Finding a way to move on

LegacyUser

Over 2 years ago now I was going out with this guy. It was extremely serious and I loved him very much but we both had fiery personalities so we clashed quite a lot and fought an awful lot. Then i found out that I was pregnant and this caused war between us. Unfortunately a few weeks into the pregnancy i miscarried and only a few days later I found out that he had been cheating on me for the past month or so with a girl he had met where he worked.

This led to a break up but because of what I could only call an obsession I kept seeing him casually. We could never be together because we aren't right for each other and we don't make each other happy but there's something there that's keeping the both of us from moving on. I have tried the no contact thing and have never lasted that long. I have had a relationship since then but that didn't work out and I knew it probably never would because of this ex so i ended it.

I don't feel that I've dealt with the miscarriage and all the hurt I've went through properly in the 2 years and don't know if this is what's holding me back. Everyone close to me tells me I should hate him and I know I probably should but I can't bring myself to feel it.

I guess I'm posting here just to see how an impartial person sees the situation and if ye have any advice on how best you see I could begin to move forward from it. It's been going on too long now and I don't even know where to start.

Thanks

Liam Byrne

Can't Move On wrote: »

Then i found out that I was pregnant and this caused war between us. Unfortunately a few weeks into the pregnancy i miscarried and only a few days later I found out that he had been cheating on me for the past month or so with a girl he had met where he worked.

From the sounds of it - and I don't want to seem insensitive - the miscarraige was a cloud with a silver lining.

Did you REALLY want to have a child with someone who "had war" when you got pregnant, and who was cheating on you ?

If it makes it any easier to cope, try viewing it that the child knew more about what was going on than you did, and decided to opt out.

And best of luck!

LegacyUser

As much as i get the point you are trying to get across, I would never see something like that as a positive thing.

blairbear

Hi OP,

The very, very, very last thing I would call your miscarriage is a cloud with a silver lining. There's nothing positive about the situation, regardless of your relationship with your ex. I feel dreadful for you knowing what you went through and what you are continuing to go through. I think the fact the break up and the miscarriage coincided was a terrible blow. You were dealing with two huge different losses in your life at once. Perhaps because your ex boyfriend was the loss that was, so to speak, "fixable" or seemed retrievable, you kept going back to him to soften the blow dealt to you by losing your baby. He's also a link to the baby you lost and you may feel like he's the only one that can make you feel better and understand what you were going through as it was his baby too, even though you were going through "war" at the time and he was treating you dreadfully.

I guess first off, you need to realise that this man can't and won't make you feel better, on any count. You're prolonging your own misery and discontent by being in his company. I don't think intimate male company is what you need right now. I would HIGHLY recommend bereavement counselling or cognitive behavioural therapy which can be very effective for these problems, both issues, which are really interplaying in your life. Your GP can easily refer you and it's also easy enough to research online. I can put links up if you like. A miscarriage is a devastating blow and it's ok and normal that it still plays a big part in your thoughts and your life. I'm sure you know yourself that you need to move on from your ex too but it is very much easier said than done.

Good luck. You deserve to move on and be happy hun.

Nitxteha

When things are not meant to be there´s nothing we can do...

Try to move on and don´t see this guy, as much as it can hurt at the beginning.

And with the time you´ll move on. Maybe God has better plans for you.

"If you cry for not having seen the sun, the tears won´t let you see the stars"

LegacyUser

Hello OP I wish there was something I could do to ease your pain, I've been in a similar situation and I like you want to hold onto something that isn't really there. Who knows why that is - but sometime it is easier to be in contact with someone than not. Maybe it is just that connection to the past, who knows?

I really sympathise with you on the miscarriage, that is a very traumatic experience made even worse by the fact that you didnt have a supportive partner to help you through it. There needs to be some grieving process so hopefully you can get some help to get you through this. I hope that you have some family there to support you, and if you are ever feeling down I have used the Samaritians helpline and found that it got me through the day. They wont give answers but they will offer a very sensitive ear and will listen without judging.

Liam Byrne - I have noticed your comments on some posts in recent days and maybe it is cause you are down on your own luck or something but some of your comments are out of line. A miscarriage is never a silver linging, please be sensitive to the posters that are genuinely hurting and dont need off the cuff remarks like that.

LegacyUser

blairbear wrote: »

Hi OP,

The very, very, very last thing I would call your miscarriage is a cloud with a silver lining. There's nothing positive about the situation, regardless of your relationship with your ex. I feel dreadful for you knowing what you went through and what you are continuing to go through. I think the fact the break up and the miscarriage coincided was a terrible blow. You were dealing with two huge different losses in your life at once. Perhaps because your ex boyfriend was the loss that was, so to speak, "fixable" or seemed retrievable, you kept going back to him to soften the blow dealt to you by losing your baby. He's also a link to the baby you lost and you may feel like he's the only one that can make you feel better and understand what you were going through as it was his baby too, even though you were going through "war" at the time and he was treating you dreadfully.

I guess first off, you need to realise that this man can't and won't make you feel better, on any count. You're prolonging your own misery and discontent by being in his company. I don't think intimate male company is what you need right now. I would HIGHLY recommend bereavement counselling or cognitive behavioural therapy which can be very effective for these problems, both issues, which are really interplaying in your life. Your GP can easily refer you and it's also easy enough to research online. I can put links up if you like. A miscarriage is a devastating blow and it's ok and normal that it still plays a big part in your thoughts and your life. I'm sure you know yourself that you need to move on from your ex too but it is very much easier said than done.

Good luck. You deserve to move on and be happy hun.

That advice makes perfect sense and thank you for it and understanding what I was saying.

Sephiroth_dude

blairbear wrote: »

I would HIGHLY recommend bereavement counselling or cognitive behavioural therapy which can be very effective for these problems, .

I think this would help you alot,also delete this guys number and try not contact him as hard as it will be its for your own good.best of luck op,hope it works out for you.

LegacyUser

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

I think this would help you alot,also delete this guys number and try not contact him as hard as it will be its for your own good.best of luck op,hope it works out for you.

Not always as easy as it seems, as I've previously said I've tried numerous times.

Trixielicious

I know it's hard to move on from somebody but the only way you can get over this guy is to have no contact whatsoever!!! Easier said than done, I know coz I've been there, but through the help of good friends who were there when I needed them I moved on and now I've found a guy that makes me happy.
The steps I took to move on are (1) delete his number(s), (2) if he is on any of the same social websites as you then take a break from them for a couple of weeks, (3) go out with the girls to different places from the ones you normally went with him, (4) under no circumstances should you meet him for sex without strings because the emotional ties you have to him means this will never be sex without strings, (5) take up a hobby, anything at all, yoga, dancing, pottery, whatever tickles your fancy. Its a great way to distract you. And finally always always remember that you are fabulous and that the break-up is his loss, you deserve to be with somebody who loves and respects you.
Definately look into the counselling regarding the miscarriage, it is such a traumatic thing for you to go through and you shouldn't have to cope with it alone.
I really hope it all works out for you!!!

LegacyUser

Liam Byrne wrote: »

From the sounds of it - and I don't want to seem insensitive - the miscarraige was a cloud with a silver lining.

Sorry but thats not the case.


I had a miscarriage/break up combo a few years back and silly people made comments like that to me. A pregnancy can still be much wanted if the circumstances are not ideal. In fact the same people who made that comment to me were gushing over my friend who got pregnant at the same time... but we both felt the same way about our pregnancies.

OP I presume your miscarriage was early? Eitherway, time is a great healer, you don't necessarily need bereavement counselling, though it might help. What you need is to distract yourself from this man. TBH I don't want to be insensitive here, but perhaps you need to try to not dwell on the pregnancy. You may have alot of anger over your treatment at this stage but its your repetitive BEHAVIOUR i.e. going back to this guy over and over again - thats the problem here. Remember its STOPPING YOU from having a real relationship. Doing the same thing over and over in hopes of a different outcome is insanity. You know what to do. STOP SEEING HIM. I don't think he's going to come back whimpering and making things difficult for you.

Best of luck x