time for yourself, mixing with friends and just having fun like most other 21 yr olds - you will defo meet someone. It might take a while so if it does don't fall back on the old reliable - just work through it.

Trixielicious

Ok so you've had some fetishes and you've been too reliant on porn in the past but you don't "need a girlfriend to get me to where i want to be, sexually normal", you are sexually normal! Everybody likes different things, some more extreme than the other and so long as it's not illegal or nobody is getting hurt then it is perfectly normal.

IMHO you have issues with what happened when you were 14 and I would suggest you speak to somebody about this, a doctor, councillor, etc. You need to learn how to deal with it. This may be a reason why you've had more "virtual relationships" rather than real ones and any good councillor will help you get to the bottom of this. Don't be embarrassed about speaking to somebody either, you will never be able to shock a councillor, they have heard alot worse than you will ever be able to tell them.

I agree with Taltos regarding being a straight guy with an anal fetish. Some women love this and you may find a partner who will be willing to explore this with you.

Good luck with your romantic search!!!