I text too much

LegacyUser

Hi

Has anyone else a problem with texting too much?

I have a problem when it comes to new love interests.

I'm a normal girl but when someone I like exchanges numbers with me, I develop a sort of mania and dependance on them. I develop a false sense of closeness with the person by text and start to build a realtionship in my head. I want to talk to them and get to know them.

What happens is, I take an interest in the person and enquire after them maybe twice a week to start with but over the course of a month I will be in the habit of texting them at least twice a day if they respond to me. It's usually conversational texts, the odd drunk one etc. Nothing abusive or rude. Usually good banter and funny.

But when they eventually start to withdraw and not answer I then start thinking that i've done something wrong to them or that something may have happened to them and I bombard them with texts. I appear desperate, needy and annoying. My sense, logic and dignity disappears when this starts. It's like a vicious circle and i dig a big hole for myself everytime.

This obviously frightens them off even more and they just ignore me completely. I don't even get a text from them saying "Sorry, you're a nice girl but I don't see us being in a realtionship". So i'm left in complete limbo with no explanation which wrecks my head. Understandably, I never hear from them again.

The last time this happened, I sent almost 20 unanswered texts in 5 days. (cringe)

I have a huge problem with this :-( It's getting me down and I want to stop doing it. I seem to ruin any potential relationships or friendships with guys I've been with because of it. I always come off looking like a freak.

I would love to hear suggestions from others on how they overcome this. Or am I alone with this problem? Each time it happens, my esteem gets even lower. I want to break this cycle. :-(

shellyboo

I don't think you're alone at all. It can be easy to fall down a very slipperly slope of texting... the best thing to do when you find yourself going overboard is to delete the guy's number.

If he's still interested, he will text you so you'll get it back - if not, you won't bombard him!

LegacyUser

shellyboo wrote: »

I don't think you're alone at all. It can be easy to fall down a very slipperly slope of texting... the best thing to do when you find yourself going overboard is to delete the guy's number.

If he's still interested, he will text you so you'll get it back - if not, you won't bombard him!

I've tried this and that works sometimes, but often I have other ways of getting the guy's number again - facebook or I find it on my phone again through the delivery reports. Logic goes out the window & i think "i'll just drop him a quick text to see how he is". It seems like a good idea at the time. I never give a guy a chance to chase me I guess...

shellyboo

Delete all your sent items and delivery reports, then delete his number.

It's got nothing to do with letting a guy chase you, that's bullshlt. If a guy really likes you, he'll be delighted when you text him... but bombarding someone with text messages when they haven't replied to the last one is just a recipe for disaster. It absolutely screams bunny boiler.

You know you can stop if you really want to. You just have to get to a place where you can see what you're doing is mental and putting men off and just STOP.

Unfortunately there is no magic forumla.

J Peterman

OP, it kind of sounds to me like you've a self-esteem problem, not a texting problem. You're maybe defining yourself by your relationship, and then when they stop replying, your self-definition disappears so you naturally get frantic.

I'd work on you first- find stuff you're interested in unrelated to guys or dating and concentrate on that for a while. Once you have a more healthy self-image you won't be so dependent on the OH.

(note: i am not and never have been a doctor, so I could very well be wrong.)

Booswig

I have had this problem, and I have solved it by deleting their numbers after I have send one or two SMSs. If they reply, I would reply, unless it is a short SMS.

If the person replies with a long SMS, it means he/she is willing to spend time to write and SMS, so they would like to hear back. If average, you can reply back. If short, they might be busy, or not interested. Wait till the night, then reply. If the feedback again is short, or abrubt, or if they do nto reply, do not go through the trouble to text them anymore.

If they are interested, they will text you some time. If not, you have not wasted your time and energy.

Pyr0

Everything seemed pretty normal right up to the bombardment of texts. I'm a lot like yourself, I like to build up some sort of relationship through text and would text people a lot while i'm in work or at home.

With regards to scaring people off or bombarding them with texts you just have to control yourself whenever you get the urge to send them. Put your phone away for awhile or distract yourself with some activity. For example, i'm currently seeing a girl I like a lot, I'd be a big texter while she isn't. I'd be lucky to get a reply once ever six hours ! Sometimes I get the feeling to ask why are they not replying but I don't because I'm pretty sure I'd come across as needy and weird, you just have to control it in anyway that suits yourself. AS said before, if it's someone really new that has been texting you fairly regulary and has just slowly stopped replying, delete the number and get on with things. If they reply brilliant, if not then what can ya do ?

Not an in depth reply I know, I'm in work :pac:

LegacyUser

J Peterman wrote: »

OP, it kind of sounds to me like you've a self-esteem problem, not a texting problem. You're maybe defining yourself by your relationship, and then when they stop replying, your self-definition disappears so you naturally get frantic.

I'd work on you first- find stuff you're interested in unrelated to guys or dating and concentrate on that for a while. Once you have a more healthy self-image you won't be so dependent on the OH.

(note: i am not and never have been a doctor, so I could very well be wrong.)

Thanks Shellyboo and you for your comments. Yes, I think I have a self esteem problem. It's really hard to overcome that though. Being seen as a bunnyboiler is upsetting too :-( It's the worst thing a girl can be seen as.

Wibbs

When Im in a relationship I text like a mad thing. I'm heading for arthritic thumbs. It's direct, easy and it's also exciting when you see the new text message or hear the "ding", so I can well understand the attraction even the addictive part of it.

Of course if it's making you feel bad or impacting you negatively it's not good. The obvious thing of just stop is dead right. Of course it's easy to say, not so easy to do. I do think distraction can work. Interrupt the flow of the sequence you get into. So if you dont need the phone for work, maybe just switch it off for an hour. It's quite liberating I've found. Or say to yourself if he texts, I'll wait for an hour before I reply. Though that might drive you nuts. It would me, though I would be of an impulsive enough nature.

As others have said working on your self esteem is most likely the best bet. Especially if you see that affects other parts of your life.

LegacyUser

Thanks Wibbs. Do you think 20 texts unanswered in 5 days is extreme?

Wibbs

Well 20 sounds a lot, but it breaks down to 5 a day. Yes still a lot, because they're going unanswered. It would freak me out I have to admit, but I would have replied to call a halt.

Ask yourself why you kept going. Why do you think you felt the compunction to keep going? What where you hoping to happen? That kinda thing.

As I said if it's something that affects other areas of your life, then maybe counseling is an option? To nip it in the bud early, before it affects you more in other ways sorta thing.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

Well 20 sounds a lot, but it breaks down to 5 a day. Yes still a lot, because they're going unanswered. It would freak me out I have to admit, but I would have replied to call a halt.

Ask yourself why you kept going. Why do you think you felt the compunction to keep going? What where you hoping to happen? That kinda thing.

As I said if it's something that affects other areas of your life, then maybe counseling is an option? To nip it in the bud early, before it affects you more in other ways sorta thing.

No it doesn't happen with other people, just guys. I feel really foolish about it. I guess I try to get their attention to make them see me in a relationship light because I like them.

Are you male? Has this every happened to you? And if so, did you ever "forgive" (for want of a better word) the person for it? I feel bad about it.

LegacyUser

As with any addiction you can treat it by going cold turkey.

Leave your phone in a friends house "by accident" and see if you can manage overnight without it.

If you do, then you can last maybe 2 days without it.

Remove yourself from the problem.

Also - get out and join a social group or club - you need to meet real people more often.

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

Are you male?

Yep.

Has this every happened to you? And if so, did you ever "forgive" (for want of a better word) the person for it?

Not quite but similar. Where someone just kept trying to ring me, even though I had called a halt. Yes I forgave them. No point being a bollex about it and all that. Though I wouldn't have gotten more involved with her TBH.

Unregistered wrote:

As with any addiction you can treat it by going cold turkey.

Leave your phone in a friends house "by accident" and see if you can manage overnight without it.

If you do, then you can last maybe 2 days without it.

Remove yourself from the problem.

Good advice that.

Liam Byrne

Some people don't realise how annoying and intrusive texting can be, or expect a reply back immediately.

As long as you send a text and wait for a reply, you're sorted; the receiver can control the pace and/or wait until they're not distracted to reply.

Maybe a second unanswered one is no harm (I've forgotten to reply a few times, so that's not an issue)

But bombarding someone with 5 texts in a day (actually 20/5 = 4 a day, but anways) when they go unanswered is a bit much, and is going to put someone off; or at least put them under pressure to reply, which will eventually put them off.....

Liam Byrne

Unregistered wrote: »

I guess I try to get their attention to make them see me in a relationship light because I like them.

Would you stand in a crowded pub waving your arms at some guy who was on the pull and shout "pick me, pick me - PLEEEASE" ?

Because you're almost doing the text equivalent.

And if someone needs that much attention, they'll end up NOT being seen "in a relationship light", regardless of what possibility was originally there.

LegacyUser

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Would you stand in a crowded pub waving your arms at some guy who was on the pull and shout "pick me, pick me - PLEEEASE" ?

Because you're almost doing the text equivalent.

And if someone needs that much attention, they'll end up NOT being seen "in a relationship light", regardless of what possibility was originally there.

Looks like I'm pretty much fcuked then. I'm giving up on the dating scene. It's a soul destroying game. Seems I can't get even one decent person to give me any time or notice me. Yet the vast majority of other people have no problem in this area.

J Peterman

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks Shellyboo and you for your comments. Yes, I think I have a self esteem problem. It's really hard to overcome that though. Being seen as a bunnyboiler is upsetting too :-( It's the worst thing a girl can be seen as.

Well, step one for better self-esteem is to quit beating yourself up. As to steps 2 through 10, I can't really say. I had crap self-esteem until I got to uni, and I had good self-esteem by the time I left. All I did in the duration was pretend to be confident, and eventually I realized that other people actually thought I was confident, which of course made me actually confident. Don't know if that works for other people though.

Good luck.

Liam Byrne

Unregistered wrote: »

Looks like I'm pretty much fcuked then....... the dating scene....It's a soul destroying game.

No argument here!

Unregistered wrote: »

Seems I can't get even one decent person to give me any time or notice me. Yet the vast majority of other people have no problem in this area.

Ah, but that's where you're wrong, y'see.

Firstly, think of the song "from a distance"; it might SEEM like "the vast majority" have "no problem", but that's far from true.

PLUS, if you look again, you're GETTING the numbers, which is better than most people. Just be more careful about how and when you use them.

LegacyUser

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Would you stand in a crowded pub waving your arms at some guy who was on the pull and shout "pick me, pick me - PLEEEASE" ?

Because you're almost doing the text equivalent.

And if someone needs that much attention, they'll end up NOT being seen "in a relationship light", regardless of what possibility was originally there.

This is good advice - i was like the op but with my ex ( i was with him at the time) - constanting texting him. Wow i dont know what this advice has clicked in me - waving, pick me, pick me. It's so desperate and sad. Will make me think twice in the future when i run after a guy.

Blue_Wolf

Ya this has happened to me a good bit and I can't stand it. Especially in a relationship. If you are really interested in someone you are better off getting to know them over a longer period of time instead of trying to bleed them to death within a month.

You can't really put a number on the amount of txts to send etc. But girls usually have the upper hand in this as usually they wait for the guy to txt/call. Send a txt and if they dont reply or if they reply but with closed answers than just leave it.

If they like you than they will call you, otherwise you are better off without.

This is not just when meeting someone but with your partner as well. I don't like when my other half calls and txts me while im in work to just..."chat" when I'm going to see her later on anyways.

Liam Byrne

Unregistered wrote: »

Will make me think twice in the future when i run after a guy.

Nothing wrong with walking or jogging after them, though!