Problem With Ex Not Getting Over Me

LegacyUser

Going unreg. for this.

Short part, G/F and I split up about six months ago. We share alot of friends still.
She's not over me and I'm seeing someone else, though she doesn't know this.

Long part. I have a party coming up and have invited lots of our friends.
She and I have made some progress in getting on and have seen each other at a few functions. We're capable of being civil etc...

However, I don't know if I should invite her because the girl I'm seeing will be there.
To put a long story short, she(ex) would not handle the situation well and could take it is a dig, or me rubbing it in or something and frankly, I don't want to cause a row.
Not inviting her could be just as bad, could be insulting and detrimental to the progress we've made.

Anybody have any helpful advice as to what I should do?

LegacyUser

I say invite her, but warn her you have a new girlfriend and you totally understand if she doesn't feel comfortable being there, that way she has the choice. I personally wouldn't want it springing on me so it is only fair to tell her.

PCPhoto

I agree with ^^^^ above .... invite her but tell her that you have been seeing somone recently and she might be there also.

At least then she has been informed of the situation and can make her own decision.

narac

Do not invite her, unless you current gf knows you are inviting her and is happy with it. If your current gf is fairly new, she probably knows very little about you relationship with your ex, and could feel very weird about your ex ebing there (and rightly so).

themacdaddy

narac wrote: »

Do not invite her, unless you current gf knows you are inviting her and is happy with it.

Have to agree with Narac there. Your new girlfriend is your priority here and you really have to see how she feels before you invite your ex...especially if she may make a scene like you say.

Wibbs

I agree with sunflower27. Yes getting over your relationship is mostly down to her, but your actions can help or hinder her doing so. If she's still holding a candle for you or holding onto some of the emotional fallout, you have to be honest with her and show her that you are moving forward, IE telling her you're with someone else.

As for the party, what do you want to happen for her. Not you. If you get fallout from not inviting her, then that's part of the price you pay. If you invite her and she is faced with your new girlfriend in a sudden out of the blue way, she will see this as dishonesty or lack of emotional bravery on your part or it may even look like you're rubbing her face in it, especially as you didn't give her the choice of knowing what was what. It may look like and ambush to her and as I say she won't be happy. I certainly would not be a happy camper in her position.

If it was me I would tell the woman you're going with someone new. Before any mention of a party. Then she's in possession of the facts. She's going to find out after the party from mutual mates anyway I'd say.

blairbear

You absolutely can't invite her to the party without telling her about your new girlfriend. It would come across as highly thoughtless and inconsiderate if she just turned up and you were with someone new.

If you tell her that you're seeing someone, and do it as long before this party as you can, she has time to digest it and she won't feel humiliated at the party if she decides to go. She may very well not decide to go. Personally, I wouldn't attend a party if an ex I still liked was with his new girlfriend, because it would just be masochistic of me! If you don't tell both your new gf and old gf of the situation, then you'll be inviting drama.

kittenkiller

I'd ask a mutual friend to tell her about your new gf and then invite her.
Let her make up her own mind about things.

Pyr0

^ Doesn't sound like a good idea.

I can see a lot of blacklash from her as to why he didn't tell her, it could get very messy. It's best if the OP just told her about the new girlfriend, it'll do her good in the long term knowing there isn't a point waiting around or holding on to lost hope.

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

Can I ask why you haven't told your ex about your new girlfriend.

It's been 6 months and is probably a big part of the reason your ex hasn't fully moved on!

Hey, OP here, thanks for all the replies guys, they're alot of help.

Sunflowers, the reason I haven't told her is becasue, well, with all due respect to her (ex), she's very insecure and can be quite dramatic. She also has a habit of mis-interpreting things to that end.
I think that outright telling her would cause her alot of hurt and I could be accused of being insensitive or rubbing it in.

Wibbs wrote:

but your actions can help or hinder her doing so

Tbh, this is it, I'm afraid that her finding out about new girl could hinder the progress.
I guess I think it would be like me adding fuel to her fire.

Ok, I see that telling her about new girl and inviting her is the most honurable solution, but I guess I'm kinda scared of hurting her. It feels very callous to me.

Thanks for all your input folks.
Much appreciated.

ladygirl

I agree that you should tell your ex about your new girlfriend, and tbh its up to her how she copes with the news!!! she can choose to go off and one and look like a jealous cow or take the higher road and accept it and try and move on...

Also I think you may be slightly putting your ex's feelings before your new girlfriends, i think you should also make her fully aware of this, I would also tell her that the reason you havent told your ex about her is cause it may add fuel to a fire as you said,, keep her fully informed or else she will feel taken for granted,, if she is happy for your ex to go to your party then and only then invite your ex, if your new GF is not happy with this then I think you should respect her and not invite the ex, I wouldnt want to feel uncomfortable at my boyfriends party just because some ex is there that feels jealous and may cause a scene..

Dont worry about people from your past - theres a reason they didnt make it to your future...

mandysmithers

How long were you going out with your ex for?

Wibbs

Unreg - OP wrote: »

Hey, OP here, thanks for all the replies guys, they're alot of help.

Sunflowers, the reason I haven't told her is becasue, well, with all due respect to her (ex), she's very insecure and can be quite dramatic. She also has a habit of mis-interpreting things to that end.
I think that outright telling her would cause her alot of hurt and I could be accused of being insensitive or rubbing it in.


Tbh, this is it, I'm afraid that her finding out about new girl could hinder the progress.
I guess I think it would be like me adding fuel to her fire.

Ok, I see that telling her about new girl and inviting her is the most honurable solution, but I guess I'm kinda scared of hurting her. It feels very callous to me.

OK my humble? I think you're more worried about how telling her will impact you directly not how it will impact her. That's natural and common enough too. I have seen and heard so many excuses for avoiding personal hurt, but saying it'll hurt someone else, especially in ex relationships.

So what if you're accused of being insensitive by telling her? You will look a damn sight more insensitive if she turned up invited to a party to find you canoodling with your new girlfriend.

You're also worried about her misinterpreting everything. Well she will if you're not being honest and direct with her.

I see it like this; you left her, so you've already hurt her as she didn't want you to leave. Cool, this happens in that situation. It's part and parcel of it and you can't avoid that hurt. You're making the mistake of trying to and especially trying to avoid you feeling more hurt, guilt or getting more static from it. IMHO it's more about you than you may realise.

In trying to avoid this, you are making it worse for her. Imagine you did tell her when you got involved with another. Yes she would have been upset, but it would have been a good indication that your old relationship was over. It would have hurt her yes, but it would have forced her to come to terms with it more. She would be in full possession of the facts as it were.

Now that she's your ex you have no real emotional responsibility, but IMHO you do have the responsibility to be polite and forthright in dealings with her and that includes telling her of your new relationship if such a relationship will impact on her because of mutual friends in your social circle. It's good manners if nothing else.

Wibbs

ladygirl wrote: »

Also I think you may be slightly putting your ex's feelings before your new girlfriends.

My take is that he is putting his own feelings before either of them, by attempting to avoid hurt that may impact him. As I say a very common one.

LegacyUser

Just an insight the OP might want to consider. I too think that he worry too much about his ex's feelings/his own.

I've been the new gf in this situation and I must say had my bf handled things differently it could have had very negative effects for us. Knowing that your bf has an ex that wasn't over him, and seemingly was still in love with him would make the most confident person a bit insecure. Especially given the fact that he still cared about her in some way and wanted to be friends.

But tbh, he was straight up with me, and with the ex. He told her from early on that he had met someone else and that he was serious about me. When the first party with mutual friends came about, he told her that he loved me and I was going to be there and she would just have to deal with it.

TBH her reaction was that she couldn't be around him and she pretty much doesn't come to any events where she knows we'll be there, but that is her choice. His take on it is that he doesn't need friends that don't want him to be happy.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

OK my humble? I think you're more worried about how telling her will impact you directly not how it will impact her. That's natural and common enough too. I have seen and heard so many excuses for avoiding personal hurt, but saying it'll hurt someone else, especially in ex relationships.

I guess there is some sense in that.

Thanks for the input.

LegacyUser

You really should tell your ex you're seeing someone and then let her decide if she still wants to attend this party.

I can only say from personal experience. But I wish my ex had told me about the new person in his life rather than treating me with kid gloves. If I'd known I could have moved on sooner rather than clinging onto false hope. It may be hard for her to here but I reckon she'll thank you in the long run.