Falling out of love?

LegacyUser

I've been going out with my girlfriend for the past year, a year next week to be exact, but i don't think i'm as happy as i used to be.

When we first started going out we would see each other every day, and it appears her neccesity to see me every day has not gone away. There are some days where i'd just like to be on my own and do my own thing, and when i ask her if she would mind if i stayed in one night, all hell would break lose. And the days she's off work, she likes to spend the whole day with me, its ok early in the day but i usually end up getting fed up or crabby later on from not having me time.

I don't really feel like i want to bend over backwards as much as i used to, i still do everything she asks me, but dont go out of my way to anticipate what she wants anymore. To top it off, we've booked an expensive holiday in spain for the end of this month, and to be brutally honest i'm not really looking forward to it.

Is this the consequence of falling out of love?

She always tells me that if i ever stop loving her to tell her and that she'll understand, as it happened to her in a previous relationship where she stopped loving him. The bad thing about my situation is that i love her as a friend, we get on really well together and understand each other pretty well, but i know that if we break up she wont want to see me and will probably hate me, which will be hard as we work together. I just don't want to waste her time. She is thinking about settling down and the future when all i think about is whats going to happen in the next week.

ManOfMystery

I don't necessarily think you've falled out of love with her, but you've certainly become so accustomed to seeing her so often and having so little personal time to yourself that it's become irritating to you.

What's the saying - familiarity breeds contempt?

You need personal space. We all do. She does, even if she doesn't recognise it yet. Even married couples need the odd night/day apart to do their own thing.

We're only human, and when you're only going out with someone for a year it's hugely suffocating to have to see them every day and spend all your time with them. It's unhealthy for the relationship, and it's also detrimental to other things - when do you spend time with family? Friends? Hobbies? Etc. You will eventually exhaust the relationship and run out of things to talk about, because you don't do anything else.

You really need to explain this to her, and if she goes off on one, then try again. On that point, if she wants to be in a mature and civilised relationship she has no right getting mad at you for suggesting you spend a LITTLE time apart.

shellyboo

I would kill ANYONE I had to see every single day for a year. Even if it was my lovely old granny.

It's totally unfeasible not to have time to yourself, OP. You'd go mental - you are going a bit mental! If it was just this problem on its own, I'd say you just need to explain to her that you need some alone time, and that she has to deal with that... but with what you're saying about the holiday, it sounds a bit worse.

I think you know yourself that your heart's not in it anymore, but you don't want to hurt her. Well, stringing her along is doing her more harm than good. Stick it out until after the holiday, might be time for a chat then though.

cat_rant

Hi Op,

Does your girlfriend have any hobbies or friends that she socialises with? It sounds like she has turned you into to a one stop shop for comfort,friendship, romance and company. No one can be the one source of these comforts for anyone. And it's not fair to expect someone to be. Perhaps there is something else lacking in her life that she is trying to
"plug the gap" with your relationship....

No wonder you don't feal like spending time with her all the time- it's not healthy.

Maybe chat to her about her spending some more time with her friends or family....
And the only reason she would be angry about you wanting time to yourself is she feels insecure about it and she is probably picking that up from your behaviour if you are crabby.

Hope this works out for both of you. Whatever the solution might be.

Skapoot

Hey OP I dont think its a case of you falling out of love with her. You're seeing her every day which gives you no time to "miss" her. You've forgotten what it feels like to actually want to see her when she's not around , because , she's always there.

and also- the only possible time you get alone you dont spend thinking about her or missing her because you're so glad to be on your own for once. I agree this relationship would be exhausting. And I think you're not thinking about the future with her because you think spending the future with her would be spending every single moment of every day with her.

You need to tell her you need more space, more alone time. Say it to her calmly, that you've had one year of seeing each other every day, you need to be two seperate people in a relationship for it to work.

If she over- reacts i think she may have some issues she needs to work out. Maybe she has low self esteem.

So yeah, dont confuse falling out of love with - being over-suffocated and needing a break

Eve_Dublin

Yeah everyone goes through this, OP and you do question if you love the person anymore but just to add, if you do decide to speak to her about this, you have to word it very, very carefully, be sensitive to how she might feel hearing this and don't give her the impression that you're sick to the teeth of looking at her. Explain it to her gently and try and make her see that this is best for BOTH of you...something like,"I think it would be great for our relationship if we both did our own thing a bit more often....it'll keep things fresh and I'll get a chance to miss the woman I love!"...or something equally cheesy. Lay on the cheese big time. Just make sure you don't blurt out something like, "Jaysus woman! I can't stand the sight of you anymore....I need space from you!". She's obviously quite sensitive and I know some people might take this as an indication that it's over.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice guys, appreciate the help.

@cat_rant, she has very few hobbies and anytime she socialises with her friends i'm forced to be there as she doesnt like going out without me. Anytime i try to do things on my own i get bombarded with constant text messages, and if god forbid i take too long to reply all hell breaks loose, or if i have run out of things to talk about the same happens. When i'm in work she sits at home til i get off, expects me to call over to her house as soon as i get some food and change. You could say i'm the one stop shop yeah.

I've posted here on a few occasions before about the horrible fights we would have and how she doesn't get along with my friends etc. See here: http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055531868&highlight=carry

To be honest I just don't know how much more pressure I can take because of her insecurity and low self esteem, especially going into my final year of university.

She always tells me to let her know if i ever stop loving her, and that she'll understand, but the simple fact is that she won't, and i understand that.

I spent the whole day with her again today, watched xpose and big brother, hated every minute of it, and said nothing. am afraid to say anything 2 weeks before our holiday as, even tho i'm not overly pushed, she's scarily excited about going, and i dont want to wreck it for her, but at the same time don't want to be wasting her time.

Sephiroth_dude

O.P I read your oringinal post.....you have to sit her down and tell all these things,dont be afraid of her,stand up for urself and dont take any **** from her,if you dont want to go out for drinks on a sunday then dont,if you dont want to see her on a certain day then tell you just want to be urself.From the way you were talking in your post she sounds abusive and headwrecking,your only 19 you have to put up with this kinda crap,sit her down and be honest with her.its the only way.

LegacyUser

Why dont you go on the holiday and use it as a chance to get away from your normal routine & see how you feel about things then. If she relaxes a bit you could bring up some of your concerns while away also. However after that, if you still feel the way you do now you need to consider breaking up with her. You're too young to be this miserable in a relationship.

Skapoot

Skapoot wrote: »

Hey OP I dont think its a case of you falling out of love with her. You're seeing her every day which gives you no time to "miss" her. You've forgotten what it feels like to actually want to see her when she's not around , because , she's always there.

and also- the only possible time you get alone you dont spend thinking about her or missing her because you're so glad to be on your own for once. I agree this relationship would be exhausting. And I think you're not thinking about the future with her because you think spending the future with her would be spending every single moment of every day with her.

You need to tell her you need more space, more alone time. Say it to her calmly, that you've had one year of seeing each other every day, you need to be two seperate people in a relationship for it to work.

If she over- reacts i think she may have some issues she needs to work out. Maybe she has low self esteem.

So yeah, dont confuse falling out of love with - being over-suffocated and needing a break

Hi Op, I would like to retract what I said above, after reading that other thread you posted beforehand I have a clearer view on it. My current OH spent 2 and a half years with a girl like that. It took ages for her to leave him alone after they broke up. But it was worth it. She completely controlled his life. It got to the stage where, when we started goin out and he said he was meeting up and going drinking with friends and i naturally went - "ok, enjoy, cya!". His response was a) amazement b) telling me i was the best girlfriend ever, and that he couldnt believe I didnt mind.

That ex really conditioned him. I think you are a nice guy, and thats why she's walking all over you. The fact that she's 24 is really dodgy too, a guy her age would not put up with her. I think you need to look at other relationships and ask yourself if your one is normal in comparison

You're only 19, believe me, you will find a girl your age who will not treat you this way.

But at the same time I dont like the way the general answer in Boards to most relationship problems is " break up with him/her NOW"

So if you can't break up with her for whatever reason. just at least take your time, slowly stop putting up with her ****. When you go out with your friends, tell her what time you're going to be back at. and turn off your phone until then. One day you'll have the strength to leave.

Moomoo1

The main problem I see is that she wants to settle down and you clearly do not. So she wants to do all the 'couply' things like living in and settling into each other's routine and you want a degree of autonomy.

Plus, she's clearly been hurt in previous relationships and feels really insecure. In fact, I feel really sorry for her.

The first thing to do is make it clear to her that if she loves you then she needs to respect your wishes to have some time for yourself.

The second thing (having read the other thread) is make her realise once again that she is sawing the branch she is sitting on relationship-wise.

The best way to deal with controlling behaviour is to refuse to be controlled. Every monday morning (say) write down your plans for the week and do not deviate from that no matter what she says. There will be rows and tantrums, yes. But eventually there will be acceptance.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the input guys, but I don't feel there is any reason to talk to her anymore, I spent yesterday with her and didn't really feel I wanted to be there at any point. Whats worse is that tonight is our year anniversary, and she's expecting a big happy celebration, one that I'm not at all looking forward to as I don't want to lead her on anymore. Yet as I love her as a friend and don't want to be aweful I don't want to end it tonight and so close to our holiday as I know she is really really looking forward to it, but then again it's bad of me to be keeping it going and wasting her time. I'm so confused.

She's picking up on the fact that I never tell her I love her anymore, I can't really say it with meaning anymore, and she mentioned it the other day.

I think a good point I should mention is that I may have just gotten a new part time job to take me through my final year of college, meaning I can quit the job in which we work together and cut off most contact with her, making things easier for both of us..

LegacyUser

Hi tuba,
I posted on another thread with a similar situation and someone sent me this which I thought was good advice.

Other_side2 wrote: »

Hi OP. I am on the other side. My bf of 3 years broke up with me about 3 months ago. I know how hard this might be for you but likely is going to be even harder for your bf/gf. After some time I understand why he left but I will never forgive him cause of the way he did things so…I just would like to give you some advises on how to make things better than my ex and to make things easier for her/him:
1.Tell them immediately that things are not going well. The worst thing you can do is pretend that everything is fine and then leave all the sudden...I guess you are afraid of the other person’s reaction but he/she will appreciate with time if you are honest now.
2.Do NOT keep in touch, is going to be much harder to get over you. Delete them from FB, MSN, HI5…soon we will be living your life happily again and see photos of you with other people and having fun will not help them.
3.DO NOT contact them!!! In any case...no txt messages, no e-mails, no calls…they will keep hopping you change your mind…and you might only miss them (temporarily) or check on them (which is normal).
4.Tell them the true on how you feel and the reasons why you are leaving them, DON’T try to be nice or find stupid excuses…she/he will probably hate you for a while anyway, sorry but it is the true, nobody likes to be left just tell them how you feel…DO not tell her/him: you are an amazing woman/man, the problem is me…I love you but not that way...etc,etc,etc…to hear those things from the person you love hurts like hell.
5.BE SURE about your decision.
Sorry if I am so direct but I just hope I can help you to deal with this situation better. If you are honest you might be able to have her/him as a friend at some stage.

Oh The Humanity

She is totally smothering and controlling. I am not suprised you've come to the end of your tether.

Listen, it is never a good time tio break up with someone, so the sooner the better you let her know its not working for you.
I don't think she sounds the type of person who will take it well or in a grown up way.

Prepare BEFORE you drop the news on her. If I was you I would change your number before you break up with her and get any items you left at hers and drop off her stuff at hers BEFORE you tell her.

That way you can just give her the news and walk out without fear of her trying to manipulate you back.

The holiday, pain in the ass as it is, perhaps give her your ticket and tell her she can try changing it into a friends name or whatever. You can let her know you are sorry about doing it on the anniversary but you didn't want to lead her on anymore.
After that, get the hell out of there. Don't do it at your place as you might have trouble getting her to leave.

Just read the other thread and one thing that struck me is how considerate you are of her. Example you wanted to break up with her since April but did not do it on the eve of her driving test, same here you want to break up but are concerned its the first anniversary and don't want to upset her. YET, she fecked up your Christmas exams, alienated your friends and expects to be nursed through a hangover every Monday SHE caused herself and you are going along with it. Where is her consideration?

I think the fact that she has 5 years on you is significant. You talk about 'all hell breaking loose' and crying if she doesn't get her own way. I think she is taking advantage of you. Its your first relationship so the obvious can be hard to see.

Really, break up with her sooner rather than later. She has issues but you are not her Caped saviour! You only get one life and you need to make the most of your college opportunities not be the prisioner of some misguided, messed up girl.

LegacyUser

You guys say I should break up with her sooner rather than later yeah?

Does that mean I should do it as soon as possible, as in tonight on our year anniversary? Or should I wait til later in the week? Or should I wait until after our holidays on the 23rd to 31st of this month?

LegacyUser

I wouldnt do it on your anniversary. Wait a few days after but do it before the holiday. Id hate to be dumped on the anniversary. Maybe bring up your not feeling the best and leave early.

If she can take a mate away with her then she has a chance to reflect in a nice holiday environment and have fun with her friend. (Prob not much fun for her mate though!)

LegacyUser

about the holiday...the way we were going to do it was that i paid for the flights and she was paying for the hotel, it was all booked on my card under my name, with the flights paid up in full and the hotel not yet paid. i don't know if its an option to give her the flights and hotel...

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I wouldnt do it on your anniversary. Wait a few days after but do it before the holiday. Id hate to be dumped on the anniversary. Maybe bring up your not feeling the best and leave early.

If she can take a mate away with her then she has a chance to reflect in a nice holiday environment and have fun with her friend. (Prob not much fun for her mate though!)

also i forgot to say that she will most likely be staying in my house after we go out aswel

Gyalist

It's possible to find valid reasons every day for not making important decisions. Today will be because of the anniversary, tomorrow because you don't want to ruin her weekend, etc. You've been thinking about this for five months now - it's time to piss or get off the pot.

Oh The Humanity

tuba wrote: »

You guys say I should break up with her sooner rather than later yeah?

Does that mean I should do it as soon as possible, as in tonight on our year anniversary? Or should I wait til later in the week? Or should I wait until after our holidays on the 23rd to 31st of this month?

Tonight if possible. Don't delay any further.

It will always be something. I know its something you would probably love to put off but the more you honour things like Anniversaries, Birthdays, holidays etc the more committed she will think ye are!

Any sign of the other job yet, does she have any stuff of yours? Get it back first. You can leave her stuff in work for her, neutral territory!

LegacyUser

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Tonight if possible. Don't delay any further.

It will always be something. I know its something you would probably love to put off but the more you honour things like Anniversaries, Birthdays, holidays etc the more committed she will think ye are!

Any sign of the other job yet, does she have any stuff of yours? Get it back first. You can leave her stuff in work for her, neutral territory!

I suppose you're dead right, no point in leading her on any further. I usually text her 'nite, love you' every night, didnt do it last night and she rang me from work just there asking me to work tomorrow morning, and not in the nicest tone of voice, can tell she's angry, so what better time to break the news:o

I had the interview this morning and am waiting to hear back from them, but the manager there used to be a manager where i work now, and he asked me to apply for the job. interview went really well and they are very short of part time staff so i guess theres a good chance i will have it.

I have nothing belonging to her, she has a few of my dvd's but i don't really want the hassle of getting them back, they were only cheap ones anyway.

Oh The Humanity

tuba wrote: »

I suppose you're dead right, no point in leading her on any further. I usually text her 'nite, love you' every night, didnt do it last night and she rang me from work just there asking me to work tomorrow morning, and not in the nicest tone of voice, can tell she's angry, so what better time to break the news:o

Yikes! It will be unpleasant but best to get it over with.......short term pain that will give you your freedom back! It will be worth it after the dust settles.

Be prepared for her to rant and rave and probably say some hurtful and untrue things. Might do this in order to try to engage you in discussion and to manipulate you into staying with her.........keep strong and stick to your plan!

tuba wrote: »

I had the interview this morning and am waiting to hear back from them, but the manager there used to be a manager where i work now, and he asked me to apply for the job. interview went really well and they are very short of part time staff so i guess theres a good chance i will have it.

Ohh! The very best of luck!

LegacyUser

Well it's over.

It was possibly the most horrible position ever to be in, was told some very hurtful things, but i guess its to be expected. I feel rotten now, but maybe when the dust settles we might be able to talk it thru. The next few weeks are going to be tough in work, but hopefully i get this new job and out of her way.

Thanks for the advice and help

muboop1

tuba wrote: »

Well it's over.

It was possibly the most horrible position ever to be in, was told some very hurtful things, but i guess its to be expected. I feel rotten now, but maybe when the dust settles we might be able to talk it thru. The next few weeks are going to be tough in work, but hopefully i get this new job and out of her way.

Thanks for the advice and help

Let her hate you, in fact let her talk to you first again...

She may need her space. Just be careful what is said in front of her in work etc... last thing she needs for next while is any new conquests or whatever to get back to her, or for her to think you feel no remorse, better she hasn't a clue what you think...

My guess is, if your fine she will think your a prick, if your not fine, your a prick for breaking up with her as you care for her or something... Shes fully entitled to be irrational at the moment!

At least you done the right thing, and now you can go on enjoying your life!

And so can she, she deserves someone who wants and feels exactly as she does...

And you deserve someone you can feel that way about to...

Now my good man... get out there and enjoy yourself!

LegacyUser

Is it a hugely bad idea to text her and say sorry?

Like it was probably not the best time to do it, on our anniversary, and i probably went about it the wrong way, i'm not sure.

shellyboo

Don't text her, leave her alone! You apologising is just going to piss her off further. Leave her, don't contact her.

muboop1

tuba wrote: »

Is it a hugely bad idea to text her and say sorry?

Like it was probably not the best time to do it, on our anniversary, and i probably went about it the wrong way, i'm not sure.

I don't know her tbh...

But im sure you have already said sorry!

You prob want to keep her as a friend etc... but...

Dude, its really up to her on all this now..

She loves you, you don't love her(that way)

You prob still care, and feel sorry but... but no i think its a bad idea!

If an ex i loved done that to me i'd be in bits...

Showing a nice caring side n all that... pretty much why i love them!

I wouldn't rather hate them... but at same time i would! Or i'd want to... make things easier...

Just give her some time, let her initiate contact, if it has to be initiated, she might not want to...

Oh The Humanity

Well done, that was hard but you have to break eggs to make omelettes.

I knew she would say some horrible things. That is attacking as a form of defence, plus we already know she is controlling. Its a predictable tactic controlling type people use on sensitive type people. Because they know the one thing that will kill you is the thought that you behaved badly or unfairly in some way.

By saying bad stuff to you she is manipulating you with guilt.

You will be feeling wobbly anyway and these things she said will now be running through your head and you might wonder if you made the right decision.

DO not text her telling her you are sorry about the timing. It sounds like this girl has had it all revolving around her and her convenience in the relationship and so she will have DELIBERATELY made it always awkward for you to break up at a good time! See? Cos its never a good time for her......thats not a co-incidence! Its a quite deliberate control tactic!

This is the worst bit! Ok, you have to go through this and not be a soft lad and wobble or else you will be right back into her clutches! I know she will play on your pity strings and guilt strings. You need to be hard and ignore that.

Its also pretty possible she will do a little poisoning to a few mutual friends and aqaintences. Try not to let this wind you up. You really will have to ignore it.

Remember this, as bad as this feels now, if you had continued with her things would have only got worse....for YOU. You were not enjoying it and she was totally controlling you.

You're out !!! Now stay out!!!

Congratulations and welcome to the rest of your life! :pac:

LegacyUser

Thanks again guys

The reprecussions have begun, she just rang me there arguing with me, looking for reasons why i broke up with her and telling me i was making up different stories when i first called to her earlier and am confused. It didn't help that I have been lying for the last while trying to delay this day and hide how i have been feeling. I probably shouldn't have answered my phone when i saw her number in the first place. I wish this week would end

Sephiroth_dude

Just leave her be,dont contact her.hope you get the new job.

Gyalist

Congratulations on finally doing what you knew in your heart was the right thing to do.

Don't contact her or answer her if she calls/texts you. You'll have to be firm with this.

In a few days you'll start to feel better and probably wonder why you didn't end it much sooner.

LegacyUser

Since i called over to her and ended it earlier i've gotten about 4 phonecalls which basically consisted of her trying to either guilt me or bully me into changing my mind and its really getting to me.

She was telling me stuff like i'm a lying piece of sh1t, and she hopes i meet a girl and she treats me exactly as i treated her, or that i am alone for the rest of my life. she also told me i'm not mentally right if i just turned around and came out of nowhere saying this stuff on the day of our anniversary and the week before our holidays, and that if my mam thinks i was right then she's not mentally stable either and we all need to see someone for help. also that she was going to spread stuff about me in work that will have everyone hate me, and its lucky that one of the girls has a big mouth so all of ashbourne will soon know.

she then went on trying to get to the bottom of me always bottling how i feel up inside and why i never really talk to my parents, which led to a lot of tears on my part as she's the only person i've ever told about my brothers mental illness and how i deal with it by not talking to anyone, and letting me go and talk to my mam.

she then rang me again to go back to the way she initially was and told me she never wants to see me again.

this is understandable, but i'm really getting upset about what sort of stuff she will say to the people i work with, sure i'll be leaving soon, but she has a huge influence on a lot of them and i still see them as friends, but now have to forget about them. i'm also worried about management where i work now getting wind of my interview in the new job from her, and them reacting badly and un professionally as they commonly do. i have to work the same shifts as her for the next 4 days...how do i stop myself from walking out

Booswig

I am battling with the same problem, only difference is that I married my wife. As we are going through a bad patch now, I have selected to try and sort what made me tick about her in the first place. If interested you can see my progress at: http://30daysofthoughts.blogspot.com/

It is not much yet, but this is only day 4, and I will only write down my thoughts tonight. What, I yet do not know:P

LegacyUser

OP dont answer any more of her calls as you are only giving her ammunition. On the first day you have to work together, as hard as it will be, take her to one side & say regardless of what is happening between you that you need to work together in a professional manner. How soon will you find about the new job? Could you ring them just to tell them that you are still really interested & see what they have to say?

shellyboo

Alright, OP... time to stop this. Stop letting her make you feel like shlt. She did it while you were with her, why the hell are you still letting her?

Life is too short to put up with nasty, horrible, people. Why are you allowing such negativity into your life? STOP talking to her. Do not answer her calls, do not allow her to get to you. Rise above it.

If you are cool, calm and collected while she bad mouths you all over town, who do you think is going to come off looking worse? Her. She's going to look like a bitter hurful cow. So be the bigger person, rise above it and stop letting her play with you. Because that's what you're doing.

Oh The Humanity

OP, Read back on my posts.
Everything she is doing is so predictable, threatening you, badmouthing you, basically BAITING you!

This is a process you will have to go through. STOP reacting to it, thats what she wants!

I told you she would badmouth you, bait you with untrue accusations and guilt trip you.

These are the only 'tools' controllers (bullies) think they have. An arsenal of dirty tricks.

This is uncomfortable for you, you are going to have to grit your teeth and suffer the discomfort OR let her get her way and go back with her and live in hell again.

You are going to have to toughen up here for the next 4 days. Forget about her psycho claims and rumours she is going to spread. as Shellyboo says who do you think people are going to believe?

Her who is a psycho
or
You who behaves with a bit of dignity

People are not fools, they can see whats what, we could all see by a few words you wrote here on a boards thread so your colleagues and friends can see how it is believe me.

So come on, stop letting her manipulate you. Get out and about and distract yourself with other things. People will take their cue from your attitude. Don't skulk around as if you have done something wrong.

Stand up straight, set the record straight with people who ask. Keep your sense of humor. Stop playing that tape in your head of what 'she said'

'She' is nothing but a bully. Edit her out of your life.

Please let us know if you got the job.

shellyboo

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

who do you think people are going to believe?

Her who is a psycho
or
You who behaves with a bit of dignity

People are not fools, they can see whats what, we could all see by a few words you wrote here on a boards thread so your colleagues and friends can see how it is believe me.

So come on, stop letting her manipulate you. Get out and about and distract yourself with other things. People will take their cue from your attitude. Don't skulk around as if you have done something wrong.

This is so spot on. Read this and absorb it OP. You create your own reality. Act like you were in the right and you've done nothing wrong - because you ARE in the right and you DIDN'T do anything wrong. People will follow your lead.