Online dating...is this the norm?

LegacyUser

Ok well just looking for a few opinions on this..any advice would be welcome.
Been trying the online dating thing for a few months..out of the single scene for 15+years so big step for me..anyhow long story short met up with a guy from a site, we got on well for a few weeks and things were going well(or so I thought)..then he brings up his EX and how she now wants him back (they have kids) , I am long over mine and have moved on,but I respect that new guy may still want to reconcile with his so I tell him that I will back off completely and let him think about what he's doing with the EX.
I tell him I do not want to get involved with him til he's ready as I don't want to get hurt..he tells me that he still wants to see me but I say no as I am afraid of being hurt.

A week later I am bombarded with texts from him saying he wants to talk to me.......so
we meet up and things get very passionate after time apart and we both seem happy.
He goes away with do a job to Ex's hometown & texts me a few times and I notice the texts are a bit distant, so I text him asking what's going on, and tell him I want the honest truth and that after a point we have to decide if we are "exclusive" or just casual.
The texts come back vague just all about work so I leave it alone. But then comes the bank holiday weekend and no plans have been made to meet up, and as far as I know he is still away.. then on this Tuesday I decide to text him and ask him if all is ok? He texts back that he's been busy but been thinking and "he's not ready for a commitment"..well I tell him that it's good he's been honest and that I was ok with it but would be dating others.

He gets all lovey in his texts saying he will be back home next week, finishing his job up the country and will be in contact when he gets back and sends xxx (these had been absent recently)
Now another person I have been met off the site wants me to go out with him to a concert(we have met 2 times)....my head is wrecked I feel like a fool but I know Guy no.1 never made promises, I just feel sorta used or something, and a bit down.

Has anyone any advice? I should add that I have very little experience with men, was with my first fella for 20years until recent times......I feel really lost. HELP!!


I know

Liam Byrne

Unregistered wrote: »

Now another person I have been met off the site wants me to go out with him to a concert(we have met 2 times)....my head is wrecked I feel like a fool but I know Guy no.1 never made promises, I just feel sorta used or something, and a bit down.

No, he didn't make any promises, but he is wrecking your head. So forget about him.

I don't know the rules of this online dating thing (some people seem to just want to meet as many people as possible for dates and one-night stands), others want husbands/wives from the off, while others are OK if they meet someone where there's "possibilities".

But there's absolutely no point in knowingly heading into a headwreck when there are LOADS of other options.

If ye'd gotten on well and there was no headwreck, I'd say meet Guy #1 again and see how it goes.

But with the headwreck and the games crap, I'd say go on the second date and see how you get on; it could be just as good without the headwreck, or maybe even better.

Like you said - there were no promises - from EITHER of you. He had a chance but confused the bejaysus out of you - so move on.

LegacyUser

Thanks, I know I come across as stupid but I feel like a kid I have such limited experience.
It helps for someone else to point it out..it has been going round and round in my head and I keep wondering what I could've done differently....keep thinking if I hadn't asked him about being exclusive I wouldn't have scared him off?
It was just that after several weeks I was beginning to wonder, and since I work in a health related field I was worried too as he did not want to use a condom(sorry if tmi!)..maybe I did the wrong thing and should have asked further down the line?

Liam Byrne

Unregistered wrote: »

keep thinking if I hadn't asked him about being exclusive I wouldn't have scared him off?

You never know what puts someone off.

TBH, that serious a discussion shouldn't even have arisen after "a few weeks"; someone might hope / want to view it as "exclusive", but thinking that and saying it out loud are two different things.

But HIS actions re the ex - and his comment about "he's not ready for a commitment" forced the issue; ffs what does a "commitment" mean after a few weeks, anyways ? It should be "yup, would love to meet next week and have fun again" - nothing more, nothing less.

If someone's that easily put off, you don't need them around. Likewise, if someone was declaring undying love after a few weeks, you could do without that too.

But in the early days and a few meetings it should be about having fun, getting to know each other, and maybe finding your own balance between flirting / "being comfortable" and relaxing / feeling "frisky"....

Anything else at that stage - including the extremes of "I love you" or "I'm not sure" - is WAY OTT and presumptious and is a warning sign.

See if you have fun with guy #2.....you could be pleasantly surprised!

LegacyUser

Hi OP again here,thanks again..... yep I can see it was early to be having the "exclusive" talk....however in my defense we had met up at least 12 times stayed over, become intimate etc.
I think if we had kept on meeting up every few days I would not have brought it up..but it's too late now!
I would be interested to know when most people bring up the "exclusive" discussion?
Also if he contacts me again should I run a mile?

Liam Byrne

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi OP again here,thanks again..... yep I can see it was early to be having the "exclusive" talk....however in my defense we had met up at least 12 times stayed over, become intimate etc.

Some people are intimate on the first date, some on the second or third; unfortunately, it gives you absolutely no idea of their true intentions. Sorry!

Unregistered wrote: »

I think if we had kept on meeting up every few days I would not have brought it up..but it's too late now!

Again, with some people meeting once a week or a fortnight would be plenty, as long as they knew someone was interested in meeting again.

But I'm not judging; as with many cases, bringing up an ex or saying "not ready" muddies the water on you COMPLETELY and throws the rules into confusion; that's not your fault, as in general exes shouldn't even be mentioned, and "I'm not ready for this" throws the whole thing WIDE open for someone to justifiably say "why not ? What's the story ?".

So forgive me if I made it appear like you were at fault. That was not my intention.

Unregistered wrote: »

I would be interested to know when most people bring up the "exclusive" discussion?

I'd like to think that it never needs to be brought up, but that's just me. If something progresses naturally, I for one would be with one person and one person only, for whatever duration that lasts, be it a week, a month or a year, and if someone else catches my eye in a serious way, I'll end what's there if needs be and act on that then and only then.

But the rules appear to have changed, with someone going on a date on a Friday and going on another one with someone else on a Saturday.

So I'm FAR from an expert on that angle, I'm afraid; would love to help you figure that out, but since I haven't a clue and am apparently different to everyone else on the planet, I can't answer that for you.

Unregistered wrote: »

Also if he contacts me again should I run a mile?

I would say so; at least for the moment until his actions are consistent with wanting something, whether that's dating, casual or exclusive.

Best of luck!

ladhrann

Unregistered wrote: »

Thanks, I know I come across as stupid but I feel like a kid I have such limited experience.
It helps for someone else to point it out..it has been going round and round in my head and I keep wondering what I could've done differently....keep thinking if I hadn't asked him about being exclusive I wouldn't have scared him off?
It was just that after several weeks I was beginning to wonder, and since I work in a health related field I was worried too as he did not want to use a condom(sorry if tmi!)..maybe I did the wrong thing and should have asked further down the line?

I don't think personally that this has anything to do with online dating or the like. This character is just a tool full stop. It is also very bad manners indeed as far as I'm concerned to bring up an ex with someone that you're seeing. Its the ultimate contraceptive.

Speaking of which, its also extremely selfish, never mind dangerous for someone to insist on not using a condom. Please make sure you get tested just in case, this guy obviously treated this as a casual relationship.

LegacyUser

read your post and I just had to reply. You gotta go on other dates, basically unless you have that exclusive conversation and this guy is willing to make a commitment to you (ie boyfriend girlfriend scenario) then basically you are a free agent. I made this mistake myself many times waiting around for the guy to say he wants to be exclusive, the truth is if he wants you he will make it known, otherwise he is just stringing you along because he doesn't want to feel like he has noone or he is just keeping his options open. Honestly you might meet another guy on your dating site that you like as much or even more and he may want to make that commitment to you and you shouldnt miss out on that opportunity waiting for some guy to see sense!!

Splendour

Unregistered wrote: »

Also if he contacts me again should I run a mile?

I would say definitely yes!

Are you sure he's not still married OP? Have to say from reading your post I got this impression from his behaviour. Course he could just be keeping his options open but either way, I'd run! Forget about him and go and have some fun with the other guy-and be careful!

LegacyUser

I was thinking the same thing - are you sure he's not married OP?

I did a bit of that online dating but gave it up, as it really knocked my confidence. I think you have to be EXTREMELY confident not to feel rejected when you've texted/emailed someone for a while..everything seems fine...then you meet..and they don't contact you again!
I only ask about him being married becoz I met a guy a few weeks ago and we had 3 dates...got a bit intimate, but not sex. Kept saying he had to get up for work the next morning so didn't want to stay over (not that I invited him, mind you!) or go onto a club...we had planned on a fourth date until I met him in the supermarket, doing his shopping, with his wife and baby!!!!! I felt so embarrassed! Looking back, I shouldn't have felt embarrassed at all but at the time I did (and yes, she was his wife and that was his child!)..
anyway, dating is dating and I don't think there are any 'rules' about the online stuff..

LegacyUser

Hi OP here,
Thanks for the help.have thought about it and am starting to get a very feeling.
Firstly the first time I stayed at his place we slept in til noon next day(saturday) and he freaked, said he had to go to work and almost panickily dropped me off..TBH I thought he had 2nd thought about seeing me and I felt like a parcel. Later that first saturday he texted apologising said he was badly hungover. He texted a lot the following weeks but we always met up in the middle ofthe week as he had a job up the country, or was going up the country to see his kid.
I noticed he had a claddagh ring on his left hand the first time I met him...he saw me looking at it and the next time he had on different rings on the left hand....
The only time I met him on a saturday night was the last time, and again he had somewhere to be on the sunday, a match he said.
Also his phone was switched off last weekend, but I only tried it once...every single contact made was almost always by him and by text.
Now I am freaking out....he had got more loving towards me, but kept saying I was bad for him...I thought he was joking. He knew I have very little sexual experience ..and now I am really upset.

LegacyUser

Meant to say "starting to get a very bad feeling" in first line ..oops

ergo

hey OP,

it all sounds really suspicious regarding the first guy

and in this day and age I'd be very wary of guys who wouldn't want to use a condom - ok so ye had met up quite a few times (you mentioned 12 times) but still - who else has he insisted on not wearing a condom with..?

things have changed and it is becoming more common for people to have dates with different people on different nights but I think after meeting so many times it wasn't unreasonable to have the "exclusive" conversation

see what happens with the second guy......and best of luck...maybe first guy isn't married and maybe something else is going on but does look a bit dodgy....

in general I am sure you can meet lots of nice guys on the net but I suppose a lot of married guys etc who couldn't exactly go off out to nightclubs looking for some action do use internet dating for that too

LegacyUser

Thanks Ergo and the others for your replies, I took everyone's advice and went out with the other fella and we had a ball!
I don't want to jinx things by saying to much and am keeping an open mind for now.

I think I was just way too innocent for the first guy, and I think he would have stung me along if I had let him. I am holding off getting intimate with anyone I date,at least til I get to know them better....I just feel like that confused things with first guy and I think I was stupid not to wait til I knew if we were exclusive. I may sound old fashioned but I am still a 1980s girl at heart!
Be interested to know what the norm is for getting intimate for most people? Am having some shocking suggestions from some of the men on the sites....feel really really out of depth TBH.
Thanks everyone x

Liam Byrne

Unregistered wrote: »

I took everyone's advice and went out with the other fella and we had a ball!

Delighted to hear it! It's reassuring to know that there are decent folk out there, even in the arena of inline dating!

Unregistered wrote: »

I am holding off getting intimate with anyone I date,at least til I get to know them better....I just feel like that confused things with first guy and I think I was stupid not to wait til I knew if we were exclusive. I may sound old fashioned but I am still a 1980s girl at heart!

Nothing wrong with that, particularly as some people seem to go on different dates different nights, even if they like someone :rolleyes:; while intimacy is an important part of a relationship, waiting - for a while at least - is definitely the best option until you're sure that you want to meet someone a good few times to see how things go, and you're sure they want the same. You've seen this already, where someone was on the dating site "looking for someone geniune", and yet they were seemingly only there to get over their ex and make a conquest so that they could move on themselves.

Unregistered wrote: »

Be interested to know what the norm is for getting intimate for most people?

It doesn't matter; the "norm" for you + whoever is your own. If everyone else was shagging the first night and then not meeting up again, would you do the same, because it was the norm ? I don't think so. So don't even ask what their "norm" is - find your own in your own time, naturally.

Best of luck!