Fed up!

LegacyUser

Hi i will start by apologising for this miserable post but i thought i would share this because im 21 and im really, really, really fed up with my life and i just dont know what to do anymore.

Ive been in the same job since i was 17, I want a new job but everytime I try and find one I seem to get nowhere in fact im lucky if I even get a interview (and im rubbish in interviews)i did a I.T course progress but now of course theres hardly any jobs due to credit crunch.

My socil lifes crap too, im shy and I find it hard to meet people, I also have no friends. Ive never had loads of mates and that doesn’t bother me but I did have a close best friend but we drifted apart and haven’t spoken for years, and because im quite shy I didn’t know many people or really get close enough to anyone else so Id lost contact with everyone from school and college and she was my only friend, i don’t really miss her as she was a rubbish mate but I do miss having someone to go out with at weekends and someone to confind in and stuff. Also my love life is a big problem, I have never ever had a long term relationship and ive been single for 3 and a half years, it seems the men I like just use me or they get bored quickly and I always end up feeling hurt or disappointed.

And also I still live at home with my family, I feel like ive been living here for too long, I think my mum has a problem with me, I cant quite put my finger on it but ive always felt as if she dislikes me a lil bit but maybe im just being paranoid. Ive tried telling my parents about my problems but they just don’t seem to understand. The only time I go out socily is occasionally with people from my work which usually ends up in disaster because I find it hard to join in their conversations and I don’t think many of them really like me either I think they just invite me cause they feel sorry for me, and the other time is when im going on a date but I meet all my dates from the internet which isn’t a problem for me but my parents would go mental if they found out id been meeting up with strangers so I have to lie to them and ive basically told them that I have a new group of friends who I go drinking with, im not proud of lying but I really don’t have any other option. So of course now they think i have mates they dont understand how bad its gotten, i can barely hold a conversation with people now days.

Im so scared for what the future holds for me but i just dont know how to turn my life around, it seems like everything i do backfires so if anyone has any advice on any of my problems i would be really grateful.

Kipperhell

Some people have natural skills and others don't is how life is. It sounds like you natural skills aren't in small talk. The same way some people are good at maths but everybody can learn some maths.

When I was younger and on the scene I had a marvellously good looking friend who had woman throw themselves at him. It was kind of embarrassing to be around him due to how woman behaved around him. My sister who was 7 years older than us even started flirting with him the first time she met him and my mother was nicer to him than my other friends.

So he had more opportunities than anybody I knew but he just couldn't close the deal on his own. We worked well as a team but I would often get the better looking girl because I could talk to them. I found talking about nothing seriously was the key and avoiding serious conversations and maybe never answer questions to leave some curiosity.

Girl: Nice weather
Me: It it plays havoc with my part time job as a cat burglar as the clear night skies make it easy to be seen.
Girl: Really?
Me: No not really I am actually a werewolf and the shorter summer nights leave me restless as I don't get as good a run. That leaves me pent up with all this animal energy that I need to find a release for any ideas?

All extremely stupid and wouldn't work outside a nightclub/bar situation. Meanwhile my friend would be boring the other girl. Flirting to me has always been about playfulness and when it doesn't work at least it was fun making up ridiculous scenarios. You attract more bees with honey then vinegar.

OP it sounds like you tense up in these situations and may simply not be trying to enjoy the process. The objective is not to bag the girl but have fun with them while talking to them. A job interview like question is not attractive to either sex. Try not to see them as some different sex but as a potential friend who may have a different interests to you. Don't talk football but maybe show interest in woman's fashion or a like of a latest trend. You should be able to talk about any subject and also poke fun at it. "Can you explain to me what woman like about ugg boots?" She might like them or not but at least you have subject she is more likely find interesting.

I have met some of my best friends from such initial contacts and they also meant I could see what they found funny versus guys. Female friends also have more female friends and can help to meet woman in a more relaxed group.

Not sure if that helps but don't let it get you down. Maybe I only ever appealed to a certain type of woman and I am sure people will point out how they wouldn't find my approach attractive:o

Firetrap

It seems to me that you're suffering from low esteem. Maybe you are a bit shy and quiet but that doesn't mean that you don't deserve to have friends and a better life.

You sound like you're very unhappy at home. Have you considered moving out? You're a grown adult now and you can't really live like a grown-up until you get out from under your parents' roof. How about moving into a house with a few other people of your own age? That is what I did and I found it great - not only was it liberating but I became good friends with my housemates and made friends with some of their friends as well. If you do go down this road, don't just plump for the first place you see. Trust your instinct - you will know almost straight away if you can be friends with your prospective housemates. It's a good way to know people.

What I've found works great with people is to try and figure out what they're interested in. If you stumble across something they're interested in (films/music/sport/history/dog grooming) get them talking about it and you won't have to struggle with filling gaps in conversations. All you have to do is listen and ask questions in the right places. Leave the hard work (as in all the talking) to the other person. They will be thrilled that they had a great chat with you.

What's the story with your workmates? Do you chat to them much in work on a one-to-one basis? Being out in a crowd of people who know each other well can be intimidating and you wouldn't be the first person who ends up just sitting there smiling and saying nothing.

Are there any clubs that you can join in your area? Or something you can volunteer for? How about taking swimming lessons this autumn or going to yoga classes or something along those lines. Something that will get you out of the house on a regular basis and have you meeting the same faces week in week out.

Don't be worrying about what's gone before. Not everyone is still friends with their schoolfriends. People move on. Friends come and go. It is never too late to make new friends. If you practice enough talking to people, small talk becomes easier.

I wouldn't get so hung up on having a boyfriend at the moment - you need to become happier and more confident in yourself first. Get your house in order so to speak. When that happens, you will find it easier to meet guys whether it's socially or on the internet. Don't assume that having a boyfriend will cure all the problems you have in your life at the moment.

LegacyUser

Not a guru or anything but i saw your post and thought I'd offer some my opinions. There just one-liners. But try them and see if it helps.

1) Life's not over. You're 21. Young , with a long life ahead of you. MAKE SURE YOU REALIZE THIS! say it to your self every day. "i'm only 21, things could be worse."

2) At least you have recognized your situation at this age and not in your 40's. Make the most out of your twenties...

3)Change your diet. Look at your diet. Get an allergy/ food tolerance test. Eat healthy.

4) Get physical. Go gym. you'll feel better afterwards.

5) Join a group. Join a theatre group, music group, yoga class

6) Blog about something your passionate about. If you dont have a passion Try finding one. Experiment with some things, clubs, hobbies.

7) Stay positive. Whenever you think negatively force your self to look at a positive aspect of your self.

8) Tell your parents you love them. (thats all i can offer for that situation)

9) relax more. You might be tense on many levels. try relaxing, getting a massage therapy. Etc.

10) Think of an image of your self of how you would like to see your self. squeeze your thumb and your index finger together as you think of a happier more confident you. Squeeze your thumb and finger again and do this regularly. this will conjure images of a place you want to be and hopefully you will work on getting there.


Everyone has problems. Look on the bright side. You control yourself. Get off your arse and do what needs to be done.

P.S get out of that job. People should never do jobs they dont like. Brainstorm on what you could, can and would do. Follow that. You're only here once. Don't spend that time working at something you hate. Please

legend365

Can you apply for a career break?

If so why not take a year out and travel. Go to africa, asia, austrailia...

You'll learn alot about yourself.