Mother in law problem - is it me or is it her?

LegacyUser

ok this i probally going to be a long one but i need advice im really upset about the whole thing.

his mother has never liked me from day one, she only has 1 other sibling (a brother) and three sons including my OH (i think this may be relevant later in the post)

she always made comments in front of me such as "i hate girls who wear jeans and a tee shirt" despite knowing that's what i wear on a day to day basis. she kept making comments implying i wasnt good enough for her son etc... and generally implying i wasn't on a social standing with her family because the area i grew up in wasnt 'posh' enough. i come from a very wealthy family but you'd never guess from looking at me, i HATE clothes shopping i hate earing designer gear unlike the rest of my family, i feel its more important to be yourself and anyway we were brought up to work hard for everything you get, i also have a respectable full time job which is as safe as a job can be in a recession.


My OH has two brothers one older one younger and the eldest is very like his mother and also took a dislike to me, i get on like a house on fire with the younger one and the rest of my oh's family. the eldest has been dating a girl for 4 years and she is the opposite of me, e.g she wouldn't be caught dead in 'penny's' gear she really shops in BT alot and shes a 'keep up with the Jones' type and sure enough my MIL loves her. she never had the problems ive had.


anyway i got pregnant and sure enough the MIL flipped she was always commenting on how she wanted me and my OH to end the relationship and the fact we were so excited about having a baby wound her up. she gave us the 'religious' rant ,but told us she'd never let us get married...etc she even tried to talk us into abortion. she kept cometing on "What would the neighbours and her friends say?" and how she wished it was the older brother and his girlfriend who were having a baby instead. I should add we are both in our early 20s and his brother is only 2 years older. when i was around 7 months pregnant she started subtly asking questions such as was it a boy or girl? or twins? IMO this was because her friends were asking her and it looked bad that she didnt know.my OH insists it was because she was curious...i tried appeasing her by no longer expressing my own views, promising id go look at cloths in brown thomas rather than penny's, always complimenting her, and listening with sympathy all the times she was moaning about all terrible things happening in her life is (Which happens alot) she's a very negative person.

roll on nine months later and shes playing doting grandmother to our baby daughter inviting me down 'whenever i want', and we've gone down all day saturday and sunday and usually a weeknight or two,my OH moved in with me ful time after our daughter was born (she was not happy about this again passing comments such as 'we never see you anymore' and then she laughs as if to imply she was joking (she does this everytime she realises she's said something offensive and thinks this lets her get away with it) and then she keeps insisting the baby looks like all her relatives and scoffing when people suggest my daughter looks like me, i asked her for photos of my OH and she brings out photos of his eldest brother, i asked how much did my OH weigh when he was born and im given weight and milestones of his eldest brother, i asked what was my OH like as a baby and im told of sleepness nights when his older brother was a few weeks old and had colic. and then one day she insisted on holding my 3 weeks old daughter and she left our daughters head unsupported causing it to roll dangerously around, after this i became paranoid about letting her hold our daughter, another day after my OH pleaded with me to give her another chance i handed over our daughter to her again with our daughter in her hands she insisted on going to do washing so i asked for our daughter back while she did the washing, she told me 'no' in a very firm voice and walked off with our daughter, i was too shocked to say anything.

again i just grinned and bore it because at the end of the she's my daughters grandmother and regardless of my feelings towards her i dont want to be influencing my daughters opinions. but this came to a head yesterday, my oh received a text from her to come home after work, we proceeded to change our plans to go out to see her (they live about 30 mins drive away my mum lives 2 mins drive away), we were supposed to go to my mums for dinner but since i go up to my mums for afternoons mon - fri (i cant stay at home for parking reasons and my mum offered for me to stay there rather dragging a newborn around shopping centres) we decided to head to the MIL's house. while there i was in the room next door talking with my oh younger brother and when i walked into the kitchen i caught the tail end of a sentence she was talking to m OH all i heard was " i never get to see *****" (our daughter) now because i only got the tail end i didnt want ot say anything in case i assumed wrong what she was implying, i asked my OH when we got home last night and it turns out she was playing the 'poor me' card to him saying how my family have bought everthing for our daughters christening and they see her everyday (i should add we were going moving to my MIL's location when i was 7 months pregnant and she was insisting we didn't because im guessing she didnt want me nearby at that time) and as for the christening she's wearing the christening gown me my brother and my sister wore and a shawl made especially for her by my grandmothers friend so nothing was 'bought' really but shes put out because i would rather use a shawl made for my daughter personally then a store bought one she got for free from a friend. i have tried to include my oh's family in the christening my MIL's brother (who i get along with very well) is the priest who is DOING the ceremony and we've asked my OH younger brother to be god father,etc..she's also constantly telling me my parenting is wrong, like when i said our daughter wont be starting on solids until shes four months old i got "all mine were on solids at three months" thats great for her but id rather go with what the health nurse said. also she keeps insisting my daughter lovers her more than my own mum despite the fact my daughters too young to know better, she also keeps going on about how shes buying my daughter a dolls house for christmas (the child will be just about 6 months old) and she keeps insisting on buying dresses despite the fact our daughter screams whenever a dress is on her, she loves her comfortable bodysuits! its like she thinks our daughter is a doll for her to play with and as a result does not put our daughters well being first.


but we are now today at the stage where my OH feels caught in the middle afraid his family are going to fall out with him because my MIL is telling everyone im keeping her granddaughter from her (despite the fact we are out there at least 3 times a week) im at the stage i just want nothing to do with her but im not letting her anywhere near our daughter without me watching her. which means she wont be seeing our daughter and i just want to tell her to cop on but it doesnt seem like she's going to change.

is it me or is it her?

Xiney

well, from your side of the story it definitely sounds like it's your MIL who is the problem.

The most important thing that I have gathered from your post is the fact that your MIL is not respecting your wishes about your daughter. Not supporting the baby's head?! Walking off with her after you asked for her back?!

NO.

You are the child's mother. Everything is your choice. She can be involved by agreeing or she can take a hike. There is no compromise here with her, that's not how parenting works.

You put your foot down. And your OH should man up to mammy as well and support you, but if he doesn't you're better off without him.

Taltos

Remember - if it comes up. You are NOT the one forcing your OH to choose anything here. It seems like she is just suffering for good old jealousy.

Your move away was probably the best thing you could ever do.
Personally I would limit your trips there as well. Maybe ease it down to every other week and then to once a month.

Why? Well you and your OH have a new baby. You have just moved in and in fairness you both need time at the weekends to figure out the new dynamics to your relationship without the interference of some aul jealous wagon.
You do not have to phrase it like this to your OH - just float - hey Tim (or whatever) how about this weekend we just stay local - go for some walks etc - no phones, no callers. Just spend time together - you me and Katie...

It is mainly all her - and once more - you are not putting your OH into any position here. She is. He needs to see it himself though and deal with it. Just a thought - but next time you are leaving her place after one of her tantrums - just have a little whinge in the car - say nothing - no blame and let him deal with the effect (guilt for not helping) she is having on you emotionally...

Otherwise - just ignore everything she says. Water off a ducks back. Now - be prepared when she sees she is having no impact she will escalate. So your method of escalating back is to yawn in front of her and make a cup of tea, or do a Spock - raise an eyebrow as you would to a misbehaving child and again make a cup of tea.

Das Kitty

I'm with Xiney on this. Your OH needs to tell his mother to lay off. So what if his family falls out with him? They'll come around eventually and maybe have a newfound respect for you both.

You've put yourself out so much to appease her and she doesn't appreciate a bit of it. Life's too short.

LegacyUser

You appear to have rubbed up your mil the wrong way from the start. It would not have killed you to buy a pair of tights and put on a skirt once in a while when visiting her at the start. Now you have set her agains you and you are going to have constant strife. Children of that age do noit care what they wear and if the child is screaming it is probably because of detecting tension between you and her grandmother.
You are setting yourself out as a maverick and forcing people into corners. It would be better to play along a little for the sake of peace. Take photographs of the child with the grandmother and show them to the people to whom she complains about not seeing the choild. Sorry to be so blunt but there are vtwo sides to the story.

LegacyUser

OP did you ask your other half about this? Try and find out why she doesnt like you. Maybe you are winding her up in some small way. I n=didnt get along with my brother in law but thats because he said a couple of things to me that annoyed me. Yet he told people that i didnt like him because he was married to my sister

Lollipops23

Unregistered wrote: »

= It would not have killed you to buy a pair of tights and put on a skirt once in a while when visiting her at the start.

why on earth should she have to dress for someone else??i wouldn't do that for my granny,never mind a bitchy old trout who treats me that way! the OP shouldn't have to change herself for her MIL,that's utter nonsense on your part.

Unregistered wrote: »

=Children of that age do noit care what they wear and if the child is screaming it is probably because of detecting tension between you and her grandmother.

well it's her granny's fault she's being such a manipulative cow to her mammy. and for the record, if a baby feels uncomfortable,they'll scream.end of.

Unregistered wrote: »

=You are setting yourself out as a maverick and forcing people into corners. It would be better to play along a little for the sake of peace. Take photographs of the child with the grandmother and show them to the people to whom she complains about not seeing the choild. Sorry to be so blunt but there are vtwo sides to the story.

why shoud she have to play this game??people who pander to this kind of bullying are numpties IMHO.

Trixielicious

Unregistered wrote: »

You appear to have rubbed up your mil the wrong way from the start. It would not have killed you to buy a pair of tights and put on a skirt once in a while when visiting her at the start.

I'm sorry but I feel this is out of line! Why should she have to buy a pair of tights and put on a skirt just because her MIL is a control freak who likes everything her own way!!! NOBODY should ever have to wear clothes just because somebody else wants them to.

OP I really feel for you cause interfering MIL's are the worst!! She didn't want to know about the pregnancy and even wanted the child aborted and now is complaining that seeing her granddaughter 3 times a week isn't good enough, f*cking cheeky mare!!!!

Penn

Unregistered wrote: »

You appear to have rubbed up your mil the wrong way from the start. It would not have killed you to buy a pair of tights and put on a skirt once in a while when visiting her at the start. Now you have set her agains you and you are going to have constant strife. Children of that age do noit care what they wear and if the child is screaming it is probably because of detecting tension between you and her grandmother.
You are setting yourself out as a maverick and forcing people into corners. It would be better to play along a little for the sake of peace. Take photographs of the child with the grandmother and show them to the people to whom she complains about not seeing the choild. Sorry to be so blunt but there are vtwo sides to the story.

The OP does not need to change the way she acts or dresses. And I doubt its the fact that the child doesn't like dresses, moreso the fact that the child finds them uncomfortable and just prefers the other clothes.

In my opinion, the MIL is being very controlling. It is only natural for the maternal grandparents to see the child a bit more often because generally, the mother will go to her own homeplace.

I understand how you don't want to cause a rift between your OH and his mother. But it does seem to be her causing the problems. Although there are two sides to every story.

I think you should be as accommodating to your MIL as you feel comfortable with. No MIL should expect more than that

bangersandmash

Unregistered wrote: »

You appear to have rubbed up your mil the wrong way from the start. It would not have killed you to buy a pair of tights and put on a skirt once in a while when visiting her at the start. Now you have set her agains you and you are going to have constant strife.

Are you serious? You think that the MIL is justified in her treatment (e.g. telling them she would never allow them to be married, dictating how the child should be raised) because the OP didn't wear a skirt? Are you suggesting that the OP should become a doll for the MIL along with the grandchild? :rolleyes:

The OP sounds like a level-headed individual who was raised in a sensible way. The same thing cannot be said of the MIL. She seems to be the kind of woman who prioritises the opinions of her neighbours above the welfare of her family.

LegacyUser

bangersandmash wrote: »

The OP sounds like a level-headed individual who was raised in a sensible way. The same thing cannot be said of the MIL. She seems to be the kind of woman who prioritises the opinions of her neighbours above the welfare of her family.

A well brought up person does not go around looking like a knacker. Being told that one is about to become the grandmother of an illegitimate child is not something that would send a lot of middle aged women who remember the Magdalen laundries into raptures of delight.

Busi_Girl08

So t-shirt + jeans = knacker? Right :rolleyes:

OP you've done absolutely nothing wrong. The MIL sounds like a right control freak who sounds way stuck in her ways, and I don't think she even knows what they are.

Looks like she can't see past looks and clothes.

In my opinion, she's acting like a shallow 15 year old who doesn't want to hang out with the "ugly people" :rolleyes:

As other posters have suggested, some space is needed. The 3 of ye should get away one weekend, a day out or a picnic (weather permitting ). Some time away from her will do you good.

Let her flutter and rant and rave, and maybe your OH will be able to see just how much cop on his mum needs.

bangersandmash

Unregistered wrote: »

A well brought up person does not go around looking like a knacker. Being told that one is about to become the grandmother of an illegitimate child is not something that would send a lot of middle aged women who remember the Magdalen laundries into raptures of delight.

I can only assume you are someone of that generation. These days the people you're referring to wear tights, skirts, and carry gaudy designer handbags. In other words nothing like the OP, but far closer to the vulgarity of the MIL.

As for referring to Magdalen laundries as justification for the MIL's behaviour, well to say that's inappropriate and insensitive is an understatement.

metrovelvet

The gentle terrorism of the grandmother...

sunshinegirl

Life is too short to deal with other peoples crap,be happy.
Decide to do it your way. Sit the other half down say your unhappy at being put down,your doing things your way. You love him etc,but parenting is about bonding,learning with your child and partner and you'd like to take time out with him and your girl to do so.
Your not being selfish your devoting your time to your daughter she is your priority. Cut the visits down to one a week or fornight. Teach her a lesson. Say to your other half you've had enough. And be firm.

Nevyn

You need to talk to your partner and explain to him that you need his back up and that the 3 ofyou make a family and you two are the parents and she has no say and she needs to be stood up to asap.

sunnygirl

Hi OP
I agree with speaking to your OH about this. Tell him you have put up with her attitude to you long enough and now things are changing. She sounds like a dreadful woman, and you shouldn't placate her because she is basically bullying you - Seeing her once a week is plenty, let her come to you & your home if it is that important to her to see her granddaughter. Set the rules now before it gets any worse, because it will erode your relationship with your OH too... best of luck!

CDfm

OP you definately need your partners support on this. I was in this situation as a guy and the MIL made me feel useless. Yours sounds like a real battleaxe.

useful_contacts

Unregistered wrote: »

ok this i probally going to be a long one but i need advice im really upset about the whole thing.

his mother has never liked me from day one, she only has 1 other sibling (a brother) and three sons including my OH (i think this may be relevant later in the post)

she always made comments in front of me such as "i hate girls who wear jeans and a tee shirt" despite knowing that's what i wear on a day to day basis. she kept making comments implying i wasnt good enough for her son etc... and generally implying i wasn't on a social standing with her family because the area i grew up in wasnt 'posh' enough. i come from a very wealthy family but you'd never guess from looking at me, i HATE clothes shopping i hate earing designer gear unlike the rest of my family, i feel its more important to be yourself and anyway we were brought up to work hard for everything you get, i also have a respectable full time job which is as safe as a job can be in a recession.


My OH has two brothers one older one younger and the eldest is very like his mother and also took a dislike to me, i get on like a house on fire with the younger one and the rest of my oh's family. the eldest has been dating a girl for 4 years and she is the opposite of me, e.g she wouldn't be caught dead in 'penny's' gear she really shops in BT alot and shes a 'keep up with the Jones' type and sure enough my MIL loves her. she never had the problems ive had.


anyway i got pregnant and sure enough the MIL flipped she was always commenting on how she wanted me and my OH to end the relationship and the fact we were so excited about having a baby wound her up. she gave us the 'religious' rant ,but told us she'd never let us get married...etc she even tried to talk us into abortion. she kept cometing on "What would the neighbours and her friends say?" and how she wished it was the older brother and his girlfriend who were having a baby instead. I should add we are both in our early 20s and his brother is only 2 years older. when i was around 7 months pregnant she started subtly asking questions such as was it a boy or girl? or twins? IMO this was because her friends were asking her and it looked bad that she didnt know.my OH insists it was because she was curious...i tried appeasing her by no longer expressing my own views, promising id go look at cloths in brown thomas rather than penny's, always complimenting her, and listening with sympathy all the times she was moaning about all terrible things happening in her life is (Which happens alot) she's a very negative person.

roll on nine months later and shes playing doting grandmother to our baby daughter inviting me down 'whenever i want', and we've gone down all day saturday and sunday and usually a weeknight or two,my OH moved in with me ful time after our daughter was born (she was not happy about this again passing comments such as 'we never see you anymore' and then she laughs as if to imply she was joking (she does this everytime she realises she's said something offensive and thinks this lets her get away with it) and then she keeps insisting the baby looks like all her relatives and scoffing when people suggest my daughter looks like me, i asked her for photos of my OH and she brings out photos of his eldest brother, i asked how much did my OH weigh when he was born and im given weight and milestones of his eldest brother, i asked what was my OH like as a baby and im told of sleepness nights when his older brother was a few weeks old and had colic. and then one day she insisted on holding my 3 weeks old daughter and she left our daughters head unsupported causing it to roll dangerously around, after this i became paranoid about letting her hold our daughter, another day after my OH pleaded with me to give her another chance i handed over our daughter to her again with our daughter in her hands she insisted on going to do washing so i asked for our daughter back while she did the washing, she told me 'no' in a very firm voice and walked off with our daughter, i was too shocked to say anything.

again i just grinned and bore it because at the end of the she's my daughters grandmother and regardless of my feelings towards her i dont want to be influencing my daughters opinions. but this came to a head yesterday, my oh received a text from her to come home after work, we proceeded to change our plans to go out to see her (they live about 30 mins drive away my mum lives 2 mins drive away), we were supposed to go to my mums for dinner but since i go up to my mums for afternoons mon - fri (i cant stay at home for parking reasons and my mum offered for me to stay there rather dragging a newborn around shopping centres) we decided to head to the MIL's house. while there i was in the room next door talking with my oh younger brother and when i walked into the kitchen i caught the tail end of a sentence she was talking to m OH all i heard was " i never get to see *****" (our daughter) now because i only got the tail end i didnt want ot say anything in case i assumed wrong what she was implying, i asked my OH when we got home last night and it turns out she was playing the 'poor me' card to him saying how my family have bought everthing for our daughters christening and they see her everyday (i should add we were going moving to my MIL's location when i was 7 months pregnant and she was insisting we didn't because im guessing she didnt want me nearby at that time) and as for the christening she's wearing the christening gown me my brother and my sister wore and a shawl made especially for her by my grandmothers friend so nothing was 'bought' really but shes put out because i would rather use a shawl made for my daughter personally then a store bought one she got for free from a friend. i have tried to include my oh's family in the christening my MIL's brother (who i get along with very well) is the priest who is DOING the ceremony and we've asked my OH younger brother to be god father,etc..she's also constantly telling me my parenting is wrong, like when i said our daughter wont be starting on solids until shes four months old i got "all mine were on solids at three months" thats great for her but id rather go with what the health nurse said. also she keeps insisting my daughter lovers her more than my own mum despite the fact my daughters too young to know better, she also keeps going on about how shes buying my daughter a dolls house for christmas (the child will be just about 6 months old) and she keeps insisting on buying dresses despite the fact our daughter screams whenever a dress is on her, she loves her comfortable bodysuits! its like she thinks our daughter is a doll for her to play with and as a result does not put our daughters well being first.


but we are now today at the stage where my OH feels caught in the middle afraid his family are going to fall out with him because my MIL is telling everyone im keeping her granddaughter from her (despite the fact we are out there at least 3 times a week) im at the stage i just want nothing to do with her but im not letting her anywhere near our daughter without me watching her. which means she wont be seeing our daughter and i just want to tell her to cop on but it doesnt seem like she's going to change.

is it me or is it her?

what scares me is i think im reading how my lifes going to be in a few years. my mil(wel my fiances mother) is the same. im not good enough for her baby and because i lost my job in this recession im a gold digger(despite when i met him he was in collage and living on 50e a week and i was on 300 a week)

But tbh ive never had the guts to tell her to **** off, and i fear that when ive a child i wont eather. Honey take a stand and tell her that you will wear what you like , raise your child however you like and its nothing to do with her.

And if she objects tell her you will go and stand out on the lawn and scream that she is a physco and a control freak- Oh no what would the neighbours think!!!!!!!! That would shut her up

course im only wishing what id the guts to do:D

Bubblefett

There's a certain tact to dealing with women of this nature. I'll be honest, you won't be able to change her, some women are just like this. She's always think she knows best and but in, but you'll need to learn to say NO, and stand up for yourself and your daughter.
You've let this woman walk all over yourself for you OH's sake and the sake of keeping the pease. And you're a saint for doing so, don't get me wrong!! But the fact is this is you daughter, your family and your responsibility. Learn what to let go and when to fight. Families fight- In-laws especially!!
Talk to your OH, tell him you don't want to put him in the middle but when it comes down to it you'll always do whats best for your little girl
(seriously- her going off to do washing up while holding your daughter was out of line! Especially as she'd already proved once that she can't hold her!)

Be strong, she'll wreck your head, there will be fights, but just be strong!
Right now she is not a good influence in your daughters life

CDfm

I am a huge fan of this woman Dr Susan Forward and she usually writes sence- here is a link to her in-laws book and it should be available in the library.

http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Toxic-In-Laws/Susan-Forward/e/9780060507855

bSlick

Next time she's giving your grief over your daughter, about not being able to see her, telling you how to bring her up, etc.. say to her - "why should I listen to you, you wanted me to abort her last year. if I listened to you she wouldn't even be alive now so mind your own business".

useful_contacts

bSlick wrote: »

Next time she's giving your grief over your daughter, about not being able to see her, telling you how to bring her up, etc.. say to her - "why should I listen to you, you wanted me to abort her last year. if I listened to you she wouldn't even be alive now so mind your own business".

oohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh thats even better than what i said- do that!

Jo King

Very clever. The MIL will deny it and the atmosphere will be even more poisonous. The inevitable result will be a split with her boyfriend. HE is being forced to make a choice and like all men he is inherently weak. The o/p needs to keep him on board and should she should avoid isolating him.

lloydyboy

OP if your family is extremely wealthy why were you growing up in a poor area ??? start spenging the money and put this bitch in her place.

CDfm

This is my take on it.

OP you and your partner are a unit and you are independent adults and financially independent of her.

Your MIL is his mother. He has grown up and is used to dealing with this behavior as normal. You on the other hand don't think its normal and find it upsetting.Your MIL considers it her God given right to say what she wants no matter how hurtful it is.

So its time to build some boundaries. It is stupid to get involved in game playing and trading comments like "well you wanted me to abort". Don't go there she is an expert at game playing and has being doing it for years. If there was an All Ireland Final in Game Playing my ex MIL would be in it and your MIL would get a place too.

Your Partner owns the relationship with his Mother not you and its up to him to manage it. You need to speak to him and put it very simply as in " We need to talk - I don't like going to your mothers because the way she treats me upsets me a lot and I don't want to put up with it anymore". Its that simple and its up to you and your partner.

My take on it would be you both sit her down in your home and say it like that very simply to her. She will probably throw a tantrum but its up to you to take control and let her rant. Then to make a plan and stick to it on the "new boundaries".

bSlick

Jo King wrote: »

Very clever. The MIL will deny it and the atmosphere will be even more poisonous. The inevitable result will be a split with her boyfriend. HE is being forced to make a choice and like all men he is inherently weak. The o/p needs to keep him on board and should she should avoid isolating him.

It's called standing up for yourself. I'm not saying to say it in front of a crowded room, where she would likely deny it. She would hardly be able to deny it if it was just OP and herself, and maybe the boyfriend present. It would give her some pause for thought and she'd know she won't be able to get away with treating the OP as bad in future or she could end up getting another dose of cold hard TRUTH.

The OP has been trying to keep the peace for long enough and she is still getting endless grief off the MIL. Why? Because the MIL knows she can get away with it, she probably views the OP as a soft touch judging by the way she has been treating her. You don't deal with bullies by sucking up to them, you deal with them by telling them where to get off. The OP should let her know she won't be taking any more crap off her.

"Like all men he is inherently weak" - lol, bitterness is a terrible thing.

Lollipops23

Unregistered wrote: »

Being told that one is about to become the grandmother of an illegitimate child is not something that would send a lot of middle aged women who remember the Magdalen laundries into raptures of delight.

how dare you refer to the child as illegitimate. that is the one of the most hurtful things i've ever heard on this forum. it's dispicable.

any human with feelings should be thrilled with a healthy grandchild born to happy,loving parents.

metrovelvet

^ That's right they are now referred to as "children out of wedlock."

OP you have to nip this in the bud NOW before the baby gets old enough that she can start playing headgames with your child. And times goes by quickly, it's sooner than you think.

sofia11

In my opinion your MIL is trying to cause trouble between you and your partner, perhaps hoping for a split so she can have things the way she likes, resume the status quo, she as the leader. You have to get your partner to realise the stress she is deliberately causing, new baby plus new 'inexperienced parents' in her opinion, she's having a field day. She is a BULLY, you and you partner are being BULLIED. Stand up together to the bully, don't let her win. I'm sure you both are well able to cope on your own and enjoy you baby and don't worry if you are doing this or that right. If something is right in your house, that's it! Repeat 100 times. I agree with the other posters, take time away, phone turned off, less visits, less interference. IMO I don't believe she'll change ever, its how you both have to control the situation with her, together. Its very very common situation the amount of similar stories I've heard. Be strong

Ickle Magoo

I agree with CDfm, try to forget what's gone before but certainly put in place some boundaries between yourself and your MIL - and yourself and your bf to a certain extent. He seems to be complicit in her abuse unless he can stand up to his mother.

Maybe try and get some practical advice for both of you from a book like Boundaries by Cloud/Townsend...reading a couple of books on assertion might help - make sure you give them to your bf to read too!

My sister has the MIL from hell and now her kids can't stand them either - not because they've been poisoned against their grand parents, they just hate hearing someone always being horrible to their mother. In the long term your MIL is only going to hurt herself as well but if I were you I'd have to make a point of spending as little time as possible with her. If your bf won't say anything to her, he can visit his mother alone. If someone refused to hand me back my child, I'd take my child & leave.

The other thing to mention is that she IS being a bully & like most bullies she relies on hiding her shameful behaviour in secrecy. I'd make a point of bringing up the nasty things she has said, even in a half jokey way - in front of people. Even if she denies it at the time & it riles her, it may make her think twice about saying anything in the future.

Best of luck

CDfm

Too my eternal shame(not) I once sent my ex MIL a birtday card on Halloween.

She didn't get the joke at all and no-one explained it to her.

You have a choice on whether you accept her behavior.

deisemum

You've got to take your share of the blame in this because you've been complicit in allowing her to treat you like this. I'm nearly 22 years with my husband and it took us separating for 6 months and going through marriage counselling to show me how I had my part to play in allowing his parents to abuse me.

I had the inlaws from hell and I made the mistake of biting my tongue to keep the peace but as you're finding out it doesn't work in the long term. Unless you do something to change this then it will probably get a lot worse and put a strain on your relationship with your partner.

My inlaws didn't even know me or my family as hubby and I met when we lived abroad and my family are from another part of the country. They did everything they could think of to try and split us up and even on our wedding day my father in law shocked everyone with his speech where he went on about how they tried to talk us out of getting married. Believe me Brendan Grace's Father of the Bride speech was nothing on this.

Once we were married they got worse towards me. Then they started saying bitchy and nasty things about me to our children. In the end as hubby was unwilling to say anything to his family I showed him the door as I had lost all respect for him. Most of our arguments were about how his family mistreated me.

It was only through counselling that I learnt that some adult children (like my hubby) are unable to speak out against the actions of their parents due to how they've been reared and the whole family dynamics within that family.

The counsellor also pointed out that I'm an adult in my own right and I do not have to accept their sh1t treatment towards me and if hubby was unwilling or incapable of standing up to his parents then he should accept that I'm entitled to pull up whoever disrespects me.

She also pointed out that no matter what I did to try and get them to like or accept me wouldn't work because as far as they were concerned they'd never like me and if I wasn't "good enough" for them in their eyes why waste my time and energy on trying to win them round. If I wasn't "good enough" in their eyes then I had nothing to lose by pulling them up on whatever abuse they thought they could get away with.

If you bite your tongue to keep the peace that's fine once or twice but if you keep doing it and it's not working why continue? You're better off trying something different.

You need to discuss this with your other half and work out what's acceptable and what's not and great if he's willing to show a united front to his mother but if he's not then he has to accept that you're entitled to deal with her yourself. If he's incapable of speaking up for you and still wants you to keep quiet and say nothing then he's colluding in disrespecting you. Can you live with that long term?

Limit you visits to her and get her to come to your home some of the times. It's much easier to deal with someone like her in your own home. Also as your daughter gets older and more mobile it's also less stressful to see the relations in your own home than going to a childless home in case they play up or damage something.

Anytime MIL is out of order question her on it and you don't have to get aggressive to do this. If she finds that anytime she raised her head above the parapet and she's called on it she might soon cotton on or be a bit more hesitant to do so in future.

You cannot change how people treat you but you can change how they affect you and how you react to them.

Anyway if you stand up for yourself you may eventually be stunned to find out that your MIL may still dislike you but may have some grudging respect for you.

I don't bother with my inlaws but that's my choice yet they're the ones who now try and invite me to family things and they never say anything negative about me. In fact they only say good things about me lol. I know they're intrinsically horrible people because they treat their son in law the same way they treated me. No one is "good enough in their eyes". My hubby and boys visit them on a weekly basis. We're so much happier since I cut them out of my life.