End of 10-year relationship

LegacyUser

hi folks

myself and my partner are splitting up after 10yrs. I thought we had it all, nice house, kids, the whole lot - i for one was madly in love. Treated her like an absolute princess. Gave up my entire life for her. She was always the jealous type so over time i stopped seeing my friends - totally devoted myself to her in every way. Sex was never our strong point, was lucky to get it once / twice in a good month and i suppose that was the main thing that drove the wedge between us.
We split up on a trial basis last year for 4 weeks after i was told out of the blue that she didnt want it anymore. I moved out and got a bedsit but anyway we decided after a lot of talking that we would give it another go and that we would make more of an effort to get our lovelives back on track. Went well for a while then the old habits came back. She was just cold towards me, and snappy all the time. She just never seemed happy no matter what i done for her. We had little money so going out for nights out was out of the question but we tried to make the best with what we had.
Anyway it came to a head last week after about 3/4 weeks of hardly speaking to each other and we both decided it wasnt worth carrying on. I still love the very bones of her and cant imagine myself even looking at another woman. She is my fantasy woman, but i know when im beat and after 10yrs of trying i know i cant make her happy. Its going to absolutely tear me apart moving out and leaving the kids, i dont know how ill cope without them - and her.

Any advice or anyone gone through similar?

omahaid

Dont budge from the house until you have formal visitation rights in place, this should be number one, look after yourself and the kids first!

LegacyUser

OP here.

That wont be a problem. We arent splitting on bad terms. Im going to get something local so i can ake them a couple of evenings a week and also at weekends / holidays.

omahaid

I get the impression that you're not married? I'm in that situation myself (an unmarried dad that is), as an unmarried dad you have zero rights unless you go about them yourself. I would be very reluctant to leave the house until I had them, even if I was leaving on good terms. Sorry about the break up btw, sounds rough.

LegacyUser

God love you - you could be the male version of me. Though we have not had any children. But similar situation loved him very much. My problem was I was way too good to him - completely spoilt him - everyone always remarked on it - in a good way saying how lucky he was and how nice I was. Think treating someone as a prince / princess is not the way forward. People get bored with that and do not realise what they have. His new gf is fairly crazy and actually I'm hearing that he is not so happy. You will just end up being taken for granted. I'm a good person but think next time will be just a little bit badder haha. He was also very snappy - I couldn't do anything right in the end and we used to get on so well for years. I would have been far more receptive to him than he was to me on the romantic front in the last while and that makes you feel very small alright :-(. Any way after close on 12 years he has decided he is in love with someone else won't even go to counselling or try anything. It is so disappointing and I am sorry you are going through similar. I am actually getting happier now that we are split up going on 4 or 5 months - it was hard in the beginning but you have to keep yourself very busy and make sure you go see friends and basically try to have some fun! I know it may be expensive but possibly worth it to get counselling since you have the children. Have you considered this? Anyway I hope you get yourself somewhere nice to live or at least DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE UNTIL YOU DO!! And obviously until you have the legalities sorted, please look after yourself.

John Mason

first off. do not leave the house, once you leave the family home, that's it all your rights are gone.

Stay, get a good family law solicitor and only when everything has been legalised then leave the family home.

and who says it should be you to leave?

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

God love you - you could be the male version of me. Though we have not had any children. But similar situation loved him very much. My problem was I was way too good to him - completely spoilt him - everyone always remarked on it - in a good way saying how lucky he was and how nice I was. Think treating someone as a prince / princess is not the way forward. People get bored with that and do not realise what they have. His new gf is fairly crazy and actually I'm hearing that he is not so happy. You will just end up being taken for granted. I'm a good person but think next time will be just a little bit badder haha. He was also very snappy - I couldn't do anything right in the end and we used to get on so well for years. I would have been far more receptive to him than he was to me on the romantic front in the last while and that makes you feel very small alright :-(. Any way after close on 12 years he has decided he is in love with someone else won't even go to counselling or try anything. It is so disappointing and I am sorry you are going through similar. I am actually getting happier now that we are split up going on 4 or 5 months - it was hard in the beginning but you have to keep yourself very busy and make sure you go see friends and basically try to have some fun! I know it may be expensive but possibly worth it to get counselling since you have the children. Have you considered this? Anyway I hope you get yourself somewhere nice to live or at least DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE UNTIL YOU DO!! And obviously until you have the legalities sorted, please look after yourself.

OP here.
I know how you feel. Whats the point in being nice. Gets you nowhere. The good guy never wins.

LegacyUser

Yes - I was actually told to my face by the ex "Nice Girls finish last". basically because I was too trusting and not a nag and happy go lucky that it was my fault he strayed - I wasn't possessive enough like other girls were and he felt unloved - I don't know maybe he had a point, who knows, should have bought a leash hehe! But you know what s**w that, at least I don't have a jealous streak am open to the world and as a result have done very well in my career. I had no need to be a nag and suspicious because I am actually quite self assured I've found - I think nice people usually are stronger! So there are great points about being a decent human being BUT I have taken it on board and though not selfish naturally have started to do way more things for myself taking time going out spending money on me and loving it :-) Take up some new hobbies if your circle of friends have dried up - mine had but its surprising , because I'm "nice" have gotten back into things even more quickly than I imagined. I have become more selfish and it is great :-). Also it fills up time that you used to spend with them and if you stick at it , it suddenly becomes your new routine, your new life. I also started in the gym and got in shape, the best thing about it is the benefits to your mood - if you think you would like any kind of excercise even running for an hour a day - costs nothing but its time to yourself and you really feel great after it. Great positive way to get rid of anger too. You've done everything for her & children - it'll be weird doing stuff for yourself and it doesn't mean you'll be neglecting them. Everyone should do stuff for themselves, you'll rediscover interests you had forgotten and believe me you'll start to enjoy it :-). The way I look at it now is nobody died. Plus if you like to have a drink, go out, get rat a**ed a few times and get it out of your system - obviously away from the OH and kids but you're a human being too and going a little crazy once in a while helps send the craziness away! Best of luck with the house situation - what everyone is saying is right - DO NOT be pushed around on that front though it doesn't sound like you will be cruel to each other over that with the kids to consider.