My first experience of online dating...:-(

LegacyUser

Hoping for some advice here guys.

Finally bit the bullet and joined a few websites - only the paid ones because I'd be a bit suspicious of the 'freebies'...anyway, met someone and we swapped numbers and he began to text... obsessively. Now I'm a great woman for texting so I replied to them all..but the texting went on for days (I mean about 50/60 per day) telling me all about how much he hoped it would work out between us, how he wanted a long term relationship, how beautiful I was, if I'd like a lift here or there (before we'd met) etc etc. At one point, I got a bit scared to be honest and guessed he was a bit of a nutcase, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and met up with him about 3 weeks ago.
We'd a good first date - or so I thought. Few awkward silences etc but still had a laugh...walked me home and had a mooch at my garden garden - nothing too heavy. He text me a couple of times that night and then again the next morning...and then nothing. And then he blocked me from his profile and all the mails he sent me have been deleted!
So it's blatantly obvious to me that this guy wasn't attracted to me at all but the fact that he went from 50 texts a day before we met, to NO texts since we met really affected my confidence.
He wasn't into me obviously...I tried for a few days, to think about all the reasons he wasn't into me in REAL life (my weight, my looks, my clothes, my personality) and it really got me down, but I'm hoping this behaviour says more about him than it does about me.
Just like some words of wisdom from someone who may have had a similar experience..? constant texting/phoning before you meet and then nothing after you meet...? I want to try it again because I know that not all men are like this guy and I guess I'm just looking for a confidence booster...anyone???

Monkey61

Please don't be disheartened by this one experience OP - the guy sounds a bit strange to be honest, or just very immature and socially inept when it comes to dating. The texts offering lifts and hoping everything would work out BEFORE he had even met you should have sent alarm bells ringing. That is not normal dating behaviour and definitely a sign of odd future behaviour to come.

It is absolutely nothing to do with you and all to do with him. He had already proved himself a bit odd before you met so it was only natural that this would continue afterwards! You did nothing wrong except being a lot less discerning than you should have been before deciding to meet him.

Bottom line is, don't blame online dating. The same thing could have happened with someone you met in the pub. There are positives to this though - you have learned a valuable lesson about some of the warning signs to look out for before deciding to meet up with someone and you have a hilarious story to tell your friends!

shellyboo

Don't blame yourself, he sounds like a weirdo. Anything could have happened! Perhaps he met someone else and deleted his profile or something, or maybe he was just looking for a quixk shag and when you didn't sleep with him he moved on.

Online dating can be better than regular dating in a way, in that it gives you more time to get to know a person and observe the red flags before meeting them. Someone like that - overly keen to give you lifts, texting incessantly - that's a red flag. You need to hold out for someone who recognises the difficulties with online dating, is aware that you need to put your personal safety first, and doesn't come across as a lunatic.

Basically, screen better! Online dating is pretty harsh, so don't be afraid to be blunt and turn people down.

Liam Byrne

If there were 50/60 texts per day, I'm surprised that you even agreed to meet him, TBH!!!!

I know I've been on here lately saying "feck the rules, be in touch, meet up", but 50 TEXTS A DAY ????

5 or so would have watered down my "feck the rules / give everyone a chance", let alone ten times that!

Bullet dodged.

AARRRGH

Your problem has nothing to do with online dating (however I personally think online dating sounds rubbish, as it's based purely on how photogenic you are, which seems a bit cruel.)

Anyway, the guy has moved on. Maybe he met someone else, maybe he has a girlfriend, or maybe something just didn't feel right and he has decided to move on.

Whatever the reason, he has handled it very immaturely and selfishly, so you are better off without him. So count yourself lucky.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thanks for that - yes I should probably have screened better you're right! Like I said, it's my first experience of online dating...I was amazed at how it knocked my confidence tho really. I knew the incessant texting and him telling me how beautiful I was etc, was based on nothing more than a photo of me and some texting and of course, I knew he was a bit odd, but I was also enjoying the compliments!! I am also very insulted that he spent 3 hours with me and thought no, won't go there again! I mean this guy was no great catch!! Few kids, ex wife, still at home at 46 etc etc..so I live and learn and just move on yeah???

I did ask my friend before I'd met him, do I give every guy a chance (keeping in mind that we're not all great at e-mailing or texting and the guy who sends the one line emails etc, might be really nice in real life) or how do I do it???

for example, this guy told me he had a few kids and lived at home. The fact that he livd at home (since the seperation) didn't impress me tbh but at the same time, I thought hey, he's split up with the wife and this could be temporary etc etc...so do I create definite no-no's and just don't bother replying to them????

LegacyUser

Do you know when I write down 50 texts a day it does sound VERY weird! But honestly, they'd just start in the morning with 'Morning..' and I'd reply and there'd be a few during the day and a few more in the evening...It's my first try at it like I said but i have to say, I agree that it's not really based on anything other than meeting someone who (appears) to want the same thing you do (a date)...
So where else to meet someone...? I've been single a while now and have finally decided to put some effort into meeting someone..

finbarrk

You are as well off without him. Anyone that sends someone 50 -60 texts must be some sort of a nutcase as you initially thought.
He was after a quick shag and when that didn't work out he lost intrest.

LegacyUser

i was doin online dating for some time couple years ago cause i moved town & really didnt kno anybody else around. it was kinda fun, easy way to meet new men though i was always aware that there are weirdos out there. so there was one guy who added me on his list, sent few messages online, then started textin...he was kinda same, started to send 40 texts a day sayin how good we would be together & how nice i am etc but because i didnt reply to him the same way i think he lost his interest or maye somthin else happened but he stopped textin me at one point. i was relieved & soon deleted my profile from that website cause it started to get annoyin gettin messages from all sorts of fellas who seemed to be intersted in only one thing.
personally i would never put up a profile on dating websites again, think it's bit too risky & you never really know who is on the other side of the computer.
but OP dont think that you did something wrong cause he was prob a creep at the first place, no normal person texts somebody who they don't know 60 texts a day tellin them how much they like them & wanna be with them

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

I am also very insulted that he spent 3 hours with me and thought no, won't go there again!

Yeah, but see that as a reflection on him and not on you!

Unregistered wrote: »

I did ask my friend before I'd met him, do I give every guy a chance (keeping in mind that we're not all great at e-mailing or texting and the guy who sends the one line emails etc, might be really nice in real life) or how do I do it???

GOD no. Would you give literally every guy who showed an interest in you in a bar a chance? Of course not, you'd screen based on whether you actually liked them or not. Online is no different.

Unregistered wrote: »

for example, this guy told me he had a few kids and lived at home. The fact that he livd at home (since the seperation) didn't impress me tbh but at the same time, I thought hey, he's split up with the wife and this could be temporary etc etc...so do I create definite no-no's and just don't bother replying to them????

Yep, create dealbreakers for yourself, but you don't need to stick to them rigidly. Basically, where you went wrong here was not going with your instincts. If the guy seems a bit off, he probably is. Don't bother with anyone who doesn't seem 100% genuine - and someone telling you they see a future with you, not ever having met you, is either being insincere or is just mental.

You have to be a bit cynical when dealing with guys online - it's something you will learn though! Don't give up, I've met some really nice guys and had lots of fun that way!

(ps: If you're in Dublin, get to a boards beers. Lots of lovely available guys on this site!)

LegacyUser

Thanks for this ...I'm in dublin..where do I find out about the boards beers ;-)

You're right, I wouldn't give any bloke a chance if I met them in a bar..but it's harder online! Ah maybe online dating is not for me!!

AARRRGH

Unregistered wrote: »

do I create definite no-no's and just don't bother replying to them????

I think you should probably reply to everyone who contacts you, but you can let them down nicely.

I'm all on for fairness (I really am) but sometimes you just gotta take a low risk strategy, especially when it comes to things which can hurt you.

Use a combination of your instincts and common sense.

Op don't give up on it yet ...you just met an eejit ...don't let one experience put you off it dose say more about him than it says about you...

however you do need to be confident in yourself to use interned dating if every knock back is going to affect you badly maybe it wouldn't be for you ...

your better off thinking of it as a bit of fun that MIGHT and i stress the might lead to something more

i think anyone trying Internet dating looking for love is being a bit unrealistic and putting way too many expectations on the experience...im staying that even though i met my partner that way..i think i was very lucky.

star.chaser

Unregistered wrote: »

Hoping for some advice here guys.

Finally bit the bullet and joined a few websites - only the paid ones because I'd be a bit suspicious of the 'freebies'...anyway, met someone and we swapped numbers and he began to text... obsessively. Now I'm a great woman for texting so I replied to them all..but the texting went on for days (I mean about 50/60 per day) telling me all about how much he hoped it would work out between us, how he wanted a long term relationship, how beautiful I was, if I'd like a lift here or there (before we'd met) etc etc. At one point, I got a bit scared to be honest and guessed he was a bit of a nutcase, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and met up with him about 3 weeks ago.
We'd a good first date - or so I thought. Few awkward silences etc but still had a laugh...walked me home and had a mooch at my garden garden - nothing too heavy. He text me a couple of times that night and then again the next morning...and then nothing. And then he blocked me from his profile and all the mails he sent me have been deleted!
So it's blatantly obvious to me that this guy wasn't attracted to me at all but the fact that he went from 50 texts a day before we met, to NO texts since we met really affected my confidence.
He wasn't into me obviously...I tried for a few days, to think about all the reasons he wasn't into me in REAL life (my weight, my looks, my clothes, my personality) and it really got me down, but I'm hoping this behaviour says more about him than it does about me.
Just like some words of wisdom from someone who may have had a similar experience..? constant texting/phoning before you meet and then nothing after you meet...? I want to try it again because I know that not all men are like this guy and I guess I'm just looking for a confidence booster...anyone???

you had a mooch on your garden garden? what, he bummed something off you on your gardens garden?? Is this code for something?
i think the replies to his texts are the key to unraveling this mystery.
some men know when they're just wasting their time with someone "just looking for a confidence boost". a good ride is all were after

Boskowski

Don't let your self esteem be affected by this. Don't look at yourself at all. Most likely explanation: Narrow escape of an oddball/weirdo.

LegacyUser

OP here

Sorry had a mooch at garden gate!

thanks for input guys...good to get another perspective on this - stuff I'd already known myself (that he's probably a weirdo or just after a leg-over) but don't know anyone else who's tried this yet so good to hear from those who had...!

What do you mean the replies to his texts are a clue? Literally he'd ask 'how are you now' I'd reply, 'Gud ta..just chillin' or similar - it never got dirty...to be honest, I thought it was gonna be dirty but he never even attempted it!
Anyway, onwards and upwards..and thanks again!

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here

Sorry had a mooch at garden gate!

thanks for input guys...good to get another perspective on this - stuff I'd already known myself (that he's probably a weirdo or just after a leg-over) but don't know anyone else who's tried this yet so good to hear from those who had...!

What do you mean the replies to his texts are a clue? Literally he'd ask 'how are you now' I'd reply, 'Gud ta..just chillin' or similar - it never got dirty...to be honest, I thought it was gonna be dirty but he never even attempted it!
Anyway, onwards and upwards..and thanks again!

Good stuff I meant it about the beers, too. Get involved in boards, loads of different forums have events coming up!

Lo23

Hi OP, I wouldnt let this one experience turn you off online dating forever. The guy was obviously extremely immature and clearly an idiot!

I met my boyfriend online and we are together 6 months and going well!

I have had similar experiences to that with online dating which is all part and parcel!

I think the problem is that a lot of people lose sight of reality with online dating! You need to treat it the exact same as if you met a guy in pub/niteclub!
For example- If you met a guy out one night and he started texting 50/60 times a day straight away you would run a mile..so why is it any different online!

You need to take things slow and I would be reluctant to give out your number straight away!

Best of luck!