Girls and phoning, texting, emailing, etc

LegacyUser

I wasn't sure whether to post in PI or RI about this, but mods can move if I got it wrong.

I am a guy, 26, and have had a couple of relationships break down over my need for time away from texts, phone calls, emails, Facebook, Bebo, Twitter, IMing, and all the rest. It seem that girls seem to want to be in touch with you in one way or another every single hour of the day, and the more they get to know about you (phone number, IM username) the worse the bombardment gets. My last gf was lovely and we got along brilliantly in person, but it reached the point where I had to start making excuses (my phone battery died, my internet was out) just to try to get a few hours away. We could be on the phone for an hour, then 5 minutes later she would text to say thanks for the talk, and then would just not stop texting back and texting back and texting back. If I tried to stop by just not responding, it would be "Are u ok?" or "Is everything alright?" till I replied again, and then off she would go some more. By the end I was ready to chuck the mobile in the Liffey. I'm an outgoing guy normally but I also like to sit and read a book now and again and just think about things. I really need my quiet time, but that doesn't seem to be "allowed" by today's girls.

It makes me long for 20 years ago when people somehow had relationships without all this gadgetry and social networking mania. When you could have a good conversation in person and arrange to meet sometime again and that would be it.

I have now shut down my Facebook, Bebo, Twitter, and IM accounts. It makes me feel cut off in some ways, but I just don't want them to become avenues for harassment. But I need the mobile and email, and that's where girls zero in.

So my issue is, is this just me? Or how do others deal with this problem?

Lollipops23

ha not all girls are that persistant!!

it seems to be a girl v guy argument; many guys i know would be happy to leave the house without their phone whereas most girls wouldn't!! tbh she sounded very clingly,if i texted someone and they didn't reply i woudn't keep texting til they did. i think shutting down all your accounts is a bit much tbh.

Trixielicious

It's not just you and believe me it's not just girlfriends that do it. My female friend was awful for stuff like this. If I didn't text her back straight away because I was in work or maybe on a call or even on the toilet(!) she would go mental, there would be 10 texts and maybe 2 or 3 phonecalls by the time I would get to answer. When her (long suffering)bf eventually broke up with her and explained that this behaviour was one of the reasons she still did not get the message. It really made me examine myself and whether or not I do this with my bf as I would be ashamed to come accross that needy to anybody!!!!

If the next gf you have is the same tell her that you need some time to yourself and that if you don't reply straight away it is because you are busy.

John Mason

OMG - i HATE those type of people

seriously, just turn your phone off

i dont understand the need to be texting and emailing 24/7

i thought it was just me becuase i am old but my mother does my head in, instead of a 20 second phone call, you are subjected to 2 hours of text messages and if you are not answering the message, is on the email or the facebook

arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh

when my mother starts on a text session, i just turn my phone off and log out of the computer.

that is the only thing you can do with people like that

xcarriex

I defo think it falls on both girls and guys i have recently start seeing someone, and on sunday i like to sit with the girls have dinner discuss the funny Saturday night antics etc, all phones are off just our time to chill, turned my phone on after an hour and had 5 messages, "babe you ok" "sweeetie what have i done" then the final "could just say if you dont wanna speak to me" then when i did txt back he insisted to know why i wasnt acting like 'me'?? I knew i needed to nip this in the bud, and spoke to him about it, thankfully he was fine, and the likes of FB Bebo are for jokes etc, nothing too serious all casual,

You should defo just say to her that ya need time away, thou to prove a point do it face to face and make sure ya dont use these new gadgetry types to explain yourself

dudara

I think that the world has changed from a place where letter writing took weeks to a place where we have IM and Twitter (which I still don't get, Luddite that I am).

Some people embrace the constant stream of updates more readily than others. I am definitely a "Less is More" person and it sounds like you are too. You will meet someone who fits with you - not everyone is like those girls you mentioned. Just keep looking.

marlie2005

i'm a female and I love to uncontactable sometimes.. most of my friends would know by now that I do not have the phone stuck to me and it could be hours before i'd even think about looking for my phone.. i love it.. it's freedom and to have a bit of space to myself. In saying that I think i'm an outgoing and socialable person (just incase people think it's relly weird ).

PhysiologyRocks

I just don't feel that texting etc. should be a substitute for real communication. Many people use it so. I much prefer to meet for coffee. I really just send texts to make arrangements. I'm a girl, by the way.

Nallandnanyways

Hi OP,

a) the girl you described seems ridddiculously clingy which for me would be a bit of a red light about more deeper issues.

b) just set clearer boundaries, ie: end of long phone call.. "Okay, Im gonna go sew a rip in the space-time continuum/floss the cat/defrost some karate chops for dinner/dump a body.... I'll call you tomorrow/Ill meet you at x o'clock. Goodbye.

Clear, unambiguous. End of.

Enigma'

I can see why you're frustrated, you're being choked from all angles. Personally I don't invest much time in social networking sites, there's many aspects of them I don't like. And those "thank-you texts" after the phone calls are pathetic. Don't respond to that nonsense.

You need to make it clear that you're not available to respond to her texts, e-mails etc 24/7. You've got other things to do. If she persists, DON'T respond. It's not worth the hassle, and if she's not happy with it, let her off.

If she has any ounce of understanding and respect for you, she'll let you have some space (the fact that she keeps persisting says a lot about her too). My advice would be, don't make excuses (phone went dead, laptop crashed etc), as they won't suffice for long and your only misleading her. Be straight up about it.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I'd be similiar to you, love to read and love quiet time to sit and reflect a bit. I think there is something in the female genetic makeup to make them feel the need to constantly be in contact with others. I mean men are brought up to be more independent whereas women grow up with relationships being a priority for them. Just walk down any street in the city and you'll see women with their mobile phones in hand texting or calling. Its rare you'll men doing the same thing. I have no problem leaving the phone at home all day long while im out but pretty much every girl I know freaks out if she forgets her phone.

lisajane

I fuking hate that!

I came across a nice enough fella a few months ago and he was constantly texting me. It was so annoying. I forgot my phone 1 day, i wasn't bothered but i came home to 14 msgs and 20 missed calls. That was far too much for me. He didn't realise i dont like to be stuck in my phone, are you ok? are you there? what did i do wrong? are you not talking to me?
Anyone can have any reason not to text, call but you would think they would get the hint after the first msg/call, but no, they go on and on and on.
I was out of credit one day and couldn't be arsed getting credit, the amount of messages i was getting, unbelievable. And when i switched off the phone, he would get the reports and it started again because he thought i was free to text.

miec

So my issue is, is this just me? Or how do others deal with this problem?

I had to smile when you said about how things were twenty years ago, it was much better to be honest. You had the phone and that was it, you were not attached to communication devices all the time, you could walk with no phones ringing, no interference, etc. Nowadays we are contactable everywhere and like you it is nice to be uncontactable, and by the way I'm female, it is not a gendered thing.

You need to set the groundwork when you meet someone, explain to them that you like quiet time, that you switch the phone off from time to time, that you dislike texting all the time, etc. I do this with friends and luckily my partner is like me in this regard. I personally believe that we don't need to be contactable everywhere, which is why I have my e-mail account set to privacy with no chat, haven't joined twitter, keep my facebook info as low key as possible, get to know security levels well on these social networking websites and you will gain a modicum of privacy but enjoy the benefits as well. Mainly though set the parameters early and don't budge from it. Also note, that not all women are like that,

thefeatheredcat

It's not a good sign, perhaps indicates her level of maturity... and it's a bit much... everyone needs to have their own personal space at times. It could go to the point of her wanting to know what you're doing every minute of the day.
Personally I like my own space and love indulging in having all my tech stuff shut off and just read a book/think/enjoy nature.

shellyboo

I think it's just a difference of personality, OP. I'm a stuck-to-my-phone kinda gal, always online, on Twitter, boards, gchat... if you want me there's a million ways to get in touch! But I definitely understand that not everone is like that, they need their alone time; and they need to swtich off and detach from the world.

What helps me is when people let me know that - I do get a little hurt by ignored texts or calls, but if someone says to me "I'm gonna go chill for a few hours, talk soon" or "Text you in the morning" or lets me know that they need a bit of space, I'm 100% ok with that.

In fact, anyone who's not ok with that would be a bit unreasonable... maybe just make your needs clear to the girls you see, and if they don't respect your boundaries then you'll know they're not right for you.

corkimp

like others have said - you need to set boundaries and say that you need some "me" time to chill, reflect on stuff etc. not all girls are like that - guys can be too. i'm like you - i like my alone time, chilling - even if online, i don't neccessarily want to chat (hence why i appear invisibly on messengers). don't do what i did for years, i gave in and kept answering ppl back - ended up with late night calls/texts waking me up. I now turn off my phone at night. and if i dont answer ppl most times im at work or chilling

LegacyUser

I'm a girl and I hate that too. I feel suffocated when I can't get away from people. I'm a bit of a loner in fairness. I'm not great with people. It's fine for a while then when it becomes just a constant stream of chat anywhere you go I get freaked out. It's like you can't hide from people anymore I really feel as if there is no peace in the world anymore, there are so many ways that people can pester you now. I hate any site that lets people know you are online - I don't know why I have msn or facebook accounts because I "appear offline" constantly. I've deleted bebo pages lots of times because it got too much. I hate it when people expect me to want to chat ALL OF THE TIME! I can't handle it at all. I'm probably a bit overboard in my view on it but it's ridiculous when people have something to say to one replies at any time or day. I feel obliged to respond and do it in a way I think will end the conversation but they just keep talking.

XarcherX

oh God i hate people like that!! drives me nuts!!
unfortunately i seem to be surrounded by them, 2 friends and a guy i was seeing for a few weeks about 6 months ago, he was the worst.. if i didn't text back the messages would keep coming "What's wrong with you?" or "Have i done something to p*ss you off?" or "i don't know why your being like this, you could be decent enough to tell me you don't wanna talk to me anymore"
i'm a sociable person and love spending time with my friends etc. but everyone needs alone time... that girl sounds overly clingy and you shouldn't be made to feel guilty for not explaining your whereabouts 24hours a day.. it's called freedom!!
sorry for the rant but nobody should be trying to keep tabs on friends or partners all the time, it's not right.
i would explain that from the start, my friends have kind of gotten used to me now

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

This is being aimed at both the men and women. If you are having such a hard time with the amount of text messages you are getting from somebody, have you actually told them that it is getting to you so much, so that maybe, just maybe, the other person will know to cool off, without it getting to a point where you can't take it anymore?

It only takes a second to say, "hey, please stop, you're texting me too much" but can make things so much better, and save relationships.

LegacyUser

you could say to your gf that she hasn't done anything wrong but you just need a bit of alone time. maybe like donegalfella said there to show her an article on introverts, and that it's in your nature to want to be alone and chill for a while, that way your gf won't feel like it's something she's done wrong. My bf is the same I have to explain to him I need my alone time now can you leave me alone, stop talking/texting/calling etc. I think it's just an introvert/extrovert thing...took him a while to understand cos obviously he is not like me

shellyboo

Communication? wrote: »

It only takes a second to say, "hey, please stop, you're texting me too much" but can make things so much better, and save relationships.

Eep... or end them. I don't know anyone who wouldn't take that really badly. There are better ways of saying it! As in "I'm not really a phone person", or in the terms that donegalfella used above.

LegacyUser

shellyboo wrote: »

Eep... or end them. I don't know anyone who wouldn't take that really badly. There are better ways of saying it! As in "I'm not really a phone person", or in the terms that donegalfella used above.

I didn't literally mean say it like that. Just let the other person know. Not replying or lying (saying my phone was dead, I wasn't near my phone) is not fair to the other person, especially in a relationship. Oh and like someone said before, don't start a precedent of texting/emailing/whatever straight away and then change. If you're not a phone person, then just let them know from the very beginning, so that they know what they will be getting themselves into, and will save oh so much heart break and anguish for both parties.

Oh The Humanity

OP -This does my nut in also. I have no interest in chatter without end.

Also what is this mad idea that people should have to explain that they are not permanently available? Apologise or make excuses for it? why?
No one is available all the time, that is obvious and it does not need to be explained.

Whats more; its not that people can't come to the phone immediately, on demand, all the time, its that they dont want to. People need head space!

And people need to reserve the right to answer the cursed thing when suits them. They'll get back to you when they can, not in the middle of their dinner or when they are doing something else like nothing!

God almighty its the one thing I would turn the clock back for, some peace!

As for IM's faceache and all that, I think its acceptable to answer facebook friend invitations out of manners within a few days but none of the other nonsense.

These inventions are supposed to be MY slave not the other way around!

OP, be firm and people will usually get the message. Although with one particularly pushy friend who often tried to take me to task over not answering my phone straight away/not getting back to her in 2 minutes I spelt it out bluntly, Don't expect me to hop, skip and jump to it (the phone) because I won't because I dont want to!

Be clear and firm!