His birthday, his family, my present

LegacyUser

Hello.

Been with my boyfriend over a year and half now. Living together for that other half of our relationship.

Last year I got him a bad present (we were together very little time by that stage and I hadn't a clue!) So basically, I took him out to dinner, the present was a book he wanted, a bottle of wine and rugby gear. And he never stops getting a laugh out of it when the topic comes up around his family members on the topic of presents, "Hey, I got a book and a rugby ball last year so, go figure!". But last year I wasn't even invited out to the birthday party with his friends in the town, he "forgot" to ring me, it was spur the moment. It was not an issue.

He got me a laptop for my birthday and I was very grateful. I earn 20 grand less than him per year so surprise surprise. I'm also in college but I work 40hours a week on top of it during term time to fix up rent and food.

Long story short. This year his family are all "dying" to know what I'm getting him. I got a message from his mom and a message from his sister asking did I need any advice for the right gift. I replied nicely, declining their offer. So.. aside from birthdays, I get him little surprise presents during the year, buy him clothes, brought him on a holiday to Spain for two weeks this year, buy him shoes and all his toiletries etc. On top of food for the house, bills etc. I'm sort of skint. But not entirely.

He has everything he needs.

So this year I got him a selection of his favourites, cologne, a dvd he was after, and a shirt. I considered a pair of shoes and a coat too. He doesn't want anything else, I asked him!

Yet this present from me has to be great. Because his family are getting him expensive things and now I'm wondering is it the thought that counts to them? Or is the fact that I look after his every need outside of birthday time not taken into account.

I'm going to a dinner party with them all next week. And I don't have any idea how I'm going to react with the gadgets and the vouchers and money that'll be flowing over the table, I'll foot a good part of the bill too, and yes, they'll ask me what I got him before anything gets exchanged...

He will be entirely happy with what I get him, because he knows he's taken care of. But his family will have comments to make....

Does the thought not count to people anymore?!?!?

blairbear

First of all, what the hell was wrong with a book, a bottle of wine and rugby gear last year?! I don't understand why you thought it was a bad present or indeed, why he comments on it not being up to scratch. I think it's a totally acceptable, thoughtful gift for somebody you said you didn't know too long at the time.

Secondly, his family seem quite pushy and materialistic..I mean, what age is this guy? Nobody cares this much about birthdays after the age of 21 generally. It is absolutely nobody's business what you're getting him. AT ALL. I can't fathom why they'd be so hyperinvolved in something so trivial. Because in the current climate, it IS trivial.

The gift you're getting him now sounds well-planned and very thoughtful. If I were you, I wouldn't give it to him at the family dinner, or before. Give it to him later when he gets home, and if they insist on asking then be quite coy about it and say you're saving it til later. Let them think whatever they want, because frankly it's bizarre that any considerate gift would be looked down on..by him too.

Lollipops23

is it just me or do they sound incredibly materialistic??


you seem to already spend an awful lot on him for someone who doesn't earn a huge amount of money AND is in college.

my OH would kill me of i spent more than i could afford on his bday/xmas, but he's just not into gifts in general. his family sound like the "keeping up with the joneses" types,i swear i couldn't care less what my bro's OH got him for his bday!

stop worrying,honestly,you're getting him stuff he needs and likes,showing that you know him and listen to him. that's all any guy could as for.

Keano

You should have a word with and tell him not to bring up any more as it offends you.

I agree with lollipop, they sound a materialistic.

LegacyUser

First off, I know it was a bad present because he wouldn't have brought it up.

This year I've thought about this a lot. Asked him the past two months what he would like. He says he is 100% happy with all he has etc..

I like the idea of giving the present to him after the dinner.

The family are very involved with one another. They a tight knit, see one another very regularly etc.

I'm still nervous. I won't be abe to keep a straight face. I hope I come down with a cold

herya

They are not only materialistic but also very rude and by the sound of it, a bunch of unpleasant superficial naggers.

Ignore them, nod and smile your way through the dinner.

The only question that counts is if your boyfriend shares their attitude? If "he never stops getting a laugh out" of the present you gave him - which was perfectly fine and very thoughtful - and if he brings it up himself without his family it's a big big warning sign.

R.D. aka MR.D

My OH's family can sometimes be like that. I got him some paintings i did myself cause i was broke. They never saw them but the reaction when i said that thats what i got him was not nice can i tell you.

He was delighted though!!

The thing to remember is that your in a relationship with him and not the family. You shouldn't care what they think because if they are going to look down on you then they have more problems than you do!

If anyone does say anything about it then look at him and say 'when i have more money i''l buy you a boat' and smile.

The only two people who matter in your relationship are you and him.

If he turns his nose up at it thats a differnt story...Is that the kind of person you want to be with?

Sephiroth_dude

Let them say what they want,ignore them,at the end of the day its the thought that counts.

Ollchailin

Firstly there was absolutely nothing wrong with what you bought for him for that first bday ye were together. Who cares what your boyfriend's family thought. I would worry though that your boyfriend was laughing at the gifts too- that's not at all fair on you, especially when money is tight. He should be more supportive and certainly more grateful.

Secondly, why the hell a mother is ringing her son's girlfriend to ask what she's buying for him is beyond crazy, unless she wanted to be sure ye weren't buying the same thing (although doubtful that's why she rang). Absolutely none of her business. I am extremely close to my boyfriend's mother but she'd never even ask me that! She needs to stick her nose out and realise what you buy for her son is nothing to do with her. Bloody Mammys! They're the best in the world but get one who thinks her son can do no wrong and the son feels the same about her.... bloody hard work for any woman who comes along.

Don't mind the family OP, you sound like you're being very thoughful and generous.

Handsome Bob

Be head strong OP and don't apologise for your position. A side from the fact that there is nothing wrong with the presents you are giving him, the reality is that you are in college. Yes you are getting 40 hours a week in work, but I imagine a sizeable amount of that is going on rent.

To be blunt, this a problem for your BF to solve. He should be telling his family to STFU and that he is perfectly happy with the gifts you are giving him.

Sephiroth_dude

LZ5by5 wrote: »

He should be telling his family to STFU and that he is perfectly happy with the gifts you are giving him.

Thats excactly what he should,I know if I was In b/f thats excactly what I would be telling them to do.

keefg

Next time one of his family ask you what you're getting him for his birthday just tell them you are going to have a threesome with him and another gorgeous girl from work/college, that'll shut them up

And lets face it....none of his family can top that for a prezzie.


.

Balmed Out

Get onto the friends he went out with last year and arrange a lads night out for him. You can drive them to some nightspot and collect agian at whatever time they ring. Great pres.

barleybooley

You poor thing, this is really not something that someone who is still in FT education as well as having a job should be stressing about. My BF would go daft at me if I was blowing tonnes of money on him if he was working. And you're buying him presents at like like €60 plus a pop just as a treat? And you seem to be funding yourself through college and they still jibe you? Well eff them. Are they really stuck up? Maybe they got him crap stuff and they were just glad that someone else didn't make the grade presents wise in their eyes, you wouldn't know. Maybe this year you could get some really gorgeous sexy underwear and plan a very nice evening for just the two of you with homemade treats and what not, I can't imagine he'd scoff at that. If it persists, just tell him you really don't appreciate the jibes from your family that it was one time and would they get over it already?
Whatever you do OP I hope he likes it and that's all you really want, best of luck

PS I think it's amazing that you can afford all these little gifts and pay your way living wise, so well done you! They should be commending rather than condemning you!

CDfm

I would get him a rugby ball too as a filler.

Really your gifts sound great and I think on your birthday you really want to be with the one you love. Thats what its about.

Nitxteha

You are over-compensating him. Be more confident. He said he'd be happy with whatever you´d get him.

If I were you I would give him a card with your telephone number to make sure this year he does not "forget" to call you for any party with his friends. And a bottle of wine (if it was red last year buy a white, or the opposite).

When his family asks what you've given him as a present, say it's a secret and wink. Don´t take pressure from anybody

CDfm

I agree - its probably a little family joke with no malice intended. So maybe you should not be so sensitive and play along with it.

jmbkay

You are in the relationship with him, not his family. He should be on your side when they are questioning you, if both of you sidestep the questions you dont like them asking, they wil stop when they find they are getting nowhere.

That_Guy

If you like each other then presents shouldn't matter whatsoever regardless of what they are.

For my 18th when I was going out with a girl I asked her for a packet of milkshake mix. I don't like getting presents but if I do get a present I'm very grateful regardless of what it is.

In this economic climate you're hardly going to splash out on a brand new Mercedes for him.

I really think you should take care of your own finances and not pay someone else theirs. It's a nice gesture but absolutely ridiculous especially if he's making more than you a year.

Nice thought and gesture and honestly I think it a little selfish of him to be even asking for a present from you after all the money you must be forking out on him during the year on little gifts etc.

Oh The Humanity

But last year I wasn't even invited out to the birthday party with his friends in the town, he "forgot" to ring me, it was spur the moment. It was not an issue

Its very generous of you to be so understanding about this. A bit too nice if you ask me. He had an inpromptu birthday party and 'forgot' to ring you?

Then he moaned about the present you got him and obviously repeated the moans to his family who sound like a bunch of tw*ts if you dont mind me saying so.

Its your life but do you seriously think this is acceptable?

SueWho

Maybe last year when he slagged the gift in front of his family he probably was more concerned with what his family thought of the gift rather than what he thought of it himself. Now that you know each other so much better and he has now reassured you that anything you get will be nice then I'd say just trust him and screw the family and their snotty comments.

CDfm

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Its very generous of you to be so understanding about this. A bit too nice if you ask me. He had an inpromptu birthday party and 'forgot' to ring you?

TBH that seems like a night out with the lads boozing. Lots of people do that really and it coincided with the occasion.

Very normal - silly jokes and lots of beer.

StormWarrior

I think it's very rude of your boyfriend to make fun of the presents you got him, and to allow his family to be this way with you. It was his choice to buy you a laptop, no-one forced him, it doesn't mean you have to reciprocate by buying him expensive stuff. The best present I ever got from my boyfriend was a vinyl copy of Europe's The Final Countdown album. He often bought me more expensive things, but this record which probably only cost about a fiver was the best because it was something he had just randomly seen in a shop, it wasn't my birthday or anything, but he knew that was my favourite album and it showed that he was thinking of me while he was out and about and that he paid attention to the things that I was into. Knowing that he thought of me during the day and cared about my interests was worth more to me than expensive stuff. We had a birthday and Xmas rule that we would get each other presents worth the cost of no more than 3 CDs, to be sure that we didn't spend ridiculous sums and one person wouldn't splash out more than the other. If you have so much less money than your boyfriend, maybe you should come up with a similar rule?

I think your boyfriend and his family sound rude, thoughtless, pushy and materialistic. Forgetting to invite you to his birthday party? Sounds like he doesn't really care that much for you. I'm sure you can do better.

Oh The Humanity

CDfm wrote: »

TBH that seems like a night out with the lads boozing. Lots of people do that really and it coincided with the occasion.

Very normal - silly jokes and lots of beer.

Wow.......... Quelle suprise! you dont say!

Whatever, its not big and its not clever to say 'he forgot'

How would he like it if she 'forgot' to buzz him on her Birthday drinks. Rude.

If he hasn't got the balls to make his own birthday drinks mixed so he can have his own girlfriend along, speaks volumes.

Then he is belittling her present just to fit in with his family.

He sounds like a sheep not a man.