Sex with the ex (with a twist)

LegacyUser · 09-08-2009 12:34pm #1

I had sex with my ex-girlfriend, it was good, I enjoyed it, neither of us want a relationship, chances are it will happen again. So, that's not the dilemma.

The dilemma is that afterwards she told me that she was in a relationship with somebody else. I would be quite happy to carry on having a sexual relationship with her and so (it seems) would she. Am I out of my mind for even considering this. I don't think very much of her for carrying on behind the other guys back but I figure that it's a question for her own set of morals, not mine.

Personally, I would never do (and have never done) what she is doing but I figure it's her decision. Am I being a dick for wanting to carry on with her even though she's in a relationship with this guy and he doesn't know about it, obviously I will practice safe sex and all that.

I don't really have feelings for her beyond lust and I don't see myself developing feelings for her, it is 100% sexual at the moment.

What do people think?

Liam Byrne · 09-08-2009 2:58pm

She's spoken for, and you know.

So it's not just a question of her morals; that's a complete cop-out on your part to excuse yourself from responsibility.

Rather than considering it, I'd be closer to considering telling him what kind of a slapper he's going out with.

Eve_Dublin · 09-08-2009 3:46pm

What a bizarre situation and how unbelievably sordid! It makes me feel kind of nauseous reading it actually to think people carry on this way.

OP, I don't mean to sound patronising or sanctimonious here but I'm surprised you're asking this question at all? You must know what BOTH of you are doing is wrong? There are thousands of other people you can have sex with out there and you pick your ex...who has a boyfriend. But maybe this set-up is what's doing it for you? Take out the drama and what are you left with? That makes it all the more wrong if this is the case.

Just leave it OP. Are you really THAT desperate?

LegacyUser · 09-08-2009 4:19pm

Thanks for the comments guys. What I'm hearing makes a lot of sense, it's wrong to think that I can absolve myself of responsibility just because I'm not the one doing the cheating. I am very attracted to her and we get on well outside of the sex too but that's all beside the point.

I'm going to let her know that I'm not going to continue having sex with her while she's in a relationship. If she wants to get out of the relationship with the guy then to be honest I'd be happy enough to continue a sexual relationship with her. I expect that she wont want to get out of the relationship with the guy. I'm not going to tell the other guy, I think it's better not to get involved in this one.

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

There are thousands of other people you can have sex with out there and you pick your ex...who has a boyfriend. But maybe this set-up is what's doing it for you?

Just to clarify, that does not do it for me... and it repulses me when I actually take the time to think about the situation.

VaioCruiser · 09-08-2009 4:22pm

Bobby_malone wrote: »

I had sex with my ex-girlfriend, it was good, I enjoyed it, neither of us want a relationship, chances are it will happen again. So, that's not the dilemma.

The dilemma is that afterwards she told me that she was in a relationship with somebody else. I would be quite happy to carry on having a sexual relationship with her and so (it seems) would she. Am I out of my mind for even considering this. I don't think very much of her for carrying on behind the other guys back but I figure that it's a question for her own set of morals, not mine.

Personally, I would never do (and have never done) what she is doing but I figure it's her decision. Am I being a dick for wanting to carry on with her even though she's in a relationship with this guy and he doesn't know about it, obviously I will practice safe sex and all that.

I don't really have feelings for her beyond lust and I don't see myself developing feelings for her, it is 100% sexual at the moment.

What do people think?

I think you are right - it is her decision. On the other hand as you say it is not a very nice thing for her to do - but then again you don't know the circumstances of her relationship and the where's and whyfor's of her decision.

I think that if her choice doesn't put you off and you want her - then go ahead. Her BF is her issue, not yours.

All the best.

Liam Byrne · 09-08-2009 4:50pm

VaioCruiser wrote: »

I think you are right - it is her decision. On the other hand as you say it is not a very nice thing for her to do - but then again you don't know the circumstances of her relationship and the where's and whyfor's of her decision.

I think that if her choice doesn't put you off and you want her - then go ahead. Her BF is her issue, not yours.

While you do talk sense at times, VC, sometimes I roll my eyes when I read it.

He's - at least - FACILITATING her cheating. Charming! She wants to have her cake and eat it, keeping her boyfriend in the dark.

The ONLY scenario in which your post would apply is if she and her boyfriend have an "open" relationship, and have decided they can both be with others; I'd still guess that he'd raise an eyebrow over her shagging an ex and then coming home to him, though.

Even if she's a cold-hearted, cheating b***h, the OP should have respect for himself and for others and head off to find someone who's single, kicking this slapper to touch.

OS119 · 09-08-2009 4:55pm

Liam Byrne wrote: »

She's spoken for, and you know.

So it's not just a question of her morals; that's a complete cop-out on your part to excuse yourself from responsibility.

Rather than considering it, I'd be closer to considering telling him what kind of a slapper he's going out with.

OP, do you allow other people to make your big decisions for you - what job to go for, where to live, what holidays to go on - based on their morality?

no? good, so don't make decisions for this girl - coz you wouldn't like her making the same decision for you.

she, being a big girl, has the right to decide how she manages her sex life. if you are happy with the arrangement, you've looked at the potential pitfalls (pregnancy, STD's, unhappy boyfriend finding out or your ex using this as a rouse to back in your life) and are happy that either you'll not fall down them or if you they aren't too deep, and this girl is happy, then go for it. the internal dynamics of her relationships arew none of your business.

if you aren't happy with the whole cheating/open relationship thing then don't get involved, but if you are, then what should stop two consenting adults doing just whatever the hell they like?

LegacyUser · 09-08-2009 5:00pm

OP I think your logic is right - it is her decision. But, its ur decision to put yourself in that compromised position or not. I've been in your position - well close enough. we were careful together. but she wasn't with the other guy. she got preggers. now its around about that time u start wondering about that time the condom came off and condoms only 95% effective at preventing pregancny what about the other 5%. etc etc etc. its not fun.

bascially forget about the needless moralising here. Stick with logic. You continue this you are putting yourself in potentially compromised position. potential result -> drama to the max. trust me mate, you don't want that.

VaioCruiser · 09-08-2009 5:11pm

Liam Byrne wrote: »

While you do talk sense at times, VC, sometimes I roll my eyes when I read it.

Fair enough ... :cool:

He's - at least - FACILITATING her cheating. Charming! She wants to have her cake and eat it, keeping her boyfriend in the dark.

You are 100% correct.

My point, and my belief in life - is that this is her responsibility. OP is not looking to be in a relationship with her, only sex. He is not responsibly in any way shape or form for how she choses to manage her relationship with her BF.

The ONLY scenario in which your post would apply is if she and her boyfriend have an "open" relationship, and have decided they can both be with others; I'd still guess that he'd raise an eyebrow over her shagging an ex and then coming home to him, though.

I agree again. Wholly.

Even if she's a cold-hearted, cheating b***h, the OP should have respect for himself and for others and head off to find someone who's single, kicking this slapper to touch.

I don't follow this extrapolation. Her decision is based on her own situation, about which we know nothing (for example is he in a wheelchair ?) and I am not satisfied that it is not equally apalling to judge her as a 'slapper' as a result.

All the best

Liam Byrne · 09-08-2009 5:19pm

VaioCruiser wrote: »

My point, and my belief in life - is that this is her responsibility. OP is not looking to be in a relationship with her, only sex. He is not responsibly in any way shape or form for how she choses to manage her relationship with her BF.

But he is facilitating her cheating, and that's HIS responsibility. If you like, he's the one helping buy the drinks for underage kids, while they're the ones drinking.

VaioCruiser wrote: »

I don't follow this extrapolation. Her decision is based on her own situation, about which we know nothing (for example is he in a wheelchair ?)

What would a wheelchair have to do with it ? Whoever the hell her boyfriend is, she's chosen to go out with him; nobody forced her!

VaioCruiser wrote: »

....and I am not satisfied that it is not equally apalling to judge her as a 'slapper' as a result.

She wants to have sex with someone else while in a relationship = slapper.

If she wants to be a serial monogamist, or do the single, "sleeping around" dating scene, I won't judge.

But doing the dirt on someone you're in a relationship with = slapper (unless, as I said, they HAVE decided to have an "open relationship"

The OP is complicit in this, whether you like it or not. He knows that she's unavailable and isn't either backing off or making her choose, either of which - IMHO - a real man would do.

Cheaters couldn't cheat if someone didn't let them.

Micky Dolenz · 09-08-2009 5:24pm

Honestly OP,

Run, run for your life. She is obviously still into you. Either get back together properly or give this one a miss. It has train wreck written all over it.

ManOfMystery · 09-08-2009 5:41pm

Technically you're doing nothing wrong. She's the one cheating. If it wasn't you, it would be someone else.

Morally, its a bit low and I'm a firm believer that Karma will come and bite people in the ass. Put yourself in the guy's shoes. You might not be the one doing the cheating, but like it or not, you're the 3rd party in a relationship which should only consist of 2 people - it's up to you to remove yourself from it. Do the right thing

Eve_Dublin · 09-08-2009 5:48pm

VaioCruiser wrote: »

I think you are right - it is her decision. On the other hand as you say it is not a very nice thing for her to do - but then again you don't know the circumstances of her relationship and the where's and whyfor's of her decision.

I think that if her choice doesn't put you off and you want her - then go ahead. Her BF is her issue, not yours.

All the best.

What a selfish attitude. No, her boyfriend is of no concern to the OP and I would agree she should take most of the blame. What's so wrong with trying to be a decent person? As far as I can tell, the fact that someone is in a relationship is enough to stop most people taking things further because their gut instinct tells them it's wrong...not because they owe anything to the other half, just because it's not a very nice thing to collude in knowingly.

I'm no prude and I try to have a 'live and let live' attitude to most things if it's not hurting anyone else...but I can imagine the other guy would be devastated if he found out his OH was having sex with her ex on a regular basis. Things would be much better if people gave a damn about other people beyond their own friends and family, including strangers. Life is hard enough without treating each other this way.

Anyway, the OP has decided not to carry on with it so end of story.

ladhrann · 09-08-2009 5:50pm

At the least OP this is odd and devious. The dynamics of her relationship with her BF is not your business. However this has a very great possibility of blowing up in your face and you being blamed for a failed relationship behind your back etc. So be very wary.

LegacyUser · 09-08-2009 5:56pm

I was in a similar situation last year. Ex got back in contact, became weekend **** buddies. It was all casual, then after a few months she mentioned she had a BF but insisted she wanted the arrangement we had to continue. I was happy to do so because, frankly, it was great sex, but after a while i put a stop to the thing and cut all contact simply because i felt like a complete dick sneaking around with another guys woman. As mentioned above karma is important and there is plenty more non attached pussy out there.

Sex with the ex (with a twist)

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