'Friend' problem

LegacyUser

Hey guys,

I'm a 19 year old girl in college and I am having a bit of a problem. Recently, in the last four months or so i've become quite good friends with another girl in college. She's a genuinely nice person to everyone she meets and at the start I really got on well with her, she kept pushing to be friends with me, texting, adding me on bebo, coming over for drinks when we'd both be out, and to be honest I found this quite unusual as most people kind of come together as friends over time and not as instantly as she was pushing for it. She's quite popular and so I couldn't really understand why she was so into being my friend.

I think I know the reason now and i'm very annoyed.

About a month into going out on girly nights she kept mentioning my housemate, a guy in is early 20s who's in 3rd year. She was like 'invite him out...' and then she started calling over to our house all dolled up for no reason. This is guy is quite good looking and enjoyed the attention but he wasn't interested in her in that way as he reckoned she was a 'slapper' but he was up for being mates with her as he thought I was good mates with her.

On all our nights out she talked non-stop about him pretending it was just friendship, and now he and her have become quite good friends. She denies she wants anything to do with him sexually and says she just likes him as a mate only now she's making my life hell. When he's not at home on one of her unannounced visits she makes an excuse within 5 minutes and leaves. When he is there she's all over him, focusing on everything he says and then following him into other rooms. To say I feel left out is beyond an understatement. When the three of us are in the room, she's so into him she forgets im even there and he enjoys the attention and forgets im there too which makes me so awkward. Yet when i leave the room, im asked why by both later on. When he doesnt answer her texts she texts me to and drops him in there somewhere to know what hes doing. It seems all she wants me for is to play thrid wheel while she tries her luck and to account for his whereabouts when she can't track him down. She wants me there when she needs me there and other than that I can go jump otherwise and its really beginning to knock my self esteem. I feel like I want to have it out with her and say 'stop using me' but I don't want to upset the atmoshpere in my house.

I'm a quiet person. And i'm not very popular and have few friends. Some people might think i'm jealous(im not interested in my hm at all, he's a good friend and thats it) and some might say im paranoid but its really getting me down. I have two good friends on the surface but in reality i'm a thrid wheel with nowehre to run/hide from either of them when they come together. I've mentioned it to him and he says he's noticed it but that it's not his fault, he says she's a good mate now and that she'll never be anything more and that she's just a bit intense. I think he secretly enjoys the attention as she always compliments him and comes across as a lovely decent person. All she seems to talk about is him and she doesn't want to do anything unless he's involved. She's now calling over on a daily basis as she works near our house and its driving me up the wall. I can't believe I was so easily duped and used by her and I want it to end. I get nothing out of our friendship now only hassle and I can't really call her on it for the danger of looking paranoid because as I said she's a nice girl on the surface.

What can I do?

dyl10

If you are 100% sure this is what has gone on the Feck her. I'd just stop hanging around with her.
Cold shoulder her and cut ties, maybe let it be known to your room mate that you don't like her anymore. If you can cut her off without a blow up, I'd just do that and save the hassle. I don't think anyone in the world would admit to doing what she did, when confronted.

If you think it's a good idea, possibly tell your room mate what you think has happened.

To summarise: Stay friends with the fella, forget about her, learn and move on.

R.D. aka MR.D

This is a very very difficult situation to be in.

If the two are such good friends cutting her out might result in losing him as a friend too.

First of all explain to your room mate how you feel and then mention it to your 'friend', wait a week or so and see if anything changes.

if you don't get the desired result, I think the answer might be to change the dynamic of the relationship you have with the two of them. When she comes over to see him be civil to her but go into your room or go out and do something else.
This way it limits bad feeling.

Join a club or take up some sort of hobby and get out and meet new people.

Sometimes these horrible situations happen. Just try to come out of as little bruised by it as possible.

I hope things work out in the best way possible.

Overheal

I never thought this hard in college.... erm, about socialising, that is.

Its simpler than you think. Just keep deferring to him. "I really don't know. You would have to ask him." etc.

You have to deconstruct this idea that you are an effective middleman (middlewoman?) for her to get to this guy through. Refuse to pass along The Ball often enough and she will get the idea and go to him directly instead.

It is kinda funny though how bad she is at being Coy

newtoboards

Are you interested in having a relationship with your housemate? See I think this sounds a lot like jealousy on your part of the friendship they have developed. You're mad at your housemate for possibly having feelings for her and you're mad at her for building up a friendship with him. Why not just hang out with the two of them and if something happens between the two of them so be it. You're thinking so long and hard about not being that popular instead of getting out there and making friends or being good friends to the ones you have.

LegacyUser

I think you should leave them to it when she comes to your house. Have a chat for a few minutes & then say you have to go out (even if you only go for a walk). If she rings/texts you to know what he's up to tell her you dont know & that she'll have to ask him directly. Keep being friendly with her but try to distance yourself a bit from her.

LegacyUser

yeah i agree with the above post. i wouldnt make any sudden big changes cos they'll both think you're being in a strop! distance yourself from her gradually. as you said she clearly has little interest in being a proper friend so dont stay pals with her just for the sake of having a pal you know? id say whats hurting you most is you had him as a friend first and she kinda came in and "robbed" one of a few friends you say you have. she sounds like an attention seeker and will eventually get bored of him if he doesnt get it on with her.

unreggd

Unregistered wrote: »

Have a chat for a few minutes & then say you have to go out (even if you only go for a walk)

That's bullsh;t, having to leave her own house on a daily basis because of some muppet

If she rings/texts you to know what he's up to tell her you dont know & that she'll have to ask him directly

I say do this once, then ignore her contact after that


OP, I say just tell her what you said here

It may be cruel, but you pretending you're happy with the situation when you're not will be a lot worse for you

tbh

I've experienced people like your flatmate before, and based on my experiences, these are my thoughts. I'm putting that disclaimer in to say, your friend may not be like this, but maybe this will make sense to you.

Your friend is not really a friend - I think you've worked that out already. She's a user and she knows that herself on one level. She, however, makes excuses for it in her head, because none of us could really live our lives knowing we were wrong, could we?

So, in my experience, if you raise this issue with your friend, in the hopes that she'll see her behavior is wrong and make an effort to get a proper friendship back on track, she'll push it back on you. She'll get defensive and accuse you of being jealous, because that's how she copes with what she does.

You should always expect out of a friendship what you put into it, and from your description of you and your friend, you're never going to get the type of friendship you expect from this girl.

If you realise that to be true, and it may not be in your case, then, armed with that knowledge, you now have to take responsibility for what happens next.

You could say nothing, and just let things continue as they are. But if you decide to do that, you can't complain about the way this girl is acting. You know not to expect any more from her - if you then decide to keep putting into the relationship that which you know will not be returned - that's on you.
And loads of people do that, and have no problems with it. I've a friend like that myself, who never lets me down because I never trust him. And I do love him.

However, thinking about your situation - back in college, loads of new people to meet, I think you don't want to get sucked into this situation any further than you have been - it's just hassle for no reward. The best thing you could do, in my opinion, is just concentrate on widening your circle of friends, and being less dependent (i.e. not at all) on this girl for company.

You say you're a quiet person who doesn't have many friends. You're therefore less able to judge what you should expect from a friendship. I've been there, and I know what it's like. However, this girl isn't a friend, and you should stop thinking of her like that. I'm not saying be rude or aggressive towards her, but if she calls and wants to come round, just tell her no. Because she's not your friend, you don't have to make excuses, and you don't have feel guilty.

I'm guessing you find it difficult to meet new people, and probably because of that, you thought that hanging round with this girl was a case of "better the devil you know". Unfortunately, that stopped you from meeting people who would like and respect you for your own qualities.
You really don't want to let that situation continue for too much longer.

thefeatheredcat

OP,

It's a difficult situation and some decent replies already here...

Drop her as a friend if you really feel she is using you and you are very certain on this...

However, she shouldn't be using you to get closer to your housemate and pumping you for information on his whereabouts. I wouldn't play to it, like a couple of other posters said, refer any queries about him for her to find out directly.

He's already aware of the situation by what I understand from the post, so it's really up to him to decide what happens with them from now on. If she's being intense with him, he'll probably get a bit sick of it..... and don't play the role of comforting friend when it all hits the wall if she's only romantically interested in him and not a friendship with him.

Don't let the issue bother you that you feel that you have to leave the house...you live there too... just don't bother with her too much when she's there but keep it polite and civil and decent to being acquaintances. She may realise your housemate isn't the catch of the century and actually realise she is loosing out on a great friendship with you.

You deserve a lot better than to have this person in your life.