trapped into living in the middle of nowhere - forever

LegacyUser

going un-reg for this...

anyway.. just wondering if anyone has any advice for me... i'm feeling pretty trapped in my thinking about this and due to various reasons don't really have any mates who are in a position to hear me. they listen, but don't seem to HEAR, if that makes sense....?

myself and my fella are from different areas of the country. he's from a very small insular and isolated community - i'm from just outside a big town. when we met first i wasn't working so moved to his county to be nearer him and found work. i was living in a big town there and was happy. he [before we met] had started building a house, and as we fell deeper for each other started referring it less as 'his' house and more as 'our' house. all through this i made it clear that although it was lovely and scenic and all i just couldn't see myself living there long term. there's no work out there, no shops, theatres, cinemas, clubs, choice of schools [for our future kids] nothing really, apart from his job, the house and his family.

anyway - my work finished up - i got laid off - and could no longer afford to keep on my apartement on in the town so agreed to move down there, after a lot of begging and pleading from him. i always made it clear that it would be hard and difficult for me - moving a further 2 hours away from my friends and family with basically nothing to do there. he promised me that it would just be until the house was finished and then he would sell or rent out the house and we'd take it from there. 2 years tops was all i'd have to spend there, we'd be well out of it by the time we had kids, etc....

i've been here nearly 2 months now and the other day we had a row... in the midst of the row it comes out that he lied about it being for 2 years and that he has no intention of ever moving away from the area. when i asked him about all those promises he made me he admitted that he lied in order to get me down here and that he reckoned once i was here long enough i might grow to like it. this isn't going to happen.....

we made up about the actual issue we were rowing about but that big elephant is still in the room. i feel like he's totally trapped me. i know i can walk away but i can't leave him. this guy is the one for me - or so i thought. on the one hand i can't imagine being with anyone else - this guy is my lobster... but on the other how can he have lied to me about something so damn important and not think it matters??????? my reasons for not liking this area are NUMEROUS, yet he seems to be dismissing these in a kind of ''shhhh don't think about it. it'll all be fine'' way... i can't see past this and i don't know what to do or how to handle it.... he's so adamant that he'll never want to live anywhere else and won't even listen to me.... or reason....

R.D. aka MR.D

If you really really really hate the area then you only have one option..leave.

unless the things you want in life spring up around you then its only going to get worse and worse.

Are you relying on him finacially? If your not then leave, it might even change his mind if he knows this is as serious as you leaving.

Although saying that you have to remember you can't force him into your way of living the same way he has you.

Some people actually do have issues that can't be resolves and this reeks of being one.

Unless there is something he can do other than move to improve your live. in that case you need to sit him down and make it clear that it is the final straw.

ManOfMystery

It boils down to the fact that he's refusing to see things from your point of view and has coerced you into trying to share his point of view. As much as you may think he's your perfect partner, that's not the actions of someone who truly cares about how you feel.

OS119

OP, the guy very deliberately lied, not 'changed his mind', or had circumstances change it for him, or even 'told a little white lie and got trapped by it', but very deliberately - and consistantly - told you something that he both knew not to be true and that you would be very, very unhappy about if you discovered the truth.

'dream guy' - really?

cowzerp

is he worth so much that you can stay living there?

the answer to this is your only real answer needed.

VaioCruiser

Hi OP. Yes you are in a right difficult bind there I can see. I sympathise.

Love is important. And I see that this is the man for you.

However love is not always enough. WE and our day to day happiness also matters.

This guy may love you and you may love him - but he has deceived you in an extremely calculated and unfair way.

If you want to sacrifice your life for the few hours a day you have with him, and if you want to put kids through the same kind of isolation and frustration living with an unhappy mother ... then stay.

If you value your happiness and what you can do with the rest of your life - then you have no other choice but to lay down a strict time table and ultimatum, with no room for him to deceive you again. Else you have to leave and start again.

Sometimes it is that simple. And in this case I really believe it is.

All the best.

neuro-praxis

A good relationship is one where both partners look in the same direction.

You and your partner don't want the same things.

One of you needs to sacrifice it all for the other. Or split up.

SarahMc

Leaving aside the deception, as other posters have dealt with that. 2 months is not really a long enough time to give a place a chance. Having said that, I know it is an eternity if you are stuck at home all day, with no friends or distractions.

Do you drive or are you totally isolated? Are there any work/volunteering opportunities nearby?

Ericka

It seems he is still not listening to you OP. It is a difficult problem, but if you really want to be heard, you are going to have to take some action. You sound like a fish out of water there. If you were to ask me what I would do, I would go stay with family or friends in the area I'm from, and tell your boyfriend you want a break.

This will give you the opportunity to tell him everything that he hasn't been registering, then walk out the door. Once he is rattling around that house of his on his own for a while, hopefully he will see how selfish he has been. Of course there is a risk you could end up split up for good, but if after this lesson he doesn't see what he is supposed to... well I don't need to finish that really. I hope he realises how unhappy you have been soon, and he makes the right choice. It sounds like you've already sacrificed a lot to be with him.


Best of luck.

Oh The Humanity

OP, dirty trick. A fella building a gaff near his parents....but not entirely suprising either.

Could you maybe go back to where you used to live, where your friends are etc and try to get work and somewhere to live.
Then the ball is in his court if he wants to be with you he will get off his selfish ar$e and start to cop on to reality.

No-one bar people who are born there wants to be stuck in some isolated place. Its different for him, he lives there and its 'home' to him.

He is minimising your discomfort and distress because it doesn't suit him. You actually hold all the cards here by the way, because he won't find another woman who will accept this deal. So he either comes after you and starts to talk properly about compromising on somewhere decent to live or he ends up alone in Ballydung Manor pulling his plum.

Overheal

The Lie is the key issue here. Living in suburbia not. But then, I've been uprooted over a dozen times now. It takes time but you always wind up fitting right in.

The Lie though. Thats not a white lie. Thats a Big Lie. Thats a dealbreaker Lie. The kind of lie you cannot base a relationship on. Wtf was he thinking?

I'd have gotten over the village thing, but not the lying thing.

I would look hard at where your relationship is, first off. And start jobhunting in the City again. You can move in with friends or family Short-Term if the relationship goes south, but you cant stay there imo and give in to the deceit. Find a new job, get new accomodation, and take your relationship back down a level, until he is ready to be honest and think about someone else other than himself. Because the next thing you know he'll be trying to knock you up by punching holes in the condoms or replacing your pill with skittles.

LegacyUser

hi, OP here

Honestly i want to thank everyone for reading and replying... it was hard to put that into words and thanks everyone for being so forthright - that's just what i needed.

i have sacrificed a lot for him already... i don't think he sees that though.

he has work here, i'm working part time an hour and a half away but that ends this month and after that my only chances of getting work is to look to towns about 2 hrs drive away. there honestly is nothing here. from what i can see most people here are on the dole or doing nixers so we are grateful that he has full time work, but he can't seem to see that i am a worker - sitting at home all day on the dole is just something i can't accept....

i take the point that being here for 2 months isn't that long and maybe i should give it longer. that's the thing though - i WAS prepared to give it two years as that is what i was promised. now that i know that was a lie - facing the prospect of living here full time and bringing up kids here fills me with dread and horror.

i'm just going to have to put it to him more directly than i have been though. i'm not an ''ultimatium'' person - but maybe i need to learn to be more forthright with what i want long term for us and our future kids.

there'll be some ''interesting'' after dinner conversation tonight methinks....

OP is there a farm involved?

CDfm

TBH - there is a major recession on so any hope your b/f had of selling the house or renting it out has probably gone by the board.Not his fault but there is a recession.

You should try to get involved in some local community activities as thats how you meet people -there must be activities like macra na feirme etc or community groups in your area.

Overheal

The wind I whiffed says the boyfriend isnt factoring in Recession at all. He's thinking permanently, not 5 or even 10 years. He wants a homemaker that will be there to mop the floor and cook the steak, which is not what the OP wants for herself.

Actually when I think about it like that, are you really that compatible if your aspirations are completely out of alignment?

Firetrap

I'm thinking if the OP's boyfriend told some porkie pies about the two years thing, what else is he capable of lying about? If the OP is so unhappy where she's living now, it's going to poison the relationship anyway.

CDfm

Is it possible that he thought of a nasty thing to say mid row -people do that in the heat of the moment.

Overheal

Its possible, but it seems like a strange thing to make up in the middle of a row.

LegacyUser

He may not be all that bad with the porkie.


He probably thought where he's from is fantastic and he wanted to share that with the woman he loved. He probably thought you'd grow to love it.

But that is a big issue. Its a big as a couple deciding if they want children or not.

You're the only person who can answer that. How would he cope in a new place? Would he always pine for 'home'? If you think he's not adaptable, let him go. You don't want to drag someone after you. My feeling is that if you really want marriage with him & a settled life then learn to love your new community, if you're still on the move, cut your losses.