How to go from fb to gf

LegacyUser

Ok so the title isnt completely true.

Background. I met this fella who is nearly 35 about 7 years ago. I am 29 now. We were friends and thats all for approx 2-3 years. We would ring each other call over to each other etc.

One night out we were hammered drunk in copper face jacks no less. when we came home, we slept together.

Since then its been a regular thing even though i have since told him so he knows i love him now and have told him so over the years. He keeps saying we are just friends and that he doesnt want a relationship, that we are not right for each other and that we are not compatible etc. I have went 6-9 months withholding sex to see if he will come round but i love him so much that he seems to end up pulling all the right strings and what ya know we are back in bed together.

I even went two months no contact to see how that would work and he kept ringing and texting me, wanting to meet up and sort things out. HE told me he cared about me etc but doesnt want anything more.

We talk on the phone all the time (like most days), about family stuff, personal stuff and know basically the inns and outs of each others lives so its not all just about the sex.

We have never put a fb title on our "relationship@ either but im sure thats what it prob looks like to some.

I know he always liked slim girls so i have even slimmed down thinking that might be the problem.

Is there any thing more i can do or is this just a lost cause case that im clinging on to. I feel i have invested so much of my time and life on this fella and dont know what to do anymore. Do i need to do the no contact thing for good. This is breaking my heart.

Any advice appreciated.

muboop1

Put the foot down woman.

You either need this relationship to be going somewhere or you cut him from your life!

Hes getting to good a deal out of this!

All the perks of having a gf, with none of the bad points! Hes still single and free, no commitments. Sex on demand, someone there for him when he needs etc...

You need to sit him down and tell him the truth...

That you cant do this anymore! its all or nothing! Gf or never see you again...

And honestly, for your own self esteem, self respect... happiness!
If he wont go out with you after that convo, you need to finish with him.

You deserve to fall in love with someone who will love you back, or at least try to. With someone who like you wants a commitment.

If he isn't giving you this... you need to get over him and find someone who will!

Best of luck with you OP

Taltos

Look at it this way.
While you are so invested in this guy - what hope do you have in meeting someone you could spend the rest of your life with?

Face it - he is using you - getting what he wants.
While you have to settle....

Do you really want to be 10yrs down the line telling him that it is all or nothing - while he goes - "what again....???"

Oh The Humanity

Hmm seems like you have started making this guy 'do' because he is in front of you. Remember he is only one person out of millions, there are plenty like it out there!

Also, don't be casting your pearls before swine.
He has said to your face you're never gonna be his girlfriend so accept that and gather your pride together and get a bloke who will want the whole package with you and have the wow factor with you, not just 'he'll do'.

If someone doesn't want to graduate a FB to GF/BF there is usually a good reason why not. It will usually be something the person can't change, so I imagine thats why he is not telling you.

Also you haven't valued yourself here by accepting these half measures so he is not gonna value you either, so the 'switch' is less possible.

A FB is a filler, someone you use (by mutual agreement) until something 'WOW' comes along. Something better. If you start forgetting that and start building castles on sand, you are going outside the agreement and forcing the person into a situation they did not sign up for. Maybe asking 'why, why, why?' and then they can't tell you as they will be accused of being cruel !!

While you are giving him all your time and energy the right guy for you can't get near. So put him on rations to suit yourself until something better comes along if you need the sex.

But clear 5 nights a week where he can't call. Don't answer him. Or get a different phone for the rest of your life he doesn't know about.
Him doing all the calling and running when you pull away means nothing more than he is trying to ensure his backup (you) is convenient and available as usual.

If you're not available as usual don't just say it, do it. Routine is hard to break but break it you must. You have to reduce the amount of time you are giving him and increase the amount of time where you are doing other stuff and can meet someone better.

When you meet someone better you will be able to drop this guy.

LegacyUser

OP, just a word of caution.

I was in a relationship like this with a guy for 6 years. I was absolutely in love with him - he didn't want a 'relationship', but loved me and we slept together. Yet I could never introduce him as my boyfriend or partner, we were always just 'friends', because that's the way he wanted it.

I'm now 43 and single because guess what? Last year my 'friend' met the 'most amazing woman in the world', dumped me and is now engaged to be married later this year.

So here I am, having wasted almost 7yrs on someone that (as another poster says) was just waiting on someone better to come along, but kept me as his 'back-up' for all that time.

Men like this won't change, and the behaviour will continue because you allow it.

So don't waste anymore time on this guy or you may end up like me...over the hill and single !

LegacyUser

Op here.

Thanks for your replies.

I cant believe i have let myself carry on like this for so long. I felt that at some point we would just become a couple.

I dont want to use him until i meet someone. I want all or nothing. I was just hoping there was some way of been moved from the fb to the gf category.

I have sat down and talked about it with him on a few occasions but i guess its just not going to happen. I think its time to go cold turkey on this.

Again thanks for your replies.

OP