Abortion - Is it ok to feel this way??

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

I’m not even sure why I’m writing this, I think it might help to clarify my feelings
and reassure me that everything is alright.

I’m a girl in my late twenties. For as long as I can remember I have had a phobia about pregnancy. It’s not that I don’t like kids because I do, I just don’t feel maternal in any way towards them. When I see a cute baby I don’t get all ooohy and aahhhy. I think cute babies are cute but that’s about it.

It’s not so much a fear of labour even, it’s the whole thing really. If I see a pregnant woman I have to look away. I hope I don’t offend anybody saying that, I’m just being honest. It’s a genuine phobia. I find pregnancy terrifying and pregnant woman really freak me out. I can see a beautiful side to it too but it’s something I’ve never wanted to happen to me.

Well, it did happen to me.

I was in England last week on holidays and I hadn’t been feeling great all week. My breast were very tender and I was tired all the time. My lower back was sore
and I woke up every morning feeling unwell. I also had this heartburn that rennie
or gaviscon weren’t getting rid off. Turns out I was pregnant. I had unprotected sex
drunkenly and stupidly about 2 months but got the morning after pill and was told the chances of being pregnant were very low as I’d just come of the pill having been on it for years.

To cut this story short, I was terrified. I immediately starting vomiting when I found out. I was in a complete daze and to make matters worse it was with an ex boyfriend. I decided to get an abortion. I have never been so scared in my life. I told my ex and he was great about it, he said he’d stand by me either way and I had my sister with me for support.

Now that it’s over (5 days ago), I’m actually feeling fine. I have minimal bleeding and I don’t feel hormonal or upset or anything really. I think I’m still abit shocked and in disbelief that this all happened.

My question is, is this normal? Is it okay that I feel so okay with this? I always thought I’d fall to pieces in this situation and be an emotional wreck. It’s just odd that my hormones seem fine and balanced and that I’m just ok.

I’m not proud of this but I just want to move on. I’m scared it will affect me in the future.
So sorry for the length but thanks if you’ve read this far.

LegacyUser

I doubt there are any wrong or right feelings after something like this- don't be hard on yourself. Emotionally and physically you have been through something tough- you should be kind to yourself and try not to question whether your feelings are "normal"- everyone is different. Maybe you could see about post-abortion counselling, AFAIK it's free.

Lollipops23

OP you did the right thing by the sounds of things. You don't have to feel awful, cry for months and struggle. but that's how some people are,particularly if it was a difficult decision for them to make. but it doesn't sound like it was for you (im not minimising your suffereing OP,just that you knew what you would do from the start).

Don't feel like you need to feel or behave a certain way-with this kind of thing there really are no rules.

But the phobia?perhaps you should face up to it and see someone?(give yourself time to move on from this first though).

bronte

Oktofeelthisway wrote: »

Hi Guys,

I’m not even sure why I’m writing this, I think it might help to clarify my feelings
and reassure me that everything is alright.

I’m a girl in my late twenties. For as long as I can remember I have had a phobia about pregnancy. It’s not that I don’t like kids because I do, I just don’t feel maternal in any way towards them. When I see a cute baby I don’t get all ooohy and aahhhy. I think cute babies are cute but that’s about it.

It’s not so much a fear of labour even, it’s the whole thing really. If I see a pregnant woman I have to look away. I hope I don’t offend anybody saying that, I’m just being honest. It’s a genuine phobia. I find pregnancy terrifying and pregnant woman really freak me out. I can see a beautiful side to it too but it’s something I’ve never wanted to happen to me.

Well, it did happen to me.

I was in England last week on holidays and I hadn’t been feeling great all week. My breast were very tender and I was tired all the time. My lower back was sore
and I woke up every morning feeling unwell. I also had this heartburn that rennie
or gaviscon weren’t getting rid off. Turns out I was pregnant. I had unprotected sex
drunkenly and stupidly about 2 months but got the morning after pill and was told the chances of being pregnant were very low as I’d just come of the pill having been on it for years.

To cut this story short, I was terrified. I immediately starting vomiting when I found out. I was in a complete daze and to make matters worse it was with an ex boyfriend. I decided to get an abortion. I have never been so scared in my life. I told my ex and he was great about it, he said he’d stand by me either way and I had my sister with me for support.

Now that it’s over (5 days ago), I’m actually feeling fine. I have minimal bleeding and I don’t feel hormonal or upset or anything really. I think I’m still abit shocked and in disbelief that this all happened.

My question is, is this normal? Is it okay that I feel so okay with this? I always thought I’d fall to pieces in this situation and be an emotional wreck. It’s just odd that my hormones seem fine and balanced and that I’m just ok.

I’m not proud of this but I just want to move on. I’m scared it will affect me in the future.
So sorry for the length but thanks if you’ve read this far.

Have a read up on Tokophobia and definitely talk to someone about what you've been through.

LegacyUser

bronte wrote: »

Have a read up on Tokophobia and definitely talk to someone about what you've been through.

yeah I think I'll have to. I was thinking of going for hypnotherapy about the phobia. It's not a nice fear cause pregnant women are everywhere and I feel cold and mean that I can't stand to be near them. I do see the beauty in it too though.

With the abortion, I am happy (well as happy as you can be in this situation) about my decision to go ahead with it. I have always been pro choice and would never judge any woman for having one. It was absolutely terrifying for me but the nurses were all nice and reassuring and the pain wasn't too bad.

I guess I just thought I'd be falling apart and I'm not. It wasn't teh right time for me to have a baby, especially with an ex boyfriend. I think it's sad though an ffrom now I'm using double protection, the pill and condoms. I thought the morning after pill would be enough especially as I'd just come off the pill having been on it for years. The one time I had unprotected sex in all these years and I get pregnant!!

The lesson is always be careful because it can happen so easily it's scary!

LegacyUser

I think you are very brave to do what you have done and I admire you.

I have someone close to me in a similar circumstance and she will not make the decision you have made - much to my dispair but it is out of my hands.

I think (only think as I have not been in the situiation) that because you were so sure about what you were doing you have accepted the situation from the start and so the psychological side of it was dealt with when you made your decision. You are lucky that your ex was so understanding (mind you he may not have wanted the baby either) but above all I hope you know how special your sister is to be with you and be there for you with unconditional support. That is what family is all about really isn't it.

I cant comment on your fear of pregnancy as I know nothing on that, but i hope that you are happy and get some help for that if u feel u need it.

just had to write this as I can completely understand where u r coming from

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I think you are very brave to do what you have done and I admire you.

I have someone close to me in a similar circumstance and she will not make the decision you have made - much to my dispair but it is out of my hands.

I think (only think as I have not been in the situiation) that because you were so sure about what you were doing you have accepted the situation from the start and so the psychological side of it was dealt with when you made your decision. You are lucky that your ex was so understanding (mind you he may not have wanted the baby either) but above all I hope you know how special your sister is to be with you and be there for you with unconditional support. That is what family is all about really isn't it.

I cant comment on your fear of pregnancy as I know nothing on that, but i hope that you are happy and get some help for that if u feel u need it.

just had to write this as I can completely understand where u r coming from

Thank you so much. That is such a lovely message it brought a tear to my eye. Maybe I am all emotional afterall!! I really appreciate you saying you think it was brave because it was a difficult decision to make. I knew I didn't want it but the thought of having an abortion terrified me. Neither option was remotely appealing.

The day I found out I went staright to the doctor and she confirmed the pregnancy and gave me brochures on the various types of abortion. I am really squemish too so it took me several attempts to even read the brochure without shaking and crying. It was also very strange being back in work with people asking me did I have a nice holiday. I said it was great of course but inside I felt kinda isolated and lonely.

Thank you all for your replies and my heart goes out to any girl in a similar position. One thing I will say though is that the anticipation and fear of the unknown is the worst part. The prodecure itself is very quick and not as scary as you'd think.

LegacyUser

The image of abortion as a tramatising event that'll haunt you for life seems to be taken as fact in this country. As you say, the procedure is quick and not scary. When your sure about your decision and accept it, theres no need to be scarred for life over it.

Some of your words could've been writen by me! I felt guilty about not feeling guilty felt there was something wrong with me. when i look at my life now and how it has turned out i know i made the right decision. Your lucky to have all that support around you.

The pregnancy phobia, however you might want to talk to someone about. you dont know whats going to happen in the future and it may become a huge problem.

you made a clear-headed and logical decision and now you can move on with the rest of your life. best of luck in the future.

John Mason

Of course it is normal to feel this way.

You got rid of something you didnt want, why would you be sitting around crying about it?

BTW the way i have the same phobia about pregnant women, they make me feel ill when i see them and to make matters worse, my office window looks directly in a maternity hospital window!!

seamus

Abortion is a personal matter and a personal choice. Whatever way you feel about it afterwards is the "right way" to feel, because it's individual to you.

As pointed out, the myth of abortion as an emotionally scarring horrifically invasive procedure is one that's still alive and well in this country and one where there's still a huge stigma attached to it.

This was your choice, you thought about it and you made it, and now you feel that it was the right decision. So therefore it was. Nobody else can tell you how you should feel about it, but you.

On the subject of Tokophobia, I would suggest perhaps talking to someone about that. Not because you should feel like you want a child, but to free a part of yourself from being ruled by an irrationally strong fear. You should be able to view and interact with pregnant people without freaking out about it - it suggests a deeper issue.
And if you get to the stage where your hormones are messing with your head, if you've overcome your phobia, you'll be in a position to make a more rational choice for yourself.

J Peterman

Oktofeelthisway wrote: »

My question is, is this normal? Is it okay that I feel so okay with this?

Yes.

wexford202

Hi There OP

Firstly the reason that you are not upset about the abortion is because you knew it was the best thing for you. You have nothing to be ashamed of and you should be able to move on with your life.

With regards to the being put off by pregnant women, I am pregnant myself and I can kind of see where you ar coming from. To me pregnancy is something I have to go through to have my baby and nothing more, however I have had many friends pregnant and are looking up the internet every whip stich and buying loads of books. I couldn't understand their obsession with the whole thing to be honest. Milllions have done it before and didn't have to buy a book to know it is normal to go to the toilet more or fart occasionally.

I wouldn't let that type of pregnant woman put you off for later in your life. You are right not to think every baby is cute. Many aren't cute and there definitely is the occasional cute one that you will look at and say aah look but definitely not all of them.

When the time is right and I agree that the last time you fell pregnant wasn't right that you will have the urge but if you don't have the urge there are many more like you! Not everyone wants them.

CapedCrusader

There's certainly no such thing as normal when it comes to feelings.

My opinion might not be popular, but it's easy to crowd in here and say that you have no reason for regret.

You have terminated what would otherwise have been a unique human being.

I'm not saying this just to be nasty. It's easy for people like Pink Fluffy Bunny to say things like "You got rid of something you didnt want" but I don't think that is something that will help you come to terms with this.

I believe it's important to be honest with yourself and work it through in your heart and mind. Like another poster said, I think you should talk it through with someone.

I'm not being judgmental - I'm just presenting the truth of the matter and being honest with yourself is the only way you can truly come to terms with this and move on.

Thoughts are with you OP - none of this can have been easy for you.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I too have had a termination and found that i felt the same way as you after it.
I was/am sure that it was the right decision as I was not in the right place to bring up a child. So my feelings after the abortion where one's of relief, which annoyed me more than any thing as I thought this wasnt normal.
I have found to have moved on from my abortion relitively easy and have managed to block out the events of the abortion from my memory - but still it linger's.
Although i have moved on once in a while I will have a bad day and although I dont regret making the decision, it will always haunt me.
OP prepare yourself that in time you may have a bad day but having someone to talk to wil always help you through.
My thoughts are with you.

dudara

If you were OK with the choice, and it most definitely sounds like you were, then your feelings are fine.

It's natural to wonder as a woman if you should feel maternal. But if you don't feel that way, don't get hung up about it. I'm nearing 31 and while babies don't terrify me (:D), neither do they excite me.

Just make sure that you're mentally OK after this. If that means talking to someone, then go for it. If you're happy to proceed on your own, then that's fine too. It's a good thing that you're analysing this - really it is.

CapedCrusader

CapedCrusader wrote: »

I'm not being judgmental - I'm just presenting the truth of the matter and being honest with yourself is the only way you can truly come to terms with this and move on.

Let me give YOU a piece of truth - just because someone doesn't have the same view as you on the subject doesn't mean they're not being honest with themselves. You and some others may not be able to contemplate abortion in any remotely positive light but not everybody feels as you do, and it doesn't have to involve any self deception.



OP, I know where you're coming from. Speak to someone about it anyway, maybe when you go to deal with you tocophobia

It's not abnormal to feel that way. Some people can involve themselves in murder without feeling any remorse afterwards.

Beruthiel

Oktofeelthisway wrote: »

My question is, is this normal? Is it okay that I feel so okay with this? I always thought I’d fall to pieces in this situation and be an emotional wreck. It’s just odd that my hormones seem fine and balanced and that I’m just ok.

You are obviously 100% comfortable with your decision, hence the reason you feel okay about it.

CapedCrusader wrote: »

I'm not being judgmental

You couldn't be more judgmental if you tried.

I'm just presenting the truth of the matter and being honest with yourself is the only way you can truly come to terms with this and move on.

You are presenting the truth from your view point and how you view the world.
Believe it or not, other people happen to think differently on this particular subject.

The Recliner

MontgomeryClift wrote: »

It's not abnormal to feel that way. Some people can involve themselves in murder without feeling any remorse afterwards.

MontgomeryClift it is not ok to imply that the OP is a murderer

Have a think before posting here again or you will lose the ability too

CapedCrusader

Beruthiel wrote: »

You are presenting the truth from your view point and how you view the world.
Believe it or not, other people happen to think differently on this particular subject.

As you and others are presenting it from yours. Of course others think and feel differently about it. Imagine - a discussion with more than one point of view... how about that.

anniehoo

OP,you are comfortable in your decision, a decision made by thousands upon thousands of women every year. Do not be ashamed or uncomfortable with it.

It is your body, your life and YOUR CHOICE. Ireland has a long way to come in regards to its perception of abortion but at the end of the day you made the right decision for you.

With regards to your "phobia" of pregnant women, i feel something must of triggered off the unpleasant feelings you have when you see one. Many many things can trigger off the most irrational of fears for no reason and it may be worth investigating it further. Ive heard CBT is a phenomenal process for things like this, but only if its something you feel you would like to change or resolve.

anniehoo

CapedCrusader wrote: »

As you and others are presenting it from yours. Of course others think and feel differently about it. Imagine - a discussion with more than one point of view... how about that.

Not when the term "murder" is stated in a two line reply with no intellectual substance or articulate response to back up their reply.

Nevyn

CapedCrusader wrote: »

As you and others are presenting it from yours. Of course others think and feel differently about it. Imagine - a discussion with more than one point of view... how about that.

If you want a discussion on abortion then start a thread in humanities.
Do not moralise or lecture the op as it is not helpful.

Nevyn

Oktofeelthisway there is nothing wrong with you, you made the choice and you are happy with your choice, if at any stage you are concerned then do look for post abortion couselling if your feelings change and please do for the sake of your own health go for a 6 week post abortion check up.

Rorate Caeli

What happened to the post taking the side of the majority of people in Ireland?

Nevyn

Rorate Caeli wrote: »

What happened to the post taking the side of the majority of people in Ireland?

Take that discussion to humanities, this is about the op and that debate is offtopic here and emotive language is not helpful. There has been 1 ban so far more will follow if people can not keep their posts helpful to the op.

Rorate Caeli

OK.

Nevyn

Rorate Caelit too late your banned.

anniehoo

Rorate Caeli wrote: »

OK.

Again ..well done for another unintelligent and educationally challenged post. Not quite sure why you "thanked" my last one.

Nevyn

anniehoo please do not comment on off topic posts yourself as they are then off topic and unhelpful.

Boston

seamus wrote: »

Abortion is a personal matter and a personal choice. Whatever way you feel about it afterwards is the "right way" to feel, because it's individual to you.

As pointed out, the myth of abortion as an emotionally scarring horrifically invasive procedure is one that's still alive and well in this country and one where there's still a huge stigma attached to it.

I wouldn't say its a myth, every experience is different, every reaction unique. I think it has the potential to be far more traumatic on Irish women due to the nature of how Irish women have to obtain abortions, and the social stigma surrounding it. Case in point, the op expected to feel shamed, mentally / emotionally fragile, because that is exactly the way Irish society tries to make these women feel.

Nevyn

anonymouspoop permabanned form the forum.

Trail_Blazer

It's good to see the end positive feelings and result of abortion. The situation can be a bit grim from a 3rd party perspective, but it's really nice that it's an option that is available out there - There're already so many unwanted children being born everyday. It's good to see someone aware of where they stand on the issue, and just didn't have the baby out of obligation, or because she felt pressured by society to have it anyway.

So long as abortion isn't used as a form of birth control, I think it can be a very helpful procedure to those who just don't want or can't handle a child.

useful_contacts

Oktofeelthisway wrote: »

Hi Guys,

I’m not even sure why I’m writing this, I think it might help to clarify my feelings
and reassure me that everything is alright.

I’m a girl in my late twenties. For as long as I can remember I have had a phobia about pregnancy. It’s not that I don’t like kids because I do, I just don’t feel maternal in any way towards them. When I see a cute baby I don’t get all ooohy and aahhhy. I think cute babies are cute but that’s about it.

It’s not so much a fear of labour even, it’s the whole thing really. If I see a pregnant woman I have to look away. I hope I don’t offend anybody saying that, I’m just being honest. It’s a genuine phobia. I find pregnancy terrifying and pregnant woman really freak me out. I can see a beautiful side to it too but it’s something I’ve never wanted to happen to me.

Well, it did happen to me.

I was in England last week on holidays and I hadn’t been feeling great all week. My breast were very tender and I was tired all the time. My lower back was sore
and I woke up every morning feeling unwell. I also had this heartburn that rennie
or gaviscon weren’t getting rid off. Turns out I was pregnant. I had unprotected sex
drunkenly and stupidly about 2 months but got the morning after pill and was told the chances of being pregnant were very low as I’d just come of the pill having been on it for years.

To cut this story short, I was terrified. I immediately starting vomiting when I found out. I was in a complete daze and to make matters worse it was with an ex boyfriend. I decided to get an abortion. I have never been so scared in my life. I told my ex and he was great about it, he said he’d stand by me either way and I had my sister with me for support.

Now that it’s over (5 days ago), I’m actually feeling fine. I have minimal bleeding and I don’t feel hormonal or upset or anything really. I think I’m still abit shocked and in disbelief that this all happened.

My question is, is this normal? Is it okay that I feel so okay with this? I always thought I’d fall to pieces in this situation and be an emotional wreck. It’s just odd that my hormones seem fine and balanced and that I’m just ok.

I’m not proud of this but I just want to move on. I’m scared it will affect me in the future.
So sorry for the length but thanks if you’ve read this far.

TBH im not a big fan of kids either- i think they cost a lot- are noisy and demanding- and you can kiss bye to your social life. But im only 23 so i suppose its normal at this age. That being said if i found out i was preg tomorrow id be happy.

You have a genuine phobia- thats not your fault. Im terrified of butterflies so i know how it is to have a weird phobia. Did you have an abortion because you were scared of labour? Can you clarify what was going through your head when you had it- did you have any doubts at all? Could it be possible your scared of losing the body your used to?(not saying your shallow)

seamus

Boston wrote: »

I wouldn't say its a myth, every experience is different, every reaction unique. I think it has the potential to be far more traumatic on Irish women due to the nature of how Irish women have to obtain abortions, and the social stigma surrounding it. Case in point, the op expected to feel shamed, mentally / emotionally fragile, because that is exactly the way Irish society tries to make these women feel.

You're right, "myth" was the wrong word. Though it's pushed in Irish society that in every case it's a fact that the woman will be traumatised beyond belief for the rest of her life. When that's not even close to a fact for most women.

metrovelvet

seamus wrote: »

You're right, "myth" was the wrong word. Though it's pushed in Irish society that in every case it's a fact that the woman will be traumatised beyond belief for the rest of her life. When that's not even close to a fact for most women.

You don't know that and you can't speak on behalf of "most women."

seamus

metrovelvet wrote: »

You don't know that and you can't speak on behalf of "most women."

Of course I can't. I can speak on behalf of the women I know who've had an abortion.

None of whom bear any crippling emotional scars. If it was such a major issue, a bigger deal would be made of it, quite simply. If abortion was likely to end in serious emotional trauma, most countries currently offering it, wouldn't.

philologos

OP: My point of view is going to be different to others, and others may find it offensive. However, I think this was the wrong thing to do. If you had unprotected sex, that is something you should be responsible for. I don't feel that this was the right thing to do towards the unborn child. That's just my take on it.

Your phobia and your situation are one thing, but whether or not you should have taken that out on the unborn child, is highly debatable.

I wish you the best of luck in the future OP

dudara

Posters, once again this thread is veering towards pro/anti abortion arguments. Can we please refrain from that?

dudara

Boston

metrovelvet wrote: »

You don't know that and you can't speak on behalf of "most women."

If abortions where traumatising that many women we'ed hear about it. It would be shoved in our face at every opportunity, it would be difficult to hide and I don't see anyone on either side trying to hide it.

LegacyUser

OP I had an abortion 3yrs ago and you are not alone in feeling like you do.

I spent the first year just waiting to break down or waiting for the crying to start, but it never did. I had a young child at the time and was a single mum. My life had been hectic and I had little or no support with my child already, I could not have coped with another child at that time.

Now I look at how my life has turned out and know I made the right decision and I have never had any regrets. You don't often hear about women like me when abortion is discussed in the media. Women like me choose to go 'unreg' on sites like this..we prefer to remain anonymous because there will always be a stigma attached to abortion, and there will always be an element of catholic shame.

But it was the right thing for me and like I said, I have never regretted it. My life is better now that it would ever have been had I had that child. I do not exaggerate when I say that for me to give birth to a child at that time in my life would have ended up with me in a pyschiatric ward, and my two children in care.

Like I said, it was the right choice for me. And it sounds like it was the right choice for you. Best of luck x

LegacyUser

I think that you made the right decision. Personally i'm disgusted by pregnancy and i never want to have kids. The thought of having a baby revolts me and if i found out i was pregnant i would 100% have an abortion and i would be very happy to do it.
I think you are a very brave woman who knows what she wants and once your 6 week check up is done i think you should move on and enjoy your life to its full.

LegacyUser

Don't let society force you to feel guilt for something there is no shame in. Yes you could have had a unique human being in 9 months. Every young person in the country could start having unprotected sex tomorrow and have unique human beings in 9 months, that doesn't mean it's the right thing for them to do just as this wasn't the right time for you. Be happy that you're making your own choices and living your life as you see fit.

The Corinthian

Ultimately it comes down to what you 'feel' is right or wrong and if you do not 'feel' something to be wrong then you will not feel any remorse over it. I remember a chap I knew who once told me of this girlfriend he had who came from a very puritanical, Free Presbyterian, family. They would have wild sex, after which she would weep and pray at the foot of the bed for forgiveness from God. On the other end of the scale, you have to remember that the Nazi's operating the gas chambers didn't think they were doing anything wrong - indeed, they thought they were the good guys.

Of course, the OP is on neither of these extremes, however as abortion becomes more socially accepted, it is natural that people will in turn feel less guilt over it. This is not saying that they should, only that this is how guilt works.

philologos

Unregistered wrote: »

Don't let society force you to feel guilt for something there is no shame in. Yes you could have had a unique human being in 9 months. Every young person in the country could start having unprotected sex tomorrow and have unique human beings in 9 months, that doesn't mean it's the right thing for them to do just as this wasn't the right time for you. Be happy that you're making your own choices and living your life as you see fit.

If guilt is felt, it will be felt on the moral compass of the OP, not as a reflection of societal norms of views. It really depends how the moral compass of the OP is set as to whether or not she will feel bad about this, or whether or not she will regard it as death, or as a mere surgical operation.

As for unprotected sex. This isn't what anyone is encouraging. The OP should have been more careful, I think we can all agree on that. The sad thing (from my POV) is that a life has been lost because of this carelessness.

As for making choices. A choice comes with a responsibility too arguably.

I understand that people aren't going to agree with my POV but I thought this might be some food for thought.

The Corinthian

Jakkass wrote: »

If guilt is felt, it will be felt on the moral compass of the OP, not as a reflection of societal norms of views. It really depends how the moral compass of the OP is set as to whether or not she will feel bad about this, or whether or not she will regard it as death, or as a mere surgical operation.

So you are suggesting is that "the moral compass of the OP" is independent of "societal norms of views"?

If so, you do understand that the weight of historical evidence actually disagrees with you?

Wibbs

While there have been helpful posts, I feel this will go the way of the usual abortion threads. There have been enough warnings, so it's closed. If the OP wants it reopened please feel free to PM a mod of PI. Thanks.