Knowing her past

LegacyUser

I know this isn't the most serious of 'problems' but it has been bugging me of late. Currently in a relationship with this girl who is more experienced than me in the bedroom - I was a virgin until I met her. But for some bizarre and bloody annoying reason, I can't help but ask about her past and then I can't stop thinking about it once I hear some of the details. It leaves me a little bit sick thinking of her having sex with other men but I know it shouldn't matter as it all happened before we met. It's annoying me as I know it's silly to think like this but yet I can't help it?

Our relationship is fantastic and I couldn't have met a nicer girl, so why am I torturing myself by thinking like this? Do you think me being a virgin before doesn't help things?

Thanks

ManOfMystery

Welcome to the club!

I think most people have felt like this at some stage when they have a partner they're crazy about who has a coloured past - I know I have. I even posted a thread like this a while back when I was getting tortured with thoughts of my gf and her exes. I eventually learnt to ignore these, even though they still sometimes creep into my head. It takes effort and takes time, but you just have to put these thoughts to the back of your mind and concentrate on the here and now. She wasn't locked in a castle for years waiting for you to come along - it's 2009 and she was simply living her life as adults do nowadays. The important thing is, she is with YOU now and you're her focus. No matter who she was with in the past, they're no longer in her life for whatever reasons - but you are. So just enjoy it and let these thoughts go.

I realised I was focusing too much on the sex issue and there are so many other facets of relationships - your ability to communicate, having fun and laughter, trust, intimacy, etc. She told me herself that she didn't get many of these other things from exes but got them from me, and as a result, we felt closer and our physical relationship was better than anyone we'd been with. Focus on those things and the rest will work itself out

Blazer

Why do people keep breaking the golden rule..."do not ask about previous relationships".
The person invariable asking it is always insecure and claims that it won't bother them which is bull****.
Op..it sounds like you have a lovely girlfriend...you need to get over her past and put it out of your mind..I suggest instead of looking at her past..look at your future together.

LegacyUser

I am like this, I remember at the start of our relationship, he made a few comments about what he did in his past and I couldn't help picking the scab and going deeper and deeper into it and whatever else he did and it is the biggest regret in my relationship so far because now I can't see past it and I asked for the gory details and didn't like what I heard. He did things in the past which weren't exactly complimentary to him as a person and now I convince myself that is who he is because of what he did when he was younger. It has tainted my view of him even though before I knew, I thought he was the most genuine wonderful man.

We have to remember they didn't know us then, they aren't going to put their life on hold in case they met us! He knows hardly anything about my past and he wants to keep it that way.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. Have you got a link to that thread ManOfMystery? I had a look for it but couldn't find it. (Mod note: Personal Issues has limited search function to protect poster anonymity. Please do not link to threads in Personal Issues)

It's just the thoughts of the intimate act that is torturing me at the moment, I just can't get it out of my head.

herya

Sc@recrow wrote: »

Why do people keep breaking the golden rule..."do not ask about previous relationships".

Who and when made it the golden rule?
I'd rather recommend not asking if you know you can't handle the truth. If you can and want to know your partner better ask away.

Blazer

herya wrote: »

Who and when made it the golden rule?
I'd rather recommend not asking if you know you can't handle the truth. If you can and want to know your partner better ask away.

well that's basically what I did say

Liam Byrne

Is that famous quote from "A Few Good Men" apt, I wonder ?

Actually, if it's from a film of that title, it might be more than apt!!!

But seriously "I picked up this little trick from real life" is more appealing than "I read this in Cosmo", or "I saw this in a porn film once"....

We all learn from experience and mistakes; from asking someone out to the more intimate stuff....

It shouldn't need to be asked.

Oh The Humanity

Nothing good ever comes from talking about ex's in the bedroom.

OP leave it well enough alone. Seriously. Live in the moment.

You need to put this fixation out of your head. She is with you now because she has chosen to be.

The past is gone, doesn't matter any more.

herya

Sc@recrow wrote: »

well that's basically what I did say

No you said never ask - but it's an offtopic anyway

milod

Unregistered wrote: »

... It leaves me a little bit sick thinking of her having sex with other men ...

OP, you need to get over the Madonna/Whore complex you seem to have around women. It's no good simply telling yourself that it's silly to be worried about this. You have to convince yourself that it's silly. The issue here is not your lack of experience, but your deeply ingrained belief that it is somehow wrong for your partner to have had sex with other men.

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Nothing good ever comes from talking about ex's in the bedroom...

This is true only if you can't handle the simple truth. Women are allowed to enjoy sex too. And there will always be someone with a bigger penis than yours. Until you can genuinely accept that the enjoyment of sex is normal and healthy, you'll struggle to treat a woman as an equal...

CDfm

OP - just don't think about it and don't ask questions. Everyone has a sensitive spot and thats yours.

You should just enjoy it and if she is as nice as you say you are one lucky hombre.:)

AckwelFoley

Unregistered wrote: »

I know this isn't the most serious of 'problems' but it has been bugging me of late. Currently in a relationship with this girl who is more experienced than me in the bedroom - I was a virgin until I met her. But for some bizarre and bloody annoying reason, I can't help but ask about her past and then I can't stop thinking about it once I hear some of the details. It leaves me a little bit sick thinking of her having sex with other men but I know it shouldn't matter as it all happened before we met. It's annoying me as I know it's silly to think like this but yet I can't help it?

Our relationship is fantastic and I couldn't have met a nicer girl, so why am I torturing myself by thinking like this? Do you think me being a virgin before doesn't help things?

Thanks

I can confirm you are a man. Congrats

Im not going to speak for all men, but i dont know a single guy that thinks fondly of his girlfriend having sex with other men, past, present or in the future.

You do need however to get this stuff out of your head, i promise it will make you paraniod and jealous for no appropriate reason and its a not a nice trait in someone.

Congrats on losing the virginity too. I hope it was better than my experience.