Another thread about age difference

LegacyUser

Me, guy, 31, her 21. We like each other, spend a lot of time together and most people think we're going out with each other. She's made it clear she likes me but so far I can't get over the age gap. Am I right.

Nevyn

if it's an issue for you then it's an issue for you, do you know why it's an issue for you?

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

Me, guy, 31, her 21. We like each other, spend a lot of time together and most people think we're going out with each other. She's made it clear she likes me but so far I can't get over the age gap. Am I right.

Why ?

zeppe

Here's my 2c.

I'm 37. My girlfriend is 24. We met 4 years ago. Never even think of it now, well maybe I was a little concerned when we started going out.
Bit of a whirlwind romance. Still together, have our own house, expecting our 2nd child in october and getting married next year. Its great, life is short, go for it..

WIZE

Thaedydal wrote: »

if it's an issue for you then it's an issue for you, do you know why it's an issue for you?

nice poem:D



GO for it and see what happens

ciagr297

you need to figure out why its an issue for you OP

once you get to that point, you can judge what to do.

if you do go for it without figuring out the problem you have with it, it will come back to haunt you at some point.

but don't use age difference as a catch-all barrier

puglover

My 2c, I started going out with a guy 10 years my senior when I was 20. Thought I was all grown up and knew exactly what I was doing. I wasn't and I didn't.

I had done alot of growing up by the time I'd turned 24, I was a completely different person. I missed out on alot of experiences, like travelling with my friends etc. At the time I felt it was worth it...after all I had found love :rolleyes:.... I didn't even know what love was.

I hadn't even figured out who I was at that stage and allowed myself to be influenced too much by him(not always intentional on his part) I was just too young and I didn't even realise it... I even agreed to marry him, despite the fact that I wasn't miserable with him. :eek: thought for a while that it was just the next logical step.

I migth add that this guy was a pig and didn't deserve me, took me a while to cop on but I got sense. Needless to say I broke up with him in the end, but I still regret the things I missed out on and looking back he was old enough to know better.

Novella

It doesn't matter if a hundred people come on here and tell you that the age gap is fine. If it bothers you then it's never going to work. If, on the other hand, you are just looking for a bit of reassurance that there's nothing wrong with it, then no, I think it's ok.

You really need to figure out if the age gap matters more to you than the feelings you have for this girl and if they do, just leave it.

angelfalling

You should consider her just as you would any other woman. If you enjoy her company and want the relationship to go further, let it go further. There are a million and one reasons that relationships don't work out, if for some reason the age difference becomes a problem for you then so be it.

I'm the younger woman in an age gap relationship myself, and I can say that when we met I was 20 and I knew good and well who I was, what I wanted. We traveled together, had plenty of experiences together, and now we're starting a family together. I don't think I've missed out on anything these years later

I might suggest to puglover that the age gap had little to do with why her relationship didn't work out! If the guy was a scumbag, he was a scumbag, no matter what age he was. If a relationship is going to work, the age shouldn't matter. If you dated another 20 year old for a while you could have easily wasted a few years of your life missing out on traveling or other experiences (know plenty of friends who've wasted a few years on partners of equal age alright!). The fact alone that this guy is a little concerned about the age gap means he is being sensitive to her. Although, it would be completely unfair to the girl (and his heart) to pass just because of age.

puglover

I don't agree Angelfalling. Just because it has worked out fine in your case doesn't mean it always does.

Fact is at 20/21/22 you're still young and foolish. You might not make any mistakes that have long lasting effects on your life and then again you might. In their 30's most people are thinking about settling down with houses/kids etc. A younger person going with the flow will often think they want the same things even though they don't even know what they are missing.

angelfalling

No, SOME people are young and foolish. Just because you feel that you were doesn't mean all people are inexperienced and incapable at that age. This kind of suggests you don't think that people in their early 20s can make suitable decisions and start serious relationships or families, which seems a bit ridiculous.

I'm sure there are impressionable 20-somethings. There are impressionable 30-somethings too. There are plenty of people who go their whole lives not really knowing what they want and going with the flow with this person or that person.

My friend group is wide. I have friends in their 20s, 30s, and 40s. I know as many 20-somethings who have their **** together as I know 40-somethings that don't. It's about the person, not necessarily the age.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience and made a choice that didn't work for you- doesn't mean thats by any stretch the norm.

In the long run, to the OP: 10 years isn't that strange or odd of a gap. I can think of a half dozen relationships I know of that are around 8-12 years gapped and work out just fine and are completely equal. My parents are 14 years apart and have been married for 31 years, and married when my mother was 23. You just have to ask yourself if she were 28 would you have any doubts about her. You know you aren't taking advantage.

viggi-tea

Finding someone you really like and get on well with is a difficult task by any means. It'd be a shame to ruin a potentially great relationship because of something which may not even turn out to be a problem. My advice is go for it and see how the relationship progresses. if you feel the age difference is having a negative impact on it then you could call it quits at that point!

Moomoo1

@puglover: it's never too late to have expieriences. You can go travelling with your friends at 24 or get drunk and end up sick in the gutter at 35.

ok, you've spent your early 20's with that guy, you could have spent your late 20's doing the 'early 20's things'.

@OP: go for it.

Eve_Dublin

Do what makes you happy OP and don't let anyone and their small-minded views get in your way of that. You should grab all the opportunities for happiness that you can (particularly with all this talk of recession and the crap weather were having) and don't take it for granted that you'll meet someone you connect with so easily again.

Go for it OP, I certainly wouldn't judge you.

evogirl

kinda similar situation i was in when i was 20 (10 years ago)
yeah i thought i was all mature and knew what i wanted. it was great for a few years alright but i then starting seeing how the age difference affected us.
we were both at completely different stages in life, and wanted different things.
anyway we split up after nine years together and i felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
From my experience (and that of some of my friends) it rarely works.

Sir Humphrey

angelfalling wrote: »

I'm sure there are impressionable 20-somethings. There are impressionable 30-somethings too. There are plenty of people who go their whole lives not really knowing what they want and going with the flow with this person or that person.

My friend group is wide. I have friends in their 20s, 30s, and 40s. I know as many 20-somethings who have their **** together as I know 40-somethings that don't. It's about the person, not necessarily the age.

I would say that your experience of people is fairly unusual to be honest. Most people I have spoken to on this kind of thing would certainly believe that they - and people in general - were astonishingly naive and inexperienced (relatively) at 20/21 and matured over time.

It would be unusual generally for a 30 year old to be as impressionable as a 20 year old I would think even if your social groups appear to buck all acknowledged trends.

Of course at 20/21 people don't realise this but how on earth could a person of 20 have the same life experience as a person of 30 notwithstanding differences in personality etc.?

The age of the girl a rather than the age gap per se is the real issue here I would think.

20/21 year olds get into absurdly long and "serious" relationships at a very young age, but at least they have the same goals and expectations at that stage and can come out the other side afterwards and get on with life. Deviations in goals and expectations might be a challenge for a 31 and 21 year old in the longer run. That your own individual experience is different does not mean it is the common general experience.

Sir Humphrey

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Do what makes you happy OP and don't let anyone and their small-minded views get in your way of that. You should grab all the opportunities for happiness that you can (particularly with all this talk of recession and the crap weather were having) and don't take it for granted that you'll meet someone you connect with so easily again.

Go for it OP, I certainly wouldn't judge you.

Why not judge him? You seem happy enough to judge everyone else.

angelfalling

It has more often than not been my experience that the kind of relationships you describe don't work out for a number of OTHER reasons (having different goals, changing over time- yes you can change at 30) than the age gap. There's no guarantee when you date a person the same age as you that you will have those same goals.

Not all 20-somethings are interested in the short term and partying, and by 21 most of my friends have had gotten degrees, ready to get down to business. I have noticed that here (in Ireland) compared to the states it seems people take much, much longer to settle down. Fair enough.

I'd be curious how many serious relationships you know of that have had an age difference involved. I know of plenty that have succeeded in my life and in my family, while you know of one or two that didn't work out-- that sounds like any ol' relationship to me! I think its easy to blame the age difference first and ignore all the other things you actually never had in common to begin with and that you didn't really love the person when you dove into the relationship.

I've been in a relationship with someone 9 years older and 13 years older and in neither was the age difference any issue. However, when I was with someone for a number of years who was my own age we had a lot of issues (particularly with his immaturity!). That's besides the point. It comes down to the two people involved and their personalities and their individual wants/needs. Age shouldn't be a factor for the OP in dating his friend, as someone already pointed out, its difficult enough to find someone you really connect with. End of story.

puglover

Angelfalling, would you tell the OP to go ahead if he was say 26 and she was 16?

IMO it's the same thing. If the girl in question was say 25+ I would have no problem with the age gap.

She is simply too young and inexperienced, no matter what you think a person in their early 20's has not experienced life, they can't have... the simply haven't been around long enough, and does not know enough about life to be making those decisions. No matter how well their head is screwed on, they just do not have enough information at that stage.

angelfalling

That's just ridiculous. Being 16 is hardly the same as being 20. You didn't change from 16 to 20? I changed a lot from 16 to 20 and a lot less from 20 to 24.

"She is simply too young and inexperienced"
You don't know a thing about this woman! Granted, I don't either, but you assume she's a complete dip****? Because, what, you were (no offense)? My god woman. Maybe she's had a couple serious relationships, a degree, traveled the world-- that's all completely possible (was for me!)-- what if she were 25 and had never left the same village, had a stream of one night stands and no real interests? Would she have more life experience by simply being 4 years older?
Sure, not all 21 year olds are going to have their **** together (although like I said, know plenty of people well in their 30s who haven't a clue). However some, many, certainly do! You don't know every 21 year old, so you can't make the blanket statements you have. I could start in on the tendency for woman to be more mature than men anyways, but I figure that'll be pointless as you're mind is made up on your own bad experience with someone who you admit was a "pig"-- which makes me think that maybe the age difference wasn't the real problem anyways.

I suppose all the age gapped couples I know are destined to fail-- I'll ring them up tonight That'll be some convo with my mother alright! Better go get myself a lawyer while I'm at it!

trustno1

When I was 16 I went with someone 5 years older than me for 4 years. Both of us had no problem with the age gap. When I was 21 I started to go with someone who was 10 years older - I didn't have a problem with the age gap and neither did he, the people who did have a problem with it were his friends (mine didn't care one way or another once I was happy) - and this really bugged him. I went with him on and off for around 2 years then said I was splitting to go and live in another country as he wouldn't commit one way or another (due to what his mates were saying) - the day I was due to fly he gave me a letter saying he had made a huge mistake and asked would I stay and marry him.. too little too late. My point is - you both have to 100% happy for it to work, if you have any doubts, or listen to other peoples opionions - it won't (which of course is true with any relationship!). The age gap is irrelevant.

Eve_Dublin

Sir Humphrey wrote: »

Why not judge him? You seem happy enough to judge everyone else.

I don't think everyone else in here would think the age difference is a problem actually, Sir Humphrey. I think to judge someone solely on their age IS small-minded. If you call that judgemental, then you could be right.

puglover

angelfalling wrote: »

That's just ridiculous. Being 16 is hardly the same as being 20. You didn't change from 16 to 20? I changed a lot from 16 to 20 and a lot less from 20 to 24.

"She is simply too young and inexperienced"
You don't know a thing about this woman! Granted, I don't either, but you assume she's a complete dip****? Because, what, you were (no offense)? My god woman. Maybe she's had a couple serious relationships, a degree, traveled the world-- that's all completely possible (was for me!)-- what if she were 25 and had never left the same village, had a stream of one night stands and no real interests? Would she have more life experience by simply being 4 years older?
Sure, not all 21 year olds are going to have their **** together (although like I said, know plenty of people well in their 30s who haven't a clue). However some, many, certainly do! You don't know every 21 year old, so you can't make the blanket statements you have. I could start in on the tendency for woman to be more mature than men anyways, but I figure that'll be pointless as you're mind is made up on your own bad experience with someone who you admit was a "pig"-- which makes me think that maybe the age difference wasn't the real problem anyways.

I suppose all the age gapped couples I know are destined to fail-- I'll ring them up tonight That'll be some convo with my mother alright! Better go get myself a lawyer while I'm at it!

Did I change from 16-20? of course but I still had alot more growing up to do. Did I say she was a dip****e...no. I wasn't either by the way. I just realise that as you age and grow, as you experience more and increase your knowledge you become wiser still. I expect to even wiser by the time I hit 50 and will prob have the hindsight to look back an be able to see things I am doing now that I would have done differently.

How you could manage to a couple of serious relationships, a degree and travel the world by 20 is beyond me. You finish school at about 17 if you're young, most people probably 18. 3/4 years to a degree and some-time in between to travel the world... doesn't add up. A degree doesn't make you anymore mature btw. I have a Masters and tbh it ain't worth the paper its printed on. Real life experience is alot more educational than academia imo but hey thats just me.

Yes she would have more experience 4 years more experience to be axact

Eve_Dublin

Sir Humphrey wrote: »

I would say that your experience of people is fairly unusual to be honest. Most people I have spoken to on this kind of thing would certainly believe that they - and people in general - were astonishingly naive and inexperienced (relatively) at 20/21 and matured over time.

It would be unusual generally for a 30 year old to be as impressionable as a 20 year old I would think even if your social groups appear to buck all acknowledged trends.

Of course at 20/21 people don't realise this but how on earth could a person of 20 have the same life experience as a person of 30 notwithstanding differences in personality etc.?

The age of the girl a rather than the age gap per se is the real issue here I would think.

20/21 year olds get into absurdly long and "serious" relationships at a very young age, but at least they have the same goals and expectations at that stage and can come out the other side afterwards and get on with life. Deviations in goals and expectations might be a challenge for a 31 and 21 year old in the longer run. That your own individual experience is different does not mean it is the common general experience.

In fairness, we're not talking generally though, are we? We're talking about this particular situation and your applying your own general rule on an individual case. Love and relationships don't work like that. The OP didn't mention that the girl is naive or inexperienced...this wasn't his problem. His only concern was the age she was given by the Roman calander. We can't just presume that this is the case based solely on her age. As I said above, this is small-minded thinking. If this guy gets along with a girl 10 years younger than him, then perhaps he's a young 31 himself or she could be an old 21. They both like each other, they could make each other very happy or very miserable but that's the risk with all relationships. Why sabotage a potential love or a potential disaster just because of an age difference? It would be a real pity, imo.

angelfalling

Eve_Dublin wrote: »

Why sabotage a potential love or a potential disaster just because of an age difference? It would be a real pity, imo.

You're right Eve, that's exactly the point.

You just told me, puglover, that there is no difference between being 16 and dating a 26 year old and being 21 when dating a 31 year old.
Yes, I expect to be much wiser by 50. That's 20-something years from now, not 4. One's life is also going to be more similar in their 20 and 30s than it will be in their 50's. Hindsight is always 20/20 whether you're 20, 30 or 60. You're still going to make choices you wish you hadn't. You can easily have a crap relationship that wastes a few years of your life with someone your own age at 20.

On a personal note since you ask, I entered college at 18, graduated at 22 (had I made a few choices differently that would have been 21), took courses online while I traveled (how I ended up in Ireland!). Had a long term boyfriend as a teen that spilled into college and another serious relationship while in college. University and travel definitely gave me more life experience than if I had stayed home and worked at the local, but hey, that's just my opinion.

Moomoo1

my best friend met a 30-something at 20 and married him at 22. They are still together 9 years later and don't look like parting.

I think it's normal if one partner is a bit more mature than other one. If the relationship works well, this can make the other partner more mature and teach him/her about life. After all, long term relationships are valuable life expieriences too.

turgon

Im with angelfalling here. One cant make generalizations about gaps in age. The outcome of the relationship will depend on the two partners and while the age gap may be an issue, I think puglover is putting too much credence in it.

In general I dont put much faith in age, but rather in maturity. And maturity is dependent on their personality. So we cant really judge given the op only gave us 4 sentences.

ciagr297

turgon wrote: »

Im with angelfalling here. One cant make generalizations about gaps in age. The outcome of the relationship will depend on the two partners and while the age gap may be an issue, I think puglover is putting too much credence in it.

In general I dont put much faith in age, but rather in maturity. And maturity is dependent on their personality. So we cant really judge given the op only gave us 4 sentences.

agreed, maturity is not the same as age

ladygirl

puglover wrote: »

I don't agree Angelfalling. Just because it has worked out fine in your case doesn't mean it always does.

Fact is at 20/21/22 you're still young and foolish. You might not make any mistakes that have long lasting effects on your life and then again you might. In their 30's most people are thinking about settling down with houses/kids etc. A younger person going with the flow will often think they want the same things even though they don't even know what they are missing.

I agree here, in your early 20's you are only just finding out who you are, at least by mid 20s you seem to have a grip on it all, cause youve learnt from your mistakes,

LegacyUser

Angelfalling, would you tell the OP to go ahead if he was say 26 and she was 16?

IMO it's the same thing. If the girl in question was say 25+ I would have no problem with the age gap.

She is simply too young and inexperienced, no matter what you think a person in their early 20's has not experienced life, they can't have... the simply haven't been around long enough, and does not know enough about life to be making those decisions. No matter how well their head is screwed on, they just do not have enough information at that stage.

That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read, and has to be written by someone who has very little experience in life!!
There are people who are 'old/mature' when they are in secondary school, and they are also those who have experienced the most of what can life can throw at you by the time you're 18!! For anybody to make the comments above, about being too young or too inexperienced shows that they have not had any life experiences and are living in a sheltered environment. You have been given the key of the house at 18 for a particular reason!! You may not choose to grow up or take responsibility, at this age, but to say or infer, that you can't make your own choices at this age, is absolutely ludicrous. At is age 70 years ago, people had become squadron leaders and had flown multi missions into enemy territory, or fought for their countries freedom! I would totally ignore the comments above as they have been made by someone who has no comprehension of life. Enjoy it, and appreciate it!

G86

It's completely ridiculous to tar all 20/21/22 year olds with the same brush.

I'm 23 - I left home at 17, took a year out and worked, I did 2 years of college and then took 2 years out to work again and save for my last year of my degree which finished up there in May. In that space of time I was in a 5 year relationship from 16 - 21 (with a seven year age gap which was never an issue), I travelled a bit too and I did the single having the craic thing for a year or 2 after. I now have a job I love, which I wouldn't have got had I no experience outside of college, and I'd like to think I have a pretty good head on my shoulders at this stage.

My point is that not every person in their late teens/early 20's is the same, some mature faster than others and some don't, it all depends on the person involved. When I was 17 I knew exactly what I wanted out of life, I may not have had the experiences that I've now had, but I was by no means immature and I was definitely able to handle a committed relationship.

Even now, I absolutely hate it when I'm talking to a client at work or even someone I've just met who's older and they give me that 'knowing' look when they pick up on my age. It's patronising to say the least.


There is absolutely no problem with the age gap, none at all, the only issue here is that you have an issue with it. Is it that you're just worried about what other people will think? If that's the case then just forget about them, if this girl makes you happy then don't let a stupid thing lke other peoples skewed opinions get in your way. If you're worried that she doesn't know what she's looking for from a relationship then just sit down and talk to her about it, you might be surprised, most 21 year women have a lot of cop on - more so than alot of older guys I know to be honest.

Darthhoob

i was 21 when i met my OH, he was 31. so very much like you

we've been together for nearly 6 years now, and the age gap has never really been a problem, we have similar tastes in music and films and other stuff. i have older brothers though, whose music and film collection i watched so i probably 10 years older than i should be music and film taste wise :pac:. we also have similar values. we were totally different people thoguh as when he was my age he was much more boisterous and experimented with drugs and bascially lived the tweens life. i was a parent at 19 so i had to grow up fast. he only grew up just before meeting me lol.

the only, slight, problem we had with age is having children. i already had one boy when i met him, last year we had a son together and now we are expecting another baby. which is great, but he was a bit anxious about being a dad for the first time later in life than most. but seriously tht is the ONLY minor problem.

it very much depends on the people, what you want from life needs to be the same...whatever age you are.

Toto Wolfcastle

It's not the age that matters, it's how comfortable you are in the relationship. I'm more comfortable with my boyfriend who is 18 years my senior than I was with my ex who was my own age. Do you want to be with this person? Will the issues that you are having have an impact on the relationship? Do you think that you can get over these issues and make this relationship work? If not don't waste your time or her time. If you think you can get over these issues then go for it.

She, at 21, may not be 'mature' enough for a relationship. You, at 31, may not be mature enough. This issue is specific to you and just because it may or may not have worked out for others does not mean it may or may not work out for you.

Skapoot

She may or may not have had enough life experience .

You may or may not have had enough life experience.

How about you just go out with her, it will answer your question. And if it fails - put it down to "life experience" and ye'll both mature a bit.

Going out with her isnt a matter of life or death. Ye have the same chance of breaking up as any other couple.:rolleyes: