Possible break-up....?

LegacyUser

I'm not sure whether to break up with my girlfriend or not...

We've been together on and off for about 2 years and we're both 21.
I just haven't felt close to her the past week or two, which doesn't seem like much, but we get shaky every once in a while and it comes close to break-up, but never actually gets there.

I don't feel close to her. This may be due to some of the following;
- I don't have anything in common with her family and feel very out of place and uncomfortable around them. I am quite a particular (can be read pushy) person, and despite having nothing against her family find no joy whatsoever in being around them. Without being judgmental, they are boring people with no hobbies, no life at all. This would be fine if I didn't feel the effects of this every time I am around. They guilt my girlfriend into hanging around at home, and never have anything to talk about apart from their banal days, such as the good offer in Dunnes for the dinner and asking how busy work was.

- We have nothing in common. As I said I'm particular. Opinionated and stubborn, but I try hard not to be overbearing in my opinions. But I am into very alternative rock music, ambient, garage, foreign music, and see this as deeper, more enlightening and see everything else as shallow and selling out. She loves Beyonce and Jamelia. She doesn't have many hobbies. Number one on the list is dancing. Which she does fortnightly at a local club. Nothing else. I write, want to be a writer, and always have different views on things, opinions, insights. She calls me on her way home from work to tell me her day went ok, a little slow. One woman bought an ugly rug. And that's it...

A main problem I have is that I think so much, I think so much more than is normal. And since my father is a psychotherapist, I am always second-guessing and psychoanalyzing myself.
Eg:
Sometimes I think I won't miss her if we break up. I am with her because I get lonely easily. She's great and all, but I think sometimes that I would have no problem moving on, no problem getting out among the fish again, some lads' nights out etc...
But I don't trust my own opinion and worry that I'm wrong and will regret it. And by that stage it'll be too late.

Even now I'm psychoanaylzing what I've written so far, thinking that I've written more negative than positive, and want to say something positive so that what I write isn't biased...

She is great. I couldn't ask for someone more loving, caring and supportive.
Her typical female qualities do frustrate me... Lack of an ability to be angry, avoids conflict, sometimes needy (in terms of hearing how I feel).
But I do care for her and I do love her.

But right now (we're talking about meeting up tomorrow, as as she's a Dub, I'm in Kildare) I don't really want to see her tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it. Don't feel close to her. And most of all, I'm really confused and don't know what to do...

shellyboo

So, the most important thing in her life is her family... and you think she's shallow? Nice, OP. Break up with the girl for her own sake, she deserves better.

merlie

Hi Op,

As I am understanding from what you have written that you feel nothing is working and you don't want to make any moves to see her. I think you need to be fair on her. You have to tell her how you feel and stop dragging this on any further than it has. She may be a lovely person but she doesn't deserve to be treated with dishonesty.

If you have to see her tomorrow. Go some place where you can talk. Listen to what she has to say after you told her how you feel. Don't tell her by a text or a phone call, you need to see her face to face.

You need get to know yourself and what you want out of life and although being in a relationship is great you need to find out who you are and what you want and not to over think it all, Because when you over analyse things you won't enjoy life. So stop over thinking things.

Her family are an important part of her life and who she is and they deserve respect, not condemnation. Everyone has faults etc. But you saying that you are only with her because you get lonely is borderline cruel. You are using her to satisfy what ever mood you are in.

You say you love and care for her but it does not sound like you do and or you wouldn't do what you are doing to her.

LegacyUser

OP, I hate to say it but it sounds like you simply think you're better than your girlfriend and her family. Please do her a favour and break up with her! If my OH was thinking he was more superior to me and my family then I would happily break up with him and wouldn't give him a second thought. You mention your father is a psychotherapist (perhaps this is why you think you are better than her?) but then YOU go on to psychoanalyze. Eh, he's the one with the qualification not you?!??

Put the poor girl out of her misery

blairbear

OP, when you go out with someone, you're meant to view them as a whole and not pick apart every little thing about them and weigh up all her pros and cons and interests. You're very very critical of this girl. It seems pretty obvious to me that you don't have much regard for her. Even when you tried to say something positive about her, that lasted about five words and you started into the criticism.

Seriously, for this girl's sake, would you ever just let her go so she can be with somebody who doesn't look down on her and her family? I don't mean to be overly harsh, but you seem to view her as vastly inferior to you. Your personalities and interests really don't mesh. Just because somebody is into pop culture and the likes of Beyonce doesn't mean that they don't have depth and think deeply about things. You just may not be able to recognise this side of her, or illicit these qualities because you're really just judging her all the time.

You're 21 years old. You have a hell of lot to learn about life yet and being into pretentious music and viewing yourself as a very deep thinker is actually a very run-of-the-mill, typical phase for many guys your age. It certainly doesn't make you superior to this poor girl and her family, with their "banal" conversation.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies.
Appreciate the honesty.

First of all, I don't TRY to psychoanalyze everything. It just happens. I can never get my mind to stop. I have problems sleeping because of it. I don't think I have my father's qualification, just explaining where that side of me might come from.

I understand that her family's important to her. There's nothing wrong with that. My family's important to me too. And I don't give out or complain about hers. It's just that I feel I have to suffer through being there with them, mainly because of their overbearing nature, Eg: if we've stayed in her house for two days and decide to come out to Kildare (my house) then they guilt her by saying they've barely seen her and that she's leaving so soon. This is unrelenting. I do get frustrated sometimes when at her house and having to watch The Bill and talk about which of their family they haven't seen lately, but I don't complain. I have no problem with being there (read: suffering through) it to be with her.

I do agree that a bf is not supposed to dissect a gf in this way, just take them as a whole. I wish I could stop it.

Re: me saying I am only with her because I am lonely, I meant this in the context of what i think sometimes, not a fact. It's a thought I get sometimes when all's not well in the relationship and I think I could move on easily. So if I could move on easily then it means that all these feelings I have for her - are they real? If not, why would I be with her...?
This is just an example of how my mind works at times.

I appreciate your point blairbear, about me thinking I'm a deep thinker. I know it's often a phase. I do honestly think that is me and I don't see it changing. (also, you say 'pretentious', I read 'good')

Thanks again.

LegacyUser

OP im in a kind of similar relationship to you. First of all though I would recommend taking your time before you make any decisions. You say 1-2 weeks ye havent felt close to her? I reckon its just a phase. It might not feel like its gonna get better now, but if you break up with her so hastily my guess is youll regret it. And even if u got back with her your relationship will be tainted by teh fact that you broke up with her.

To be honest Im with you on both points, as I said Im in a similar relationship myself. Like you I enjoy feeling enlightened, and enjoy things different to the norm because i find them thought provoking. I love quite obscure electronic music. There's nothing I enjoy more than putting on some trippy tunes and getting lost in my own thoughts. My gf on the other hand calls herself a music fan, but listens to Akon and the pussycat dolls! She's not a music fan she's just a radio girl! Same with films, shes always going for the hollywood blockbusters(which i have to pretend to like to avoid arguments) and will never try anything new.

And again her family is a problem. Completely different to mine. They involve themselves in all our problems because they ar very protective over her (they have every right to be as she's been very hurt by ex-bf's in the past). Im simply not use to it, my parents couldnt care less about my relationship as long as Im happy. I know the family situation is a little different to yours but the outcome is the same, I ended up almost resenting them!

The thing is though, in both cases, you have to take the rough with the smooth. Your never gonna find someone the exact same as you. No offense intended but it comes off as a little immature to not be able just to accept it.

Have you ever broken up with ther before? Because I too thought I wouldnt miss my gf, we broke up and believe me it hurt. I mean are you arguing with her at all? Because if your not and thats really your only problem, and it is really bothering you that much there is things you can do about it. Why dont you ask her to go to a gig or something with you? I took my OH to berlin this year, and wanted to show her the type of stuff I was into so took her to an infamous (and weird) techno club over there and she ended up loving it. In fact she plans to go back to Berlin and that with her mates in teh next few months!


RE: looking down on her and her family - I dont think this is a fair comment to make. It might sound like that but I really dont think the OP feels like that. I think he's just frustrated at the fact that his GF isnt as passionate as him. For me It was a case that I just couldnt understand why! i didnt think of her as any less of a person I just felt that she was missing out.