Am I being unreasonable?

LegacyUser

My ex asked me in June if he could take our eight yr old son to Florida in August for two weeks. He is entitled to five days under the court order. I agreed subject to dates and on the agreement that this was not going to be a regular event, last I heard was on June 23rd when he was waiting to hear back from the travel agent. A couple weeks later, I casually asked my son what was happening as I had not heard back from his dad and found out that just a couple days after telling the child about the holiday, he cancelled due to money. I was furious for my son but said nothing.

Today I got a text asking if I was aware that his 2 week holidays with the child started tomorrow. He got snotty and personally abusive when I said that he could take the child until Sunday only as we had plans. I only offered that to try keep the peace and am not obliged to do this with no notice. I also know that he has to work some of next week.

He said that he asked the child some time ago if he wanted to spend the two weeks at his house instead. This I know is untrue and the child has no knowledge of it.Even so, he would need to discuss this with me not the child.

Everytime I don't give him what he wants, he gets nasty, It has been mainly amicable this year but that is because I have given him lots of extra access.I am considering going back to the solicitor tomorrow as I am fed up of him trying to control me. At the same time,I don't want to create a situation where he is saying one thing to the child and me another.It is probably too late though.He is very manipulative with my son also but the child is too young to realise it.

Anyway, I just wanted peoples opinions of whether I am being unfair as he has said in a rather crude way.

sunzz

Perhaps stop making your child the go to person in the middle and discuss these issues with your ex, your child is in an awful position and both of you are to blame.

Can't imagine what its like having his mum asking him about his dad and vice versa and he/she trying to keep the peace.

LegacyUser

I never made him the go between. I just asked him casually if there was any more news on the holiday. Also he has no idea I was on to his dad today. I just know he would have said something if he knew anything about spending two weeks with his dad in Ireland.

banquo

sunzz wrote: »

Can't imagine what its like having his mum asking him about his dad and vice versa and he/she trying to keep the peace.

It's the worst thing that will ever happen to you in your whole life, I can tell you that right now.

The dad should have made clear his plans. The nasty thing is a personality thing - probably one of many reasons you're not together. I say this as a son of an extremely bitter divorce: your son needs to spend a lot of quality time with his father, however much an ass the dad might be. He might be a total asshole, but your son will still be more comfortable and confident in himself after a two week holiday. It's how he learns to be a man. Not necessarily the man you divorced, but a man in himself.

So my personal advice is to bite the bullet for any of his insults to you and for whatever plans you made for Sunday (assuming they're smaller than a trip to Florida) and put him on the plane.

shellyboo

I suggest you ask your son if he wants to go to his Dad's for two weeks, and if he does, let him go. Forget the petty points-scoring and do whatever makes your son happy.

mirwillbeback

banquo wrote: »

It's the worst thing that will ever happen to you in your whole life, I can tell you that right now.

The dad should have made clear his plans. The nasty thing is a personality thing - probably one of many reasons you're not together. I say this as a son of an extremely bitter divorce: your son needs to spend a lot of quality time with his father, however much an ass the dad might be. He might be a total asshole, but your son will still be more comfortable and confident in himself after a two week holiday. It's how he learns to be a man. Not necessarily the man you divorced, but a man in himself.

So my personal advice is to bite the bullet for any of his insults to you and for whatever plans you made for Sunday (assuming they're smaller than a trip to Florida) and put him on the plane.

I've been in exactly this place after my parent's separated when I was 13. No matter how the OP thinks the child isn't aware, have no doubt they are. Doing this can leave long term emotional damage to the child, when it really is only about power for the parents.
If the child want to let them, if they don't - don't agree.
I see this all the time and it's disgraceful.

LegacyUser

Are you being unreasonable. OP?

Yes. You are using the child to get at your ex.

Parents all over the world are cancelling holidays this year, due to lack of finance, yet you feel you should deny your child time with his Dad, just because plans changed. Why should his Dad have to clear his holiday destination plans with you? Do you know "better" what is good, or right, for your son?

The child will be the only loser in this, and you will not come out of it smelling of roses.

iguana

banquo wrote: »

So my personal advice is to bite the bullet for any of his insults to you and for whatever plans you made for Sunday (assuming they're smaller than a trip to Florida) and put him on the plane.

There is no plane, the OP's ex canceled the trip but still wants to take the boy for the time even though as far as the OP is aware he will be working during that time. I do agree that the father should still be allowed to take his son for the holiday time, as long as there is no concern for the boy's safety with him. But the OP does have a right to know if the father is working in that time and what arrangements he has made for their son, plus a vague idea of where they will be and what they will be doing.

I agree with the other posters that have said the OP and the father need to communicate more. Once the OP knew the holiday to Florida wasn't happening she should have contacted her ex and discussed alternative arrangements. It might grate, if her ex isn't being forthcoming, but it's necessary for her son, so she'll just have to try.

StormWarrior

I think that, for your son's sake, you should meet up with your ex, offer him an olive branch and ask if from now on you two can behave amicably towards each other, and try to accomodate each other with regards to spending time with the boy. If he refuses to modify his behaviour after this, at least you've tried, but even if he does refuse, it's no reason for you to behave badly as well. The only loser will be your son.

LegacyUser

OP here.

This isn't about point scoring or my son really. Believe when I say I am so far past the point scoring stage. I am married with more children and step children and have too many other things to be doing. At the same time I am also entitled to my plans and time with my son.

My son is very happy with his life these days, loves going to his dad but is equally happy to come home to me, my husband and his brother and sisters.


Look at it this way:

1. you make plans based on a request from someone.
2. that person cancels without telling you directly. Just passes a message through a third party.
3. that person contacts you the day before the original scheduled day demanding you comply with his new changed plans and gets personally abusive because you now have other plans and cannot comply fully.

My question is about how to handle someone who I feel tries to constantly change the rules to suit himself but gets unreasonable and abusive when I can or will not always give in to his demands.

This has been going on for years. He has wished death or injury on me in the past, called me all kinds of nasty things, and claimed me mentally unstable and an unfit mother. He only got involved with the child three years ago because he found out I was in a settled relationship and expecting another child. Before that he popped up once a year or so than disappeared again. Last time I wanted to go away for a week, he turned up at the door to cause a scene and he wasn't even losing any access time.

I cannot discuss this with my husband or family any more as they will go mental.

Xiney

Unregistered wrote: »

1. you make plans based on a request from someone.
2. that person cancels without telling you directly. Just passes a message through a third party.
3. that person contacts you the day before the original scheduled day demanding you comply with his new changed plans and gets personally abusive because you now have other plans and cannot comply fully.

Just wondering if there was a step 2.5 where you and he had a chat about the florida plans being cancelled and what was going on?

He did have your permission to have your son for two weeks to go to florida, and while it may have been wrong for him to assume that if he wasn't going to florida your son would still be spending the two weeks with him, but I see this as a possible lack of direct communication issue.

iguana

Unregistered wrote: »

Look at it this way:

1. you make plans based on a request from someone.
2. that person cancels without telling you directly. Just passes a message through a third party.
3. that person contacts you the day before the original scheduled day demanding you comply with his new changed plans and gets personally abusive because you now have other plans and cannot comply fully.

The thing is though that it seems he didn't cancel. He canceled the Florida trip but assumed he could still have your son on those dates. You didn't clarify and he assumed he didn't need to. You both really need to communicate better. It doesn't really matter if he behaves badly toward you or hasn't always been a good guy. He is your son's father and you have a duty to your son to have clear arrangements in place. Even if it's you who does all the work and your ex is a prat, it's better for your son that things are as clear and amicable as possible. Be the bigger person for your son's sake.

LoanShark

OP,

I think you are being a bit OTT about this, at least you have the father of your child wanting to be in volved in his life, and giving you the chance to have some time to yourself!
The child needs to be near his father and to have that bond with him,you may think that you are doing what is right for the child but in long run you are putting a wedge between them and then maybe in the future it could backfire and could become between you!

Overheal

I would have responded to this sooner but having written 2 long ones for it and watching them both get lost to power outtages and program crashes, I put it off a bit.

sunzz wrote: »

Can't imagine what its like having his mum asking him about his dad and vice versa and he/she trying to keep the peace.

Oh if only I had to imagine... /rant went here/

iguana wrote: »

The thing is though that it seems he didn't cancel. He canceled the Florida trip but assumed he could still have your son on those dates. You didn't clarify and he assumed he didn't need to. You both really need to communicate better. It doesn't really matter if he behaves badly toward you or hasn't always been a good guy. He is your son's father and you have a duty to your son to have clear arrangements in place. Even if it's you who does all the work and your ex is a prat, it's better for your son that things are as clear and amicable as possible. Be the bigger person for your son's sake.

+eleventy.


Communication must always be directly between you and your ex, and never through your child. Kids are bright. They know whats going on. As stressful as you think it is on You to go directly to your ex husband, it is 100 times more stressful on your child to feel like they are stuck in the middle of all that ****. They will breed resentment, and hatred, for the pair of you if you let that happen. I personally assure you. Similarly you should never involve your kids in the discussions about Child Support, Court Battles, etc. - as much as it "is"(?) their business - its really, really not.

Im not saying thats the case here, Im just reiterating.

Banquo wrote:

The dad should have made clear his plans. The nasty thing is a personality thing - probably one of many reasons you're not together. I say this as a son of an extremely bitter divorce: your son needs to spend a lot of quality time with his father, however much an ass the dad might be. He might be a total asshole, but your son will still be more comfortable and confident in himself after a two week holiday. It's how he learns to be a man. Not necessarily the man you divorced, but a man in himself.

I have to agree: I would much rather learn straight from the horses mouth, than have one of my parents insisting to me that the other is an ass and I should just take their word for it.

On a final note always be mindful of behavioral issues with your child and consider Counseling if they wont talk to you about it. There is plenty I would rather not have said to my parents, but still needed to be said. Of course, I was always paranoid a counselor was going to divulge all the details of our conversations anyway, so I never uttered a peep to one of them either. I suppose someone should have told me I was obliged to some level of privacy in those sessions :rolleyes:

metrovelvet

It sounds as if it wasnt clear that the two week provision was based on the trip to Florida going ahead. Very simple and easy miscommunication to happen. Are you sure there was a trip to Florida in the first place or just a ploy to get more time? If he's as manipulative as you say he is this is possible.

Its all very easy for people here to say you have to be clear and no matter what a prick his father is you have the bite the bullet, but there comes a point where no, Im sorry, you dont have to take it. ANd when you're dealing with people that manipulative you cant communicate well, because they use obfuscation and deliberately miscommunicate to retain power.