Hurt and Confused...

LegacyUser

Hi,

My boyfriend and I have been together a year, our sex life is good, we have good sex almost every day. I recently went on a girly weekend away with my friends, a few days later after coming home, I was online and accidentally found that my boyfriend had been looking up porno pictures.
I feel extremely hurt and betrayed, almost as if I have been cheated on . I confronted him about it and he said that was the only time he has ever looked up that stuff and that he doesn't even know why he looked it up.. The thing is we have talked about porn before and he knows how I feel about it and how hurt I would be if he did look up porn.
I feel really self conscious now thinking that my boyfriend doesn't find me attractive and that he would prefer a girlfriend who looks more like the sluts he was looking up online..

I don't know if I am over reacting.. Any advice or thoughts on this would be much appreciated!

Moomoo1

I think you are overreacting. You were away, he was feeling h***y, and he looked up some porn. I don't think that means he finds you less attractive, he probably needed some release whilst you were gone.

LegacyUser

I'm a woman and I enjoy looking at porn. I'm not abnormal, as far as I know! Many of my friends also enjoy it and it can be part of a normal sex life. So long as it doesn't involve kiddies or very weird fetishes I get a kick out of it. Also, I don't know if this might apply but I have picked up some tips from watchin porn that really paid off!

LegacyUser

I was gone for one night, like less than 24 hours, and we had sex right before I left so I still dont understand why he would do that

Lucyx

I can totally understand how you're feeling but you must know that this bares no reflection on you. It absolutely doesn't mean that he doesn't think you're gorgeous and sexy. Obviously hes still crazy into you cos otherwise you'd know all about it and things are obviously good between you guys from what you've said.

This is just a small silly thing that guys are gonna do the odd time but don't dwell on it too much sweetie. It really means nothing to him and its just silly pictures that he had a quick look at and forgot about 5 mins later.

Terodil

I can understand how you feel also. You need to realise though that it's a problem only if you turn it into one. Porn is no competition or even replacement to a relationship. If your bf occasionally looks at some (esp. when you're away for some time) it does not mean that he fancies you any less. Comparing yourself to porn actresses is the worst you can do, from three perspectives: for yourself and your self-esteem, for your relationship, and from a factual perspective, because you are comparing apples and pears. Porn is to a real relationship what dried fruit is to a fresh sorbet with hot berries (i.e. a pale shadow only).

Please, for the sake of your own peace of mind and your relationship, stop worrying about it and especially do not turn this into drama with your bf.

P.S. I know you are hurt, but porn actresses aren't sluts.

Virgil°

You are over reacting.
Just something you're gonna have to come to terms with. Most guys look at porn and continue to do so even in happy relationships.

puglover

Terodil wrote: »

P.S. I know you are hurt, but porn actresses aren't sluts.

Yes they are They are the very definition of the word slut.

Terodil

puglover wrote: »

Yes they are They are the very definition of the word slut.

The word 'slut' is used whenever narrow-minded people try to demean other people for being different. Be it the girl who dresses sexily but is never available and so ends up called such out of spite, be it the girl who chooses to regard sex as something fun and dares to pursue NSA options, or be it the girl who chooses to use her gift of beauty to pose for pictures and make some money on the side. You can call them exhibitionist if you feel the need to, but porn actresses are not necessarily prostitutes, and some of them are artists in their own right.

puglover

Terodil wrote: »

The word 'slut' is used whenever narrow-minded people try to demean other people for being different. Be it the girl who dresses sexily but is never available and so ends up called such out of spite, be it the girl who chooses to regard sex as something fun and dares to pursue NSA options, or be it the girl who chooses to use her gift of beauty to pose for pictures and make some money on the side. You can call them exhibitionist if you feel the need to, but porn actresses are not necessarily prostitutes, and some of them are artists in their own right.

Come off it would you.... artists :rolleyes:
slut (slt)
n. 1. a. A person, especially a woman, considered sexually promiscuous.
b. A woman prostitute.

2. A slovenly woman; a slattern.

Theres a definition of the word slut for you. I think 1. a. covers porn actresses(and actors too I might add)

Monkey61

Yep you are majorly overreacting. Lots of men and women enjoy porn. There is nothing wrong with that. I don't see how you could find it threatening. I am sure your boyfriend watches films/music videos with beautiful women in them. I am sure he fancies lots of celebrities -as I imagine do you. I am sure that both of you fantasise about people that aren't eachother as well - all perfectly healthy and normal. That doesn't mean that he doesn't find you attractive, nor should it mean that you should spend time worrying that he would rather be with Jessica Alba/Megan Fox etc. That is pointless and not very relevant to real life.

Banning your boyfriend from watching porn is not a very productive thing to do. He is an adult and pushing your insecurities into your relationships and making restrictive rules because of them is never a good thing!

Also referring to porn stars as "sluts" is very offensive. Professional porn stars are actresses; it is their job. In a technical sense you might call them sexually promiscuous as they may have sex with a lot of different people (again as part of their job)- but that would be like calling all boxers or martial artists violent thugs - they are not necessarily (although maybe some are in their private lives), but for the majority I would guess, it is a sport.

R.D. aka MR.D

You can't 'ban' your boyfriend from watching porn but I think that if you have already explained to him how offensive you find it then he has been disrespectful.

You definitly deserve a massive apology.

You have every right not to like porn. Just because it has become normalised doesn't mean it's okay.

But definitly don't worry about him fancying the girls more than you or anything, he probaly needed some release when he was bored.

puglover

Monkey61 wrote: »

Yep you are majorly overreacting. Lots of men and women enjoy porn. There is nothing wrong with that. I don't see how you could find it threatening. I am sure your boyfriend watches films/music videos with beautiful women in them. I am sure he fancies lots of celebrities -as I imagine do you. I am sure that both of you fantasise about people that aren't eachother as well - all perfectly healthy and normal. That doesn't mean that he doesn't find you attractive, nor should it mean that you should spend time worrying that he would rather be with Jessica Alba/Megan Fox etc. That is pointless and not very relevant to real life.

Banning your boyfriend from watching porn is not a very productive thing to do. He is an adult and pushing your insecurities into your relationships and making restrictive rules because of them is never a good thing!

Also referring to porn stars as "sluts" is very offensive. Professional porn stars are actresses; it is their job. In a technical sense you might call them sexually promiscuous as they may have sex with a lot of different people (again as part of their job)- but that would be like calling all boxers or martial artists violent thugs - they are not necessarily (although maybe some are in their private lives), but for the majority I would guess, it is a sport.

You could also argue that logic for a prostitute(which porn actors and actresses are) being a slut...it's part of their job, doesn't make it untrue.

OP we all have boundaries with what we are comfortable with in a relationship and there is nothing at all wrong with that. Monogomous Relationships in their very essence are restrictive in there very essence because you are restricted to one partner. It's perfectly normal to have certain restrictions.

That said, everyones boundaries are different so you need to decide what you are comfortable with and where you can compromise. Talk to your boyfriend, I am sure he won't want to make you unhappy and once you've agreed on something I'm sure he'll make every effort not to break your trust again.

Terodil

puglover wrote: »

You could also argue that logic for a prostitute(which porn actors and actresses are) being a slut...it's part of their job, doesn't make it untrue.

Aren't you enjoying putting them down, hmm? Your bracketed assumption is still wrong, but I guess when the chance arises to lord yourself over others you can not be too fussy about being right or wrong.

puglover wrote: »

Monogomous Relationships in their very essence are restrictive in there very essence because you are restricted to one partner. [...] I'm sure he'll make every effort not to break your trust again.

Agreed on the boundaries, but this is ridiculous. You are making it look as if he cheated and broke her trust. Sorry for being a bit crude here, but what do you even care about what he does when he has private time? Would you give him an earful too for masturbating? What time are you living in?

VaioCruiser

Terodil wrote: »

The word 'slut' is used whenever narrow-minded people try to demean other people for being different. Be it the girl who dresses sexily but is never available and so ends up called such out of spite, be it the girl who chooses to regard sex as something fun and dares to pursue NSA options, or be it the girl who chooses to use her gift of beauty to pose for pictures and make some money on the side. You can call them exhibitionist if you feel the need to, but porn actresses are not necessarily prostitutes, and some of them are artists in their own right.

Absolutely right with your first sentence.

All the best.

Otis Driftwood

I hate to break it to you OP but its unlikely its the first time or that it will be the last time that he has looked at porn.

You are over-reacting TBH.

Porn is more or less harmless,its a visual thing only and in no way can it replace sex.

Stop giving him such a hard time.

puglover

Terodil wrote: »

Aren't you enjoying putting them down, hmm? Your bracketed assumption is still wrong, but I guess when the chance arises to lord yourself over others you can not be too fussy about being right or wrong.

No I do not enjoy putting them down, in fact I would much prefer if they didn't exist.
Terodil just because you say something doesn't make it so. A prostitute has sex for money. Do you think Porn Stars are doing it out of the goodness of their hearts or something? And who exactly am I "lording" myself over?

Terodil wrote: »

Agreed on the boundaries, but this is ridiculous. You are making it look as if he cheated and broke her trust. Sorry for being a bit crude here, but what do you even care about what he does when he has private time? Would you give him an earful too for masturbating? What time are you living in?

Porn is seedy, degrading, and deceiving. It cheapens what is considered a very intimate act by the majrity of people for the sake of a bit of entertainment. A huge portion of society have a problem with it, obviously including the OP. She is entitled to be upset and it is not an over-reaction at all.

I would consider it almost as bad as cheating. It is receiving sexual pleasure from someone that isn't your partner. And as for what my partner does in his private time, of course I care, if he goes and shags other women when I'm not around is that acceptable too? Simply because it's he's private time... grow up Terodil.

Monkey61

puglover wrote: »

You could also argue that logic for a prostitute(which porn actors and actresses are) being a slut...it's part of their job, doesn't make it untrue.

Just for the record I would argue that logic for prostitutes! Although I think getting into the porn debate is a bit reductive in this case as we do it to death.

Bottom line I suppose is that the OP has her own opinions on porn that are diffferent to a lot of people's and certainly different to her boyfriends. I can stretch to understanding people who for their own reasons have moral issues with porn - I don't agree but I can see how they would form those arguments. BUT...what I do have a problem with is the frequently asserted line of "Oh I don't like my boyfriend watching porn/going to see strippers because it makes me feel bad about myself. self-conscious etc" because that is purely based on insecurity and god it makes the feminist in me cry.

The other problem that I have is with the OP calling porn actresses "sluts" in such a negative and demeaning way, because again it is so bloody anti-feminist I just do not know where to start. Women have enough trouble with equality issues without other women dragging them down as well.

Anyway though, since the OP's issue with porn is not a fundamental moral one, I suggest that she needs to sit down and examine her feelings on the subject and then do so with her boyfriend. If she is going to feel that way about porn, honestly she needs to think about why that is and wonder why she isn't banning her boyfriend from reading magazines, going to the cinema or perhaps even socialising with other beautiful women...those are all equally ridiculous arguments for the same thing.

As we all know, the brain is the most powerful sexual organ. Porn is about fantasy, not reality and should be treated as such. I might enjoy fantasising about being rescued from a dangerous situation by a handsome musclebound fireman and get very turned on by the idea, that doesn't mean that I will start disliking my boyfriend because he is a skinny doctor.

Terodil

puglover wrote: »

No I do not enjoy putting them down, in fact I would much prefer if they didn't exist.

Why? I don't like a whole lot of things, disagree with some, that doesn't make me want to rob people of a chance to earn their living or to actually enjoy it as long as everybody involved is responsible and things are based on consensuality.

puglover wrote: »

Terodil just because you say something doesn't make it so. A prostitute has sex for money. Do you think Porn Stars are doing it out of the goodness of their hearts or something?

Of course not, see my second post. There's something fundamentally different between selling sex to guys who need it, and acting with other professionals in a highly controlled and very demanding environment.

puglover wrote: »

Porn is seedy, degrading, and deceiving.

To who?

Who's the victim here?

puglover wrote: »

It cheapens what is considered a very intimate act by the majrity of people for the sake of a bit of entertainment.

Please, give me a break. How is it cheapening anything? And what's wrong with a bit of entertainment?

puglover wrote: »

She is entitled to be upset and it is not an over-reaction at all.

It is a massive overreaction, she's making a mountain out of a molehill, and your advice is heading towards the destruction of a perfectly good relationship.

puglover wrote: »

And as for what my partner does in his private time, of course I care, if he goes and shags other women when I'm not around is that acceptable too? Simply because it's he's private time... grow up Terodil.

For the umpteenth time, we are not talking about cheating here, he did not 'shag other women' (in the plural even!). You are making an incorrect comparison here, if one thing is (in)acceptable that doesn't make the other so.

I cannot help lolling a bit at the 'masturbation is evil and turns you blind' attitude though.

Back to the OP: Whatever your opinion of this issue, I hope I was able to help make you see it's far more controversial and less clear-cut than you initially seemed to think. Do not execute your boyfriend for having a different view on this, again, he did not do it to hurt you, like many others he regarded it as a completely separate issue from your relationship, and you do not need to feel worried at all that he'll start comparing your sex life to what he sees on the screen. You would be wasting a great relationship for nothing, essentially.

puglover

Terodil wrote: »

Please, give me a break. How is it cheapening anything? And what's wrong with a bit of entertainment?


It is a massive overreaction, she's making a mountain out of a molehill, and your advice is heading towards the destruction of a perfectly good relationship.


For the umpteenth time, we are not talking about cheating here, he did not 'shag other women' (in the plural even!). You are making an incorrect comparison here, if one thing is (in)acceptable that doesn't make the other so.

I cannot help lolling a bit at the 'masturbation is evil and turns you blind' attitude though.

Back to the OP: Whatever your opinion of this issue, I hope I was able to help make you see it's far more controversial and less clear-cut than you initially seemed to think. Do not execute your boyfriend for having a different view on this, again, he did not do it to hurt you, like many others he regarded it as a completely separate issue from your relationship, and you do not need to feel worried at all that he'll start comparing your sex life to what he sees on the screen. You would be wasting a great relationship for nothing, essentially.

Terodil, I also didn't say her bf shagged anyone else. I'm giving you an example of how it ican be her business what her bf does in his private time.

I never advised the OP to end her relationship and I really don't know how you can think that advising her to TALK to her bf about how she feels about it is.

Why you are bringing masturabtion into this is beyond me. Who even mentioned it? Watching other people have sex for pleasure is not the same as pleasuring yourself.

Terodil

puglover wrote: »

Terodil, I also didn't say her bf shagged anyone else. I'm giving you an example of how it ican be her business what her bf does in his private time.

Fair enough, but then that's purely theoretical and has absolutely no relevance for the issue at hand. He did not enter into contact with anybody else but himself.

puglover wrote: »

I never advised the OP to end her relationship and I really don't know how you can think that advising her to TALK to her bf about how she feels about it is.

She ALREADY gave him a third degree over it. If he has an ounce of intelligence he'll have learnt the lesson and hide his tracks better in the future. Now if she returns to it again then she is making a mountain out of a molehill. This is bad advice because it'll endanger the relationship.

puglover wrote: »

Why you are bringing masturabtion into this is beyond me. Who even mentioned it? Watching other people have sex for pleasure is not the same as pleasuring yourself.

I'm sure that with a bit of thinking, you'll discover a potential link between masturbation and porn.

puglover

I actually couldn't be bothered debating this with you anymore Terodil.

You can't argue with ignorance.

Unregistered

Unregistered wrote: »

I was gone for one night, like less than 24 hours, and we had sex right before I left so I still dont understand why he would do that

Because it has about as much to do with you as him going to brush his teeth or choosing a particular type of drink. It has nothing to do with you and your sex life, it's a habit. He uses pron to get off, end of.

The Recliner

puglover wrote: »

I actually couldn't be bothered debating this with you anymore Terodil.

You can't argue with ignorance.

Please don't insult other members just because they hold a different opinion to you

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

I was gone for one night, like less than 24 hours, and we had sex right before I left so I still dont understand why he would do that

Without getting into the debate fully - I would say to you, OP, that from this comment alone it is clear to me that your understanding of men and the male psyche is seriously lacking (no offense!) ... and you need to do a bit of catching up if you are to understand your partner(s) through your life.


All the best

dearg lady

It's natural to be a bit shocked to see this on the computer if it's not something you're into yourself, however there's a good chance he looks at it regularly, and it doesn't have to be something that comes between you both.

I've always considered myself fairly liberal, but when I found out an ex had slept with a prostitute(before we were together) my immediate reaction was, 'that slut'!! It's one of those things when you're confronted with can be a bit much Anyway, after a day or two thinkin about it, it no longer bothered me and I certainly don't see myself as above a prostitute, it's a job, it's a way of earning money, that's all.

As far as porn goes, most men(and plenty of women) enjoy it, and I don't think you'll be very successful asking him not to watch it. You have a good sex life so I really wouldn't worry about it too much.

LegacyUser

Ok pornstars get paid for sex, therefore they are all prostitutes. Not only do they get paid for sex, they allow themselves to be demeaned and degraded by allowing themselves to be filmed, making them sluts.
I am generally not insecure as I get a lot of attention from men and I am generally happy with my body, but when men get off on looking at porn, they are getting off by way of another woman- the prostitute on screen, so in that way I see it as a form of cheating.
My boyfriend now knows how hurtful it is to me when he watches porn and promises not to do it again, if he did look at porn again, I would have to dump him I think..

Virgil°

Unregistered wrote: »

My boyfriend now knows how hurtful it is to me when he watches porn and promises not to do it again, if he did look at porn again, I would have to dump him I think..

You might as well dump him now if thats the case, save him and yourself time in the process.

LegacyUser

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. I would sometimes watch porn with my boyf and i am not even a little bit depraved. Sex is normal release between consenting adults and its not dirty or disgusting regardless of its context. Its just a matter of taste. I wonder is your fear of porn down to ignorance about its content? Would you watch a little with your boyf and whether you find it a turn on or not you'll see that its fairly funny! Some of it is so ridiculous that its lol funny!!

And you may plan on dumping your boyf if he does this again but thats ridiculous..........good luck to you finding a man that doesn't enjoy porn!!

Though i rarely watch porn i have a good laugh slagging my boyf about what he's been doing when i've been away.

And whoever said that porn and mastarbation aren't linked....................cop on!

dearg lady

Unregistered wrote: »

Ok pornstars get paid for sex, therefore they are all prostitutes. Not only do they get paid for sex, they allow themselves to be demeaned and degraded by allowing themselves to be filmed, making them sluts.

I'm sorry, I would have to disagree with this, i don't see how it is demeaning and degrading. YOU may find it demeaning and degrading but don't assume to know how every porn star feels about her work. And what of the men?

Unregistered wrote: »

am generally not insecure as I get a lot of attention from men and I am generally happy with my body, but when men get off on looking at porn, they are getting off by way of another woman- the prostitute on screen, so in that way I see it as a form of cheating.
My boyfriend now knows how hurtful it is to me when he watches porn and promises not to do it again, if he did look at porn again, I would have to dump him I think..

Have you never fantasised about another man, a celebrity or something, or even just some fictional hottie who turns you on? Most people do this, and it's pure fantasy and quite natural.

I just feel that in an other wise good relationship this shouldn't be a cause to break up.

Otis Driftwood

Unregistered wrote: »

Ok pornstars get paid for sex, therefore they are all prostitutes.

Are we still in the 1970s?:rolleyes:

Porn stars are not prostitutes.

Prostitutes accept money from one individual for the sole purpose of that persons sexual gratification.

Porn stars are both paid to appear/perform/act in these movies.

Would you consider Jennifer Aniston to be a prostitute?

She gets paid to play a charactor on screen,same as porn stars do.

Porn stars just happen to have sex on screen,thats the only difference.

If you arent into porn thats fine,some people are,some people arent but please refrain from making such ridiculous statements about something you clearly have no knowledge of.

As for your boyfriend promising to never watch porn again,maybe he is telling you the truth or maybe he will just remember to delete his browser history in future.;)

And to say you would consider dumping him if you found out he had viewed it again is not a very nice thing to say,if you honestly mean that,I feel sorry for him.

Liam Byrne

Here's an interesting corollary that just struck me.

These people who - as entitled to their view as they might be - view porn as wrong because it's "degrading" - doing something objectionable for other people's entertainment.

Personally, I reckon all of the people who appear in those ridiculous "reality" TV shows where people eat things that make them sick, or do ridiculous and pointless "tasks" in order to get food, are "degrading" themselves far more.

At least sex is something that can be fun, while those shows get them to do stuff that isn't even remotely useful or fun.

e.g. I'd potentially have sex with someone, no bother; but I wouldn't eat live maggots or stick my hand into elephant **** for ANYONE; I'd tell them to f**k off there and then!

But - ironically - people who complain about porn will probably sit down at prime-time and watch that "reality" rubbish; getting their kicks from those people degrading themselves for "entertainment" (well, it's called that, but I'd disagree).

So my point is that stuff that's somehow viewed as "acceptable" is FAR more degrading.

And I'd be more likely to dump them over watching that rubbish than over them viewing porn.

pookie82

That's a very interesting observation Liam!!! Well said.