Is she too demanding/controlling?

LegacyUser

Im 22 and was going out with a girl who's 20 for the past 18 months. Broke up about 2 months ago but we've been seeing each other for the last month. This is my first serious relationship but its her third.

Basically since last christmas its been very patchy. We've been arguing quite a bit on an off, but it nearly always stems from the same 2 things. Firstly, she's constantly at me for not being romantic enough. Im not really much of a romantic, but in my defense im very vocal with her about how much I love her. However, she says im not spontaneous enough. For instance whenever we argue about it she mentions that Ive never brought her flowers. I may never have brought her flowers but i have given her several surprise presents in the past for no reason other than to show her my love. I'll admit that they havent been very regular though. I would like to spoil her a bit more, but i lost my job in April and I have no dole or anything. My mum might throw me 20 euro every now an again but thats it. She says that it doesnt have to cost money though. However, in June when she was doing her exams I just printed her off a little card from one of those websites to wish her luck. Later that night we had the typical argument about me not being romantic enough and I mentioned the card an she said "yea, a card that you bloody printed off yourself for free!". Another instance was valentines day (which i dont believe in, but was prepared to celebrate it for her sake). We had intended on goin out for dinner that night, but I got tonsillitis that weekend so was in no fit state. So she came up to mine and I gave her a card and promised id take her out when i got better. She did the usual thing where she gets in a strop an goes all quiet, and it takes me the guts of an hour to get somethin out of her, an just wudnt accept that I was sick an thats why we didnt have much of a celebration, she prefers to think that its cause i dont care.

The second thing we argue about is how much time we spend with each other. I think she is especially unfair and controlling when it comes to this. Im doin a masters at the moment and have still manage to see her 5 out of 7 days a week on average(because i want to of course). We spend loads of time together, but when it comes down to me doing stuff in other parts of my life, she just cant accept it. Now in her defense there was probably a lot of times where she was in the right, but there have been quite a number of times where in my opinion she has been taking the p*** to be honest. For instance just before we broke up, we had seen each other everyday for the past 5 days. On the friday night i mentioned that a friend was having the lads down for cans the following night an that id probably be going. She flips out and says that im basically picking them over her, and sayin that if i go down its proof that I dont want to spend time with her. Another time i was meant to go to a 21st of a friend of hers that in fairness i ahd known about for ages. I found out on the night of it that my best mates little sister was also havin a 21st that night. So i went to my GF's friends first an stayed there for a few hours and then left an went to my friends little sisters 21st. The next day my GF DUMPED ME an said i had picked my mates little sis over her (it was my GF's mates 21st not hers!) Sure even lastnight somehting similar happened. Im writing a thesis at the moment so havent been able to see her as much as i usually would. i was texting her lastnight an told her i was playin a football match. She wnet mad sayin "oh so u can go play football but not meet up with me!"



I know this is a bit of a rant, but the reason I posted this is because im at a point where i need to make a decision. She claims that this is what girls are like, and she has a better idea than me of what a relationship should be like because, unlike me, this isnt her first proper one.

Is this something that a lot of guys just put up with? or is she being unreasonable? If I do decide to give it another proper go, how can i make her more relaxed?

Perhaps someone could shed a female light on this? Can u see where she's coming from?

Any help greatly appreciated!

Monkey61

Is she too demanding and controlling? YES

If she thinks that this is how girls behave then she either has really awful friends or just a horribly low opinion on women in general. The only way to deal with that kind of behaviour is not to put up with it. Just say no "tonight I need to spend some time with my friends/by myself"

Everybody needs time to themselves and with their friends and anyone who suggests otherwise is needy, insecure and possibly a bit boring as well.

Yes she has been in a few relationships before - all of which ended, you might like to remind her.

puglover

First off none of her relationships have lasted so she obviously isn't an expert on the matter.

Look I'm a female, and that is not just how girls are. She sounds like a spoiled brat and I think you must have the patience of a saint to put up with it for so long.

It might be something she grows out of eventually but I can't see that happening anytime soon. I hate to say it but if I were you I'd be getting rid.

She sounds a bit psycho/spoilt brat/bunny boiler

you sound very lucky to be rid of her

I'd say it's fairly clear why it's her third "serious" relationship at the age of 20, and it's not because she's an expert of any sort

Sephiroth_dude

Not only is she demanding and controlling she also sounds high maintainance.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies. I'm a little worried I may have been a bit bias now though! I dont think i have been, but theres no way for her to say how she sees it.

My head really says end it, but of course my heart says no.

I'm particulalrly interested to see peoples opinion on the thing about her mates an my mates little sisters 21st? This is somethin we argued about for weeks after. Partly my fault because i just wouldnt let go of my principles, which kind of raises a new point, is it ok to stick to your guns like that if deep down u kno ur right? Or for the sake of the relationship shud u let go an pretend to agree with your OH? I was always scared that if I did that then in future she wud use it against me(ie say i had admitted to treatin her badly) an also in other arguments expect me to back down.

puglover

Frustratedbf wrote: »

I'm particulalrly interested to see peoples opinion on the thing about her mates an my mates little sisters 21st? This is somethin we argued about for weeks after. Partly my fault because i just wouldnt let go of my principles, which kind of raises a new point, is it ok to stick to your guns like that if deep down u kno ur right? Or for the sake of the relationship shud u let go an pretend to agree with your OH? I was always scared that if I did that then in future she wud use it against me(ie say i had admitted to treatin her badly) an also in other arguments expect me to back down.

You don't have to pretend to agree. Just agree to disagree and let it go, it doesn't have to be brought up again and again.

Colonel_McCoy

Simple answer Yes...........

Adamisconfused

Frustratedbf wrote: »

My head really says end it, but of course my heart says no.

Let your brain do the thinking. It's what its there for.

You sound as if you are really whipped and under the thumb of this girl. If she said half of that stuff to me, I’d have laughed in her face and ended it on the spot.
You can’t be happy with her. She’s definitely controlling and maybe even a little bit loopy.

Contessa Raven

I am female and I can honestly say that I want my boyfriend to spend time with his friends. It's not healthy to want to spend every waking moment with one person. Also, it's important for your sanity (as I'm sure you're aware) for you to see your friends and relax without all the nagging about romance and when you'll see eachother next.

Do you stop her from seeing her friends? I very much doubt you do. And if you did she'd most definitely have something to say about it I'd bet!

Just sit her down and explain in a calm and friendly manner that your friends were a part of your life before her and that you need to spend time with them regularly for your own self worth/happiness/sanity.

She'll either get the message or she'll get in a big huff about it. If she does then you know what to do. Dump her. She sounds like she wants someone who adores her and bows to her every whim!

As for you not spending enough money - there is a recession and like you said you haven't a job atm. If she hasn't the cop on to see that she's being unreasonable then I dunno what planet she's on. I love it when my OH surprises me with handmade presents (I prefer them to bought things because I know all his time and thought went into it!) and she should count herself lucky you bother to take the time to make her these things.

Wagon

Frustratedbf wrote: »

She claims that this is what girls are like, and she has a better idea than me of what a relationship should be like because, unlike me, this isnt her first proper one.

Ask her why she thinks the last two relationships ended...
She is a muppet mate. Stop shagging her and find a woman, not a girl.

pookie82

Frustratedbf wrote: »

Firstly, she's constantly at me for not being romantic enough. Im not really much of a romantic, but in my defense im very vocal with her about how much I love her. However, she says im not spontaneous enough. For instance whenever we argue about it she mentions that Ive never brought her flowers. I may never have brought her flowers but i have given her several surprise presents in the past for no reason other than to show her my love. I'll admit that they havent been very regular though. I would like to spoil her a bit more, but i lost my job in April and I have no dole or anything. My mum might throw me 20 euro every now an again but thats it. She says that it doesnt have to cost money though. However, in June when she was doing her exams I just printed her off a little card from one of those websites to wish her luck. Later that night we had the typical argument about me not being romantic enough and I mentioned the card an she said "yea, a card that you bloody printed off yourself for free!". Another instance was valentines day (which i dont believe in, but was prepared to celebrate it for her sake). We had intended on goin out for dinner that night, but I got tonsillitis that weekend so was in no fit state. So she came up to mine and I gave her a card and promised id take her out when i got better. She did the usual thing where she gets in a strop an goes all quiet, and it takes me the guts of an hour to get somethin out of her, an just wudnt accept that I was sick an thats why we didnt have much of a celebration, she prefers to think that its cause i dont care.

Just on the romance note. A lot of women seem to have a pre-thought out notion of how all relationships should be these days and if their boyfriends don't act like the mates' boyfriends or the guys on tv, they feel hard done by and demand specific gestures of affection. Classic example being that despite your frequent gift giving and gestures of affection, she deems it unworthy unless it's flowers. A preconceived notion of what romance is in her head with specific outcomes. This is unreasonable.

You have admitted that you're not naturally romantic, but it sounds like you do very romantic things all the time for her. printing off the card is, to me, more romantic than picking a generic card up for a fiver in the newsagents with a pre-printed message typed onto it already. her notions of what's "romantic" seem to be tied in with spending money and it being a certain type of gift.

My boyfriend doesn't do valentines day. Can't stand it. I'm quite illogical when it comes to that - I like to celebrate it and the first year we were together I felt very hard done by because i didn't get a card. Then I realised that he's not a guy who conforms to being romantic when it's asked of him by society. he will however do lots of little things for me all the time which are far more indicative of REALLY loving me, and I have come to realise that this is more important. Would I like to be wined and dined and laden with flowers and chocolates all the time?? Sure, what girl wouldn't? But I've learned that real life romance is a lot more about the little things and less about the grand gestures which are demanded by society. Sounds to me like if you stay with this girl you'll have a lifetime of living up to her materialistic standards and will have to buy flowers/splash out on a regular basis to satify her. And that's just silly.

My two cents worth anyway.

LegacyUser

Contessa Raven wrote: »

Just sit her down and explain in a calm and friendly manner that your friends were a part of your life before her and that you need to spend time with them regularly for your own self worth/happiness/sanity.

She'll either get the message or she'll get in a big huff about it. If she does then you know what to do. Dump her. She sounds like she wants someone who adores her and bows to her every whim!

Ive tried saying it to her countless times in a calm friendly matter. Most of the time she agrees an says she wants me to see my friends etc. But it all goes out the window once I actually do something with them, unless she's busy herself.

Thats exactly it she openly says she wants someone to treat her like a princess.

Contessa Raven wrote: »

As for you not spending enough money - there is a recession and like you said you haven't a job atm. If she hasn't the cop on to see that she's being unreasonable then I dunno what planet she's on. .

This is by far the worst thing. I mean i hate not having money and ive applied for at least 30 jobs since i lost my old job an had a couple of interviews but no joy, so u can imagine its frustrating enough without having to endure a rant every week about not being able to do something together an me never having money etc.

Thanks for all the replies, things are a lot clearer now.

LegacyUser

the 21 st thing...totally fine that you went to the 2nd one! However, maybe if you had gone to your mate's sisters one first and then went to her friends one it might have worked out better.

She might have felt less ..i don't know.. abandoned??!! not that you did abandon her but maybe that's how she felt.

may have been her friends party but you were there for her.

corkimp

Frustratedbf wrote: »

My head really says end it, but of course my heart says no.

I'm particulalrly interested to see peoples opinion on the thing about her mates an my mates little sisters 21st? This is somethin we argued about for weeks after. Partly my fault because i just wouldnt let go of my principles, which kind of raises a new point, is it ok to stick to your guns like that if deep down u kno ur right? Or for the sake of the relationship shud u let go an pretend to agree with your OH? I was always scared that if I did that then in future she wud use it against me(ie say i had admitted to treatin her badly) an also in other arguments expect me to back down.

If she has had that many "real" relationships - how many not so real ones has she had? they all prob endedcos of the same reason - her being unreasonable and demanding. now before i continue - one question - what happens when she wants to go out with her mates? how does she act to you then?
It seems like she wants you to do as she says - she clicks her fingers, you come running. tell her that yes you are for her but her constant demands for attention are getting overpowering -- tell her no doubt she likes some alone time/time with mates and you do too. Also you have college work - you want to be able to do your masters and get a good job. Organise a schedule with her - maybe 2 nights a week with mates, maybe you, her and some mates another night and some quality time - that is if you both agree -dont let her demand stuff.
as for gifts - its the thought that counts - not the price tag - a bit materialistic isn't she?
ref the party - yiu have every right to go to your mates sis' you knew them long before her and her mates - it was her mate yes - but you don't have to be at her beck and call.
not all girls are like this - so if you do decide enough is enough - plenty of girls out there the deserve u