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Confusion

  • 10-08-2009 9:55pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    A few months (April? May?) back I posted here in a thread called 'My Marriage'. I can't find it now but I said that I was in a marriage, mid 30s, crap sex, nice man but lots of resentment...

    I also said that I had had a lover previously who I had broken off contact with to try to make it work with my husband.

    I got some lovely thoughtful replies. A few weeks later I opened up a discussion with my husband about our relationship and out of the blue, he said that HE was prepared to break up as we were not living a quality life together and had become like friends. I accepted this though with sadness of course.

    In the weeks/months it took him to actually leave... over time, we started to get on really well again and love each other again. He left a month ago, but before he left he said that he'd changed his mind and would go away (abroad) for a month or two and take some time out but that he knew he wanted to stay together. I also felt incredibly close to him again but told him to go, take the time out and see how we feel then.

    But... in the weeks just after we decided to break up, I contacted my ex lover again and said that my husband was leaving and we would be together. I meant it when I said it. My lover is a very nice man who has done everything he could/can to enable a relationship. He wants marriage and family with me. And I love him. I have seen him over the past three weekends and I'm freaked out because I still feel loyal to my husband but am going through this out of guilt towards my lover for leading him on for so long (was seeing him for over a year before breaking up with him... and now I've dragged him back into a relationship again). But also I feel like my husband and I have actually reached a point where maybe we could put our bitter past behind us, he called me earlier and said that - only I'm sleeping with someone else, someone I love, again.

    I'm torturing the lover cause he is a slightly clingy type (but don't get the wrong idea, he's a good guy and I have given him lots of reason to be insecure). My deepest bond is with my husband but seeing my lover makes me excited like a teenager. We have known each other a number of years and I still feel this way, emotionally and sexually.

    But in alot of other ways, my husband and I understand each other beautifully and maybe we are more similar kind of people? Maybe not. In the weeks before my husband left I tossed and turned all night everynight thinking that I wanted to stick with him, not start again with my lover. But he is also way more hard work.

    I walked into this with my eyes open. This is not even a new situation to me as I had cheated on my husband with this man before. But I can't seem to get out of it. After two years of confusion I see that I can love either man .... but can't let go of the other one?

    My husband is talking about coming back here in the next three weeks (he has stuff here still and at the moment he believes we will start again) so I need to sort this out at last. I am TERRIFIED of my lover's hurt reaction if I break up with him, I cannot handle hurting him, even though I'm actually doing it all the time. Also I have been bonding with him again in the past few weeks and falling in love again.

    Maybe I just can't let go of my husband? But I love him too, or maybe I just love our understanding of each other. Eitherway, although our relationship is hard work and has a long and difficult back story, we are not a terrible couple.

    Also sometimes I think, as I had been trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant with my husband, and both guys want kids, especially my lover, perhaps its unfair of me to stay in either relationship?

    I realise how all this sounds. As time goes on I've become more and more passive and know less and less what I want, and I am wasting my valuable 30s - and theirs. I know no-one here has the answer but your thoughts are appreciated. No need to go on about how selfish and undeserving I am because I've already put myself in the rubbish bin over it.

    Thanks.


Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OMG...What a mess, my only advice is to get out of both relationships and pick yourself, get some space and some perspective and get to know yourself.
    What happens if you get pregnant, what a life you have lined up for a baby, three lives are already suffering without adding a 4th.
    You are lucky to have 2 people care for you but neither of these seem like healthy loving realtionships.
    Get to love yourself again, let these guys go, and in time the right one will come along, be it someone you already know or not.
    Best of luck


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I'm not brave enough to do that.

    Maybe there isn't anything better for me? Thats probably a cop out. What I'm trying to say is that fear is part of all my decisions (especially the ones I don't make!)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Oh wow, you have some serious problems there. Surely there is one that you actually want? Maybe you are looking at your husband through rose coloured glasses? If there is so much bitterness there then maybe you should let him go. Why do you want to stay with him?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi op, It sounds to me like your just using your lover. You only got back in touch when you thought your marrage was over. He stands to get really hurt. You need to make the decision before you make this any worse. I know its not easy but its vital and someone is going to get hurt. Think long and hard about who would make you most happy


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,025 ✭✭✭muboop1


    Do you actually love both partners???

    It seems to me like your "lover" is in fact, a safety net.

    You toss and turn and can't sleep worrying over husband or whatever, next thing you jump into bed with "lover" and all is forgotten until reality hits you...

    Your husband wants to come home.

    Now you are feeling guilty...
    You led on this poor man...

    Woman grow a pair, tell the lover you are sorry but you have to give your marriage a go again, if you want that even...

    And i seriously mean this. NEVER contact the lover again if you value the marriage or respect the lover at all...

    You clearly don't respect either partner and i personally believe you don't deserve either, but i don;t know the whole situation so i could be wrong.

    But you seem to have you "lover" as a little puppy who will do whatever you want and come when you call etc...

    I don't ever respect that man after how you describe your relationship(harsh but i don't...)

    You sound like you are manupiluating him...

    Do him a favor and cut all contact.

    Let him down gently.

    And either give you marriage a go or call it quits.

    If you give it a go, cna you live with guilt knowing you are to put it bluntly "****ing" another man to get your kicks?

    I don't believe you love the lover btw...
    Doesn't come across in your post at all...

    Hes an outlet for excitement, or forgotten youth or something... but you don't treat people you love like that...

    Stop messing these guys over and decide what you want.

    To have your husband come home and give it a go, or be single?(do you fear this? is this why you have a safety net?)
    Or make a break with it for your lover...
    However, you owe the lover so damn much, and i think you would break him if you got with him.
    you've probably destroyed his self confidence, crushed his morals...

    enjoy your decision...


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    Totally with muboop1 on this.

    Seems like you just cannot be alone.
    Not sure if you are afraid or just so insecure that you have to have a crutch there always. There are so many things I would like to say here but I know it would just earn a ban, so I will try to keep is short.

    1. Break up with your sex toy / crutch
    2. Take another extended break from your husband - again maybe 2 or 3 mts
    3. Do NOT get into any kind of relationship - no FB's, no new male friends - NADA.....
    4. Take the time to figure out who you are and what you want
    > This might involve counselling
    5. Learn to be honest with yourself
    6. Be honest with your hubby and this guy - they deserve to know exactly what they are getting into if they decide to stay in a relationship with you after your "own time"

    Really - both of these guys deserve so much better than to be used like this - it really is not fair on either of them or even on you. If I were to treat 2 folk who clearly cared about me as these 2 do I think I would end up so ashamed I would have to just hide my head under a paper bag.


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