Lying Cheating ********

LegacyUser

Husband left me and our kids 3 months ago because he wasn't happy...Found out yesterday that he's being seeing someone else all along. He has repeatedly denied there was anyone else. I had previously asked him as did our counsellor a couple of times was there a third party, because at least if there was I would have a concrete reason for our marriage breakup, I wanted nothing but the truth and to be able to move on however much it hurt.
Over the last few months I have torn myself apart looking for where we went wrong.... where I went wrong!
My God things are hard enough, could he not have been honest with me and faced the music.
He doesn't know that i know, he works in Dublin and I work and live down south....
Am in shock all over again even though my instincts have told me all along he was seeing someone else, feel sick.
When we seperated I vowed I wouldn't hate him for our kids sake but looks like I'm about to break one of my vows....
Should I confront him with this, ask him why?? Now I know why he hasn't been able to look me in the eye since we split...
Sorry about the long rant....
Just can't get my head around this... Been with him for 10 years and don't know him at all....
Thanks for reading.

LegacyUser

Hello OP,

I can completely understand how you feel. After 5 years my partner did the same....screaming shouting family questioning and he denied there was a third party all along. I suspected from the first and it came out 6 months later. He also would not look me in the eye until the truth came out.

Well, from my own experience, I would advice you not to question why. Do you really want to know? Will it make a difference? Like you I thought we were a happy family, and with hindsight I should have been able to see the mid-life crisis coming and the change in behaviour......well, unless you are looking for it, this kind of thing ALWAYS sneaks up you.

My partner loved his kids, and I am sure yours does love his too. It is VERY hard not to hate, but believe me, hate is a slow poison that only corrupts it's bearer...it may be the flip-side of the love you had for him, but it will only hurt you. Do you have anyone close you can just rant and let go with? It will be all the better to let it out. But whatever you do, please try not to scream at your husband...there is no point. he is already clutching at strwas (probably) to justify his behaviour, and will more than likely sieze on your anger/hurt in attempt to alleviate his own guilt. I am sure he knows exactly what he is doing. And so does this third party!

I don't know if I have given you any concrete advice, but I am sure it will help you to kow that there are others who have been through the same and made it to the other side.....because you will!!

It will hurt, and it will get nasty, but in the end you will be stronger. You have your children to love...and they have you to love back. You are not ugly/ boring/unloveable......you simply found yourself on the path with what has turned out to be a really unsavoury companion. It's not the end

My mother told me this and at the time I couldn't hear it for misery, but 2 years later I realise she was right.

I wish you all the best,

You're not alone

:-)

LegacyUser

OP almost exactly a year ago my Ex did exactly the same thing....lied and lied about the Other Woman and walked out on me and kids.
All I can say is it DOES get better..I know you are hurt right now, I remember I felt like I had been hit by a bus! It was like my husband had become a stranger overnight.
What madeit worse was I had just left my job to return to college and he never said a word about his plan to leave....so I was left to fend on welfare.
I knew things were not right but I was away up the country as my mother was in a coma so thought it was just him being stressed..she died just after he left. She told me he was no good 25 years ago and I wish I had listened!
Twenty years ago tomorrow would've been my 20th wedding anniversary and so much has changed..
OP my advice is to get legal advice ASAP..best thing I ever did, get the maintenance sorted whilst you are still talking because as the months go by the bills still have to be paid.One thing I did was make sure I got half the bank account..I know I sound ruthless but I am glad I did as the Other Woman started to object to the amount of maintenance being paid.
Also I continued to go to counselling, he stopped but it really helped me to let go of the bitterness.
You need all friends and family around you..I told everyone but it took me 3 days and nights of no sleep and sitting in a daze before I could tell anyone or face saying it out loud.
You will get through this....I am much much happier now, more independent and content.
It is hard but you have your kids and the first few weeks they help as I found I had to keep going. God love you , wishing you the best

LegacyUser

Thank you ladies for your kindness.....
Things had been going well on the communication front for the past few weeks and I was half afraid I was softening towards him... There is no fear of that now...

I just don't understand why he couldn't tell me the truth, he owed me that much at least. I am not going to tell him I know, he'll only lie and deny it anyway...or as you mentioned use it against me, and if he does I'm in a place now where i could not predict how i would react...

Half of me thinks he didn't tell me for 2 reasons, he is not man enough to face up to the consequences - this man never apologised for anything as long as I know him....
The second reason, I had always said cheating is a dealbreaker,...I think he feels he has left the door open to coming back by keeping me in the dark , (he has walked out twice before after meltdowns and I took him back..I know, stupid thing to do)
I think he feels if it doesn't work out and if i found out he was cheating then there is no way back..

I have remained calm and dignified this far so I intend to stay that way. I was on the way back up and this has really knocked the wind out of me... Can't believe my own reaction cause deep down I knew......
But you are right I have 3 fab kids a great support network and I will focus on these.
Thanks again for your kind words, they have really helped....

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

When we separated I vowed I wouldn't hate him for our kids sake but looks like I'm about to break one of my vows....
Should I confront him with this, ask him why?? Now I know why he hasn't been able to look me in the eye since we split...
Sorry about the long rant....
Just can't get my head around this... Been with him for 10 years and don't know him at all....
Thanks for reading.

I can understand completely how you feel OP. I am so sorry you have had this happen to you.

I htink that the pure shock and emotion of things won't allow you to do much rational thinking for a while and I think you need to concentrate on hanging in there for now and staying close to your kids.
In a while you will probably start to accept what has happened and look toward the future.

Firstly I would say that hatred will only hurt you. It won't hurt him one bit. However it will eat you up and contaminate your life with your kids and with other future friends of yours. It's easy for me to say it here I know - but what has happened has happened - you will probably never ever find out the details of why exactly he did what he did and face the fact that it takes two to contribute to what happened. But I really don't think it will help you or make you feel any better.

Stay close to your kids, learn from what has happened, and move forward.

All the best

LegacyUser

Hi,
OP I'm sorry to hear your story - I'm in the same boat - my partner left me and my two kids 3 months ago (the difference is I'm male). My wife decided she wanted a break as she was stressed out while I worked hard and late to make ends meet. She told me she was not seeing anyone and wanted some time out before deciding what she wanted. After a month, during which time I was devastated as I thought we had a good life had to cope with the kids, my work etc! I was lucky that I had a good support group around me! Turns out she had being seen an old ex behind my back and has now shacked up with him and his two kids. Our two kids mean nothing to her anymore and they dont want to spend time with her. I do my best to communicate with my wife but she is totally unreasonable wants to spend time with me and him - frankly, she was given the choice yesterday me or him and I haven't heard from her yet! I really dont know what to do, however getting this of my chest is helping.

Good luck to you and hopefully we will all get our just rewards
C

LegacyUser

I'm sorry to hear you are in the same situation as me, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy... I'ts hard for me to imagine a mother walking out on her children but I'm sure it's equally hard for you to imagine a father doing the same.
How people can change though, it's scarey...To leave their children and not give a damn, it beggers belief??
Men usually get the bad press when it comes to these things..I on the feel like I'm living the stereotypical wifes nighmare......
But for every 1 that cheats they need another cheater so thanks for telling me your story. It makes me feel less like a vulnerable silly trusting woman when I hear it happens to men too. I think men don't talk about these things much???

Yes I'm angry about all the deception and betrayal but at least I can hold my head up high, I trusted and loved and was faithful without question and I don't regret it...
At least I'm capable of it, and judging by the posts and replies on this site thats a rare and special quality in a person...
I'm so not going to let this ******* break me, and nor should you.

I will say though I think they have both done us a favour...
Reading the advice of those who were good enough to reply to my post has made me realise that at least now I'm not going to waste any more of my life with this looser...

We will be the ones who will end up happiest out of all of this, I really believe this and I hope that when the time comes when our husband/wife looks for another chance we will be happy and strong enough to slam the door in their faces.....

We have our fabulous children and they have us, thats all we need,(ok maybe a little extra money) and you mentioned that like me you have great support, and I thank God for that.

You and your children will get through this mess.

Stay strong...
I wish you the very best.
S

LegacyUser

Hi OP

Thanks for your kind words - its all about being strong and I'm doing that for my kids and they can make their own minds up when they are of age but right now I'm all they have and I have taken the last two onths off work trying to figure this out - I'm in no stronger a position now than the day she walked out. I thought I had a great relationship but you never know and I agree I cant wait for the day when she wants back (if that ever happens) because I will not forgive her for the last few months.
She loves her kids but to do what she has done is no excuse - unfortunately they are too young to realise what is going on but who knows maybe she will want to be more of a mum some day.
I agree that men dont talk about these things and to be honest I find it difficult even with my family, however in a situation like this it is much easier! The locks are changed in the house so she cant get in and of course she is not happy about that as most of her stuff is still here - I told her to get a solicitor (after 13 years of marriage that is sad!)
She contacted me this morning and told me she wants to take the kids next week for the week and at the moment I'm hesitant to do so and I told her that which no doubt didn't go down too well, again as far as I'm concerned she cant walk in and out of their lives when she wants!
I wish you all the best and stay strong!!

Balmed Out

tough breaks, dont really have any experience or qualification to offer advice but heres my bit anyhow.
I just wanted to advise the guy to go get leagal advice at once to cover your own ass, if things dont work out you dont want her to take custody of kids etc etc.

Also the op seems to realise but maybe you dont that someone who treats you so badly and so disrespectfuly isnt worth having as a partner.

ManOfMystery

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi OP

Thanks for your kind words - its all about being strong and I'm doing that for my kids and they can make their own minds up when they are of age but right now I'm all they have and I have taken the last two onths off work trying to figure this out - I'm in no stronger a position now than the day she walked out. I thought I had a great relationship but you never know and I agree I cant wait for the day when she wants back (if that ever happens) because I will not forgive her for the last few months.
She loves her kids but to do what she has done is no excuse - unfortunately they are too young to realise what is going on but who knows maybe she will want to be more of a mum some day.
I agree that men dont talk about these things and to be honest I find it difficult even with my family, however in a situation like this it is much easier! The locks are changed in the house so she cant get in and of course she is not happy about that as most of her stuff is still here - I told her to get a solicitor (after 13 years of marriage that is sad!)
She contacted me this morning and told me she wants to take the kids next week for the week and at the moment I'm hesitant to do so and I told her that which no doubt didn't go down too well, again as far as I'm concerned she cant walk in and out of their lives when she wants!
I wish you all the best and stay strong!!

I hope things work out for you AND the OP as you're both in a similar situation. 'Stay strong' is good advice, your inner strength is the only thing that will get you through this.

I can't understand parents who walk out and leave their kids - there really us no other word for it apart from selfish. They are putting their own romantic/physical/etc needs above those needs of their children.

LegacyUser

Thanks manofmystery and balmedout and for kind words and advice, like you can't I get my head around the paternal/maternal on off switch?? Selfish seems like too small a word really??.

OP Husband, C , you sound to me to still be in love with your wife, and that's to be admired, and to be regretted...but please be careful, 13 years is a long time to invest in someone, and it is very hard to finally let go???..
You are obviously a great Dad and still in shock with your wifes behaviour.
I've met our marriage counsellor twice on my own since the breakup......OK so I feel a little like a whinging yank as opposed to the usual long suffering Paddy, I never thought I'd be one of those people!!, but really it's helped, like the saying goes a problem shared is a problem halved. Don't do this alone, we're rocks but not islands.....God I'm full of cliches tonight? Sorry.
Anyway take the help your are offered, your kids will thank you for it in the end. You mentioned she wants them for a week, I think you should trust your instinct here, I know I want my kids around me 24/7 at the moment but thats my issue? If you think your children will do well out of spending time with their mam then don't stop it no matter how difficult it is....
I mentioned to my future ex husband...(Not sure what to call him without using profanities!! ) that i will need pprox 400 euro to help send the kids back to school in Sept. He went ballistic, asked me why i only mentioned this 3 weeks before they go back... Don't see his logic, don't kids always restart school in Sept??
How they change huh?
Thanks to everyone for their words of support.
C Again I wish you luck and strength and happiness, (and they will be back)
Take care S

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

this is from the other side of the fence, but please don't go mental...

i left my wife, i was seeing someone else before i walked away. i didn't tell my wife when i left and i didn't tell her for a very long time because, quite simply, i didn't want to hurt her anymore than i had by saying "i'm not happy, i haven't been for a long time, and i'm going to leave".

i was (and still am) ashamed that i'd not left the marriage sooner, i also thought it likely that any suspicion of 'another woman' would make the divorce and parenting arrangements more vicious and protracted - not something that would be good for either of us or our daughter.

my affair didn't end my marriage, my unhappiness ended my marriage. i didn't hate my wife, indeed i still loved her, so i did what i thought was best for all concerned - i tried to make the situation as civil (and quick) as possible - but yes, i lied to her face, repeatedly during our divorce and after it, about my fidelity.

and, i think - both for a very good reason and, fortunately, to the benefit of all concerned - that i was right to do so. i also think that my ex-wife feels the same way, she accepts that the problem in our marriage wasn't the existance or otherwise of another woman or any other unhelpful detail ("you're fat" "you've got a moustache" "you're awful in bed" "you're thick as whale sh*t" etc...), but that i was no longer happy and didn't want to be there anymore.

i'm really, really sorry that your marriage has ended like this, but i leave you with two questions you should ask yourself to help you decide - for your own good - whether you really think that honesty is the best policy: do you really, really want to know that she is more attractive, and more fun to be with than you?, and given how angry you are, do you not think that your soon-to-be-ex-husband may have had an idea of the bitterness that this news would cause, and that in trying to ensure that this bitterness didn't make a grim situation even worse, he was actually trying to do the right thing?

LegacyUser

guilty party

Hi there, I appreciate your point of view, honestly, thank you for your position.

I do agree that hiding the 3rd party fact might avoid a messy situation becoming messier but there is still no mistaking it's the spineless cowards way out..
And definately not the right thing to do.

Yes I am angry, sad, hurt about the breakup, the fact that he is/was seeing someone else doesn't make the pain any better or worse.
But at least if he was honest with me I wouldn't have been living in hope of a reconcilliation. I was put into a horrible Limbo when i needen't have been.

That anger you mentioned is one of the things I needed to allow me to move on...
Believe it or not it is not the fact that he was unfaithful, that was just 1 aspect of what was wrong in the relationship, what hurts the most is the lies the deception, the honesty and trust is forever gone now..

Lies and deception are the things that make people bitter.
I also am aware that I will never be the prettiest, funniest most attractive person in the world, there will always be someone more attractive etc coming in and out of couples lives. The fact that he chose to act on that is his failing not mine, it says a lot about his charachter and not to mention hers.

He chose not to tell me for purely selfish reasons, not to spare me or our children, you are dillusional if you think you or he were thinking of anyone else but yourselves in yer deception and trying to justify it.

I know we both contributed to the failure of our marriage, I wasn't perfect either but at least I was always honest...and faithful.

I know that we are better off apart, I know I deserve someone who worships me. And I am glad not to be destroying myself trying to save a relationship that was nothing like what i thought it was.
The sad thing is we could have been friends, if he was honest, we were heading that way up until I found this out and yes now I'm going to play things my way.
Now I cannot believe anything he says again and although we are no longer a couple we are still parents and will be connected to each other for a long time yet, it's just a sad and worthless ending.

He still doesn't know I know and all I feel now for him is revulsion and mis-trust.

I will always keep things as pleasent and civillised for my childrens sake, I will hold my head up high and move on, and that's my contribution to the break-up.

Again thanks for your side, maybe what you did was benificial to your ex, I don't know. But this is not what's best in my situation, honesty is a quality I value hugely.

VaioCruiser

guilty party... A very interesting post.

The thing for all of us to note is that marriages are extremely complex relationships and there are always, and I mean ALWAYS, two sides to the relationship and plenty of blame to go around.

Honesty is highly over rated, and is generally as scarce on the complainant's side as the complainee. Hypocrisy is also an equal opportunity employer.

OP I really really hope that you find good times and that time will ease your bitterness and bring you wisdom.

All the best.

LegacyUser

Guilty party, very brave thing you did adding your post, despite the long rant (knee jerk reaction) but I really do appreciate your honesty and your perspective.

I am angry, and really trying to rise above it all with as much self respect as I can muster.

But I also am human, and as I've mentioned not blameless either in the failure of the marriage.

I'm sorry vaiocruiser you feel that way about honesty, maybe I'm nieve in expecting such qualities in a partner???
For future reference hipocracy is not a very nice term to be bandied about so casually, especially when people are in quite a heightened emotional place.

Thank you though for your well wishes, and the bitterness will subside, hopefully the wisdom will come and I will choose better the next time.
I will be happy. Am determined like that.

Terodil

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm sorry vaiocruiser you feel that way about honesty, maybe I'm nieve in expecting such qualities in a partner???

Nah. Honesty is the basis for any meaningful relationship and many people, both women and men alike, will share that point of view. I know it's hard for you now but don't lose faith in humanity because you encountered a rotten egg.

Unregistered wrote: »

For future reference hipocracy is not a very nice term to be bandied about so casually, especially when people are in quite a heightened emotional place.

Indeed. Especially since the people who whip out the hypocrisy argument are usually the biggest hypocrites themselves.

Unregistered wrote: »

Thank you though for your well wishes, and the bitterness will subside, hopefully the wisdom will come and I will choose better the next time.
I will be happy. Am determined like that.

You go! I wish you the very best of luck.

LegacyUser

Terodil, - thank you for your words, they mean a lot.
Take care