Moving on After a death

IlikePostcards

Right before I left to move to Ireland in August of last year, my on again/off again boyfriend of eight years died when a drunk driver hit him while on holiday in North Carolina. I am in a wonderful relationship now, 10 months, and he is being completely understanding of the emotional nature of this month, which I hugely appeciate.

My question is: I think I am quite moved on, and over (well, as over as one can be) my ex, but this will just be a hard time. Is this fair for him, who has a pretty heavy anniversary this month as well, one year since his 2 1/2 year long last relationship ended, to need time alone, or on the other hand want to talk about it with him?

While we together I knew it was going to be hard, and have spoken to him about this, but I don't want to impose on him, or lessen our relationship, but at the same time, I want to give proper time and thought about what occured.

Help?

spinandscribble

so his last relationship ended this time last year? theres no reason to tip toe around him, if he needs time to mourn breaking up with someone a year on while being with someone new, its a bit crazy.
you on the other hand had a long time friend/lover DIE this time last year. while i don't think you should make a huge deal of it around your new bf, maybe just acknowledging it to him and seeing how he reacts is a better idea. or if you can, deal with it inside yourself or seek console from a friend who knew your ex. tbh it depends on what type of terms you were on with the deceased when he died.

Manic Moran

If, for some reason, you need to talk about it with him, then talk. If you are in a good relationship, no harm will come of it.

I'm not so sure about the 'needing time alone' bit, though. Were I in his position, I would think you would be in more need of a supporting presence, not less. Of course, that's just me.

NTM (Interloper)

SeekUp

Manic Moran wrote: »

I'm not so sure about the 'needing time alone' bit, though. Were I in his position, I would think you would be in more need of a supporting presence, not less. Of course, that's just me.

I'd agree; just knowing that you have support from someone close to you is such a massive help.

That being said, you should do what you feel that you need to do. Whether it's talking to your current boyfriend about things or calling your old boyfriend's family, or going to church, or burning sage (yeah, I dunno), or walking through the woods alone (be careful!) or whatever, I'd think that your current boyfriend would do his best to understand what you need. You also seem very mindful of his feelings, so if he needed anything during a difficult period for him, it seems as if you would do the same.

I'd bet that he wouldn't feel imposed upon at all, nor do I think that it would lessen your relationship; quite the contrary.

tara666

i think u should talk to him abt it and just be honest ..good luck xx:D

skywards

It is understandably hard on you, losing someone like that, and just a year ago at that. It is also (I guess?) understandable for most people to want to talk about things like that, and to need time alone with their thoughts. Anyone who doesn't get that or thinks it isn't fair isn't worth (imo) being with in the first place. : o)

d'Oracle

Time alone is overrated.

I spend loads of time alone.
Never seems to help anything.

skywards

d'Oracle wrote: »

Time alone is overrated.

I spend loads of time alone.
Never seems to help anything.

Time alone is the only way I stay sane .

IlikePostcards

Thank you, everyone. Tomorrow is the big day, and I still don't have an answer of what to do. I guess just take it slow and see what happens.

kristin

Ickle Magoo

Just do what feels right to you. If you want to go and be on your own for some contemplative time, do it. If you want to talk to your bf, do that. I wouldn't rule out doing anything because it may/could/might/maybe anything. I wouldn't equate a relationship ending to one half of a relationship dying but if he needs to talk, take comfort from each other?

Hermione*

Anniversaries can be very tough. It's next to impossible to determine in advance what will make it easier for you. I went to work on an important anniversary this year because I thought the distraction would help - I had to leave by lunchtime. The minute I stepped out of the door of the building, I let out a deep breath I hadn't even realised I'd been holding.

I find it easiest to take it hour by hour. See how you feel tomorrow morning and take it from there. Don't feel obliged to do anything other than feel.

Cyberhugs.

MJOR

Ok so he probably won't need time alone. An anniversary of a relationship breakdown and an anniversary of a death are two totally different things. Chances are he'll think about it and forget it.

Different people react to death differently... I know that personally on my parents anniversary I like a little quiet time. I always pop out to their grave and say a prayer. I think about them all day. Thing is I don't want to be alone all that day. I still do the normal things like go to work and see my friends.
But this grief for you is obviously still raw, so maybe take time to yourself. Don't make a sng and dance about it to your other half. If you need time take it but don't shut him out.
Hope you're ok x

Jules

moved from tLL, think you will get more advice from RI.