Don't know how to cope

merlie · 06-08-2009 5:48pm #1

I am really hurting from the devastating news my long term boyfriend told me today. He broke with me. He said he still wants up to be friends, but he wants to see other girls and I honestly dont know how I can cope with this. He also said if I was to visit him, then I would have to stay in a hotel or something, which is something I have never done, I always stayed at him house. When I asked him can I come over in the next few weeks, he replied, 'No, I'm sorry I can't'.

He and I have been together since 2005 and although he lives in England, we tried to get to see each other as often as possible. He has cut me off without even giving us a chance even if it was the smallest to rescue our relationship. I have always been faithful and loyal to him and he has said he was too. We have had our ups and downs as does eveyone else.

The worse thing too is that he was so like me in lots of ways all the interests we had and he even opened up new ideas and things to me that I have never even considered. And now all they do is serve as a painful reminder of him. I even have a lot of things about my house that he gave me and photos of me and him on holiday and it so hurtful when I think of all that has been with me and him and how much I loved him and how much I thought he cared and loved me.

I am sorry about my grammer but I am typing this while crying and it is hard to take time to correct it.

I want to know how I can get through this when he has been such a big part of my life for all those years, my everyday with loads of texts and calls which are all gone now. Up to a couple of weeks ago it had been mostly me texting and calling him but I paid no mind to it cos everything seemed fine.

I really do need to get through this but I am feeling such a mess now and probably not thinking straight. I have text him and told him how I am feeling but have had no reply.

Please only helpful replies.

Thanks

AARRRGH · 06-08-2009 6:29pm

Keep yourself busy, e.g. join a human rights organisation.

Break all contact with your ex-partner, including getting rid anything which reminds you of him.

Make new friends and spend more time with existing friends.

...

If you do the above, time will take care of the bad emotions. Next month you'll feel slightly better, and then the next month, and so on and so on until you're back to normal.

tinkerbell · 06-08-2009 6:44pm

I'm so sorry you're going through this

The best thing you can do is cut all contact with him for at least a few months and get rid of all stuff that reminds you of him. If you don't cut contact with him, you will never get over him. Just keep yourself busy, that's all you can do.

Chin up, the first few months will be tough, but after a while you will be completely over him and you'll meet someone amazing.

merlie · 06-08-2009 9:24pm

Thank you so much for your replies. I have been so upset today that I have not time or energy to eat. It has really gotten to me.

He had told me to text him what I was doing and I did but nothing came back. I guess I am just hoping that he may change his mind, but then again he has hurt me by what he has done, I don't know if I will ever get past it to feel ok.

He had wanted a long term relationship which was what I wanted too and he had a lot of wonderful qualities I was looking for in a partner. We had talked about me moving across to be with him and even having children.

It is gut wrenching for me and I dont know if I can get over this but I need to do and have something positive that I dont sit about thinking of him or being reminded of him, as reminders are in my house as I said in my first post, but there are a lot of other things like songs. movies etc that have the same effect.

LegacyUser · 06-08-2009 9:50pm

Merlie, I have some sense of the pain and hurt you are feeling right now after the devastating day you've had. I went through something quite similar a short while ago. Sadly there's no easy painless way past this point. You will be wracked with emotions and conflicts and shock. Maybe you wont know which way is up for a while.
It might be hard for you to see it now when the hurt is at the rawest but it wont always be like this.
When breaking up with me, my ex also wanted us to still be friends. Pretty soon I figured that he had disengaged with me, physically, emotionally, mentally, and for dignity and self preservation I had to do the same. The only way to go was to cut out contact completely. No texts, no calls, no visits, no meetings, no nothin.
With the complete tornado of thoughts and feelings and memories going round in your head, it will be rough at times. You really have to be thinking about you from now on, putting yourself first, concentrate on you. It should be all about you for the next few weeks.

Sephiroth_dude · 06-08-2009 10:41pm

Cut all contact with him,as much as its gonna hurt its the only way to move forward,keep yourself busy,get out there meet new people,easier said than done I know and make sure your talk to your friends about it.
best of luck op.

narac · 07-08-2009 1:15pm

Yep, cut all contact with him. That's exactly what he's doing with you, because it's the easiest way to get over the break up. So, you should do it too, because it will make it easier for the two of you!

LegacyUser · 07-08-2009 1:27pm

Cut all contact with him.

He is only asking you to let him know what you're doing to ease his own guilt. He's feeling guilty because he didn't give you a proper reason, and he knows it, and by saying that if you come over, you have to stay in a hotel etc, he's just trying to make himself feel better.

The reality OP is that he's finished with you. He doesn't really want you to text him to tell him what you're doing. He doesn't really want you to come over. Perhaps he's met someone else a while ago when all the contact was coming from you??

It's going to be hard for your, but take ther other posters advice and keep yourself busy.

I went through something similar about 2yrs ago. I held out some hope because my ex said he still wanted us to be friends, he just didn't want to be with me anymore. So for a whole year, I texted or mailed him here and there - he did reply the odd time, but nothing much. Turns out he was seeing someone else for that whole year and I wasted all that time, hoping that some part of him would come back to me.

Take care of yourself OP and in time, you'll meet someone who deserves you!

cat_rant · 07-08-2009 2:59pm

Hi OP

God I can only imagine what you must feel? I am so sorry to read this...
But everyone here is right, break contact, cry it all out and when the pain has resided somewhat start the plans to move on. It's going to be hard, but you can do it.

I think you could do with a smile so here are some things that will be possitive from the break up.

#1 - As you grieving break up, many people lose weight during the process, you can look forward to a trimmer slinkier you.

#2 - You will have more money in your pocket so instead of jetting back and forth to the UK you will have more money to spend on that trimmer slinkier you.

#3 - You will have a smaller phone bill with the reduction of international calls

#4 - You can use the saving to pamper yourself into recovery with perhaps a spa day.

#5 - This is an opertunity to redecorate in the house as you remove items that are reminders ( Shopping trip!)

#6- Every thought of something you might be interested in but never got around to it? Boards can hook you up! Drama we got our own club! Art we have a forumn! Games we got that too? Nights out - Boards got that covered..... Support Boards has that too.

#7 - You sound like a lovely person and in time you might be able to look back and see the good things from this relationship and smile. I know there are other people in your life who must love you. Use that strength to get you through this tough time

07-08-2009 3:25pm

cat_rant wrote: »

Hi OP

God I can only imagine what you must feel? I am so sorry to read this...
But everyone here is right, break contact, cry it all out and when the pain has resided somewhat start the plans to move on. It's going to be hard, but you can do it.

I think you could do with a smile so here are some things that will be possitive from the break up.

#1 - As you grieving break up, many people lose weight during the process, you can look forward to a trimmer slinkier you.

#2 - You will have more money in your pocket so instead of jetting back and forth to the UK you will have more money to spend on that trimmer slinkier you.

#3 - You will have a smaller phone bill with the reduction of international calls

#4 - You can use the saving to pamper yourself into recovery with perhaps a spa day.

#5 - This is an opertunity to redecorate in the house as you remove items that are reminders ( Shopping trip!)

#6- Every thought of something you might be interested in but never got around to it? Boards can hook you up! Drama we got our own club! Art we have a forumn! Games we got that too? Nights out - Boards got that covered..... Support Boards has that too.

#7 - You sound like a lovely person and in time you might be able to look back and see the good things from this relationship and smile. I know there are other people in your life who must love you. Use that strength to get you through this tough time

I love this post. It reminds me of when I was dumped before Christmas years ago, sitting alone in my room crying when my sister came in and said (with a mischievous grin) "well that's one less Christmas present to worry about"

OP, there is nothing you can do but your best to move on ... just know that you'll get there. Good luck.

merlie · 08-08-2009 1:17pm

Thank you for all your replies especially Cat_Rant for the idea list.
It made me smile through my tears.

I have heard from him and he is going about as if things never happened. He comes across as being happy and said he is going out for a walk as the weather is great over there. He still wants me to his friend.

But I have thought over this.

If say, what if he meets someone else and they get on and then she finds out that he is still in contact with me ( now his ex

which is something I thought that would never happen ) isn't that going to complicate things for her? Even though I know he would say that there is nothing between us and that he will never go out with me again and we are only friends would that not make her feel suspicious and feel insecure? I know if it was me and the boot was on the other foot, then I would most certainly be a bit mistrusting and worried cos they would have had history together.

I have not had a good day today and am still going through random bouts of crying, some bad it has made me sick. I have not noticed much of the passing of time and am not eating much.

The fact that all I am now is a friend to him is really hard to take because I have to pretend like we have never loved each other and it is really hurtful to do this.

The worse thing for me I think is that he has enveloped my life so much since 2004, when I first met him and we starting going out in 2005, that this is all going to be really tough to get through. I had met his family and they are all lovely people, very warm, loving and caring and welcoming. I felt part of his family. Now I won't be able to contact them any more as it is something he does not wish me to do, and I think its cos he wants the coast clear for the next person he will date.

I am so hurt by it all and want make the necessary steps to feel better, but it is really difficult.

Sephiroth_dude · 08-08-2009 2:48pm

merlie wrote: »

.

He still wants me to his friend.

Dont bother being his friend right now,it mite only give false hope down the line and susposing he starts seeing someone else,you'll only get hurt,its not worth it,I know you guys had been together for a long time and were probbly through a lot but right now you need space away from him and time to get over him.

Queencake · 08-08-2009 3:39pm

Don't be his friend. It will only make things a trillion times harder for you and will make him feel better.

As everyone else is saying - Cut contact. I know, I know... There's a part of you that is waiting for that call/txt/email that hints or lets you know that he is missing you. You may get those calls. But they will mean nothing. They'll only serve to boost his ego. Nothing will come out of them. You will hurt more and more as you leave open the possibility of contact.

You want to get back on the road to happy? Get into a place where you have moved on? The best thing you can do is RIGHT NOW - Cut contact. Block him on facebook, bebo, gmail chat, msn, skype etc. Trust me we've all been there. But this is the best step to moving one. Everytime you send a txt and get only silence it will chip away at what remains of your confidence.

If you cut contact - seriously cut contact - completely. This man sounds like he has made his decision. Ye will never go back to what ye had so it's up to you now. END IT WITH HIM (your attachment, friendship) - it's your decision this time to walk away completely. You don't need to tell him. Just yourself.

merlie · 11-08-2009 9:11am

Well, He has contacted me on msn and we did chat but the conversation was going around in circles and although I got some answers to some of my questions but it all seems to stem from the fact that I have a fear of water and we have not been able to see each other as often as we would have liked. I had bought myself a phobia workbook and he was helping me on it ( btw he finds it hard to get a lot of time of work, not like me where I have a part time job, though most of my work is freelance , so I am able to be free more times than he off work), We had both been working on getting me through my phobia which I have had since I was a little, and he was giving me ideas and things, which was great, and I have been making progress. I thought I had been working on this so I could get over to him, but I had been going along under the assumption that things were fine and that I would get to see him, but when last Thursday came, I found out otherwise, when I had sent him an e-mail, telling him of my love for him, but never expected for him to break from me, after me opening up my feelings to him ( he always knew how I felt about him ) and then he sends me a text message to say we were finished.

That is why this break up hurts so badly. I was in the belief things were ok. he never said 'Oh we are just friends and thats it. What I got in the break up text was. "Yea I know how you feeling but I hope you know how I feel. I am your friend and I am sorry it has happened like this, but it is what I have got to do now, nite!'

And that was his text message to me. He told me yesterday on msn that I have no chance in getting back with him. What also kills me is that he had told me before that he would find it extremely hard to find someone like me in this world with the way I did things etc and we have grown to love each other, but I think I loved him more, we had been through so many ups and downs yet we survived it all and thought we had staying power as he even talked about having children with me a few weeks ago.

I feel now that I cannot trust a man's word or what he says to me. I had been led to assume things were fine and they were not. In all those years I had been with him, 'I felt very married to him' if that's the word say' he was part of my everyday and thought of him every other second, he told me he felt the same way. We matched on a hell of a lot of things and I put my trust in him as I have never done before, I had been afraid of getting hurt again and I had been taking my time and felt I could trust him with my feelings and that he was the one for me and we would get through the ups and downs of life etc and still come out winning.

He told me the other day that he saw me online, on msn, the day before. Yes I was and he was not online, so he was appearing offline to me and yet he claims he wants to be my friend and send tell him what I am doing and things and to send him photos, he even said that he wanted to know about any future relationships I may have and to make sure I am ok.

All that is confusing to me. I wish there was some magic wand to get rid of the feelings I have for him, but I have made a start on things.

Last night, I put two songs on my cd player one called 'Break out by Swing out sister' and the other ' Don't tell me by Avril Lavigne', it made me gather as much things that reminded me of him and bin them. I cannot believe the amount of things I have that is to do with him, but then that's 5 years worth of stuff.

I will be selling some and have hidden them away from my sight as I don't want to see them. I was crying as I was going through them and have been tearing up photos too. The way he ended it with me was a bit underhanded as he never directly told me as I went on assuming we were good and nothing was wrong and I went about working on my phobia so I could go and see him but I didn't know that there was nothing and no hope. Being told after he sent me the text that if I ever came over I would have to stay in a hotel and not at his place really put the knife in for me. I would be waiting for him, and probably spending more time on my own in a part of England that I don't know where is safe and not to go around, as it one of the largest cities in the UK. Even after all this time it is still a place I was learning about. It really hurt me deeply and felt I was being turned into someone who was a stranger and like I am all over his space etc really horrible feelings. I didn't expect this of him.

So I have 4 bags full of my life with him ready to be collected. I don't think I will invest so much the way I have ever again in a relationship, if I ever have one again, cos I do not deserve the type of hurt I have been given.

LegacyUser · 11-08-2009 11:15am

It hurts now, but you'll come out of this such a strong person. I know it's easy to read these words from all the posters telling you all will be okay, but have faith.

When my boyfriend ended things with me I hadn't the strength to eliminate him from life stright away. I put everything that reminded me of him in a box and when I had the strength I threw it away in a ceremonial closing of our relationship. This was only a trip to the dustbin but I'd agreed with myself it was time to move on.

Just from your posts I think you're a very sweet person, however I think now is the time to be strong and think about your future. Staying friendly with him will, at the moment, only hold you back. Do you think it might be possible to explain to him that right now although you would like to build a friendship in the future, you need to avoid contact with him to allow you to move on and heal properly. If you speak to him I'm sure you'll find it will only hold you back. If he wants you to be happy then he'll understand your need for space.

I always live by the saying, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. You'll learn from this and take it along with you into your next relationship. Through all the hurt you'll build up a foundation from which you can stand alone. Look at your reflection over time and you'll see a smile. Time is just a healer. As another poster said just keep yourself occupied, join groups or lend your time to charities to make new friends. A distraction will do you good.

Block him on MSN, remove his number on your phone and try with all your strength not to text him. Soon you'll be telling yourself he was lucky to have had you. You will eventually give your heart to someone else but when you're ready to trust them which can take as as long as you want it to. Walk down the street with your head held high and a big giant smile because, thankfully, life will go on

)

Sephiroth_dude · 11-08-2009 8:12pm

merlie wrote: »

Well, He has contacted me on msn

First of all block him on msn,delete him too if you want and delete and block him on any social networking site your a member of.

merlie wrote: »

I feel now that I cannot trust a man's word or what he says to me. I had been led to assume things were fine and they were not.

Dont give up on all men there are decent blokes out there.

merlie wrote: »

He told me the other day that he saw me online, on msn, the day before. Yes I was and he was not online, so he was appearing offline to me and yet he claims he wants to be my friend and send tell him what I am doing and things and to send him photos, he even said that he wanted to know about any future relationships I may have and to make sure I am ok.

As I said above delete and block him give him a taste of his own medicine.

merlie wrote: »

All that is confusing to me. I wish there was some magic wand to get rid of the feelings I have for him, but I have made a start on things.

Unfortunately there isn't,You need to get out there (when you feel ready too)and meet new people,you'll find a decent bloke someday,someone who will appreciate you and love you

merlie wrote: »

So I have 4 bags full of my life with him ready to be collected. I don't think I will invest so much the way I have ever again in a relationship, if I ever have one again, cos I do not deserve the type of hurt I have been given.

You did the right thingin getting rid of all his stuff,dont let what has happened dishearten you about futhure relationships like I said above not everyone will treat you the way you did.

Don't know how to cope

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