Homophobic Homosexual?

LegacyUser

Hey guys. I'm 21 and believe I am gay. To be honest, I have never kissed a guy, or even a girl, which is highly depressing to say the least. It's not because I'm ugly or anything, just that neither feels right!

I have these urges to be with guys (to be honest I'm not attracted to many guys) but then when I think about any two guys together it disturbs me. And if I'm looking at porn on the internet (and I really have to trawl through the stuff. 99% of it doesnt turn me on!) I am kinda turned off once it goes below the waist!

I also hate camp guys. No offence to camp guys, but just the way you act really annoys me and I don't know why. I guess I really hate any obvious homosexual things.

I feel like I'm somewhat homophobic. If I'm with my friends I'd use the expression fag, or call people gay jokingly and I wouldn't have a problem with saying those things.

Gay marriage? Don't agree with it. Gay couples adopting? Nope. Guys kissing/holding hands in public? Turns my stomach.

But at the end of all this, I am attracted to guys!

How can someone like me live a normal life when they hate everything about it? I do not want to come out, I don't want a gay relationship, but I want to be with someone. What can I do?

I probably have annoyed most of you on this forum with what I've said, and for that I'm sorry, but it's how I feel. I hope you can help. Thanks.

oisindoyle

Unregistered wrote: »

Hey guys. I'm 21 and believe I am gay. To be honest, I have never kissed a guy, or even a girl, which is highly depressing to say the least. It's not because I'm ugly or anything, just that neither feels right!

I have these urges to be with guys (to be honest I'm not attracted to many guys) but then when I think about any two guys together it disturbs me. And if I'm looking at porn on the internet (and I really have to trawl through the stuff. 99% of it doesnt turn me on!) I am kinda turned off once it goes below the waist!

I also hate camp guys. No offence to camp guys, but just the way you act really annoys me and I don't know why. I guess I really hate any obvious homosexual things.

I feel like I'm somewhat homophobic. If I'm with my friends I'd use the expression fag, or call people gay jokingly and I wouldn't have a problem with saying those things.

Gay marriage? Don't agree with it. Gay couples adopting? Nope. Guys kissing/holding hands in public? Turns my stomach.

But at the end of all this, I am attracted to guys!

How can someone like me live a normal life when they hate everything about it? I do not want to come out, I don't want a gay relationship, but I want to be with someone. What can I do?

I probably have annoyed most of you on this forum with what I've said, and for that I'm sorry, but it's how I feel. I hope you can help. Thanks.

Interesting post and full of contradictions,plus if some what worrying .by that i mean you show a lot of hate towards gay people .
Firstly you say you want to be with a guy but dont want to come out .you watch porn but are not turned on by it .
Re camp guys .Camp guys have the same fears worrys as you or I,many experience more hassle if you like than the less camp guy ..so give them a break and see things from their point of view.Be more tolerant and accepting .
You use the word fag or gay when with your friends ,again I would say that you should refrain from doing so and it creates and negativity towards anyone who is gay ,and theres NOTHING wrong with being gay .
I think you have created all these "hate" feelings towards all things gay because you think you may be gay yourself and this is your way of saying "I couldnt be gay sure lok at them Im not like that " ect ect
Gay people come in all shapes and sizes ,,not all are gay ,,not all like Madonna or Britney ,,some of us like our Guinness rugby soccer ect ect ...In other words get rid of your stereotypical thinking and look at the gay person for who he or she is .
I would ask that you stop with the hatred and start looking at yourself and see what you are doing and how you are behaving especially with your mates .
But as I said earlier your feelings are I think a defence mechanism as you do not want to face up to reality that you are attracted to guys and may be gay .
ALL gay guys at some stage in their life have what is called internatised homophobia,so it can be ok to a DEGREE....
The part of your comments where you say you disagree with gay marriage and adoption and 2 guys kissing disgusts you ...
You are entitled to your comments as WE ALL are but please try to lessen the hatred .....Why shouldnt I have equality just like straight people that just because you dont agree with it ,please show tolerance and acceptance ..
Re the guys kissing ,,,ALL gay guys at some stage when they were coming to terms with their sexuality thought the same.
Sexuality is not straight forward (scuse the pun) its a process ,its seems to me like you are going through a process of discovering who you are and there is no rush ....Only YOU can decided or know if you are gay and if you are ,theres no shame in it .
But for the moment I would ask that you look at how you view gay people and see that your hatred towards them (and your comments) and inappropriate ...
Gay people are normal as well you know ,its just we dont have equality YET..
If you want to pm me feel free to do so

Dwn Wth Vwls

It sounds like you're quite literally homophobic. It's quite common really, and I think in time you'll get over it if you give yourself a chance. The fact that you're posting here about it is a good sign. A lot of people find themselves disgusted or even revolted by sexual things at first, but with an open mind and some time you get used to it.

I'd probably suggest http://www.belongto.org/ and consider talking to someone in a therapy situation. You probably just need to talk about your feelings to someone so that you can really examine them and see if they're true. Meeting other "normal" gay guys might help you to realise that it's not all about the stereotypes either. (Though obviously there may be stereotypes abound too.)

Aard

I'm not going to give you much advice, other than to go to a psychotherapist if you feel that the thoughts you are having is affecting your quality of life.

Unregistered wrote: »

... I don't want a gay relationship, but I want to be with someone. What can I do?

It is possible to have no-strings-attached sex with another man. Some men who have sex with men don't even identify as gay.


As others have said, just take it slowly and see what happens. It is entirely possible that this is just a phase. Or you may end up as 100% gay. And keep an open mind too. Fighting any urges (gay or straight) just leads to conflict in the mind, which can lead to depression or anxiety.

renraw

i'm sorry but that post should be in ranting and raving! this is why soo many gay people have trouble! if theres gay people within the ranks (allbeit closet) being "homophobic", then its messed up.

I'm not going to sit here and say to you "you should see a psychologist or shrink".. that post is horrible...

You need to address stuff sir! you really do! HATE is a strong word and you use it on a discrimnatory level! I'm not camp but have lots of camp mates..... how dare ya stand there and hate people who are in effect the same as your good self GAY!

You decide if your gay, because from my point I believe you are very confused...I'm sorry mods

Dwn Wth Vwls

renraw wrote: »

i'm sorry but that post should be in ranting and raving! this is why soo many gay people have trouble! if theres gay people within the ranks (allbeit closet) being "homophobic", then its messed up.

I'm not going to sit here and say to you "you should see a psychologist or shrink".. that post is horrible...

You need to address stuff sir! you really do! HATE is a strong word and you use it on a discrimnatory level! I'm not camp but have lots of camp mates..... how dare ya stand there and hate people who are in effect the same as your good self GAY!

You decide if your gay, because from my point I believe you are very confused...I'm sorry mods

Give him a break, he's just being honest and he's asking for help. Hatred like that is to do with self-loathing and being completely confused. He's not proud of it or promoting it. If someone can't come forward anonymously on the Internet and say they have a problem, where can they? Your post is the only one I would find offensive here, it's not at all helpful.

Nebit

have you ever had any feelings for girls as well, or is it just guys?

cause tbh it sounds to me that you more pansexual than gay, i have a friend who classes herself as pansexual and she finds it hard to get anything out of watching porn too.
She doesn't really get attracted to girls or guys by walking down the street or anything, she has to know them first and is attracted ONLY by their personality, looks mean nothing to her.

btw the homophobia thing i really wouldn't worry too much about because it sounds as tho your only jus about to come out or have only come out recently, although i didn experiance it, i know of some others who did.

Abhainn-Rivers

I prefer to look at the word homophobic and try and gleam some understanding of what it means to me before condemning people for using it. Who knows the definition might be unique to him or mine to me.

Taxonomically Homo sapiens—Latin: "wise man" or "knowing man"). - en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homo_Sapien

Homo refering to man and sapien refering to wise or knowing in this case.

A phobia (from the φόβος, phóbos, "fear"), or morbid fear, is an irrational, intense, persistent fear of certain situations, activities, things, or people. The main symptom of this disorder is the excessive, unreasonable desire to avoid the feared subject. ... -en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phobic

Ironically the word to me seems to indicate a 'fear of man' and I would understand it as being a fear of oneself. Given the social recognition of the word, homophocic, I think it very prudent that it reflects an irrational fear of the idea of identifying as homosexual or gay.

I don't mean to psychological analyse someone over the net (well I'm not a psychologist anyway so couldn't do so) but sounds to be like you have all these associations on what it means to be gay running around in your head rather than exploring them safely. Now please, please don't assume I am suggesting that you run out and grab a guy for a night of debauchery to satisfy your questions cause this can cause more problems but by all means contact support groups like BeLonG To who can introduce you to other people who are questioning their sexuality and seeking guidance many people feel they are just for those in the know about their sexuality this isn't the case.

Some people, like those who are confident enough to express being camp, are great they can leap out onto "the scene" but in my experience many of them do so because its easier place for them to hide behind the sterotypes. Its not so much, 'why do you dress/act this way?', as it is why do I react to you dressing and acting this way? Like when you mentioned commenting about "fags" etc., I would suggest you consider stopping this because it can be a form of self conditioning, besides who knows it could be upsetting to your friends if any of them are questioning or gay as well or they have family members who are but are afraid for them with such comments.

I hope this has made some sense to you and hopefully to others.

Abhainn-Rivers

Also the reason I suggest BeLonG To is because they train up other groups like Rainbow Support Services in Limerick and I believe there are groups in Cork and Galway too. And their age range is typically from 13-25 for most of them but BeLonG To would be in the know about the nearest one to you.

Aard

Actually the "homo" in homophobic is of greek origin, not latin, and thus has the meaning of "same".


Edit: Also, calling Belong To a "support group" is a misnomer at best. Have you ever been involved in it?

Abhainn-Rivers

I'm probably going to regret using Wiki but here goes:

Tracing the origin of the word to the Greek 'homos' fails to make sense etymologically, because 'homo' means 'the same', which would render 'homophobia' to mean a fear of things that are the same.[6]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homophobia#cite_note-herek-5

And not BeLonG To but on their website they describe themselves as:

What Is BeLonGTo?
BeLonG To is an organisation for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgendered (LGBT) young people, aged between 14 and 23.

We provide safe, positive and fun environments for LGBT young people - facilitating them through exploration, development and growth so that they can access all their rights as equal citizens participate as agents in positive social change.

BeLonG To also provide a lobbying and campaigning voice on LGBT youth issues and works to support the development of youth services to LGBT young people throughout Ireland.

And didn't they recently reopen the coffee dock for people to meet and socialise as groups? That sounds like a support group to me? Certainly still a great resource for anyone starting out and seeking to make friends with others.

LegacyUser

I completely relate to this poster. I am 25 and gay, but honestly struggle with the fact that I fundamentally don't accept myself, or indeed the gay lifestyle. Sure, it's not a nice thing to hear, and I believe I will change over time, but I defo have issues with it. I can't stand to be around anyone camp - I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it, but it just disturbs me. It's my problem. I have experimented with the gay scene, but I have taken what I need from it, and enough to know I don't want it to play a major part in my life.

I think he raises a very valid point - that a person's sexuality is individual, and is not a choice. I guess it just takes alot of adjusting and adapting to what your own needs are. God knows my life would be a whole lot easier if I were straight!! Sorry if that's offensive.

Anyway, since I am older and supposedly wiser I will try to offer some words of encouragement. Well first of all you are definately not alone. There is someone out there for everybody. The stereotypical image of a gay man does not have to be the reality. I have met plenty of cool guys in my time to challenge my ideas of what it means to be gay - and it really has made me rethink my frankly homophobic views. And I do not necessarily mean on a casual sex basis - just normal mates. Why does it always have to be about sex?! The first guy I was ever with (and first person I ever kissed) was a "straight" housemate in college. People don't understand this - he is straight. He was my mate. I was the only guy he was ever with. Sure he fancies guys/girls, but the point is everybodys needs are unique.

Hope this make sense in some way!

Aard

They can say anything they like, but I have experience with Belong To, and I can categorically state that they did not provide any sort of "support" for me. My question again: have you ever been involved with Belong To? If not, then you are no authority on the matter.

mobius42

Aard wrote: »

They can say anything they like, but I have experience with Belong To, and I can categorically state that they did not provide any sort of "support" for me. My question again: have you ever been involved with Belong To? If not, then you are no authority on the matter.

Did you have a bad experience with Belong To?

Aard

Yes. I found it unwelcoming, cliqueish, and full of stereotypes. Difficult to make friends, and the one I did make turned out to be a stalker.


Like I said before though - some people seemed to fit right in; it just wasn't for me.

LegacyUser

Just to chime in here, I too have had a bad experience with Belongto. Like another poster, I felt unwelcome, the staff were ok, it seemed everyone was a stereotype gay guy, they all had their own groups and it was impossible to fit in (it's almost as if if you were not a stereotype you were not supposed to fit in). It was certainly NOT a support group. I was bitterly disappointed. It may suit some people, but for a regular joe soap like me, it was a completely negative, unhelpful, disappointing experience. From my own personal experience, I would not recommend it, particularly for unidentifiably gay/bi people. That said their email support is very good.

Untense

Unregistered wrote: »

Hey guys. I'm 21 and believe I am gay. To be honest, I have never kissed a guy, or even a girl, which is highly depressing to say the least. It's not because I'm ugly or anything, just that neither feels right!

When you say that neither feels right, taking in to account that you haven't actually kissed a guy or a girl yet, does the thought of kissing people have a different impact on you depending on their gender. If so, what is the difference ?

I have these urges to be with guys (to be honest I'm not attracted to many guys) but then when I think about any two guys together it disturbs me. And if I'm looking at porn on the internet (and I really have to trawl through the stuff. 99% of it doesnt turn me on!) I am kinda turned off once it goes below the waist!

I's not hugely uncommon for people to have a dislike for pornography, and many people find the 'typical' idea of good looks unappealing.

I also hate camp guys. No offence to camp guys, but just the way you act really annoys me and I don't know why. I guess I really hate any obvious homosexual things.

If you point the finger back at yourself and ask, "why do I get annoyed by this" You might get some interesting answers. It's obviously not camp guys that are the problem, since there are plenty of people who don't have the same reaction as you do. The question is what is going on in your thinking.

I feel like I'm somewhat homophobic. If I'm with my friends I'd use the expression fag, or call people gay jokingly and I wouldn't have a problem with saying those things.

They're just words. The use of them in themselves don't make you a homophobe, and not everybody finds them offensive.
The question I'd ask if I were you, is why you use them around your friends? Is it because they're also doing it and it's just habit among your friends, or do you feel it somehow detracts suspicion from you?

Gay marriage? Don't agree with it. Gay couples adopting? Nope.
Guys kissing/holding hands in public? Turns my stomach.

You like everyone else were brought up to see things in a certain way. As kids we are told not to cross a road without holding our parent's hand - we obey that without question.
If you grew up in the states and had no knowledge that other Countries operate differently, you would find it confusing and odd to arrive in a foreign land and find people driving on the left hand side of the road. Just because the same person has European roots, does not mean they're suddenly free from what they've learned growing up.

It's one thing when you're talking about driving, if you bring it back to something as deeply personal as your sexuality, in a time when there is still a level of disgust and revulsion at the idea of two people of the same sex being affectionate, it's clear to see why you would see it that way, and feel the things you do.

But at the end of all this, I am attracted to guys!

Who you're attracted to is not something you can learn or unlearn, it simply is. The other stuff you mentioned above is merely stuff you learned, and you can unlearn it if you want to.

How can someone like me live a normal life when they hate everything about it? I do not want to come out, I don't want a gay relationship, but I want to be with someone. What can I do?

Of course you won't want to come out or have a relationship if you're still holding the beliefs you grew up with. The truth is those beliefs in your head aren't accurate to reality.
Just as a cibophobic (phobia of food) gets disgusted by food because of the thoughts in their head, not because of any problem with the food.

It changes with time, provided you're prepared to question those old beliefs.

I probably have annoyed most of you on this forum with what I've said, and for that I'm sorry, but it's how I feel. I hope you can help. Thanks.

I don't think you've annoyed that many people. I think many many gay people have felt what you felt when they first started to come to terms with things.

Donnaghm

I went through a similar phase but I kept my homophobic thoughts entirely to myself because I knew I would have to come out someday or I will have a nervous breakdown. I knew I'd look like an absolute immoral gob****e if I used homophobic language and came out myself eventually. I guess I was homophobic because I had this ingrained ideal about who I must turn out to be(family man etc) from parents and wider society and resented the fact that I'll never marry in a church and produce kids etc and win everyone's misplaced approval. The most virilently homophobic tend to be homosexual themselves.

Once you accept yourself, you should loose these irrational prejudices.

Abhainn-Rivers

Aard wrote: »

They can say anything they like, but I have experience with Belong To, and I can categorically state that they did not provide any sort of "support" for me. My question again: have you ever been involved with Belong To? If not, then you are no authority on the matter.

Actually you seem to be working under the misnomer that I owe you some credientials here and I don't. As a member of Boards.ie like you I am free to offer my opinion. Now I'm new here so I maybe mistaken but I don't recal seeing anything in the rules about needing to be an "authority" on any of the subject matter.

Aard wrote: »

Yes. I found it unwelcoming, cliqueish, and full of stereotypes. Difficult to make friends, and the one I did make turned out to be a stalker...Like I said before though - some people seemed to fit right in; it just wasn't for me.

With respect you will find that in ANY established group. Most people tend to adopt the mannerisms and styles of the groups they hang out with. While this may not be for you to emulate beyond the established stereotype lies the opportunity to form new social groups with others. So in my opinion did you not only miss out on seeing past the stereotypes to the person but on meeting others that could have been part of a group which offers the support you mentioned to me before.

Please understand I do not say this to be confrontational as I am sure that you are lovely to meet but I don't agree with villainizing an organisation because of perceptions based on the superficial actions of a few. And it prevents others from meeting people at moments of synchronicity that allow for new social groups to develop.

Abhainn-Rivers

Unregistered wrote: »

Just to chime in here, I too have had a bad experience with Belongto. Like another poster, I felt unwelcome, the staff were ok, it seemed everyone was a stereotype gay guy, they all had their own groups and it was impossible to fit in (it's almost as if if you were not a stereotype you were not supposed to fit in). It was certainly NOT a support group. I was bitterly disappointed. It may suit some people, but for a regular joe soap like me, it was a completely negative, unhelpful, disappointing experience. From my own personal experience, I would not recommend it, particularly for unidentifiably gay/bi people. That said their email support is very good.

Well have you mentioned this feeling to BeLonG To on their email? Perhaps with the information you provide they can set up some other viable ways to reach out to the "unidentifiably gay/bi" people, personally I think more needs to be offered for those identifying as bi or questioning. I'm sure the feedback will be most welcome.

Indeed maybe ask to set up some events that might be more appropriate for the non-identifiably gay/bi people either?

Aard

It seems as though I have more experience with Belong To than you do, and thus probably can give a more accurate description on the so-called support it provides. If it is indeed the case that you have more experience, then I will retract my comment about your lack of authority on the matter.


Also, please see my post here: http://boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=61592990&postcount=7

Abhainn-Rivers

Aard wrote: »

It seems as though I have more experience with Belong To than you do, and thus probably can give a more accurate description on the so-called support it provides. If it is indeed the case that you have more experience, then I will retract my comment about your lack of authority on the matter.

Honestly I'm not that pushed. If my posts aren't to your liking then you know I'm sure I'll survive. I've responded to Unregistered's post as I set out to do. I find it odd that you're not demanding others supply such details of their "authority" on the matter.

I would like to clarify I did not pressume that Unregistered is based in Dublin or has access to BeLonG To merely that he contact them for others nearby him. He might stumble on a group of people that works for him and not need to attend BeLonG To. Or he may find a group that will make a nice crowd to hang with but not be friends. There is nothing binding about attending BeLonG To or other such groups (which I do have experience with despite your exclamations) and he can sample and leave at any time. I study social groups for the record and while I don't claim to be an "authority" I do sense I might have a bit more than you on the matter.

Aard

Abhainn-Rivers wrote: »

I find it odd that you're not demanding others supply such details of their "authority" on the matter.

The reason I'm not going after others is that nobody else challenged my opinion that calling Belong To a "support" group is a misnomer.

Abhainn-Rivers wrote: »

There is nothing binding about attending BeLonG To or other such groups (which I do have experience with despite your exclamations)...

I never claimed that you have no experience with Belong To, but rather that I have more experience with it than you do. (And I was specifically talking about Belong To, not "other such groups").

Abhainn-Rivers wrote: »

I study social groups for the record and while I don't claim to be an "authority" I do sense I might have a bit more than you on the matter.

So have you studied Belong To then? Again, the "authority" that I'm talking about is specifically in regard to Belong To and not social groups in general.

Abhainn-Rivers

Aard wrote: »

The reason I'm not going after others is that nobody else challenged my opinion that calling Belong To a "support" group is a misnomer.

Why go after anyone? And I didn't challenge this I challenge the method by which you came after me and attacked my posts. Believe it or not I hadn't noticed you posting until you addressed me because I'd mentioned Belong To and others had mentioned it before me. And what I said was it COULD function as a support group. If it doesn't, like you, its because he doesn't get anything from it.

Aard wrote: »

I never claimed that you have no experience with Belong To, but rather that I have more experience with it than you do. (And I was specifically talking about Belong To, not "other such groups").

Does goading people usually work for you? Well congrats its worked this time anyway. BeLonG To as the longest established group, offer training for other groups. So answer is yes, albeit not in the context to which I'm sure would be your interest.

Aard wrote: »

So have you studied Belong To then? Again, the "authority" that I'm talking about is specifically in regard to Belong To and not social groups in general.

If I had I wouldn't air it on public fora. Sorry.

Abhainn-Rivers

Aard wrote: »

I never claimed that you have no experience with Belong To, but rather that I have more experience with it than you do. (And I was specifically talking about Belong To, not "other such groups").

Just what is your experience? I mean how long did you attend? What circumstances? What level of involvement did you display? Did you attend many of their functions or events?

You may have mentioned these elsewhere but in the context of this thread I've not seen them and would appreciate understanding to which authority you speak from.

Boston

Your location said Leitrim, which suggests you've had no direct personal involvement with the Dublin based "belongto group", as such you observations as to what services/support they may be able to provide have little concrete bearing.

I stopped linking to belong after one person I adviced to seek support there started coming out with some half baked, poorly thought out and clearly not his own, views with regards gay politics. The definite suggestion of which was that there's an under current of trying to get kids to think along certain moral and philosophical lines.

Nina Colada

Friend of mine used say this exact thing when we were in school, alot of people branded him ignorant or homophobe etc..
Turned out he ended up being in a gay relationship 4 years later, and 5 years on they are still together.

He admitted having a lot of deep rooting problems, it would be tough but did you ever consider councilling?

It must have been hard to admit all that on the forum because alot of people are gonna brand you an asshole after reading it.
But you cant help how you feel, best of luck anyways.x

renraw

Dwn Wth Vwls wrote: »

Give him a break, he's just being honest and he's asking for help. Hatred like that is to do with self-loathing and being completely confused. He's not proud of it or promoting it. If someone can't come forward anonymously on the Internet and say they have a problem, where can they? Your post is the only one I would find offensive here, it's not at all helpful.

I am sorry if you find my post offence but my opinion is that if someone is confused (and I do have sympathy) that they keep their (jokes) to themselves and not berate gay people because they are confused with friends or otherwise. That will only exaerbate the situation for the OP and his feelings even further.

If my nature dictated that I was racist, I would not call mionoritys names, even jokingly because it isn't right to dicriminate against people, regardless of gender etc and do oit through "humour"... It is best to keep comments such as calling gay people names private when in company. My own personal opinion is that live and let live and not discriminate and not joke with friends about someone's sexuality or mannerisms. I cannot stand contradictory people as it serves no purpose and those who wish to embark on a moral crusade to save the planet, then do so in a professional manner and accept that such things as the OP has said, happen in real life.

LegacyUser

This is the original poster here.

You know it is very tough going through my life and not being able to express myself as I would like.

Being gay isn't something I would ever chose, and I doubt anyone else would either. I predict some replies saying otherwise, but seriously, who doesn't want to have a normal life (yes, being straight is the norm).

I just don't know who I am anymore. I am just living a lie. To my parents. To my friends. People I meet on a daily basis. I can never be perfectly at ease, ever. I can never fully enjoy a night out. I see these good looking guys in the pub. Can I chat them up? No. I would get the **** kicked out of me. If it was a girl I'd have no problem, and if they weren't interested, no one cares.

You might suggest going to a gay bar? But I don't want to go into a club with nothing but guys wearing their rainbow coloured scarves, stud in the ear and acting like women. And don't say it doesnt happen, because I know thats how it is.

My brothers have girlfriends and are getting on with their lives and my mother is always asking if I've found anyone yet. That in itself is depressing. I am by no means depressed, at least I don't think so!

Recently I got chatting to a guy that was on gaydar. I got chatting to him online, and that was the closest I have ever been to actually "being gay" and talking about it. Ashamadely I exchanged pictures with him, but now everytime I think back, I look on it as something I should have never have done.

My biggest problem is where I go online, tell people my problem, receive advice then do nothing about it. Like here. You guys are telling me to talk to someone, or go to a group, but that is a huge thing for me. You wouldn't believe how huge. The thought that someone knows I am gay is very frightening to me.

I do believe I have issues with being gay. I know I'm refusing to accept it. I think maybe if I talked with someone who is in my position, or has been, even online, it might help. All I see everyday is the gay stereotype, mainly because you can basically see they are gay! But the so called "straight acting" guys, I am beginning to think they dont exist. Or if they do exist, they are all in the closet.

Another thing that has sprung to mind is the perception of gay guys. They are seen as these feminine guys with limp wrists. Even I see them this way. It's really something that I don't want to be associated with. I don't think I am wrong in saying this. You can't deny that there are certain people you just don't like or want to be associated with, say for example skangers.

Sorry about this post being a total mish mash of statements, and I think I've veered well off topic, but I'm just writing down my thoughts as they come to me, because tomorrow I'll forget them all and will have regreted writing this.

dubcitycentre

To the original poster...im afraid you are gay and you will just have to deal with it. And as was ridiculously suggested (byAard i think), this is not a phase so dont waste your time waiting for it to pass. There is no such thing as a gay phase. You are gay or you are not. However, there is the possibility that you could be bisexual, which of course is fine too.
You have the same feelings most gay people have when they are 13 or 14 but for some reason you are not letting yourself get past it. You still have a high sense of internalized homophobia. You are gay (or bisexual) and you hate yourself for it. You hate camp people becasue they are an obvious and outward manifestation of what you hate....your gay self. Stop with all this hate and get some help. Talk to poeple, someone, anyone. There is nothing wrong with your feelings. You are not enjoying sex or pornography becasue you are not allowing yourself too. It has been instilled in you over the years, as a result of your upbringing/environment, that sex is dirty and bad, particularly gay sex. i empathize with you but you are just gonna have to deal with it. As for calling people queers, fags whatever, this is extremely childish and ignorant, especially since you have those feelings yourself. It shows an extremely weak and cconfused character annd I hope some day you will grow up and be a man someday. Just remember, everytime you hate a camp guy, its you you are actually hating and everytime you call someone a fag, its yourself you are insulting so how are you ever gonna accept yourself if you publicly berate yourslef?

Aard

dubcitycentre wrote: »

And as was ridiculously suggested (byAard i think), this is not a phase so dont waste your time waiting for it to pass.

I never said it was a phase; I said it is possible that it was a phase. There is a difference - please don't put words in my mouth.

Boston

dubcitycentre wrote: »

To the original poster...im afraid you are gay and you will just have to deal with it. And as was ridiculously suggested (byAard i think), this is not a phase so dont waste your time waiting for it to pass. There is no such thing as a gay phase.

Of course there is, I find your rigid view of sexuality most peculiar. Most people will experience shifts in sexuality throughout their life. That may manifest itself in a simply change in taste (Liking red heads, when you never liked them before, or going for the Shy type when you normally like the loud confident sort) but for a few the shift will be far more dramatic and they will go from liking the same sex -> liking both genders -> liking the opposite sex -> being A sexual (In whatever order). To transformation from being sexual to being non sexual isn't that uncommon for people of advancing age.

In a nutshell, yes it could be a phase, people change. But you need to be honest with yourself and realise that just because you wish something were true doesn't make it so.

Pensk

I haven't read the whole thread, so sorry if I'm repeating anyone else.

If you don't really think guys or girls seem right, maybe you're asexual? I don't know too much about that, so wanting to be with someone probably means that you're not. I used to feel the way you do sort of, about the whole LGB couples being disgusting, but I'm waaaaay over that and have even..never mind.

When I see a gay couple now, I respect that they don't care what people think. Almost every single one of my friends (definitely more than 3/4) are bi or gay, and two of my closest friends are bi too. It's really nothing to be ashamed of, or anything that big, so do whatever makes you happy!

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Boston wrote: »

Of course there is, I find your rigid view of sexuality most peculiar. Most people will experience shifts in sexuality throughout their life. That may manifest itself in a simply change in taste (Liking red heads, when you never liked them before, or going for the Shy type when you normally like the loud confident sort) but for a few the shift will be far more dramatic and they will go from liking the same sex -> liking both genders -> liking the opposite sex -> being A sexual (In whatever order). To transformation from being sexual to being non sexual isn't that uncommon for people of advancing age.

In a nutshell, yes it could be a phase, people change. But you need to be honest with yourself and realise that just because you wish something were true doesn't make it so.

I did reply this but the mod seemed to not wanna show it for whatever reason. There is no gay phase. I guarantee that this person will still feel the same in 10, 20 or 30 years. Live your life, accept who you are and do not wait for this "phase" to pass. U are born straight, gay or bi. By the commenter saying it is a phase suggests that we learn to be gay, bi or straight for a short period, only to re-learn to be something else. I dont know any logical person who would say they learned to be gay, bi or straight. It is just who they are. It is the way you were born. Some scientists believe homosexuality is a tool of evolution to prevent overpopulation and competition for suitable mates. A funny example to back this claim up is the "gay" elephant in a Polish zoo, who refuses point blank to mate with female elephants and instead tries only to mount the males. One idiotic polish politician thought it was an outrage and demanded the exportation or euthaniasia of the animal....unbelievable!
Anyway, back to the point. It is not a phase. Stop hating yourself and start accepting who you are. Its perfectly normal and NATURAL. Id love to hear Charles Darwins take on homosexuality and evolution.

blackswan

oisindoyle wrote: »

Interesting post and full of contradictions,plus if some what worrying .by that i mean you show a lot of hate towards gay people .
Firstly you say you want to be with a guy but dont want to come out .you watch porn but are not turned on by it .
Re camp guys .Camp guys have the same fears worrys as you or I,many experience more hassle if you like than the less camp guy ..so give them a break and see things from their point of view.Be more tolerant and accepting .
You use the word fag or gay when with your friends ,again I would say that you should refrain from doing so and it creates and negativity towards anyone who is gay ,and theres NOTHING wrong with being gay .
I think you have created all these "hate" feelings towards all things gay because you think you may be gay yourself and this is your way of saying "I couldnt be gay sure lok at them Im not like that " ect ect
Gay people come in all shapes and sizes ,,not all are gay ,,not all like Madonna or Britney ,,some of us like our Guinness rugby soccer ect ect ...In other words get rid of your stereotypical thinking and look at the gay person for who he or she is .
I would ask that you stop with the hatred and start looking at yourself and see what you are doing and how you are behaving especially with your mates .
But as I said earlier your feelings are I think a defence mechanism as you do not want to face up to reality that you are attracted to guys and may be gay .
ALL gay guys at some stage in their life have what is called internatised homophobia,so it can be ok to a DEGREE....
The part of your comments where you say you disagree with gay marriage and adoption and 2 guys kissing disgusts you ...
You are entitled to your comments as WE ALL are but please try to lessen the hatred .....Why shouldnt I have equality just like straight people that just because you dont agree with it ,please show tolerance and acceptance ..
Re the guys kissing ,,,ALL gay guys at some stage when they were coming to terms with their sexuality thought the same.
Sexuality is not straight forward (scuse the pun) its a process ,its seems to me like you are going through a process of discovering who you are and there is no rush ....Only YOU can decided or know if you are gay and if you are ,theres no shame in it .
But for the moment I would ask that you look at how you view gay people and see that your hatred towards them (and your comments) and inappropriate ...
Gay people are normal as well you know ,its just we dont have equality YET..
If you want to pm me feel free to do so

well said

Curious Obsever

I really appreciate the dilemma you are in. I always hated the "scene" and after a few encounters, avoided it like the plague.

As an older gay person who likes to keep himself to himself, I would say that you should join other clubs, groups, language classes, etc, to widen your circle of acquaintance - if you are lucky, you may meet someone of like mind. It is not easy and I suspect that, in the case of gay men, the eternal search of perfection is a barrier. But do keep trying.

Annasopra

Curious Obsever wrote: »

I really appreciate the dilemma you are in. I always hated the "scene" and after a few encounters, avoided it like the plague.

As an older gay person who likes to keep himself to himself, I would say that you should join other clubs, groups, language classes, etc, to widen your circle of acquaintance - if you are lucky, you may meet someone of like mind. It is not easy and I suspect that, in the case of gay men, the eternal search of perfection is a barrier. But do keep trying.

Just to point out. This thread is 3 years old.

Meesared

Zombie thread neeeeeeds peaceeeeeee