Love and " in love"

LegacyUser · 06-08-2009 2:16am #1

I was hoping that some one here might have experienced this and might have some words of wisdom for me.

I have been in a relationship for 5 years. I truly love this man. He is very special. The best man i have ever meet. I hope i get to spend the rest of my life with him. I was never in love with him. Didn't get those feelings. Met him, really liked him as a person and it grew into love. So while i love him with all my heart I have never been in love (butterflies in the stomach, dying to rip his clothes off stage)

before I started seeing my OH i met someone else. It was instant sexual attraction for me. Had never happened to me before or since. Thought he wouldn't have any interest in me. But we hit it off big time and ended up in bed together very quickly.Best night of my life. Butterflies in the tummy rip each others clothes off, all night sex. Sounds very corny and cringy but that was night I stopped being a girl and became a woman. Anyways turns out he had an on again off again girlfriend and they got back together. i was so gutted it was like someone got a knife and stuck it in me. 5 years later and I still think about him every day.

I know whats for you won't go by you and I am incredibly lucky to get to share my life with such a wonderful man like my OH. I suppose i just want to know will I ever get over the other guy. I'm still in love with him even though haven't seen him for years. People say time and no contact heals but I've been doing that for long time and the feelings never go away.

I have never cheated on my other half and never would. I love him. I just don't no how to stop being in love with the other one. God knows i ve tried everything. Counseling, hypnotherapy, no contact, cut out all mutual friends, moved city but nothing has changed.

Anyone any experience of this and any advice?
Be much appreciated

LegacyUser · 06-08-2009 7:30am

Am I right in thinking you only spent one night with this man? If so, it is the things you are lacking in your own relationship that is making him seem so special.

Do you find your man attractive or do you just love the person he is?

I know you can't make yourself fancy someone but you need to weigh up how important these butterflies are to you over what you have now.

If they have never been there for 5 years, then I don't think they are going to come because after 5 years, most of the butterflies in relationships have died out anyway. I should know.

I know this sounds harsh but is he a boring person? You are focusing a lot on the 'excitement' this other man brought to you when he could be a total let down in every other way.

puglover · 06-08-2009 8:56am

In an ideal world we would all have the butterfly passion and fall in love with that person, but I don't think everyone is that lucky.

You need to weigh up which is more important to you.

herya · 06-08-2009 9:01am

I wonder how much of the "in love with the other man" state is in your head as you haven't seen him for so long and haven't known him well. It sounds more like a memory you've painted yourself than a real relationship.

LegacyUser · 06-08-2009 9:50am

I think it is emotional fraud to go into a life partnership with someone you are not in love with....how would you like if someone did that to you??

Just 'loving' someone is not the same thing as 'being in love'

Its not good enough and sorry but what did you expect to happen if you don't have the strong sexual attraction for your man? Of course you will wander, you cant spend your life in denial of your sexual side.

This is very unfair on the man you are with. Have you admitted to him you are 'not in love' with him?
Becuase you need to tell him, you need to start being honest with yourself and your man.

Wibbs · 06-08-2009 10:22am

IMHO and in my experience, very very few people are in love after 5 years together. They may get flashes of it, but not like at first. The other thing I've noted is that people often forget how they felt at the start when a relationship goes on for many years.

The "butterflys" with the one night guy were IMHO just hornyness couched in romantic terms. It couldn't have been anything else. You didn't know him as a person, you certainly didn't know him as a boyfriend or a lover. So you're head wasn't in play, neither was your heart. Which basically leaves the crotch. That's cool BTW, but be careful you don't mistake it for anything more than an exciting one off.

IMHO the best relationships have three parts. The head, the heart and the crotch. It may ebb and flow between all three, but all three are present. I would also say the crotch part is among the easiest to stimulate down the line, if you put the effort in.

LegacyUser · 06-08-2009 10:31am

Wibbs wrote: »

IMHO the best relationships have three parts. The head, the heart and the crotch.

LOL, that made me laugh!

OP, have you spoken to him about this? Does he feel something is lacking in the relationship?

Wibbs · 06-08-2009 11:09am

Yes but in general terms not "lets break out the french ticklers and gimp suit" terms.

shoulda been less specific.:o:) The libido basically. That IMHO is where much f the "spark" stuff comes from in the early days at least.

Faith · 06-08-2009 1:27pm

Butterflies, dying to rip off clothes, all that - that's lust, not love. Lust fades over time, while love remains. I might be wrong, but I don't believe lust is a prerequisite for being in love with someone.

I think you've created an unhealthy obsession with this other guy. That one night of passion left a deep imprint on you which you are unwilling to erase. You have put it up on a pedestal and it's affecting other areas of your life. You have to look at it rationally. It was just sex. Sure, it was great for you, but clearly not as good for him because he went back to his girlfriend. Personally, I'd say you're preventing yourself from getting over this guy for some reason. Hoping he'll realise his mistake and come back to you, perhaps? You certainly don't love him, it's just some kind of addiction. Drug addicts believe they need drugs and can't live without them, but it's not true. All the counselling and hypnotherapy in the world isn't going to help until you are actually prepared to move on. After 5 years of obsessing, it's not going to be easy for you, I'm sure.

LegacyUser · 06-08-2009 1:50pm

sunflower27 wrote: »

Wibbs wrote: »

haha!

I keep thinking 'The Lion, the witch and the wardrobe' and now 'the head, the heart and the crotch'

OP, use the passion you have for this bloke on your man. Ignite the flame here and now, if it doesn't work then you need to make a decision but don't stay with him because "you love him" because to me, it doesn't sound enough for you.

Good luck.

angelfalling · 06-08-2009 3:25pm

You're not in love with this other man. It's that you had no real closure on him that you can't stop thinking about him. You're still wondering "what if" because you didn't get the chance to have a relationship and play it out.

If you had been with him for 5 years, its likely that those butterflies in your stomach feelings would have passed by now and you'd only just love him (or maybe not love him at all).

Be grateful for what's right in front of you and remind yourself you don't really know if the other relationship would have worked out at all.

Novella · 06-08-2009 3:59pm

From what you have written, I take it you had a one night stand with "in love" guy. How can you think you're in love with him when basically all the two of you did was have a night of passion? Being good in the bedroom doesn't mean all that much at the end of the day. You have no idea how he would have treated you as a partner. Do you even know him as a person, his interests and things?

Realistically, I think there is something lacking in your current relationship with your OH. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to rip his clothes off all the time, you've been together for five years but think of it this way, when you're upset is it his arms you want to be in? When it's just you and him, do you ever look at him and think just how lucky you are? If not, maybe you are in the wrong relationship.

I think seen as you have focused on the sex you have had with the other man that this is perhaps what you are longing for and not the man himself. You say you have never cheated on your OH. If "in love" man came back into your life would you be tempted to experience that night and those feelings again? If not, that's great, maybe spice up your sex life with your partner and you'll find you're not missing anything at all. If, however, you think you would, maybe you shouldn't be with your OH at all.

I think the fact that you say you've never been in love with him is a problem indicator. Do you think he's in love with you? If so, is it fair for you to be with him when really you are pining for someone else who you do believe you are in love with?

Oh The Humanity · 06-08-2009 4:42pm

Novella wrote: »

I think the fact that you say you've never been in love with him is a problem indicator. Do you think he's in love with you? If so, is it fair for you to be with him when really you are pining for someone else who you do believe you are in love with?

+1

It's one thing being in love with someone and that love settling into the comfy love stage, but it's totally another to never have been in love with him in the first place! Does your boyfriend know you were never in love with him?

I can't imagine how you entered into a relationship knowing you were not in love with the guy and expected it all to work out?

I agree with a lot of the posters saying this one night guy has become a fixation you have attached the 'in love' label to, rather than actually being in love with him, because being in love is a two way street, and yes it has lust, love, comfy love and the whole lot not just a compromise where you like and respect them but are tempted by others.

There is a problem in the primary relationship. Only you can decide what to do about that. But think about how you'd feel if you were going out with someone for 5 years and they were never in love with you.

I would be horribly hurt by that much more than the sort of emotional infidelity of harking after someone else all along, to be honest.

That night you had with the first guy is the way it should be every night with your current man, so you are selling both him and yourself short by depriving yourselves of that.

Comfy humdrum type love is grand in its way, but it's not the real deal.

LegacyUser · 06-08-2009 4:53pm

Hi all
I am the original poster. I want to thank everyone for all their advice and comments.Everything ye have said I have thought through myself over the last 5 years. Whether to stay in my current relationship, whether love is enough or do I need to be "in love" with the man I'm with.

The only conclusion I have been able to come to myself is that I love my OH with all my heart and I am incredibly lucky to get to experience that with someone. I look back with terrible sadness and pain at what happened with the other guy. I wanted so much what I had with him. But I can't have him so I have to leave it behind no matter how hard it is.

Thanks again to everyone
I really appreciate the wise and kind words

Love and " in love"

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