lonely being single

LegacyUser

I'm 27, female and single and would like some advice.

I was happily single for the past 5 years until earlier in this year when I thought that I'm 27, not getting any younger and don't want to die a lonely old woman. Learned earlier in the year that some people that I went to school with are beginning to settle down or have done so already and this gave me a fright because I've been happily single for so long.

I find it hard to go out to pubs and clubs at weekends due to my work. I enjoy other activities that wouldn't involve drink but having wrote this I don't have a problem with drink. I much prefer going to concerts and comedy acts. I go out from time to time but certainly not every weekend and I don't drink often. Within the past few months I have joined up to classes to increase my circle of friends and this is going ok for me. I'm meeting people which is good.

I have joined up to an online dating site in the hope of finding males for dating and if it leads something more that would be great. I was honest in my profile and honest contacting other members. I was not airbrushed or wearing make up in the photos that I put up - Its all the real me.

I have met up with three men and the problem is that nothing goes beyond the first date. Despite the nerves the dates were ok. I'm no model. I'd be average looking maybe. Family, friends and my employer has said that I've a lovely personality and I'm very caring of others. I turned up all clean, neat and tidy to these dates. I dolled myself up but not tarty looking either. I don't wear make up but my skin is good. Conversation went well on the dates. I asked plenty of questions and listened to the guys. I can be a shy starting off when meeting any new person. I found it easy to talk about myself and also my job. Its a unqiue job and I've a real passion for what I do. I love my job. I have learned so much and it has made me a better person.

I suppose I'm finding myself a little bit lonely. Would like to find someone I could share my life with and someone I could become intimate with. But nothing is happening beyond the first date. I don't think I'm coming across as despairate. I went out on lunch dates with these guys to enjoy my afternoon off and not to pick up a potential husband. One of these guys has even said that he would be interested in meeting up again, and then I heard nothing from him again (why would he say such a thing).

I don't know where I'm going wrong. Don't know how I could improve my chances of getting a second date. Would guys from a fee paying site be more geniune than guys from a free dating site.

I'm fed up with being let down by the guys that I've met up with so far. Whats wrong with sending a text to let someone know where they stand instead of letting someone cop on for themselves.

Wurly

Hi OP,

Well, six months ago I could have written your post. I am almost 27 and was single for 5 years.

After a while, it does start to get in on you and you begin to personalise the situation and think it must be something to do with you. Sometimes its just the situation and it simply hasn't happened yet.

The one thing that struck me from your post is that you don't really see yourself as the 'prize'. I mean, 'you're no model or anything'..... See what I mean? Blokes pick up on this and if you don't think you're bloody deadly, then why should they? Bottom line is, even if you don't believe you're absolutely fantastically gorgeous, sell yourself as if you are! Confidence is a massive turn on to both sexes. I think this is where I went wrong too..

You're getting out there, doing classes etc which is what I did. And I would advise anyone to do the same. Those people you meet know people and you never know who might cross your path.

I did the online dating thing once or twice and like you, felt let down and it gave me a sense of despair re the dating world. If I was newly single tomorrow, I don't think i'd go down this route again tbh. It's very shallow from my experience and if they don't call again, you begin to personalise things further. And it all adds weight to 'why am i single for so long' debate in your head.

I actually met my OH on this site of all places! We messaged for a long time before meeting up. And at the start, it was nothing more than innocent banter with no intent of meeting up whatsoever. I was myself and he himself and we already knew a large chunk of each other by the time we'd met up. Previous to this, my friends would give me the line 'oh, you'll find someone' blah blah. But I felt like i'd exhausted all avenues in a way. I was out there meeting so many people etc etc and yet it never happened. Then it happens on bloody boards!! ha ha. My point is that you just REALLY do not know what's around the corner. And as cliche as that sounds - it's SO true.

I don't know if you're into reading but I find some self help books of great value. "How to be Wanted" by Romy Miller (pardon the title - lol) is excellent and reminds you that you are the 'prize' as I said earlier. The second book I would recommend is "Instant Confidence" by Paul McKenna. I still use this book from time to time when I need it and it's magic.

I really think that the less hard you try, the more effortless things become. If you are confident and accepting of yourself, things will happen. Know what you want and let it come to you. Keep doing what you're doing in terms of getting out there. You're doing the right thing. Best of luck, OP.

P.S. Sorry if this is all nonsensical waffle. I'm not long up. Hope it was of some help. X;)

martoman

Hi butterfly.lady

I’m a 28 year old male and I totally recognize your frustration and disappointment. In the past six months I've had quite a few dates, and nothing went beyond the first meeting. On each occasion the engagement went fine, or at least, it seemed to me that way—the conversation was usually pleasant and the evening went well—bar one date. After the each of the dates, we’d also agree to meet up for a second date, but when I’d arrange a successive date, I always got no reply or else some excuse saying that they were busy that week. In all, my dates have all ended pretty much the same. I never even got to kiss any of these girls :-(

P.s feel free to sent me a pm if you like ;-)

BusterHighman

You're only 27 so you're still young so theres nothing to worry about there. I'm 24 and I've had school friends who settled down years ago, each to their own as they say. As you said you've enjoyed single life and hey, who hasn't, but for what you are looking for I don't think you are missing out on much if anything by not being able to go clubbing.

The best move you made was with joining the classes especially if they are in something you are interested in and thus would already have a common interest with the men you met there. I would say though with classes to also move out of your comfort zone and try some things you wouldn't usually, not only to broaden your horizons (and conversation starters) but also your friend base.

You must have great skin to not feel the need to wear make up and many men prefer the natural look to the bucket of foundation. In terms of conversation you must also be careful as some blokes love to hear the sound of their own voice. I noticed you talked about your own career for a few sentences and was wondering how much of your conversation during the dates was taken up talking about it. I'm sure it is very interesting and you should and clearly are very happy you're in a job that really interests you. I would just wonder if diversity might also have helped.

I can tell you that your shyness is not something you should be concerned about as many men find such a trait very appealing. Also if you found true love within 3 dates you would be a truly lucky person indeed. It doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong, other than expecting too much too quickly.

My best advice is to simply go out more, put yourself in a position to meet more people more of the time and above all enjoy yourself. Meeting the right person is not something that can be rushed, it just happens and in my experience its when you least expect it!:)