Will i be ok?

LegacyUser

Hi All,

I have been trying to get my head around the fact that i am now a 25year old single mum. I have been in a horrific relationship that ended last monday but i know should never have been. My ex was a bully, mean and abusive (verbally) and it's the age old, i tried to make it work because we have a child together scenario. I did love him, but i got stringed along alot, no commitment on his part unless i was starting to drift.
The thing is that i have been a complete and utter fool for this man for years, put up with the fact that he did nothing around my house, wouldn't lift a finger to help with cooking, cleaning, shopping, anything. He wouldn't even live with me and our daughter, he literally just came over every evening after work and sat on my couch, complained, ate my food, messed up the house etc. (acted like a child)
I knew it was wrong but he would tell me he loved me and wanted nothing more than for us to be a family when it suited. I believed him and i thought things would change over time I was young having my daughter, and living far from home and family and therefore had no support outside of him and his family, i think that's how it started.
Anyway, he dumped me on monday on the basis that he is sick of me complaining, asking him to do stuff, go to counseling, work on 'us' and just be nice to me once in a while etc, which tbh im ok with because i actually think i hate him inside. But now i am realising that after years of this kind of abuse and just being used, i am petrified that i will end up in a similar situation again.
I am a strong out-going confident person in work and social life, but had become such a shell at home, and now i am afraid that it has changed me forever.
I am nowhere near ready to meet someone as i cant stop crying at the moment, he keeps telling me (since he dumped me on monday) that i am unstable, depressed and cant cope but i am just shocked at how mean he is being toward me now (he dumped me!)...
But i just want to know if anyone has been in a similar situation and come out the far side ok?
I am trying to avoid him which is hard as we have a child tying us together but i need to get away from him for good this time. He is fine btw(shock)
I want to meet someone and have a healthy loving relationship eventually, i am a good person but i just feel like i let myself be so used and manipulated for so long that it will happen again.
Any thoughts appreciated but please just be nice as i am putting the simple version up and it has been quite a long and painful 4 years and i am very hurt.
Thanks.

_blank_

One thing for you to remember.

Not all men are like that.

You need to take a while to "get over" this relationship. Don't go out and get pissed. Have the girls over, have a few glasses of wine and just have a good aul girls night in. See if someone will mind the little one for the night(your mam maybe, sister, cousin, something like that).

You say he keeps telling you things. Well, stop taking his calls. If he comes to the house, don't let him in.

You don't need to go out and meet someone straight away. You are only 25. I met my gf when she was in her early 30s, so you do have all that time to take care of yourself, let the child grow up and you'd have even more freedom to get back out there.

This bloke is going to have to be a part of your life at least until the little girl is 15/16, most probably 18 though. You have to get used to that. You are going to have to sit down and come to some arrangement about access for him (once he is contributing to her upkeep). Do that either with a third party present (one or both parents), or with counsellors or solicitors. If you need to, tell him you'll drop the child to his mam's when he's not there, and he can see her there, and be gone when you are coming back. Something like that.

_blank_

Oh, and in answer to the question in the thread title.

You say you are a strong, confident outgoing person.

I think you'll be fine

Taltos

Hi OP.

All I can say that next to your daughter this is the best present he has ever given you.

Under NO circumstances take him back. He has given you the perfect out - so take it and celebrate it.
It is no surprise you are crying and doubting yourself - you have been through total hell and in all honesty you deserve a sainthood...

So take time for you and your daughter - get all of this guys crap out of your life and put some structure around his access and responsibilities to your daughter.

It does get better. I work with a girl who went thru something similar a few yrs ago - around a yr later she met a great guy who she is now with. I can really see the difference in her - outgoing; positive and self-confident.

It might just take you some time and you will have your off days. But maybe see if you can find someone to talk to.
Just keep this waste of space away and again well done for dropping the dead-weight

meditraitor

Des wrote: »

One thing for you to remember.

Not all men are like that.

.

+10000000000000000000000

If you can get your head around this you will be fine, you know what a real cvnt is now so you should spot them a mile away.

Good luck with the future

blairbear

First off, I'm so glad you got out of that awful, destructive relationship. Congratulations. He was nothing but a total drain on your confidence and self esteem and your personality even. You are very well rid of him.

Secondly, DON'T GO BACK TO HIM. He's obviously a very manipulative man if he's managed to string you along for such a long time. He'll get lonely and bored very soon and maybe start promising you different things and pretending to have changed. He won't change. This is his fundamental personailty. He'll stay the same for the rest of his life. That's his lot and punishment in life; having to live in his own unhappy head.

When I was 21 (and very naive), I had a year long relationship with a similar kind of man, an absolute bully who would emotionally torture me, sent my self esteem into the doldrums, wouldn't do the tiniest thing for me, never put himself out in anyway for me, called me names constantly, told me I was schizophrenic, depressed, bipolar or a combination of all three, would shout at me incessantly until I regularly ended up cowering in the corner of my room, terrified while he yelled at me. But I got out. It took me a long time and I had a few false starts but I got away.

After a couple of weeks the fog cleared mentally and I realised exactly how dreadful he was to me. I was totally shocked at what I'd put up with. You seem to be getting to that point now. I felt like I'd lost a huge part of myself and my trust in others to him. To get it back, I began to put the main emphasis in terms of relationships onto my friendships and worked hard on them. I took way more interest in college. I did things that were good for me. You've been indulging this relationship for so long and it was so bad for you, so now's the time to start doing things that actually enhance your life. When you do this, your self esteem actually soars. Believe me, you'll never let someone treat you so badly again if you feel good about yourself.

Hope that helps a teeny bit. Good luck OP. Being 25 and a single mum is totally fine and very normal. You'll fall in love again if you want to, and if you start being good to yourself first.

LegacyUser

I feel for you i really do, and i also think that you will begin to feel a lot worse than this before you will begin to feel better,, in a few weeks do not question if this is the right thing for you (IT IS),, it will get easier,, my sister has similar situation as you, he was very physically abusive, so she left him several times and kept going back,, eventually the final blow didnt come from his fist - it was that he called her a fat ugly tellytubby,, (she had just given birth to a child and was by no means overweight, but had gained a few pounds since the pregnancy) she is coping very well now as im sure you will to,, she is only 22 and a single mother and is now stong enough to ignore all his txts/calls saying he wants her back,,, id imagine this guy will do this to you aswell but try and be strong for the sake of your child, this is not the type of environment you would want to raise them in,,,


best of luck to you
xxx

LegacyUser

Thank you all for being so positive. It is really really nice to hear just positive words. I dont reall have anyone to talk to it about, I cant tell my family that i am upset or what he's done as they hate him and would kill me for having gotten involved with him, i kept the amount of time we spent together a bit of a secret from family as they havent wanted me to have anything to do with him, same with friends and work.
I was only in contact with him this week over email as i have been very upset and have no family within a 2 hour drive of where i live so i aked him to take her for a night, this was his opportunity to tell me i am unstable etc, it's just because i dont want to cry in front of her, she asks where her dad is and i start crying and then she gets upset and its not fair on either of us, and since he is fine i thought he might help out a bit, just this week.
We have a formal arrangement re: access and maintenance which is fine but i just thought he might do me a favour this week, you know, just gimme a break, he wouldn't though, had a 'work night out' tonight and told me to deal with it so i am. i hate being upset in front of her but its hard to hide and she gets upset.
I do think that i will look at guys and be watching for any sign though and that i will run, i cant imagine any guy making the effort to help me get over these fears. I just dont understand why you would want to treat someone so badly (i know i let him, but why do it?)
Ye are right, i need to stay away from ex, the fact that he will be in my life for next 20 years is sad but true.
I just dont want this to affect my relationships in future, i dont want to be 'damaged goods' so to speak as i do have so much to give someone, i hope.

Taltos

Is there any chance you can move closer to home.
Just wondering what is holding you there - if you have no ties move.
He is not a tie - he is the father and some arrangement re visitation will have to be arranged and his relationship with his daughter should not suffer - but if you need help then now is the time to reach out to family.

Again - congrats on escaping this prat. Family member only saw the light last yr after the best part of 20 yrs. We all could see it but she was blind to the nutter. TG her own kids opened her eyes. She is recovering and you will too. Just stay strong and ignore everything he says to you.

Try to find something to focus on.
I do hope though that you are keeping a record of visits; money received; rejected requests for help - just in case this should ever turn nasty. I am not trying to scare you but he sounds from what you have said like a bully so best to be prepared.

p.s. as a poster above said - he will come crawling back - with all the promises in the world. Don't believe him.

nesbitt

I was in an abusive relationship and happily got out of it little over a year ago. I totally agree that this man will try to come back in your life to use and abuse you again. You must not go back to him and enable him to do this you will make a total mockery of yourself. Please try to move closer to family and friends you will need all the support you can get in this difficult time. However please don't look on this situation as being 'dumped' by this man but somehow released from the dreadful ordeal that was your relationship with him.

Booswig

The fact that you realized that he was a abusing you, and had the guts to finally leave indicates that you are stronger than what you think. The problem with a relationship like that is that one becomes in a weird way attached to the company, and him being there. Your daughter also makes things more difficult, as the motherly instinct tells you that she needs a daughter. Thing is, his behaviour could cause more damage to your daughter in the long term, he will not change.

It is the best thing that you did to leave. You will get over him and with time you will meet some-one else. Some-one far more suited for you and your daughter.

LegacyUser

Hi All, Taltos, you are right, i have thought about moving to dublin to get away as i could get a job there but the cost of childcare etc would crush me, and i'd have no help at all there. but i couldnt move home as there are no jobs in the industry i work there. i have a good job here so i stay. I am trying to succeed at that as it is something to keep my independance, at least financially i dont depend on him but it does tie me to my location.
i have been so upset (and i hate to admit this as it sounds terrible) but i have thought of moving and leaving my daughter with him, not because i want to be away from her (i could come back at weekends), please dont slate me for saying it, i havent done it but i was trying to think of ways to make things better, but just because he hurts me so much and i hate her seeing him treat me like a doormat, i dont want her to ever be treated like he treats me and i dont like her seeing it...
And she loves him so much, always talking about him which is great for her, but it's hard because i am the bad guy all the time, i have to be, as he just acts like a kid too, so he's the fun one in her eyes... but sometimes i think she's be happier with him. I havent done it, and wont because i would miss her too much, but it is sheer desperation.
I think i might try counseling, at least from the feedback here, i am starting to feel a bit more positive and probably need to find someone to talk to who isnt going to say 'we told you to he was bad news' as this time, i really need to and want to and that is not helpful.
I just really dont understand why he wanted to hurt me so much, why he wouldn't want it to work, or even try to treat me like a human being? I;ve asked him a 100 times over, to just try to be nice to me, offer to make dinner even a cup of tea...
Is that about love, or just general behavior, even if i didnt love it i could never live like that.
We were a young couple with a kid, struggling in a number of areas, why make our lives harder i dont know!!! When our daughter was a year old, he bought an apartment, a batchelor style city centre apartment and moved his best friend in while i could barely make rent...
I think i am resting my own case here, but i just cant stop crying over it, i have no idea why!?! Thanks for advice all it is much appreciated and i think hearing that people know people who have been through this is good (not that people went through it but that they came out the other side)...

blairbear

OP, there's no point trying to understand him. Some people are inherently thoughtless, selfish and nasty. He may have a personality disorder in fact. It's completely inhuman NOT to want your other half to be happy and comfortable. I mean he wouldn't even make you a lousy cup of tea. What kind of a horrible person wouldn't even think to do something as basic as that?

I would implore you not to leave your daughter with him, for various reasons. Firstly his tie to you and hold over you would be far greater then. Also if he treated you with such cruelty and disdain, what's stopping him from eventually doing the same to your daughter? He'll bully her too, in time.
Your self esteem is so low as a result of his nastiness you don't even believe that your daughter would be better off with her loving mum. That's his fault. You can completely do this. Things may be difficult initially but imagine how much your life will improve emotionally, not always crying and upset and living in fear of what thoughtless thing he'll do next.

Seriously hun, believe in yourself.

Skapoot

Some people are sadists- theres nothing they enjoy more than making someone feel like ****.

Also theres that saying that you only have to give somebody power to see what theyre really like. Because you were emotionally attached to this guy- he had power over you and he's used it in a horrible way. I know you feel bad that he broke up with you but I'm so glad you're out of that relationship.

I have little experience compared to yours. Only been with an abusive guy for two months. It was horrible. And I thought I was in the wrong when he treated me like **** all the time. I promise you, you will look back and realise how lucky you are someday, to have him out of your life.

Do not take him back. For your daughters sake. She will be imitating your behaviour as she grows up. So if you date an abusive guy, chances are she will go for the same.

it says that people keep going to for the same type of person all the time.

How about this time, when making a choice about a new man you would like to date, ask yourself, if you would be 100percent comfortable with your daughter(when she grows up) dating a guy like this. If not, stay far away.

I know you're going to find a nice guy soon. Karma!x

LegacyUser

Well you guys were right, i had my phone off last night (just trying toget some spece/ cry it out) and he was out on a work night out, the one he couldn't help me out for...
I turned phone on on my way to work and two texts from him - 'we need to sort this out, the fighting is ridiculous' and second - 'love to hate, hate to love'.I turned my phone back off as dont know what to say.
I know this is probably a stupid question, but what do i do now, i am completely confused and the huge 'does he mean it this time?' question is swimming around my head, should i give it a chance?, will i forever regret it when my daughter asks why mommy and daddy dont live together?
I think i will be jumping back on the merry-go-round, but i just dont know how to break the cycle, i dont want to be someone's slave, i want an equal, a partner in crime so to speak.
If anyone has a friend, or friend of friend, a bit of advice on how to break the cycle and stay away would be much appreciated.
I dont know how he will react if i dont text back (i would have done all the times before).
I know this may sound stupid to some people, but it's hard to see the right course of action when clouded by emotion and i am very confused. he doesn't want me, treats me like a piece of s***, why wont he just go away now, he's free...

Taltos

So many different things drive people like this that you might never understand why he was so mean to you.
At a really high level - normally it is all about making themselves feel better in some way, you know feeding off the power or the knowledge that they have dominance over another person.
So - if he is driven like this pls think long and hard about giving him your daughter. He might treat her ok (we really do not know him), but unconsciously or even consciously he might seek to mould her in the shape he wants her to be. (I've seen this but cannot say more on it incase it tips folk who know me who I am).

I am glad you are thinking about counselling. If it does not work though pls seek another counsellor - I have seen a few comments on boards from people saying it never worked. You have to commit to it - and just as importantly your counsellor needs to be right for you...

As to crying - that is perfectly natural.
In a way you are going through a period of mourning. Not the death of a partner or lover - but the death of the life you thought you were going to have. Now some of these tears could even be tears of secret joy - but knowing how we have all been programmed here in Ireland - you then probably feel guilty about these feelings don't. But also try to slowly move on, let yourself mourn but don't allow yourself to dwell. This will instill doubts and fears that this freak will use against you. Actually be ready for him to do his utmost to get you to breakdown and then he will tell everyone you are having a nervous breakdown and for her own safety he will need to take your daughter....

Yes - some people are just plain evil / messed up - but there are many others out there who are wonderful. Now that you are away from him and you can recognise the signs - you will meet someone else. Someone who really loves you for you and will treat you and your daughter like you deserve to be treated. So the sooner you learn to cope with all these emotions and how to effectively deal with his comments and behaviour the sooner you can get out there and enjoy yourself.

Just wish my sis had seen the light all those yrs ago.

p.s. You Rock
Well done and keep and moving forward....

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

Thank you all for being so positive. It is really really nice to hear just positive words. I dont reall have anyone to talk to it about, I cant tell my family that i am upset or what he's done as they hate him and would kill me for having gotten involved with him, i kept the amount of time we spent together a bit of a secret from family as they havent wanted me to have anything to do with him, same with friends and work.
I was only in contact with him this week over email as i have been very upset and have no family within a 2 hour drive of where i live so i aked him to take her for a night, this was his opportunity to tell me i am unstable etc, it's just because i dont want to cry in front of her, she asks where her dad is and i start crying and then she gets upset and its not fair on either of us, and since he is fine i thought he might help out a bit, just this week.
We have a formal arrangement re: access and maintenance which is fine but i just thought he might do me a favour this week, you know, just gimme a break, he wouldn't though, had a 'work night out' tonight and told me to deal with it so i am. i hate being upset in front of her but its hard to hide and she gets upset.
I do think that i will look at guys and be watching for any sign though and that i will run, i cant imagine any guy making the effort to help me get over these fears. I just dont understand why you would want to treat someone so badly (i know i let him, but why do it?)
Ye are right, i need to stay away from ex, the fact that he will be in my life for next 20 years is sad but true.
I just dont want this to affect my relationships in future, i dont want to be 'damaged goods' so to speak as i do have so much to give someone, i hope.

Hi OP - I thing you are doing well so far. Forget the 'damaged goods' nonsense and realise that this is not about you.... it was about HIM. HIM being an a**hole ok ?

However you make a good point in fearing for your next choice of man. This is a real risk. Women who chose this kind of man OFTEN do it again and again. It is a difficult thing to break out of and the first thing I suggest is for you to stay single for a while while you detox from him and get an opportunity to reflect on what it was that attracted you to him, what it was that turned you off other guys etc. Are you attracted to 'bad boys'... do you find 'nice guys' boring ?.... etc etc. I would hate for you to drift into a repeat of this ...

Best of luck.