How on earth do people start relationships??

LegacyUser

I'm a 26 year old girl and getting pretty frustrated with my inability to get into a relationship. The longest I've gone out with someone is a couple of months (and even then it was very casual) and I'm getting worried that I'm going to die alone because of this.

I'd understand if I thought there was something wrong with my looks or personality but I really don't think that there is. Without sounding full of myself here I think I'm quite good looking and always get compliments on my looks and figure. I had a guy come up to me on a night out a while ago and he said to me - "I just wanted to say I think you're beautiful, I'm not going to even attempt to chat you up but I just thought I'd say it". I was a bit stunned but could this be the reason? Are guys intimidated by me? I'm sorry if I'm coming across bigheaded here, I just want to get to the bottom of this.

I also don't think I have a bad personality because I have an amazing set of friends who I'm very close to and I find it easy to make new friends as well. I'm always going out socialising and like to talk to new people. I like to think I'm fun and easy going and I'm a nice person - I'd never be mean to people. I'm reasonably intelligent and have a lot of interests so I'm never stuck for something to talk about.

I used to be a bit overweight (until I was about 20) so it probably affected my confidence when I was a bit younger and I still think I still am "the fat girl" on the inside to an extent so I definately would have slightly lower confidence than some of my friends. I've dated a few guys usually lasting around 1-2 months but then it fizzles and to be honest I didn't really like them all that much anyway. But I do seem to have a huge amount of bad luck when it comes to guys, like if I do meet a guy I really like theres usually some barrier to it working out (ie I'm going travelling/hes going travelling, one time I was ill and had to go into hospital - these type of things) but its just getting so frustrating that it never works out. I'm beginning to think there's something wrong with me that I just can't see and I think my parents are starting to think I'm a lesbian!!

Do other people find it this hard? It seems that everyone else goes in and out of relationships so easily and I just can't make it work at all. I really can't understand what I'm doing wrong - I take care of my appearance, I'm a nice person and I like to think that I'm good company. I also really like sex - I don't get enough of it! - but would love to be in a stable relationship with someone I can be really intimate with.

From my own point of view, I'm a good looking girl, nice, friendly and intelligent, I dress well, I have values, I have many interests and I also enjoy sex!! (Again I'm sorry if I sound full of myself) So what am I doing wrong?? I just can't understand how other people get into relationships so easily whereas I just can't!! I'm beginning to think that I'm just not meant to be in a relationship and I'm starting to get quite sad about it all. Any advice? Sorry this is so long winded!

Otis Driftwood

Unregistered wrote: »

I've dated a few guys usually lasting around 1-2 months but then it fizzles and to be honest I didn't really like them all that much anyway.

Hi OP.

The above is what stood out for me.

You have no problem meeting men,getting dates etc so thats not the issue.My 2 cents would be its the type of men you are meeting/dating that is the problem.If a budding relationship fizzles out then obviously the blokes wernt right for you.Believe me,when you meet someone you want to be with,you will know and you wont let it fizzle out.

The hurdle to this unfortunatly is finding the right person.What type of guys have you gone for in the past.Were there similarities in them be it physical,personality wise etc?
It is very difficult to meet people in the pub/club scene so maybe you could try and widen the net so to speak.Join sports clubs/social dancing classes,do some volunteer work etc Anythin really that you wouldnt ordinarily do that will allow you to meet new people when there isnt a load of beer involved.

You are still young so dont fret too much about it.I know it can be frustrating trying to meet someone and I understand how you feel when you talk about craving non-sexual intimacy with someone.As humans we need it.

Anyway,try putting yourself out there more,you never know who you will meet.

LegacyUser

What type of guys have you gone for in the past.Were there similarities in them be it physical,personality wise etc?

To be honest, I actually don't have a type at all. All the guys I have been involved with have all been completely different - I've gone out with studious law students to rugby jocks, but I generally just look for someone I click with but it is very rare.

Otis Driftwood

Well then you simply havnt met the right one yet.Give it time.These things tend to sneak up on you.

Nitxteha

You sound perfect, but you don´t have to be perfect to be in a relationship. I think nowadays people are very self-centred.

Try to meet guys and have "coffee" dates, and talk and talk and talk...and show interest in the other person, what he thinks, what he does etc.... and make friends... and maybe one of them is the one.

Kissing guys in a pub in a drunken night out does not work

And there´s the most important factor: destiny. It happens when it has to happen, so don´t get too stressed about it.

I don´t think your parents think you are lesbian. Do you think you would have more success with women?

LegacyUser

You probably wont believe me when i say this but i am exactly in the same position as you but the male equivalent. Im 26 also and would be considered good looking amongst my friends but have just given up trying to meet women in pubs and clubs at this stage because they all seem to think you are after only one thing when you approach them which is a bit disheartening.

I have had relationships in the past and have started to miss the intimicy recently but im just not interested in going to clubs anymore because the majority of women i seem to meet have serious hang ups about meeting men in night clubs.I agree this may be warranted in certain cases alright when lads are drunk. Personally i would actually prefer to get to know a person before i get into a relationship with them as you often find that you really have nothing in common with certain people after a few weeks.

In relation to your point about good looking women not being approached by men, it probably is true in certain cases alright that men dont approach very good looking women because they dont think they are single. This is definately true from my point of view as i would not try to chat up a very good looking women unless she gave me signs that she was single. This may be my downfall at times but it would not make any sense to try and chat up every women you are physically attracted in a bar without getting any signs from them. Anyway thats my experiance and im not too sure to be honest if there was any helpful advice there for you but i would just say maybe try to give more of an indication in future to men that you are attracted to and try to hold a conversation with someone before you make up your mind on them as you may be missing out as you cant judge a book completely by its cover.

Men are no differant to women in a sense that we make up our minds pretty quickly after talking to someone whether or not we like their personality -so its a two way thing. It aint that easy to find someone that you naturally click with straight off in a pub/club if you have not met before as you dont know their background or interests and it can be hard to maintain interesting conversation for a sustained period of time before things start sounding like pick up lines and start getting a bit cheesy.

LegacyUser

I don´t think your parents think you are lesbian. Do you think you would have more success with women?:

No and I'm not interested in women at all. But my mum did actually ask if I was. I know she wonders why I haven't found anyone yet. And all of my extended family keep asking why I'm still single - it just emphasises the problem even more!

The whole thing is just so hard!! And to be honest I don't usually meet guys on drunken random nights out down in the pub/club. All of the guys I've dated bar one or two, I've met through friends. The thing that frustrates me is that I have met a couple of guys that I have actually really liked but it just never works out for me. Since the beginning of the year there have been 2 guys I really liked - one I had a fling with but didn't work out due to me being ill and also he doesn't live in Ireland and then another guy recently who I had the most amazing night with - just chatting and getting on like a house on fire and then kissed him - but he didn't seem to want to see me again despite him showing a lot of interest (I'm still a bit confused by that one!)

I just keep thinking what if I never meet anyone? It's fine and well to talk about destiny but what if I'm destined to be on my own? Because not everyone finds someone in the end - I'm afraid of being the crazy bitter old woman dying and being eaten by cats!! I'm also very maternal (not that I want kids right now but in a few years..) and I'd be absolutely devastated if I didn't get to have them. I found myself looking up sperm donors recently just to research my options.

Lux23

I am in the exact same position as you OP. I just don't get how people go from seeing someone to being in a committed realtionship, it just doesn't seem to happen for me. I am with someone at the moment but this will end as he is leaving the country and I do seem to have the worst luck when it comes to meeting men that i like, there always a reason why it won't go very far.

Its frustrating but I suppose we both have to wait for the right person at the right time but there is always a fear quite close to the surface that I never will meet this person. It is realistic to consider as there are plenty of people who remain single for most of their lives. I do sometimes think I am not really cut out for realtionships. But like people are always you just have to meet the right person, bla bla bla.

LegacyUser

Don't want to be rude here but maybe if you lost your inflated ideas of yourself you might become more attractive to men. Nobody likes an egotist and your entire post revolves around what a catch you are, according to erm, you.. Even if it's just that you're very self-confident, many men may find that a turn off.

LegacyUser

Jaysus, I could have written that myself sister!

I'm two years behind you, a 24 year old woman, pretty, lovely, friendly, genuine, honest, up for a laugh, well liked...all that jazz. And no love life to speak of for the last three years. (I'm not even going to apologise for sounding like an arrogant t4at because it's all true! )
Pretty much since I came back from abroad it's been non existant, which I often think must be a major factor here.

Dating in Ireland is a bloody minefield, I just can't figure it out. I've soul searched a lot on this one ('I don't get Irish men!' was starting to wear thin...) and realised that confidence issues play a huge part for me - I need to get happier with myself and within myself because that's the only way of really being 'out there'. Maybe you should think about this too - you lost the weight all those years ago, but to sound like Dr Phil, did you lose all the baggage that came with that, and if not, maybe it's time to start.

From my reckoning, being emotionally available and really open to someone new coming into your life is like an art form, and if you're any way like me, you're consciously longing for a relationship, but a little too used to being single. It's a nice comfort zone and you don't get hurt this way. Just some food for thought.

I also think Murphy's Law has a role to play in this - as long as you're looking, it's not happening. You sound just like me - damn well frustrated, pi$$ed off and baffled by all of this, but you're going to need to relax and learn to let it be, before anyone worthwhile comes into your life. As impossible as it sounds at this late stage in the game, learn to love being single! You need to be enough for yourself. (Which is hard when being a 20s / 30s single woman is viewed as a deficiency, but that's a thesis for another day...)

...and if you master all that, come back and tell me what the trick is!!! Best of luck missus, you've got a lot going for yourself and are not going to be left out for the cats! xx

LegacyUser

OP here again.

"Don't want to be rude here but maybe if you lost your inflated ideas of yourself you might become more attractive to men. Nobody likes an egotist and your entire post revolves around what a catch you are, according to erm, you.. Even if it's just that you're very self-confident, many men may find that a turn off."

Ok seriously, what is with this attitude here in Ireland? Can no one say anything nice about themselves without people saying they are full of themselves etc???

But it is nice to know that there are others who are in my position. And the last poster is right. I think I am a bit too used to being single. When you are single for long periods of time you can become too independent. I need to work on getting out of my comfort zone.

LegacyUser

Hi all,
I am the exact same, no man, never had one, wonder if i ever will...
Really like the second last post, thought it made heaps of sense!!
I think all of us in similar positions need to act on those things, which is really and truly being more happy within self, being happy single, being happy with appearance etc. The men will come along then, when we learn to RELAX and stop looking consciously or not.

I think over the years, i've been too self-conscious (giving off negative, lack of confidence vibes => men keep away), I've also subsciously searched (again the men pick up on the vibe). I could go on forever...

Good luck to all of you!!

Tar.Aldarion

It sounds like you are doing fine OP, it's hard to find the right person so mine have generally only lasted a few months and when you find the right person(rare!) it's years, maybe forever. Best of luck

EireEV

There seems to be a lot of people on this thread who are finding it hard to find their ideal partner and start a meaningful relationship so here's a thought:

Why don't we PM one another and take it from there - have read about a few people who met through boards.. it has to be worth a try right?

Feel free to PM me.

EireEV.

Wibbs

What people do through PM's is up to them so long and cool as it's not abusive, but let's keep the dating stuff out of this thread please.