Grandad's death and a revealed secret

LegacyUser

My grandad died eight years ago. I was a young teen at the time and while my relationship with him wasn't as close as it is with my other grandad, I still cried over his loss and I still grieved for him. My relationship with him was carefully controlled by my parents. Having been an alcoholic and beating my granny and their kids for years, my parents had many bad memories of him. This never interfered with my feelings for him, in that, I knew in the past he was a 'harsh' father but I never thought of it as anything more than alcohol driven rage. (not that it's acceptable anyway) I guess I just heard so many times about my parents generation taking awful whippings from their parents, I never thought it was right but I thought there had to be some redeeming factors away from the violence and alcoholism.

Today I learned that my grandad used to not only beat my dad and his brothers but he also raped his four daughters on many occasions. As young pre-teen girls, they were dragged up the stairs and subjected to his awful abuse. I cannot even begin to imagine the fear and humiliation they suffered and I know it's all in the past and I cannot do anything to undo it or make it better. But it's sickening to imagine them in so much pain, both physically and emotionally. Pain which was inflicted by my own grandad. I feel so disgusted. I'm not supposed to know about the abuse. I know many, many families have suffered similarly but what makes me really confused is tonight, establishing what my feelings are toward my grandad. When I think of holding his hand when he died, or to touching his forehead as he was laid out, I feel so angry. How could he do that to his little girls? I know my aunts are all grown up now and would never want me to know but I think it's just so cruel. They did nothing to ever deserve that and even though I know it's stupid, I feel a bit guilty for greiving for my grandad having learned this. But having said that, I feel guilty for feeling angry at him too. If I make sense. It's very confusing.

Am I supposed to keep on thinking of him as my grandad who passed away and wish him a peaceful rest? Am I over reacting to think of him now as a filthy, cruel monster for hurting my aunts that way? I don't even know why I'm posting. I guess I'm just confused. And shocked but also very very disgusted.

Lollipops23

Sorry for your loss OP.

TBH while I can understand why you would want to hate him and hope he burns in hell, that is only going to eat you up inside and it's not going to help you or anyone else.

Your family clearly didn't want you to know him as a sick paedophile,otherwise they would have informed you of his past. They must have felt safe with you being in his presence, although it sounds like they were careful.

But really, you need to try and make your piece with this. You can't spend your life hating someone who is no longer here, and doing so will only hurt you. Try to focus on the happier aspects of his life (if there are any).

Best of luck, it's not the easiest of times. X

VaioCruiser

Hi OP.

How do we cope with the concept of this kind of evil cruel behaviour. How do we explain it to ourselves. Is it an illness, or is it really "evil". These questions are at the core of what you are asking I guess.

I don't believe in Evil. I believe he was ill, and was selfish and cruel and wicked to do what he did.

But he is dead now. And if there is life after death, then he is having to deal with what he did. He is having to deal with the knowledge of the cruelty he inflicted.

As to how you should think of him now ? I wold suggest that you think of him as a deeply damaged man who took out whatever illness or pain he carried inside himself on others, but who also had goodness deep down inside him. Is that fair to his victims ? Probably not. But we have to find some way to reconcile our emotions for someone who passed through our lives without, thankfully, hurting us.

All the best.

Trixielicious

I know the situation you are in though I found out what my grandfather had done before he died. Overall I had a good relationship with my grandfather though I was never really in his company on my own for more than a few mins. When I was 12 my cousin, who is 2 years younger than me told me what he had been doing to her. I was appalled, she was the closest thing to a baby sister that I had as I am the youngest in my family. A meeting including all my aunts and uncles was called and that's when the complete horrible picture became clear to all of us. My grandfather had not only abused my cousin but his daughters and my sisters and 2 of my other cousins, one of whom he subjected to the most visicious of rapes over and over again. The fallout from these revelations was horrendous. My father nearly died from the shock, the whole family was divided in two and my grandfather denied everything.
From that day on I never spoke to the man and when he died I mourned but not for him, I mourned for my aunts, my sisters and my cousins, for the childhood that he stole from them, for the devestation he caused to the family and I mourned the loss of my grandmother because she took his side, she flat out refused to believe he had done anything wrong, she blamed me for the whole thing because my cousin had told me in the first place. Rather than accept what her husband had done she choose to take her anger out on an innocent 12yr old who was only protecting her cousin. She speaks to me now as if I'm the best thing in the world but I can never forget or forgive her for what she did. I tolerate her for my father's sake but that is all. 13years after the revelations I had a car crash, minor enough, mild injuries and a few days off work but the shock of it released all the pent up emotions I had. I couldn't eat, sleep, or cope with day to day things, I went for hypnotherapy and the results of that astounded me. The crash wasn't the problem, my grandfather was. I felt guilty for once loving a man who had done some much damage, I felt guilty for not protecting my sisters and cousins from him (even though I know I couldn't), I felt rejected by my grandmother and I hated both of them. These feelings nearly tore me apart!!! I dealt with them eventually but it took the car crash to make me realise that I hadn't coped with what had happened when I was a child.

My advice to you is to talk to somebody about it, an impartial friend who you can trust, your gp, a couseller or a hypnotherapist. Even though my grandfather had never abused me (because my sisters never left me alone with him long enough) I still had to deal with it. And letting it eat away at you is not a good idea. People think that only the abused suffer from things like this but the bystanders suffer too and that was part of the guilt I felt, I felt guilty for being hurt by his actions. The hypnotherapist made me realise that all I had been feeling was normal. You have had a tremendous shock, you had accepted that your grandfather was a violent alcoholic even though you didn't agree with him and then you find out it was much worse than that. Give yourself time to deal with things.

Hope you are okay!

OS119

hi OP,

personally, i think you may be looking in the wrong direction. there's nothing you can do about the old man, loathing him for his actions won't make any difference - though it can't do any harm i suppose - but my own view is that you need to have a very grown up conversation with your parents.

this isn't going to be popular because it's not playing happy families, but...

your father allowed you to be in contact with a man who raped his sisters. just think about that. it may have been controlled, but your dad knowingly played happy families with a man who raped little girls who looked to him for their safety. your father can't claim ignorance - if he didn't know there was a problem, he wouldn't have controlled access.

what possible explanation could there be for ever acknowledging his existance, let alone allowing him to play any role, however small, in your life?

you need to get their explanations (they may be reasonable - can't think how, but you never know) and make some very serious decisions about the role that you allow the people who thought this was a good idea to play in your life.

sorry mate.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, Regular going unreg for this.
My father is a pedo. I understand the confusion you are talking about and the rage.

When I read your posts I felt rage that some of your relatives still allowed you contact to this scum. The day I found what my father was I cut him dead and never looked back. He is less than filth and to victimise innocent children churns my stomach and makes my head want to explode with hatred.

In my case naive family members covered for him (God-fearing Aunts) and delayed disclosing what he'd been up to to our family to the point that we lost our chance to remove him from the family home where he sits to this day while my Mother has never recovered from the shock and to be honest neither have I. The victims refused to make charges against him, which was their choice and they moved on with their lives.

But it ended up leaving him as our problem which has caused untold distress over the years as we watch our Mother failing daily because of this and he lives on hale and hearty and has got away with everything scott free. But we can never move on.

The damage to the family is catastrophic. Mentally and physically everyone of us has been through hell and back and I am not exaggerating.

This will never change in my experience. All the counselling and stuff in the world won't change the facts of what happened. Thankfully it was not your Dad anyway and at least none of your siblings or yourself were directly involved. Although as I've heard a million times and its true, everyone is a victim when there is a pedophile in the family.

I myself have a serious problem with people who can have any contact with them, but thats my problem. Some people see their human side and want to go down the 'healing' route. Which will never be for me.

The feelings you are describing today are so familiar to me, my head has run over and over them for years and they are well worn pathways in my mind now. The time before I knew and the time after I found out are two totally seperate lives and I am now a different person because of it.

I wish I had some good advice for you. I remember at the time like you, struggling to make it 'ok' and deal with it. But I simply did not have the tools in the end.

The only thing I can say is you learn to live with it. Stay away from booze and watch that you don't sink into depression.

Take counselling but also realise that you've seen the true ugly underbelly of life which is the hidden reality that a lot of people are protected from. I sometimes feel half the world (the happy optimistic half who have 'normal' families) live in a different world. So sometimes you might feel a sense of not belonging.

At least he is gone anyway and not still hanging around like a never ending bad smell.

Try to process it (its very hard) and then if you can leave it to one side and move on. You can't solve the riddle of what makes a person do something so unforgivable and dispicable....no matter how much you look at the psychology/psychiatry books.

All the best xxx

LegacyUser

Hi Op, I'm so sorry to hear your sad story. Mine is very very similar. My Grandad is still alive. He abused his two daughters and son for years and years. As a result all children are depressed, suicidal, alcoholics. I found out due to someone's drunken ravings and as a result have to keep it a secret from my cousins as their parent does not want them to know. I'm sickened that I have to play happy families when I despise the man. He has ruined all of our lives. The victims refuse to take any action. It disgusts me that my cousins and other relations have no idea, but I'm powerless, have no idea what to do.

I don't have any advice for you Op because I can't even help my own family out. One thing I will say is try to forget about him, he is dead now, at least you don't ever have to see him again.

Jinxi

Op,
your situation sucks. Ihave only two peices of advice for you.
Firstly, go get some councelling if you feel like you are emotionally stuck on this guilt/anger wheel.
Secondly, decide not to let him have any power over your life/emotions by letting it go. Sexual assault is about power. you are a victim of this situation too

Dublin141

He's gone. Don't waste your time feeling angry at him and guilty that you once loved him.

I don't understand how people can keep these secrets. They are dangerous secrets and people like him shouldn't be protected. I'd be angry at the people who allowed you to have a relationship with him knowing full well what kind of an animal he was.

Please find someone to talk to. You may not want to go to counselling but it could really benefit you, help you sort through what you're feeling because your emotions must be conflicting right now. Everything you knew has changed and it wasn't your fault. You shouldn't have to bear this burden alone.

LegacyUser

Unregister wrote: »

Hi Op, I'm so sorry to hear your sad story. Mine is very very similar. My Grandad is still alive. He abused his two daughters and son for years and years. As a result all children are depressed, suicidal, alcoholics. I found out due to someone's drunken ravings and as a result have to keep it a secret from my cousins as their parent does not want them to know. I'm sickened that I have to play happy families when I despise the man. He has ruined all of our lives.

(I wrote post # 6, just wanted to reply to you)
It is unfair of them to demand that you carry this secret and refuse to disclose it to the cousins. If the victims want to play happy families thats their choice, but forcing you to carry the burden too is wrong. Well they dont have the right to ask that. It affects other people as well as just them. The cousins will be enraged when they find out the choice to cut off the abuser was taken away from them.

As in our case they (victims/ including our own siblings) kept the truth from us for years and also refused to bring charges. Both these acts have caused far reaching agony and misery till this day. We can't question why because they were directly abused and have suffered enough. We don't want to put more guilt on them by demanding to know why they refuse to press charges. So here we are in a no-mans-land, suffering this man in our lives even though we hate him.

Unregister wrote: »

The victims refuse to take any action. It disgusts me that my cousins and other relations have no idea, but I'm powerless, have no idea what to do.

I say tell them. Give them a chance to make their own decisions. The cover-up and lack of any criminal prosecution or justice was one of the most painful elements of it all for me. I still cant grasp why people will not expose them. Publish and be damned I say.

Unregister wrote: »

I don't have any advice for you Op because I can't even help my own family out. One thing I will say is try to forget about him, he is dead now, at least you don't ever have to see him again.

Yes, thank your lucky stars for that OP. Many of them are alive and insinuate themselves deeply into the family, they own the property, they haven't been convicted of anything so they have the same rights in the eyes of the law as you and I. They hang around never dying and outliving everyone else for years. I know that sounds terrible but at least in your case OP, you dont have to face that horror.

username123

Im so sorry to hear the awful situations on this thread, my heart goes out for everyone here.

OP - you do not need to be confused. Your feelings were based on what was presented to you at the time. You didnt know about the abuse. Had you known you wouldnt have felt the way you did. Dont feel guilty for havng love for him, you only saw his human side, not his monstrous behaviour.

Its ok to be angry, but dont turn it inward. Talk your feelings out with someone you trust - or here anonymously, and dont bottle it up. Its no surprise you are confused, but just remember that you were only able to base your emotions on what you knew at the time. Now that you know differently you may feel differently towards him - thats ok too. Own your feellings and work through it yourself.

I wish you and others here all the best.