Women: Help Me Understand Something...

Trail_Blazer

Alright well I've been speaking to this 36 yr old female who is 9 yrs older than I. I met her on Myspace (I've met & dated plenty of people online before) and we've been talking via email/messenger/texting and phone for 2 weeks.

Finally tonight we decide to meet at a pool hall for our first "date" or encounter. She looks like her pictures, and everything's going pretty well. She's beating my ass at billiards, but I don't really care.

So throughout the date, she had mentioned I look way younger than my pics. That I of course DO look like my pics (because they are, after all, my pics) - But younger in person. So I asked her if I would seem like someone she'd be interested in continuing to do things with, etc. and she says "I don't know yet".

Ok, so we keep playing pool, and I ask her later in the date, "I'd like to see you again, would you like to see me again?" - She says "I don't know". Now during this time we're playing pool, I make her a bet that if I win - She had to kiss me. I ended up winning due to a mistake she made, and she gave me a quick peck on the lips. Ok cool.

So finally I walk her out to the car, and I ask her again "Well would you like to get together in a week or two and go bowling or something?" - She finally says "Yes". I said "Cool, I appreciate the definitive answer!" I then give her a hug, and begin kissing her. Halfway through the kiss, she pulls away and she goes "I can't do it". I ask her "What do you mean?" She says "I just can't do it".

I'm thinking OK..... So I said ok. Then I told her I AM a good kisser, if she just give me the opportunity. (Again, I we had just started kissing for not even 3 seconds, if that). She said "Ok - Maybe next time".

What the hell is her problem? I had breath mints, my breath smelled fine and my teeth aren't a turn off. I wasn't a "bad kisser" because it was pretty much two pecks on the mouth (NO tongue at all) because we didn't kiss long enough to get to that point.

Why was she sending me all these mixed signals for? I don't get it. Either you're into me or you're not. I told her to be honest and tell me she's not into me, so as not to waste either of our time. She denied that was the issue, and seemed to still wanna do something with me again.

Think it's her insecurity with being 9 yrs older than I? She knew all of this before we met tonight. So I can't figure it out at all. Any women have any insight on this situation? I've decided that I'm gonna wait for her to txt or email me first - To see where she's at with this whole thing. I'm not going to be the first to contact her.

Any other perspectives on this scenario I've described would be appreciated!

Thx

Chinafoot

First of all relax a little. Repeatedly asking her if she wants to see you again and the whole betting for a kiss thing all comes across (in text at least) as a bit full on and perhaps a little needy. Just take it handy and see how things progress instead of trying to force things.

By the sounds of what you've described it does sound like she's put off by the age difference and she's obviously quite conscious of how young you look in comparison to her. It sounds like she's not entirely comfortable with it, hence the "I can't do it."

My advice is to leave her be until she contacts you. You've been chatting online but you don't know each other so don't try to push her into making declarations on anything.

Trail_Blazer

Hey Chinafoot - Thanks for your input. I'm gonna do just that, as far as waiting for her to come and contact me first.

I think it's probably her insecurity with the age difference. I know she has a lotta friends and stuff, probably all closer to her age, so she's probably thinking about bringing me around them, etc. if we were to continue to see one another.

Yeah, I can understand how I was putting her on the spot by asking about if I'm the type of person for her, wanting to see me again, etc. would come off a bit needy and stuff. I certainly didn't sound pleading, but I wouldnt've asked her more than once, had she given me a straight/definitive answer the first time.

Regardless, it should be interesting to see if she ends up contacting me again or not. It's Sunday night here, so I figure if I don't hear back from her by Tuesday night or so, she's made up her mind.

shellyboo

It sounds, unfortunately, that she's not really into you. It seems you look a lot younger than she thought you did, and that's putting her off. But you should really take the signals - she only reluctantly agreed to see you again, and pulled back when you kissed her. Not good signs.

I think you should move on.

The_Conductor

Some people like to take things slowly......
If I was looking for a date (I'm not) and got on great with someone on the internet and decided to meetup- I wouldn't hop on them on our very first date.......
I'd like to get to know them a little better.
Calm down and take things easy.

hungryhippo

Pool and bowling? Is she 36 or 16?

VaioCruiser

Jeeez Trail_Blazer you just don't give a girl much of a chance !

You are pushing her repeatedly DURING your first date to agree to meet again ? Could you not wait until the end of he date ?
And you are pushing her to snog at the end of this first date ?

I think you drove her away and I have no doubt you'll do it again the next time if you don't learn to ease up. People have feelings, People need time to make their minds up, to see what you are like, to see what they want to do.

Chill !!

LegacyUser

It sounds to me like you are coming across too pushy. I mean if I was on a first date with a guy and he kept on asking if I wanted too see him again and trying to get me to kiss him etc, I would probably get a bit annoyed with it. First dates are about getting to know each other and having a laugh, you don't want to be pressured and questioned the whole time.

She said she would see you again so that's a good sign (even though you did ask her about 5 times). Go on the next date and this time relax and enjoy yourselves.

seahorse

Trail_Blazer wrote: »

Think it's her insecurity with being 9 yrs older than I?

Insecurity? Lol, no; it's because at thirty-six she has the life experience to know how quickly/slowly she likes to take things when she meets somebody new, unlike an early twenties woman who'd sit there with your tongue in her mouth whether she wanted it there or not.

I don’t mean to be cruel but it sounds to me like there's a massive disparity of maturity between you both. She'd probably be better off with someone closer to her own age. You'd probably be better off with her - you might learn a thing or two!

Trail_Blazer

Oh, I've dated plenty of women who're older than I. I think it's been so long since I've been on a proper date (used to the one night stands) that I was trying too hard, like some of you have stated.

Hey Hungryhippo, have you never seen adults at the pool hall? Have you never seen them at the bowling alley?

Shellyboo, I would agree with you - If she hadn't texted me last night. I ended up asking her why the pull away from the kiss. It turns out the majority of you are correct, in that she's old enough to know how fast or slowly to take things. In that she stated she's not really made out or anything on a first date.

I understand I was trying to force things, without even realizing it I think. Next time we get together, I'll be a lot less imposing - I'll let things happen naturally this next time around.

LegacyUser

Eh there is nothing wrong with pool and bowling in your 30's, 40's, 50's etc so scrub that remark!

As the older woman in the Older woman/Younger man relationship I'm guessing she is freaked by the age difference.

It is freaky at the start for the woman and it does take some getting used to. Men our own age are practically spitting on us for daring to show our faces in public and are all convinced we are obsessed with our Biological Clock and trying to emulate the desperate hags on sex and the city etc

Then suddenly you have young good looking lads in their 20's without all the hang ups and judgements of older guys. Who just want to go on fun dates and behave normally ie: show they are interested if they are instead of playing all the stupid mind games older men go on with.

It takes time to adjust, she may not come around. She may feel she is wasting her time or yours or both.

Keep being friendly and asking her for dates within reason. If she really can't get over it I suppose all you can do is chalk it down to experience.

Liam Byrne

Unregistered wrote: »

Eh there is nothing wrong with pool and bowling in your 30's, 40's, 50's etc so scrub that remark!

+1

Unregistered wrote: »

Some Men our own age are practically spitting on us for daring to show our faces in public and are all convinced we are obsessed with our Biological Clock and trying to emulate the desperate hags on sex and the city etc

Fixed that for you.

Unregistered wrote: »

Then suddenly you have young good looking lads in their 20's without all the hang ups and judgements of older guys. Who just want to go on fun dates and behave normally ie: show they are interested if they are instead of playing all the stupid mind games older men go on with.

Again, that aspect works both ways; the stupid mind games can be at any age and from either sex.

"Fun dates and behave normally" would be fine by me, and I'm 38. And male.

G86

Sometimes when you go out with someone and you're not sure about them it can all rest on the kiss; the chemistry's either there or it's not. By her reaction I'm guessing that she wasn't really feeling it to be honest. I'd say she liked out and got on well with you but by the end of the date realised that it wasn't in a romantic way. It's no reflection on you at all though, just that she may not have thought ye clicked.

Trail_Blazer

Perhaps G86, or maybe not. We kissed earlier in the night - And then again at the end of the date. I figured if she didn't think there was something there, why try it a 2nd time, ya know?

If there's no click, there's no click. Thing is, she said she'd tell me if there wasn't anything - So as not to waste either of our time. So far she's not said that. I don't think the kiss was long enough both times, to determine anything really. A peck on the lips (at least IMO) isn't like a proper/real kiss anyway.

I DO agree though, any age is liable to play games and stuff. I date older women as a rule, because they're less apt to play said games in my previous experience.

G86

Trail_Blazer wrote: »

Perhaps G86, or maybe not. We kissed earlier in the night - And then again at the end of the date. I figured if she didn't think there was something there, why try it a 2nd time, ya know?

If there's no click, there's no click. Thing is, she said she'd tell me if there wasn't anything - So as not to waste either of our time. So far she's not said that. I don't think the kiss was long enough both times, to determine anything really. A peck on the lips (at least IMO) isn't like a proper/real kiss anyway.

I DO agree though, any age is liable to play games and stuff. I date older women as a rule, because they're less apt to play said games in my previous experience.

Hmm you date older women for the same reason I date older guys then - which just goes to show that both of us may be barking up the wrong tree with that analogy then!

I really do think you can just tell if ye click though, even from a peck - you'd know. Well, I would anyway. Awk I'm not trying to be really pessimistic, but it's just how I see it to be honest, if she was interested she wouldn't be messing about the way she is now.

Trail_Blazer

I can't necessarily argue with ya G86. Though honestly, why continue the facade if you weren't the least bit interested?

If I give you a peck on the lips, for half a second - You really can tell if there's a click? I can't, and never have been able to. It's just not a good measure of judgement IMO.

I think you may be right, if it ultimately turns out she's NOT into me, or whatever.... Looks like we're definitely barking up the wrong tree! LoL!

G86

Aye, well fingers crossed for ya all the same, hope I'm wrong

Trail_Blazer

Cheers - It should be interesting to see how things play out.

shellyboo

Trail_Blazer wrote: »

I can't necessarily argue with ya G86. Though honestly, why continue the facade if you weren't the least bit interested?

Because it's easier than telling someone you're not the least bit interested. OP, she may be giving you another chance, but if she was into you... even a little bit... she wouldn't have pulled back.

I honestly think she's just trying to be polite.

Trail_Blazer

Perhaps Shellyboo. Or maybe I caught her off guard, and she didn't expect me to be so forward.... Think that's a possibility?

Does "OP" mean Original Poster? Or something else?

KittyeeTrix

Trail_Blazer wrote: »

Perhaps Shellyboo. Or maybe I caught her off guard, and she didn't expect me to be so forward.... Think that's a possibility?

Does "OP" mean Original Poster? Or something else?

It means original poster:)

Jinxi

She is more than likely trying to figure out wether she is being cool and liberal dating a younger guy, or a letchirous auldie getting desperate in her old age. Its an internal battle, not your fault. Give her space

Trail_Blazer

Jinxi, you really think so? That's a new perspective for sure.

She's stated she has dated younger men, and prefers to date them. So who knows?

Jinxi

Sounds like she was in two minds.
Play it cool. There is nothing more of a turn off than an over eager guy. Especially if you are a young guy she might be worried that you are a bit immature?
If it works out, great, If it doesn't, her loss:)

rallye

You came across as way to needy and were focused too much on the outcome instead of having a fun time with her.

Sadly for you first impressions count, best thing you can do is wait for her to contact you again, if you start chasing her for another date you will only push her further away, you didnt build up enough attraction with her hence her reason for pulling out of the kisses plus the bet for a kiss... well lets just say we learn from our mistakes.

Trail_Blazer

True Rallye, I totally agree with you there. I think minus the parts you mentioned, I made her smile/laugh, and seemed pretty charming overall. Least she certainly acted it. If she was faking the laughs/smiles, she sure did a helluva job acting it.

Luckily she HAS contacted me first again, explaining that she pulled away from the kiss because it wasn't something she was entirely comfortable with on the first date. Where I seemed probably pushy to her, I should've been far less that way and more focused on just having fun.

Thing is, I've not had this problem before. This is a first for me. Though I think it has something to do with the fact that it's been forever since I've been on a proper date, and even longer since I've hadda steady girlfriend.

rallye

Good stuff, your half way there then!!

As i said try not to focus on the outcome, when you meet her next just have a fun time with her, make her laugh, make her fell relaxed and comfortable with you, dont force a kiss etc... if she wants one then trust me you will know!

Dont think of her as a potential girlfriend but instead as a girl you like spending time with and having a laugh with.

A girl not wanting to kiss on a first date would be very strange to me alsobut maybe she is old fashioned, she is givig you clues so work with them...

Play it cool with her, if you focus on showing her a fun time then everything will work out.. dont declare your love for her or anything stupid like that..

I like the idea of a book, if you knew how it finished would you read It? prob not, its the excitement of reading it and having the story unravel that makes it exciting.. the same goes for dating!

Oh and by the way, goin for a game of pool for a first date is a great idea!! Its a relaxed enviroment where ye can talk and have fun, fair play to you for not bringing her somewhere like the cinema...

Trail_Blazer

Rallye, the cinema doesn't lend itself well to first dates at all. No getting to know them better, no way to speak to one another. I've never done that, and probably never will do.

I like your Book analogy, good point there.

I'm not 15 bro, I'm not gonna "declare my love for her" or any nonsense like that. It's not that she didn't want to kiss me, it's that I was looking for a longer kiss (see: making out) than she probably was. Which I totally get that.

Appreciate your input sir.

merlie

Trail_Blazer wrote: »

Alright well I've been speaking to this 36 yr old female who is 9 yrs older than I. I met her on Myspace (I've met & dated plenty of people online before) and we've been talking via email/messenger/texting and phone for 2 weeks.

Finally tonight we decide to meet at a pool hall for our first "date" or encounter. She looks like her pictures, and everything's going pretty well. She's beating my ass at billiards, but I don't really care.

So throughout the date, she had mentioned I look way younger than my pics. That I of course DO look like my pics (because they are, after all, my pics) - But younger in person. So I asked her if I would seem like someone she'd be interested in continuing to do things with, etc. and she says "I don't know yet".

Ok, so we keep playing pool, and I ask her later in the date, "I'd like to see you again, would you like to see me again?" - She says "I don't know". Now during this time we're playing pool, I make her a bet that if I win - She had to kiss me. I ended up winning due to a mistake she made, and she gave me a quick peck on the lips. Ok cool.

So finally I walk her out to the car, and I ask her again "Well would you like to get together in a week or two and go bowling or something?" - She finally says "Yes". I said "Cool, I appreciate the definitive answer!" I then give her a hug, and begin kissing her. Halfway through the kiss, she pulls away and she goes "I can't do it". I ask her "What do you mean?" She says "I just can't do it".

I'm thinking OK..... So I said ok. Then I told her I AM a good kisser, if she just give me the opportunity. (Again, I we had just started kissing for not even 3 seconds, if that). She said "Ok - Maybe next time".

What the hell is her problem? I had breath mints, my breath smelled fine and my teeth aren't a turn off. I wasn't a "bad kisser" because it was pretty much two pecks on the mouth (NO tongue at all) because we didn't kiss long enough to get to that point.

Why was she sending me all these mixed signals for? I don't get it. Either you're into me or you're not. I told her to be honest and tell me she's not into me, so as not to waste either of our time. She denied that was the issue, and seemed to still wanna do something with me again.

Think it's her insecurity with being 9 yrs older than I? She knew all of this before we met tonight. So I can't figure it out at all. Any women have any insight on this situation? I've decided that I'm gonna wait for her to txt or email me first - To see where she's at with this whole thing. I'm not going to be the first to contact her.

Any other perspectives on this scenario I've described would be appreciated!

Thx

OMG! You might as well have kissed her straight away when you met her and given her no chance to get to know you in person. You are rushing things. Kissing is all well and good but it has to be with feeling and emotion to do that with someone. After all she has only 'really' just met you and you bombarded her with 'Can I see you next time' and pushing your luck to kiss her and it really sounded as if you made her uncomfortable by your behaviour. First dates are about getting to know one another not a leap into the next part.

It seems like you like to be in control of what is happening and that is not the best way to go it should be a relaxed affair and take the time to 'actually' get to know her.

Communicating online and messaging is one thing but you really have only met each other and you need to slow this all down and not take advantage of her in what you want, good kisser or not!

Just cool it

shellyboo

Trail_Blazer wrote: »

Perhaps Shellyboo. Or maybe I caught her off guard, and she didn't expect me to be so forward.... Think that's a possibility?

You're making excuses for her... that's really not good.

Give it another chance, sure... but don't push it. When someone likes you, you'll know about it.

Dublin141

I think you were a little pushy. A person needs a bit longer than a few hours to decide if a relationship is going to be an option. Looking young may have put her off a little too. She might feel slightly uncomfortable about it (and maybe nervous that you possibly lied about your age?) Just offering ideas - personally I would have found you a little insistent and pushy, sort of like a teenage boy iykwim (no offence intended.)

Try and relax a little next time, don't ask where it is going or try and force anything to happen. Let it flow naturally and enjoy yourself, don't be worrying if she likes you or not.

Trail_Blazer

Dublin141 - I never lied about my age, probably wasn't a good idea of you to assume that. She knew full well exactly what I looked like, and how old I am. She did mention that I looked younger in person, than I do in my pics. Which I don't necessarily agree with. But each person has their opinion.

Yeah, I'm not offended at the analogy that I came off a bit like a teenager or something. That sounds about right. I was way too focused on the outcome and wanting her to like me, than I was just enjoying the date and having fun.

I'll know better next time for sure.

LegacyUser

Don't worry too much OP. She sounds like she wants to see you again anyway!

Reminds me of one of the first times I met my BF in a hotel. I was fully dolled up and he arrived in a track suit bottoms and trainers (he is 11 yrs younger than me but looks younger again) I nearly died in the hotel bar. I was convinced everybody was staring at us thinking 'what a cradle snatcher!' MORTIFIED was not the word! He, like you was very keen and I found it nice but overwhelming!

We laugh about it now.

So give the girl some breathing space, let it take it course! Good luck!

Trail_Blazer

Unregistered, thanks. It's good to know that though a bit overwhelming, you were still willing to give him a chance and stuff.

Trail_Blazer

Well just an update on this - After 5 days of her ignoring me, she finally writes me on Myspace this morning.

She says that she enjoyed our phone conversations (lasted 2 weeks before meeting) and that I'm cute and have a great sense of humour. She said that she wasn't totally into me in person, and she couldn't figure out why. She said "I can't put my finger on it".

I having previously made it clear to her I wasn't interested in just being "friends", should things not work out between one another on the phone, she indicated she remembered that and would leave me alone.

I know why she wasn't "totally into me" in person. It's because I DID come off as too desperate or imposing that day - Totally my own fault. Funny though, because if she wasn't at all into me, she would've never bothered kissing me throughout the night. I know that women her age don't do things unless they really want to - It's not like I held a gun to her head or anything.

Anyway, that's the last time I come off as "needy" or too overly concerned about the outcome of the date, all throughout.

G86

Trail_Blazer wrote: »

Well just an update on this - After 5 days of her ignoring me, she finally writes me on Myspace this morning.

She says that she enjoyed our phone conversations (lasted 2 weeks before meeting) and that I'm cute and have a great sense of humour. She said that she wasn't totally into me in person, and she couldn't figure out why. She said "I can't put my finger on it".

I having previously made it clear to her I wasn't interested in just being "friends", should things not work out between one another on the phone, she indicated she remembered that and would leave me alone.

I know why she wasn't "totally into me" in person. It's because I DID come off as too desperate or imposing that day - Totally my own fault. Funny though, because if she wasn't at all into me, she would've never bothered kissing me throughout the night. I know that women her age don't do things unless they really want to - It's not like I held a gun to her head or anything.

Anyway, that's the last time I come off as "needy" or too overly concerned about the outcome of the date, all throughout.

Guess it's just a lesson learned OP; you should be yourself of course, but no harm in taking a step back at times to suss someone out.

Trail_Blazer

Right, true. I'm not bothered - I know ultimately it'll end up being her loss anyway.

Chinafoot

Trail_Blazer wrote: »

Funny though, because if she wasn't at all into me, she would've never bothered kissing me throughout the night. I know that women her age don't do things unless they really want to - It's not like I held a gun to her head or anything.

Sorry to hear it didn't work out but I have to comment on this part of your post. Your behaviour put her in an awkward position. You can try to convince yourself that she was into it but the fact is you made a bet in order to get your first kiss, which by your own admission was a peck, and the last kiss she pulled away from. That says a lot. Chances are you made her feel uncomfortable. Couple that with your all or nothing stance towards her and it seems like you're not willing to let something just develop.

Online dating is a tough one because no matter how much you chat or email each other you dont really know that person. You need to take things easy when you meet up in person. Don't force things or expect anything. As Shelly said it's a lesson learned and if you try again with someone else I really hope for your own sake that you remember this experience and take things much more slowly.

Best of luck.

Trail_Blazer

I agree with you to an extent Chinafoot - But again, a 36 yr old woman doesn't kiss me if she doesn't want to. I presented the wager to her initially - She could've said "Let's try something else" which would've indicated she wasn't all that interested at all. It's happened before, the opportunity for her to say "No" was there. Nothing was forced at all - I've had women say "No" to said bet, and I've also had them cut me off, when I went in for the kiss too.

Maybe she felt pressured.... That's possible. But again, I didn't force anything, and I honestly believe she didn't do anything that she didn't wanna do. I even asked her later "Do you kiss all your first dates, if things go well for you?" - She indicated that she did not. She also stated (on the date, at that time) that if she didn't like me or whatever, she wouldnt've accepted the bet.

The overall imposing manner I came off in, I BELIEVE is probably the reasoning behind what made her mind up, by blowing me off for 5 days (which was completely rude on her part) before contradicting her previous agreement to hang out with me, and tell me she's not into me via a Myspace message.