My BF is going to breakup with me unless...

LegacyUser

My BF is going to breakup with me unless I make the near impossible happen (but he's got very good reasons in fairness). Due to a medical condition I have fallen behind with college. I have a module that is uncompleted as a direct consequence of missing time and exams with my illness.

I'm gonna go in and beg to repeat it in semester 1 instead of having to wait for semester 2 as I was supposed to be moving abroad to be with my bf at the start of 2010. We've been doing long distance for over a year because he moved away. He didn't have to move away - he just really wanted to experience another culture. We thought at the time it would only be a year but he got the opportunity to stay another year and he took it.

Basically unless I convince the college I can't go and he says he can't do another year of long distance. He basically did break up with me so I know he's serious. I'm still ill and under a lot of stress so I guess I'm writing here to vent as I don't have anyone to talk to. He's my best friend and a great bf. I don't wanna lose him. He means a lot to me.

Terodil

I think I don't fully get the problem. Why would he/you want to move together in another country if he's probably only going to stay there for one more year? Or is it permanent now?

I'm getting rather cross at all this 'I want to move somewhere else so I'm going to, screw my OH if s/he doesn't want to join me' attitude lately. If he moves away without evaluating what this means for the two of you then it's his problem for crying out loud.

It feels to me as if he's blackmailing you, OP, and that would definitely make me look at the relationship again if I were you, and require a good talk.

Oh The Humanity

Terodil wrote: »

I'm getting rather cross at all this 'I want to move somewhere else so I'm going to, screw my OH if s/he doesn't want to join me' attitude lately. If he moves away without evaluating what this means for the two of you then it's his problem for crying out loud.

Yes, me too.

Op, is he saying you HAVE to finish college before you can go join him? is that what you mean? Could you defer for a year or anything?

StormWarrior

Are you sure your boyfriend is not just using this as an excuse? I was in a similar situation to him. I had a boyfriend and I had been dreaming of moving abroad for a while. My boyfriend claimed he couldn't move abroad at that time due to his work situation, and said we should do it sometime in the future. If I'd been happy with my boyfirend and wanted to stay with him, I would have waited. But I was already severely falling out of love with him, so I dumped him and left the country. I find it strange that your boyfriend would be willing to live in a different country from you if he still really loves you, how could you bear to be parted from your OH for so long? The fact that he's giving you an ultimatum involving the possibility of him dumping you also makes it seem like he wants to break up with you and is using this as an excuse.

pwd

From your post:
You're in different countries because he wanted to move, not because he had to.
Now he is demanding you move to join him, but you have to stay to finish college.
The long distance thing is his own choice, not something that was imposed on him. Could he not have waited for you to finish college in the first place and go together then no?
It sounds like he wouldn't mind you dropping college in order to go over to him a few months earlier.
So if I get the whole picture: He doesn't value your relationship very much. He doesn't care about you very much. His own convenience seems to be his biggest priority.
Break up with him now so you have time to deal with it before being back in college. Don't get back with him if he changes his mind. It doesn't seem like there is long-term potential for your relationship.

blairbear

Hi OP,

I'm sorry to say but this seems like emotional blackmail to me. It's not your fault that you were ill and fell behind in college. These things happen and they happen to a lot of people. If the college won't let you repeat in semester 1, what are you going to do? Follow your boyfriend anyway? He's got you between a rock and a hard place here. I'm not a fan of ultimatums in relationships and this is a very conrolling example of one such ultimatum I feel.

Please don't compromise your health or your college career. If long distance is out of the question for him, he can buy a plane ticket. Sorry to be harsh but this is just selfish of him. All about his needs, what he wants.

Booswig

Can't you move and complete the studies there. Most colleges give credit to people that completed modules at other places (if accredited).

shellyboo

Don't rearrange your life for a guy who's willing to break up with you because you didn't do what he wants. He took the decision to make the relationship long-distance, he cannot expect you to now come running. I'd break up with him on principle.

Seriously, OP... what he's asking you to do is not fair. If he can't stick out one more year for the sake of your degree, then he's obviously not all that fussed about the relationship, and he's selfish to boot.

LegacyUser

Hi guys, OP here, thank you so much for your replies. I feel very alone right now as I don't wanna tell friends just yet in case it gets sorted.

UPDATE:

I got everything sorted with the college - I was so chuffed and I messaged my bf with the good news which he had said would sort everything out. Haven't heard back in two days...

Right now I'm angry at him. Fair enough if he needs time to think but he could have the decency to let me know that first. He knows how unwell I am yet doesn't seem to care. I don't look for much support from him. I'm independent and tend to try and hide my illness as much as is possible (so much so that when people find out I am unwell they are shocked). Putting up that facade is tiring.

Ugh, I'm so stressed and I feel like all the power is in his hands.

username123

sadandworried wrote: »

Ugh, I'm so stressed and I feel like all the power is in his hands.

The only power he has is the power you give him. You are basing your emotional well being on what he wants. Why dont you do what you want to do for a change and see how he dances to the tune when youre playing it?

He sounds like he has prioritised what he wants out of life over any wishes you may have. You already got forced into a year long distance because of what he wants (to experience another culture), and now HE wants to stay for another year and if you can move over to him thats grand but if you cant HE doesnt want to do another year long distance.

I think its time you stoof up for yourself and the things you want in life and stop being bullied by whatever this guy wants. He is totally emotionally blackmailing you.

You have all the power in this particular situation, if I were you Id kick such a selfish git to the kerb and move on and find someone who actually cares about what you want and not just what he wants. Not supporting you in illness is horrible as well - is that what you want for yourself?

Given you are not tied together by marraige, children, property etc... make a clean break.

Im not really too clear on why you would want to be with someone so selfish and uncaring?

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thanks for your response. But that's just it. He's not selfish. He's very kind to me (apart from this). He treats me really well and I love him so much. If I didn't then I would breakup with him - I know from the outside it may seem like he's playing me for a fool but he was planning to move abroad before we got together. It's always been his dream. I wouldn't ever expect someone to cut their dream short for me. If it were not for my illness I'd be over there now. It's my fault this is happening. When we're together it's so great.

I'm going to wait to see what he says when he contacts me. I am a good girlfriend to him and I know I deserve to be treated right - everyone does. I wish right now that I didn't love him so much. I feel very vulnerable today. Been to the doctors earlier and I'm going on new treatment next week. I'd feel so much better if he'd just message me.

LegacyUser

OP again.


Still no word. He must just be sick of me at this stage. It's so upsetting how suddenly things can change. You're never safe. I feel so low and I know it's partly my illness talking but I don't see any future.